New to the group

[Guest guest]

I posted once before, but would like to introduce myself because after reading

posts I am so so grateful to have found this type of support.

I call myself 'Alice' because when I read the books, " The Narcissistic Family:

Diagnosis and Treatment " and then " Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping

Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship "

(recommended by my therapist)I realized that I have always felt like Alice in

Wonderland. I am the oldest daughter of a Hermit/Witch and Huntsman and the " bad

child " . My father died right after Christmas in 2000 and my mother then became

the Waif/Hermit/Witch and my younger brother walked right into the parent role

and " became " my father. He hung out with my father's friends and my mother uses

him as a puppet to not only say all the things she would have my father say to

me before he died but do all the things to keep up her house and the " island "

property that she lives on. He even married a woman that has BPD traits as well

and they all gang up on me. " Your therapist is brainwashing you and you make

your mother cry everyday! " is my fav quote from here. That and I blame her baby

for my choices and actions! (I am an Early Childhood major, teacher and Parent

Educator that is just ridiculous!)

I am not working on Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook, but they are

taking much longer to process and are very hard to read. I am glad that I read

the books in the order I did, or I would not have been able to see my father as

a part of all of this. He did play a role. I thought of him as a hero, and when

he died, everyone made him out to be a Saint. The reality is, he was human. A

great man, but human. Drank every day of my life (and gave me beer from the time

I was a toddler. So not the best parent in the world, but not the worst (because

life is not black and white) His best friend joked about how they got me drunk

and I passed out when I was 3 yrs old. Looking back I think it very possible

that he drank to cope with my mom.)

My parents created the picture perfect illusion of an ideal family and were so

good at it that my entire life everyone around me, even my friends, could not

understand why I was depressed or anxious " your mom is so great!!Your parents

love each other so much. You have such a great life! " and she is soooo high

functioning and skilled that she knows just how to save it all for me. It is

only now, that things are coming out into the open because I am now armed with

knowledge. And my husband is in therapy so he sees it all now.

For the first time in my life I don't feel alone and defective. I know I am not

selfish. I have great friends and friendships. I know that I am not crazy! I

have adopted " behaviors " to survive that I can't wait to keep uncovering and get

rid of and have a healthy life. I am so glad I can read things from other people

here and I can totally relate to them and finally feel relief that it is not all

in my head. Other people have lived this too. Other people's moms have said

things like, " really, you are that big? You don't look like you are that size,

it must be because you are so tall. " And then turn around and ask why I have no

self-esteem?

I have experienced major things in my life (sexual abuse and rape) that really

needed therapy and could not understand why my parents wouldn't let me go. Now I

do!! It was their fear of therapy. I feel this mix of empowerment that I am an

adult and shame that I feel so far behind in my " growing up " because in so many

ways, I think like a child. It was my education and ideals for my own children

that helped me uncover all of this as I reflected on my own experiences a their

age and was so sad and confused. Dealing with it can sometimes feel like being a

little kid playing in the waves. Sometimes I feel such exhilaration and joy at

how far I have come as I play in the waves and let go of the depression. But

then out of nowhere it seems an encounter with my mother or SIL and I am sucked

under by a wave and come up gasping and crying, " what happened? " only there is

nobody to run to for comfort and support.

Hopefully this can be that place. The safe place for a reality check that it was

just a wave and I can get back up and enjoy the next one. An affirmation that

'boundaries' are not a dirty word that elicits rage, but a healthy necessary

part of life.

Thanks to everyone that shares this often secret side of life, and in doing so

knocks the queen from her throne.