Hi again, it's Mozz

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I haven't been on this site pretty much nada died in 2010. I can't remember my

old password or user name, so I created a new account. For those of you who were

on at that time people called me " Mozz " . Now that nada is gone and I have gone

NC with my whole family I'm not scared to use my real name anymore, which is

. So hello to anyone who remembers me, and hello to anyone new since then.

I've been doing SO MUCH BETTER since she is gone and I have gone NC with the

rest of my FOO. (As expected, after she died, the family turned on me like a

flock of vultures.) I still get little bouts of depression and deal with my

eating disorder, but my low grade daily depression is gone. I can't even believe

it! I thought I had dysthymia but it was nada the whole time. I didn't know I

could wake up NOT depressed. But the fleas continue to rear their ugly little

heads at times. I still fear that since I have no FOO, I have no one that " has "

to love me no matter what. This makes me feel so lonely, even though I am

married with two kids and have good friends. I feel that when push comes to

shove my friends have their real families. I just wish I felt I am enough. That

the beautiful little family I created was enough to make me feel not lonely and

loved. This is the only place I can say this out loud without sounding terrible.

I know how lucky I am to have this family and to have been set free from nada.

It just all still hurts sometimes. The abuse I underwent feels surreal. I can't

quite believe it was a bad as it was. But it WAS. People just don't get it, it's

too hard to understand unless you have a BPD parent. It sounds ludicrous when

you try to explain it out loud. Maybe that's why I feel lonely?