Anger and Fury

June 3, 2012

Hi everyone,

I feel a bit bad as I haven't posted for well over a year but just had to share

this. Before I do I wanted to say thank-you for those who replied last year

because at least one of the posts has and still does keep me going (I've written

it down in the front of my diary to remind me).

I have been in therapy for a few months but had to stop recently because I am

moving to another part of the country. I have been struggling with the pressures

of moving, things becoming worse at work and other matters. I asked nada to keep

things as calm as possible a couple of months back after she tried to disown me

while she was abroad (I said fine with me) and then on her return trying to claw

back a relationship.

I knew that there was fury lurking within me under the surface but was hoping to

keep it capped until I could find a safe place and person to share it with.

Sadly because of getting way over tired this week I finally expressed my anger

after so many years directly to my nada over the phone, who, of course, placed

herself in the saint's role. After sending this evening an email to share my

pictures of a big event with her I got, as usual a critical, carping/digging

email back. I was pushed way beyond my limits of tolerance when she got my

father to call and my anger (normally swallowed) at her usual response starting

coming out as sheer fury - even more so when nada got on the phone. My throat is

still aching from the screaming and I'm trying to not feel bad because it seems

to say I should go back to the way things were: quiet and accepting and saintly

like forebearance.

I know that many here will understand the fierce criticism that can rain down

and I have had my fair share. I've been wondering at what point in my life I

signed a dotted line that said I agreed to this? When did I understand that I

had to be a tolerant person of this? Of course to outsiders my being angry seems

to have descended out of the blue and as the 'script' goes the usual family

stuff follows: father roped in to do nada's bidding, forced to talk to me with

her words rather than his own. Next up after will be the enforced visit and I am

far too angry to be in her company.

Sadly I feel I'm in a vulnerable position, even more so without my therapist who

was beginning to help me find strength to not be a doormat. My father having

never stood up to nada on my behalf, nada being as she is and having no siblings

I've not learnt how to stand up for myself. I am trying to now, in the wrong

way, and laying boundaries but I don't have support.

I just want to scream that I don't want to see her. Safety to me is having her

quiet and not able to write or be near me. A part of me wants to say I don't

want to see you forever and a part of me wants to say its more reasonable to not

see her for a year or two. Unfortunately my father is unwell and as with all

things there are family drama going on that needn't be.

Lavender

June 3, 2012

Dear girl, take your life back. I've not met you, but truly understand

your struggle here. Sometimes we HAVE TO set boundaries and there will be

consequeces that we have to face. The BPD always has consequences for us.

It's conditional love with them. That's not true love and has nothing

to do with love. The thing that is so difficult for us as their children,

we do love them, but we have to become the parent and set rules. We have

to protect our own heart. Guard your heart; it's a good one; you are a

loving beautiful person. My heart goes out to u. I've also been down

this dusty road for a long time, and I'm done; I'm here for them in

emergencies, but that's pretty much it. I make sure my dad is safe, and

that's

it. No deep conversations, no feelings...................take care of

yourself.....you are worth it!!!!! Laurie

In a message dated 6/3/2012 5:36:03 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

lavender.flowerdew@... writes:

Hi everyone,

I feel a bit bad as I haven't posted for well over a year but just had to

share this. Before I do I wanted to say thank-you for those who replied

last year because at least one of the posts has and still does keep me going

(I've written it down in the front of my diary to remind me).

I have been in therapy for a few months but had to stop recently because I

am moving to another part of the country. I have been struggling with the

pressures of moving, things becoming worse at work and other matters. I

asked nada to keep things as calm as possible a couple of months back after

she tried to disown me while she was abroad (I said fine with me) and then on

her return trying to claw back a relationship.

I knew that there was fury lurking within me under the surface but was

hoping to keep it capped until I could find a safe place and person to share

it with. Sadly because of getting way over tired this week I finally

expressed my anger after so many years directly to my nada over the phone, who,

of

course, placed herself in the saint's role. After sending this evening an

email to share my pictures of a big event with her I got, as usual a

critical, carping/digging email back. I was pushed way beyond my limits of

tolerance when she got my father to call and my anger (normally swallowed) at

her

usual response starting coming out as sheer fury - even more so when nada

got on the phone. My throat is still aching from the screaming and I'm

trying to not feel bad because it seems to say I should go back to the way

things were: quiet and accepting and saintly like forebearance.

I know that many here will understand the fierce criticism that can rain

down and I have had my fair share. I've been wondering at what point in my

life I signed a dotted line that said I agreed to this? When did I

understand that I had to be a tolerant person of this? Of course to outsiders

my

being angry seems to have descended out of the blue and as the 'script' goes

the usual family stuff follows: father roped in to do nada's bidding, forced

to talk to me with her words rather than his own. Next up after will be

the enforced visit and I am far too angry to be in her company.

Sadly I feel I'm in a vulnerable position, even more so without my

therapist who was beginning to help me find strength to not be a doormat. My

father having never stood up to nada on my behalf, nada being as she is and

having no siblings I've not learnt how to stand up for myself. I am trying to

now, in the wrong way, and laying boundaries but I don't have support.

I just want to scream that I don't want to see her. Safety to me is having

her quiet and not able to write or be near me. A part of me wants to say I

don't want to see you forever and a part of me wants to say its more

reasonable to not see her for a year or two. Unfortunately my father is unwell

and as with all things there are family drama going on that needn't be.

Lavender

June 3, 2012

Such warmth, thank-you Laurie. Truly a big thank-you for your kindness. I will

be starting a new diary soon and will copy this down as I prepare to start a new

phase in my life after the move.

>

> Dear girl, take your life back. I've not met you, but truly understand

> your struggle here. Sometimes we HAVE TO set boundaries and there will be

> consequeces that we have to face. The BPD always has consequences for us.

> It's conditional love with them. That's not true love and has nothing

> to do with love. The thing that is so difficult for us as their children,

> we do love them, but we have to become the parent and set rules. We have

> to protect our own heart. Guard your heart; it's a good one; you are a

> loving beautiful person. My heart goes out to u. I've also been down

> this dusty road for a long time, and I'm done; I'm here for them in

> emergencies, but that's pretty much it. I make sure my dad is safe, and

that's

> it. No deep conversations, no feelings...................take care of

> yourself.....you are worth it!!!!! Laurie

>

> In a message dated 6/3/2012 5:36:03 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> lavender.flowerdew@... writes:

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I feel a bit bad as I haven't posted for well over a year but just had to

> share this. Before I do I wanted to say thank-you for those who replied

> last year because at least one of the posts has and still does keep me going

> (I've written it down in the front of my diary to remind me).

>

> I have been in therapy for a few months but had to stop recently because I

> am moving to another part of the country. I have been struggling with the

> pressures of moving, things becoming worse at work and other matters. I

> asked nada to keep things as calm as possible a couple of months back after

> she tried to disown me while she was abroad (I said fine with me) and then on

> her return trying to claw back a relationship.

>

> I knew that there was fury lurking within me under the surface but was

> hoping to keep it capped until I could find a safe place and person to share

> it with. Sadly because of getting way over tired this week I finally

> expressed my anger after so many years directly to my nada over the phone,

who, of

> course, placed herself in the saint's role. After sending this evening an

> email to share my pictures of a big event with her I got, as usual a

> critical, carping/digging email back. I was pushed way beyond my limits of

> tolerance when she got my father to call and my anger (normally swallowed) at

her

> usual response starting coming out as sheer fury - even more so when nada

> got on the phone. My throat is still aching from the screaming and I'm

> trying to not feel bad because it seems to say I should go back to the way

> things were: quiet and accepting and saintly like forebearance.

>

> I know that many here will understand the fierce criticism that can rain

> down and I have had my fair share. I've been wondering at what point in my

> life I signed a dotted line that said I agreed to this? When did I

> understand that I had to be a tolerant person of this? Of course to outsiders

my

> being angry seems to have descended out of the blue and as the 'script' goes

> the usual family stuff follows: father roped in to do nada's bidding, forced

> to talk to me with her words rather than his own. Next up after will be

> the enforced visit and I am far too angry to be in her company.

>

> Sadly I feel I'm in a vulnerable position, even more so without my

> therapist who was beginning to help me find strength to not be a doormat. My

> father having never stood up to nada on my behalf, nada being as she is and

> having no siblings I've not learnt how to stand up for myself. I am trying to

> now, in the wrong way, and laying boundaries but I don't have support.

>

> I just want to scream that I don't want to see her. Safety to me is having

> her quiet and not able to write or be near me. A part of me wants to say I

> don't want to see you forever and a part of me wants to say its more

> reasonable to not see her for a year or two. Unfortunately my father is unwell

> and as with all things there are family drama going on that needn't be.

>

> Lavender

>

June 3, 2012

I'm so sorry at the internal conflict you're going through, Lavender - I

completely understand how hard it can be when you want to scream and rage at

your nada, but then know you're going to have to deal with the fear and extreme

guilt as an aftermath.

One practical suggestion would be to see if you can schedule a phone call

session with your therapist, since it sounds like that was a big part your

support system. However you choose to proceed with your nada, allow yourself

some grace... you have been subjected to emotional beatings your whole life, and

one can only be a doormat for so long before having to do SOMETHING with the

anger.

My therapist just explained to me how the cause of my depression can be seen

pretty easily. I get angry with my nada, but then my childhood response kicks

in and I realize I'm not allowed to be angry at her. But that anger is a

driving force, an energy that can't be squelched. It burns in us, propelling us

to DO SOMETHING. Often we even know with laser like focus exactly what it is we

need to do to make the situation right for ourselves. But that's too scary for

KO. We're trained not to direct anger at our nadas because the consequences are

too enormous. So we have to redirect that anger, and we often redirect it right

back at ourselves, leading to depression, self criticism, feelings of

worthlessness, shame, etc.

So honestly, good for you in directing it at the correct person for once! Maybe

in the future if you decide to reconnect with your nada you can find a way to

manage the relationship (setting boundaries, standing up for yourself more,

etc.) so that you can stop the doormat / volcano cycle. But in the meantime, do

whatever you need to do to take care of yourself... going NC, finding a new

therapist, venting here, etc.

a

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I feel a bit bad as I haven't posted for well over a year but just had to

share this. Before I do I wanted to say thank-you for those who replied last

year because at least one of the posts has and still does keep me going (I've

written it down in the front of my diary to remind me).

>

> I have been in therapy for a few months but had to stop recently because I am

moving to another part of the country. I have been struggling with the pressures

of moving, things becoming worse at work and other matters. I asked nada to keep

things as calm as possible a couple of months back after she tried to disown me

while she was abroad (I said fine with me) and then on her return trying to claw

back a relationship.

>

> I knew that there was fury lurking within me under the surface but was hoping

to keep it capped until I could find a safe place and person to share it with.