Re: Really need advice ...want to scream till my voice is gone, can't ..

[Guest guest]

WOW! You need a giant hug and some support! My situation isn't this

bad, but I allow ONLY supervised, scheduled visits for my children.

(mine are 3, 3, 20mos. and I'm 37.) It was after one of Nada's drama

fits/rage that I set these boundaries. I wrote a letter and stated

that it was because of these inappropriate behaviors A B C that only

scheduled playdates will be allowed from here on out. I also outlined

the consequences should she break the boundary...NC for 3 months. And

yes, I have done this once before. (great 3 months! kids didn't even

notice)

You also need to schedule a meeting ASAP with the principal of the

school. (Is gma listed at 'in case of emergency contact' ??) When you

call to make the appointment let the secretary know that it's about

gma having unauthorized contact with your child while at school. This

will raise *red flags*! Then you should be getting a call ASAP from

the principal, so then inform her that gma's visit was not authorized

and unacceptable. Ask what the school and district policies and

procedures are for visitor access to students. Again *red flags* here.

You will have the principal's FULL attention. You will need to put in

writing that gma is not allowed contact with your child. Specifically

write that gma is not allowed ANY contact including phone calls, to

pick her up, or take her out for lunch, etc. (This will be the next

step! Out to lunch!) The school should not be allowing your child to

leave with anyone except those for whom they have explicit written

authoriazation (from you.) HUGE liability for them to lose a child

(kidnapping) or have one get in a car accident while unauthorized off-

campus , etc!! Legally the student is the responsibility of the school/

district from the time the guardian releases the student to the school

district until the guardian takes back possession of the student. HUGE

huge legal responsibility for them--careers and big $ on the line

here! Consider sharing with the principal that gma took your other

child. It will scare the bejeezus out of the principal and your child

will be front and center on his/her radar.

From my experience, setting the boundary of acceptable contact was/is

hard. But enforcing the boundaries over time has been harder. Never

ending policing! Nada will continually work to erode your resistance.

All I can say is STAY STRONG and keep enforcing, broken record, medium

chill, and refuse to engage in discussing/arguing about the boundary.

I simply say (broken record), 'I'm unwilling to discuss this issue

(i.e.: changing the play dates to her house, removing supervision,

from weekday to weekend, etc) and I'm satisfied with the current

situation and it is working for my family. I'm not interested in

making any changes and unwilling even to discuss it.' End of story, I

usually walk away. If she keeps at it, I tell her that " This time is

set aside for you to spend with the children and if you're finished

spending time with them, then we can wrap it up for today. " I have

also found that after an " incident/outburst/fit/rage " a letter naming

the boundaries and the unacceptable behaviors (and following it up in

email) then helps to avoid the 'that's not what you said,' 'i don't

remember it that way,' 'that's not what happened,''you're making this

up,' 'you're changing the rules again,' ETC gas-lighting behavior that

of course follows!! =) It's also great documentation of your

behaviors/reactions should you ever be in court. We have a file folder

with printed out copies of letters that I HANDed to her and the dates

of delievery hand written on them. I have a file on the computer with

the emails (actually it contains all emails w/ her) that I send to

follow up each letter (letter attached to email as well.)

Anyhow, I've resolved to prevent the BP behaviors from damaging my

kids. It's an ongoing fight and oftentimes feel like I'm losing ground

to the quicksand that is BP. I encourage and support you to find

protection for your children that works for your family!! Feel free to

email me anytime. I'd welcome hearing your trials and

tribulations....the seem to go hand in hand with mine!! Hearing them

makes me feel normal and reminds me that I'm not the only one goin

thru this crap! =) xxoo

<3