Re: emotional numbness

June 6, 2012

I never cried. I received many beatings during childhood bec they wanted to

make me cry and seldom were successful.

I didn't cry until I was 60 and my daughter took her children away from me

after I had been the primary caregiver during their toddler years. I cried

for 2 years. I think numb is better. Their is no relief for me on the

horizon. My daughter is very difficult.

> I have just discovered that there is a name for the craziness my mother

> brought into my life. In the past two weeks I have read both Walking on

> Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother. My nada is a

> Queen/witch, and my father is a fisherman. My Mother is a phych nurse which

> made this even more confusing as a child and an adult, she has always

> played normal really well, except when she didn't! I went NC last August

> after she had my father spank my daughter for being disrespectful. Her

> favorite move is estrangement, so she was the one who decided to stop

> answering my calls. She was good with the kids when they were babies, but

> when they got older I started to see her treating them the way I remember

> being treated and It freaked me out. We reestablished contact before the

> holidays and have had very limited calls and visits since then.

> I read that one of the symptoms of children who have been emotionally

> abused is emotional numbness, and I have that BAD! Do any of you have any

> advice on how to get more in touch with your feelings. I have not been able

> to cry in years, and identifying how I am feeling is very difficult for me.

> I see a great therapist and she is teaching me how to meditate which is

> sooo hard, and I read self help books like crazy. Thank you

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

> Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and

> Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.**

> Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

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> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

> " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

June 7, 2012

It's hard to let your feelings out. My nada loves to play that estrangement

game. She's 82 and still playing it, just this week. For weeks she'll enjoy our

company, need our help (dementia is sneaking up on her). Then she'll call and

tell us " don't call, don't come over. " Real snarky and rude. I think it's a

power play, especially now since she may realize she's losing control of her own

life. I don't know, don't care. I just hate being jerked around.

I tend to hold my feelings in. If I think I'm going to cry, I leave the room,

hide somewhere till I get a grip. Inside I feel like a failure and weak so I try

to show a strong, serene exterior. If she pulls this garbage or any other games

she plays, I make sure she doesn't know how she's affecting me. That would give

her great pleasure. And I don't share my feelings with her about any other

subject because she would use it as a weapon against me. You can probably relate

to that. Any wonder we hold such a tight rein on our feelings?

Do you have anyone you feel safe talking to, sharing how you feel? I have a

couple of friends that listen to me; they don't give advice, they don't get

impatient. That has helped a lot. My husband is pretty good at listening to but

he also tends to hurt with me. I don't want him upset; I just want him to hold

me.

The point I'm trying to make is yes, I think it's typical for us to hide our

feelings. But they are still there, deep inside and that hurts.

>

> I have just discovered that there is a name for the craziness my mother

brought into my life. In the past two weeks I have read both Walking on

Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother. My nada is a Queen/witch, and

my father is a fisherman. My Mother is a phych nurse which made this even more

confusing as a child and an adult, she has always played normal really well,

except when she didn't! I went NC last August after she had my father spank my

daughter for being disrespectful. Her favorite move is estrangement, so she was

the one who decided to stop answering my calls. She was good with the kids when

they were babies, but when they got older I started to see her treating them the

way I remember being treated and It freaked me out. We reestablished contact

before the holidays and have had very limited calls and visits since then.

> I read that one of the symptoms of children who have been emotionally abused

is emotional numbness, and I have that BAD! Do any of you have any advice on how

to get more in touch with your feelings. I have not been able to cry in years,

and identifying how I am feeling is very difficult for me. I see a great

therapist and she is teaching me how to meditate which is sooo hard, and I read

self help books like crazy. Thank you

>

June 7, 2012

Completely understand, I can cry, over a sad movie, to music, Oh! in the shower!

and as it relates to other things, but still not yet to anything directly

connected my nada. Hope to someday.

> >

> > I have just discovered that there is a name for the craziness my mother