Writing poems is saving me

[Guest guest]

Dear Brothers and Sisters in this chaotic Nada's world,

I thank you all for your posts, since I joined this group I feel I am not alone

and I understand better and better how this nonsense Nada's world works.

I wish we will all feel better soon and manage to create for each of us a better

happier life.

Today I want to share my experience with you, maybe it could help some of you. 

I have gone NC for now one year.

Naïvely at the beginning I thought that it would mean the end of all problems

but I have realized with time that even if there is no contact, I have to deal

today, every day, with all the scares I carry from my past. I am wounded inside

and even if there is no relationship with her today, my every day life is

difficult. 

A month ago, something incredible happened to me. I think I could name this the

beginning of taking power to be free and finally manage to dare to be me.

I have spent my entire life to hide my talents to please her.

A month ago, I started to write poems. 

I am starting after fourty years to be able to describe what I have been

through.

I finally dare to speak. Not to my family, they are all on her side and have

rejected me completely, I wouldn't dare to tell them the truth because I am

convinced that they would not believe me and then I would feel hurted more.

I am writing, first for myself, and then if they want one day they will read my

books.

Maybe they will believe me, maybe not, but anyway I dare to tell the truth of

what I have been through.

And it really helps.

Today I would like to share with you two of my poems.

I have translated them into english.

Grazed heart

Grazed heart

Invisible open wound

Inside

Unconditional love

Untemporal

Not received from the parents

Unknown father

In the first years

During the tender childhood

Sentimental stupor

Borderline mother

Rickets

Emotional malnutrition

Resignation

Lack of understanding

Absence of anger

Certitude of beeing guilty

Not to be loved

Intense grief

Unsurmontable

Unknown father

Melancoly

Withdrawal into once's shell

Solitary child

Then resigned

Feeling unworthy

To be loved

Absent father

Loss of self-confidence

And of confidence in others

Low self-esteem

Need of self-punishment

And of sufferings

We well desserved it

Necessity to be perfect

Extrem kindness

Vulnerability

Borderline mother

Discouragement

It is never enough

Feelings of beeing worthless

Life in couple

Spouse silimar to the mother

Despair

Submitted adult

Incapable of defending herself

Feelings of not existing

Separation

Fragmented life

Repeted failures

Deceased father

Fear of abandonment

Family rejection

Withdrawal into once's shell

Desert

Natacha DASZKEl,

June 7th 2012.

Inner

little girl child

Inner

little girl child

Who

is so scared

Eager

of cuddles

Only

meeting coldness

Distant

mother

Full

of rancour

I

have to make myself very little

To

be well-behaved, always very well behaved

And

transparent

Not

to take the spotlight away from her

Invisible

and docile

Not

ready to fight

She

empeached me to protect myself

To

better anihilate me

I

should not make myself noticed

Or

she will become angry

Little

doll seated who smiles

Always

Her

sickened jealousy

Has

emprisonned me

In

a spider web

To

stay lifeless

Most

of all, not to shine

Always

to be this docile little girl

Not

to be over her

To

dissimulate my talents

To

renounce to myself

The

chrysalis is too little

It

is cracking

Like

the Snow White mother-in-law

She

is boiling with rage

The

sanction doesn't delay

Confined

to isolation

Cut

from my roots

Expensively

won freedom

First

fly

My

wings are still fragile

Lack

of markers

Will

the flower bud

Manage

to blossom ?

Inner

little girl child

Always

here

Consumed

by fear

Of

daring to exist.

Natacha

DASZKEL

Le 7

Juin 2012.

Take all very good care of yourselves !

Dare to be yourselves ! Each of you is unique ! Each of you is a wonderful

person ! Dare to shine your inner beauty !

Natacha

[Guest guest]

Whoa!  Kudos to you Daszkel :-)  I just had a similar experience a week ago.

 I realized last week I express my emotions to myself via imagery.  I plan on

taking drawing classes so I can share these feelings with others.

________________________________

To: WTO Adult children WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Thursday, June 7, 2012 7:04 AM

Subject: Writing poems is saving me

 

Dear Brothers and Sisters in this chaotic Nada's world,

I thank you all for your posts, since I joined this group I feel I am not alone

and I understand better and better how this nonsense Nada's world works.

I wish we will all feel better soon and manage to create for each of us a better

happier life.

Today I want to share my experience with you, maybe it could help some of you. 

I have gone NC for now one year.

Naïvely at the beginning I thought that it would mean the end of all problems

but I have realized with time that even if there is no contact, I have to deal

today, every day, with all the scares I carry from my past. I am wounded inside

and even if there is no relationship with her today, my every day life is

difficult. 

A month ago, something incredible happened to me. I think I could name this the

beginning of taking power to be free and finally manage to dare to be me.

I have spent my entire life to hide my talents to please her.

A month ago, I started to write poems. 

I am starting after fourty years to be able to describe what I have been

through.

I finally dare to speak. Not to my family, they are all on her side and have

rejected me completely, I wouldn't dare to tell them the truth because I am

convinced that they would not believe me and then I would feel hurted more.

I am writing, first for myself, and then if they want one day they will read my

books.

Maybe they will believe me, maybe not, but anyway I dare to tell the truth of

what I have been through.

And it really helps.

Today I would like to share with you two of my poems.

I have translated them into english.

Grazed heart

Grazed heart

Invisible open wound

Inside

Unconditional love

Untemporal

Not received from the parents

Unknown father

In the first years

During the tender childhood

Sentimental stupor

Borderline mother

Rickets

Emotional malnutrition

Resignation

Lack of understanding

Absence of anger

Certitude of beeing guilty

Not to be loved

Intense grief

Unsurmontable

Unknown father

Melancoly

Withdrawal into once's shell

Solitary child

Then resigned

Feeling unworthy

To be loved

Absent father

Loss of self-confidence

And of confidence in others

Low self-esteem

Need of self-punishment

And of sufferings

We well desserved it

Necessity to be perfect

Extrem kindness

Vulnerability

Borderline mother

Discouragement

It is never enough

Feelings of beeing worthless

Life in couple

Spouse silimar to the mother

Despair

Submitted adult

Incapable of defending herself

Feelings of not existing

Separation

Fragmented life

Repeted failures

Deceased father

Fear of abandonment

Family rejection

Withdrawal into once's shell

Desert

Natacha DASZKEl,

June 7th 2012.

Inner

little girl child

Inner

little girl child

Who

is so scared

Eager

of cuddles

Only

meeting coldness

Distant

mother

Full

of rancour

I

have to make myself very little

To

be well-behaved, always very well behaved

And

transparent

Not

to take the spotlight away from her

Invisible

and docile

Not

ready to fight

She

empeached me to protect myself

To

better anihilate me

I

should not make myself noticed

Or

she will become angry

Little

doll seated who smiles

Always

Her

sickened jealousy

Has

emprisonned me

In

a spider web

To

stay lifeless

Most

of all, not to shine

Always

to be this docile little girl

Not

to be over her

To

dissimulate my talents

To

renounce to myself

The

chrysalis is too little

It

is cracking

Like

the Snow White mother-in-law

She

is boiling with rage

The

sanction doesn't delay

Confined

to isolation

Cut

from my roots

Expensively

won freedom

First

fly

My

wings are still fragile

Lack

of markers

Will

the flower bud

Manage

to blossom ?

Inner

little girl child

Always

here

Consumed

by fear

Of

daring to exist.

Natacha

DASZKEL

Le 7

Juin 2012.

Take all very good care of yourselves !

Dare to be yourselves ! Each of you is unique ! Each of you is a wonderful

person ! Dare to shine your inner beauty !

Natacha

[Guest guest]

Those are wonderful Natacha; the second one speaks to me RE being forced to

remain tiny and invisible and feeling that fear of even " daring to exist. "

I'm so glad for you that you have found a way to express your feelings and the

reality of the trauma inflicted on you; the poems are a cathartic release of

pain and sorrow, and an expression of hope, in an artistic form. The ability

to turn ugliness and sorrow into art demonstrates the triumph of the human

spirit.

Like you, I take solace in the understanding that even though I still have inner

wounds, that I refuse to inflict MY pain and suffering on others like my pd

mother did. That is my triumph: Counter to what she told me throughout my

growing up years, I am NOT my mother, I'm me!

-Annie

>

> Dear Brothers and Sisters in this chaotic Nada's world,

>

> I thank you all for your posts, since I joined this group I feel I am not

alone and I understand better and better how this nonsense Nada's world works.

>

> I wish we will all feel better soon and manage to create for each of us a

better happier life.

>

>

> Today I want to share my experience with you, maybe it could help some of

you. 

[Guest guest]

There is no question that expressing your voice and vision is very therapeutic,

especially when you share that work and the world responds! I am a photographer

and have long understood the therapeutic value of my work (though I had no idea

of what I was unconsciously drawn towards and representing till I had my Eureka

moment and the gestalt of all my life was all depicted in my last project).

Recently, I attended a memoir writing workshop with 20 wonderful women. The

feedback, support, vulnerability and empathy for all that we were created

another shift in me. I read when I returned that recreating your narrative is

very therapeutic for those with complex ptsd, helping to resolve some of the

ruminating etc etc. Highly recommended.

I have also read that trauma survivors who are artists and creatives do much

better in mitigating (perhaps not right word) their trauma. At any rate, your

words are beautiful and I hope they inspire us all on this board to creatively

express our voices, without fear of imperfection, failure, or criticism, but

instead from the heartfelt desire to know and express our voices/visions.

Peace.

SR

[Guest guest]

Dear Natacha,

I think it's wonderful that you are writing poems and having a journey of

discovering ways to share what you think and feel after all the hell. I hope you

continue and your voice, daring to speak grows stronger.

May I share a poem in return? Similar to you I'm approaching my 40's and today

have gone NC although I never imagined I ever would. This is my alphabet poem to

mark the moment and the words in quotes are nada's words:

At last the moment comes, stepping from shadows to freedom, now an adult

unhindered.

Brokered agreement by email

Curt hurt reply

Done 'forever' are we parent and child.

Excruciating this long goodbye, finally comes and passes.

Free: free air, free movement, free thought, free feelings. Free to

Go my own way.

Hopes and determination of peace, healing, stability.

In this moment, cut loose, heavy emotional ropes fall

Joy momentarily settles to relief

Kindness this is, in a way, to us both.

Lessons learned are many but

Many opportunities await

Normal at last and

Open doors, smiling faces - welcomes.

Pressures tumble

Qualms subside.

Released from 'playing happy families'.

Still had I a healthy nada

This drama would not be

Unspoken truths instead hang

Voluminously. Yet I

Wakened to new understanding say

Yes to

Zefferus blowing gently in, at last,

at last,

change.

Lavender

>

> Dear Brothers and Sisters in this chaotic Nada's world,

>

> I thank you all for your posts, since I joined this group I feel I am not

alone and I understand better and better how this nonsense Nada's world works.

>

> I wish we will all feel better soon and manage to create for each of us a

better happier life.

>

>

> Today I want to share my experience with you, maybe it could help some of

you.�

>

> I have gone NC for now one year.

> Na�vely at the beginning I thought that it would mean the end of all

problems but I have realized with time that even if there is no contact, I have

to deal today, every day, with all the scares I carry from my past. I am wounded

inside and even if there is no relationship with her today, my every day life is

difficult.�

>

> A month ago, something incredible happened to me. I think I could name this

the beginning of taking power to be free and finally manage to dare to be me.

>

> I have spent my entire life to hide my talents to please her.

>

> A month ago, I started to write poems.�

> I am starting after fourty years to be able to describe what I have been

through.

>

> I finally dare to speak. Not to my family, they are all on her side and have

rejected me completely, I wouldn't dare to tell them the truth because I am

convinced that they would not believe me and then I would feel hurted more.

>

> I am writing, first for myself, and then if they want one day they will read

my books.

>

> Maybe they will believe me, maybe not, but anyway I dare to tell the truth of

what I have been through.

>

> And it really helps.

>

> Today I would like to share with you two of my poems.

>

> I have translated them into english.

>

> Grazed heart

>

> Grazed heart

> Invisible open wound

> Inside

>

> Unconditional love

> Untemporal

> Not received from the parents

>

> Unknown father

>

> In the first years

> During the tender childhood

> Sentimental stupor

>

> Borderline mother

>

> Rickets

> Emotional malnutrition

> Resignation

>

> Lack of understanding

> Absence of anger

> Certitude of beeing guilty

>

> Not to be loved

> Intense grief

> Unsurmontable

>

> Unknown father

>

> Melancoly

> Withdrawal into once's shell

> Solitary child

>

> Then resigned

> Feeling unworthy

> To be loved

>

> Absent father

>

>

> Loss of self-confidence

> And of confidence in others

> Low self-esteem

>

> Need of self-punishment

> And of sufferings

> We well desserved it

>

> Necessity to be perfect

> Extrem kindness

> Vulnerability

>

> Borderline mother

>

> Discouragement

> It is never enough

> Feelings of beeing worthless

>

> Life in couple

> Spouse silimar to the mother

> Despair

>

> Submitted adult

> Incapable of defending herself

> Feelings of not existing

>

> Separation

> Fragmented life

> Repeted failures

>

> Deceased father

>

> Fear of abandonment

> Family rejection

> Withdrawal into once's shell

>

> Desert

>

> Natacha DASZKEl,

> June 7th 2012.

>

>

> Inner

> little girl child

>

>

> Inner

> little girl child

> Who

> is so scared

> Eager

> of cuddles

> Only

> meeting coldness

>

>

> Distant

> mother

> Full

> of rancour

>

>

> I

> have to make myself very little

> To

> be well-behaved, always very well behaved

> And

> transparent

> Not

> to take the spotlight away from her

>

>

> Invisible

> and docile

> Not

> ready to fight

> She

> empeached me to protect myself

> To

> better anihilate me

>

>

> I

> should not make myself noticed

> Or

> she will become angry

> Little

> doll seated who smiles

> Always

>

>

> Her

> sickened jealousy

> Has

> emprisonned me

> In

> a spider web

>

>

> To

> stay lifeless

> Most

> of all, not to shine

>

>

> Always

> to be this docile little girl

> Not

> to be over her

> To

> dissimulate my talents

> To

> renounce to myself

>

>

> The

> chrysalis is too little

> It

> is cracking

> Like

> the Snow White mother-in-law

> She

> is boiling with rage

>

>

> The

> sanction doesn't delay

> Confined

> to isolation

> Cut

> from my roots

> Expensively

> won freedom

>

>

> First

> fly

> My

> wings are still fragile

> Lack

> of markers

>

>

> Will

> the flower bud

> Manage

> to blossom�?

>

> Inner

> little girl child

> Always

> here

> Consumed

> by fear

> Of

> daring to exist.

>

>

> Natacha

> DASZKEL

> Le 7

> Juin 2012.

>

> Take all very good care of yourselves !

> Dare to be yourselves ! Each of you is unique ! Each of you is a wonderful

person ! Dare to shine your inner beauty !

>

> Natacha

>

>