Nada's still in my subconscious

[Guest guest]

Had an interesting and enlightening moment today and one that shocked me - and

my DH.

The magazine I've written for for over two decades folded very abruptly. So I

approached an editor at another publishing house about copyediting for them on a

freelance basis, as I've also done that for years for my husband's 30-some best

sellers and also a few other people. I'm also a photographer and will take this

opportunity to grow my business, but meanwhile could use more steady

income....but don't want to go out and look for a writing gig.

The editor emailed back immediately to send a resume and he would hand it to the

right people. He said I'd probably have to take a copyediting and proofing test,

but the implication was no sweat - he's seen my work as he is also my husband's

editor so he knows my high standards.

Okay, here's where nada comes into play.

Can you guess the first words out of my mouth? " I'll never pass that. "

My husband looked at me with such utter shock. He was stunned that I would even

think that and said so. I was stunned that I would even say it - why would I

think that? Of course I'll be able to pass this test, for heaven's sake it's

what I've done for years and I've been writing for years and I've got a degree

in this and why would lack this self-confidence.

I stood there looking at him and said: MY MOTHER. She did this to me. Because in

that moment when I said that I honestly was thinking " I can't do this I will

fail. "

I cannot believe that even with her stashed in the nursing home and our limited

contact that she still has this hold over my mind. I'll tell you, this has been

a real eye opener for me today that I have some work to do. I would love to see

a therapist but it isn't in the cards right now. I can work through this on my

own, though, with the help of books, and my supportive husband and daughter, and

friends and this list.

But I wonder, what exactly did she DO to me? I have such gaps in my memory and I

only remember being praised for getting good grades, etc., which I always did.

So how did this happen?

[Guest guest]

>

>

> But I wonder, what exactly did she DO to me? I have such gaps in my memory and

I only remember being praised for getting good grades, etc., which I always did.

So how did this happen?

>

My situation is similar and so maybe the mechanisms are the same. My mother

always made it clear that for herself and for me that the expectation was that

things (hopes, dreams, careers) wouldn't work out. That the good stuff in life

was for other people. I get praised for good grades too - I suspect partly

because it made her look good. But whenever I tried to dream big she was there

telling me it was foolish - even when I was in a realistic position to make big

dreams come true. And I think whether we like it or not, we do absorb how they

think and deal with the world. I find it harder not to have that replay inside

of me as I am now at ages where I remember her and how she faced the same

challenges I have now. I don't have anyone to reflect back to me a positive

image when the doubts come, it is difficult. Your husband is a true blessing to

be there to remind you who you are. Other than hypnosis the main way I can see

to deal is to simply be very aware of one's thoughts. Good luck and I know

you'll get pass and get the job!

Lobster

[Guest guest]

,

With narcissists and probably bpds as well, you need to actually think what they

want you to think in order to please them. As a child, you need to please them

to get your basic physical and emotional needs met as well as to avoid various

kinds of punishment, so this can really be a matter of some urgency even if

there was never any overt violence in your household.

Teaching you to think about yourself as a failure is probably not much harder

than getting you to not lie and not take things that don't belong to you. We

teach morals mainly through disapproval, and it probably doesn't take much more

than disapproval to teach other belief systems to small children. What I'm

saying is she wouldn't needed to have beat you unmercifuly to get you think and

feel what she wanted you to think and feel. She just needed to give you a

contemptuous look, which nada's are generally incredibly good at.

Young children are unable to dissimulate--they don't have the sophistication to

deliberately misrepresent themselves successfully. They do lie, but not very

well. Since npd/bpds want absolute mirroring at all times, even from their

toddlers, it means you may have needed to actually think things that were

demonstrably untrue in order to maintain your nada's affection or at least her

stability. So, an adult in a similar situation might be able to just present a

false response, but you would think the thought as if it were your own.

If there are a lot of gaps in your memory, it may be there are some truly

horrible things you don't remember. But it could also be that you learned much

of what you're grappling with now before you were 3 and old enough to remember

anything. In other words, by the time you were old enough to have conscious

memories of her response to you, you had learned what you needed to do to manage

her well. There were no longer any dirty looks to remember. You aren't

necessarily afraid of her still, but you may have internalized the idea that

this is just how the world works and this is what is true.

I hope that makes sense.

Take care,

Ashana