Re: Resources/support for going NC?

[Guest guest]

Hey, I'm really sorry, and isn't just typical of the personality-disordered that

any break in the relationship has to be " forever " ?

I read just shy of a bazillion books after going NC but honestly I didn't find

any one that really did it for me. What helped me most was getting a dog. About

four months after NC I adopted a puppy from the local humane society, figuring

we were in some ways kindred spirits without a family. It sounds simplistic,

maybe even cheesy, but that dog is one thing that thinks I'm great no matter

what, which is something I didn't get from my parents. It's nice to have your

own personal cheering squad, even though it does drool and sometimes smells

funny.

>

> Hi,

>

> I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said I

was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever. Although

mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange to have

both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections whatsoever.

It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

>

> Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

>

> Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

>

> Lavender

>

[Guest guest]

Lavender,

My nada threatened to disown me a few times, but she didn't really mean it. She

just said it in the hopes of scaring me and trying to control me (oh please,

don't throw me into that briar patch! *wink*).

I really doubt that this person is going to disappear from your life forever and

that is the end of the story. First off, people who say that generally don't

mean it. Second, once everyone who knows the person you went NC with finds out

that they did nothing wrong and you abandoned them for no reason (*rolls eyes*),

they will come out of the woodwork to shame and bully you into living how they

think you should live. They will Facebook you, email you, snail mail you, drunk

dial you, and send their flying monkeys after you.

This sucks, and is probably the worst part about being NC, but there is no way

around it, outside of the Witness Protection Program (which was my own personal

dream).

I'm going to check out an AlAnon meeting tonight, and I am hoping that they will

be a good resource for being NC. I've been told that their meetings are good

for all kinds of family dysfunction, not just drug/alcohol related, so maybe you

can check that out in your area.

For me, NC (to LC) meant a couple of years of absolute panic, self-imposed

shaming, nasty emails, shaming from my father, uncle, brother, SIL. Eventually

I started to feel like I could breathe more, but it's been 5 years now (LC) and

I still feel the shame. So I don't know what to tell you if you find yourself

feeling the way I am.

I will say that doing the right thing can initially feel very, very wrong and

that it takes a lot of strength to believe that you deserve to love and protect

yourself. In all honesty, most people will not understand/support you. That's

why it's important to seek out those who will.

Deanna

>

> Hi,

>

> I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said I

was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever. Although

mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange to have

both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections whatsoever.

It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

>

> Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

>

> Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

>

> Lavender

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lavender,

Similar thing happened to me, too. I moved out of my parents' house and was

starting to put up some basic boundaries to protect me. Looking back, they

were pretty much non-existent boundaries, but anyway, my fada then disowned

me. He says he didn't, but I'm not sure how else one would describe,

" Goodbye daughter, it was nice knowing you for 21 years. "

Anyway, I think he was expecting me to " apologize " for all the wrongs I've

done to him, all the ways I've " disrespected " him, and so on. I think one

way I must have disrespected him was by getting engaged...and I think his

sudden reaction of shutting everything down was because of that.

I had a bit of a Parks moment, where I was sick and tired of

constantly trying to placate him, and refused to apologize for what he

thought I did wrong. So, since he stopped emailing me, I never emailed

back. My mom was another story. Going NC wasn't quite as easy as it seems,

as some already said. My mom was a " flying monkey " trying to tell me I had

a big heart and needed to share it with fada, and so on...but I pointed it

out to her each time she was trying to coerce me. She would then email

normally...but after a few emails, she'd try again. Eventually she said

that she won't email anymore unless I emailed her...and that turned into

total NC.

A few relatives still turn flying monkey now and then, and I'm kind of LC

with them...mostly I'm afraid of emailing them and having them forward it

on to my parents.

That said, I completely sympathize with the feeling of being alone. I am so

fortunate to have amazing in-laws and a great husband who were there for

me...and I had some good friends who were extremely supportive. I also got

a cat, who has helped me so much, too. Friendly, cuddly companion animals

are of great help, if you don't already have a cat or dog.

I haven't actually read any books about being NC--just mostly the support

from this group and random articles online have been helpful. Since I'm

religious, it helped me a lot when I would stumble across articles

addressing the Christian idea of honoring your parents and of

forgiveness--from an abuse angle. Yes, it's good to forgive, but that

doesn't mean lowering boundaries and getting abused again. Yes, while our

parents are legally our parents, they forfeited their right to parental

honoring because of the abuse.

I guess I'm rambling now, so I should shut up

Hugs to you,

Holly

On Mon, Jun 11, 2012 at 10:44 AM, Lavender <

lavender.flowerdew@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said

> I was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever.

> Although mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its

> strange to have both relief that it's over yet also no family

> support/connections whatsoever. It's like being a codependent and really

> feeling the absence.

>

> Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

> handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it?

> Is there any advice for the early stages of NC?

>

> Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

>

> Lavender

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm going to check out an AlAnon meeting tonight, and I am hoping that

> they will be a good resource for being NC. I've been told that their

> meetings are good for all kinds of family dysfunction, not just

> drug/alcohol related, so maybe you can check that out in your area.

>

I wanted to second this as a possible resource for new NCs. I started

visiting two different Al Anon groups in the area about three weeks ago and

have found them very supportive overall. I explained that my Nada did NOT

have a drinking problem, but that nevertheless I showed many, many traits

of the codependent -- and so far everyone has been very welcoming and

supportive of my efforts to cultivate " detachment with love " . My Nada's

behavior (and perhaps yours as well -- perhaps everyone's?) is remarkably

similar to the concept of the " dry drunk " -- someone who has kicked the

bottle but done nothing to address the emotional issues (and resulting pain

and problems) which were the reason the bottle seemed so attractive in the

first place, and therefore behaves just as badly -- or even worse! -- when

" dry " than while abusing alcohol.

I would add that you might want to check out several Al-Anon groups (if

there's more than one available near you) before deciding whether to attend

regularly and where. The characters of the various groups can vary a lot

depending on the individual members, particularly if the group is small.

All Al-Anon groups share literature and organizing principles but they are

not regulated or controlled by any sort of central authority so there is a

LOT of difference between groups. If you don't feel comfortable or welcome

in one group, I'd suggest trying another before you decide it's not for

you.

Best of luck!

-- Jen H.

[Guest guest]

If someone with BPD is the one saying it's " forever, " don't be surprised if they

start harassing you next week as if nothing ever happened.

But if you do need a break, make it as long as you need it.

I have seen a lot of recommendations for the book " Divorcing a Parent " by

Beverly Engel, though I have not read that one yet. I also might remember some

pointers in the book " Toxic Parents " by Forward.

Let us know how else we can help you.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I read Toxic Parents, years ago. I think I need to revisit that one.

>

> If someone with BPD is the one saying it's " forever, " don't be surprised if

they start harassing you next week as if nothing ever happened.

>

> But if you do need a break, make it as long as you need it.

>

> I have seen a lot of recommendations for the book " Divorcing a Parent " by

Beverly Engel, though I have not read that one yet. I also might remember some

pointers in the book " Toxic Parents " by Forward.

>

> Let us know how else we can help you.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the support and good ideas, and, I would just love to have a pet

since my own cat died a while back. Unfortunately I have constraints on my

living arrangements now as there are pet prohibitions.

Being contacted again is one of the worries for me and I wonder about myself if

I truly think it's going to be forever. I'm so relieved to have no more

emergencies by not being available for contact and I can feel my inner

shrivelled self beginning to relax being out of the family shadows. At the same

time a little buffeted by the 'I don't want to know you' feeling.

Yet the possibility of reneging on my own decision (due to uncertainty and lack

of confidence) becomes greater when the eventual attempt to contact me comes

again. In many ways I'm grateful that nada said she didn't want to know me

anymore because of my dark moods (irony not lost on me) as it feels like at last

the hooks have been removed at last.

I've read a lot of Beverly's book and " Divorcing a Parent " looks helpful. I

have a copy of Toxic Parents but it's been a while since I've read it so will

have another read.

Is it just me or does it seem like every step of the journey is couched in one

difficulty or another?

Lavender

>

> If someone with BPD is the one saying it's " forever, " don't be surprised if

they start harassing you next week as if nothing ever happened.

>

> But if you do need a break, make it as long as you need it.

>

> I have seen a lot of recommendations for the book " Divorcing a Parent " by

Beverly Engel, though I have not read that one yet. I also might remember some

pointers in the book " Toxic Parents " by Forward.

>

> Let us know how else we can help you.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Holly,

Thanks for the hugs! It's so strange because like you I just had a point, not

sure when,

when I thought I wasn't going to be coerced anymore by fada just to keep nada

happy let

alone nada's coercion and manipulation. Yes, I'm really familiar with the idea

of 'you have

to be more loving (do as I tell you etc. etc.) to be a good daughter/good

person' and

everything you wrote made me smile with recognition, except I don't have

extended family.

Of course my fada's anger comes out now because I've jumped out of the boat and

finally there

is no third person between them. They are now united together in their

renunciation of

me with fada no longer being the recipient of all the criticism etc. What I'm

surprised about

is that after so many years of having what I thought a normal relationship with

him that

there are suddenly sides rather than space and love for a reasonable response.

Lavender

>

> Hi Lavender,

>

> Similar thing happened to me, too. I moved out of my parents' house and was

> starting to put up some basic boundaries to protect me. Looking back, they

> were pretty much non-existent boundaries, but anyway, my fada then disowned

> me. He says he didn't, but I'm not sure how else one would describe,

> " Goodbye daughter, it was nice knowing you for 21 years. "

>

> Anyway, I think he was expecting me to " apologize " for all the wrongs I've

> done to him, all the ways I've " disrespected " him, and so on. I think one

> way I must have disrespected him was by getting engaged...and I think his

> sudden reaction of shutting everything down was because of that.

>

> I had a bit of a Parks moment, where I was sick and tired of

> constantly trying to placate him, and refused to apologize for what he

> thought I did wrong. So, since he stopped emailing me, I never emailed

> back. My mom was another story. Going NC wasn't quite as easy as it seems,

> as some already said. My mom was a " flying monkey " trying to tell me I had

> a big heart and needed to share it with fada, and so on...but I pointed it

> out to her each time she was trying to coerce me. She would then email

> normally...but after a few emails, she'd try again. Eventually she said

> that she won't email anymore unless I emailed her...and that turned into

> total NC.

>

> A few relatives still turn flying monkey now and then, and I'm kind of LC

> with them...mostly I'm afraid of emailing them and having them forward it

> on to my parents.

>

> That said, I completely sympathize with the feeling of being alone. I am so

> fortunate to have amazing in-laws and a great husband who were there for

> me...and I had some good friends who were extremely supportive. I also got

> a cat, who has helped me so much, too. Friendly, cuddly companion animals

> are of great help, if you don't already have a cat or dog.

>

> I haven't actually read any books about being NC--just mostly the support

> from this group and random articles online have been helpful. Since I'm

> religious, it helped me a lot when I would stumble across articles

> addressing the Christian idea of honoring your parents and of

> forgiveness--from an abuse angle. Yes, it's good to forgive, but that

> doesn't mean lowering boundaries and getting abused again. Yes, while our

> parents are legally our parents, they forfeited their right to parental

> honoring because of the abuse.

>

> I guess I'm rambling now, so I should shut up

>

> Hugs to you,

> Holly

>

[Guest guest]

Ha ha,

My best friend wrote the jacket notes for Toxic Parents back in the 80's when we

were both in ACOA " Boot Camp " meetings in NYC.

AH, MEMORIES........

;-))

<3 ♫♪♫

[Guest guest]

Hi Lavender,

The first thing I would do is enjoy this precious NC for as long as it lasts. I

would recognize it as a valuable and rare gift that is often fleeting, and I

would maximize my freedom and happiness to the fullest extent. I would treat

myself, and as a gift, I would add that block thingy to my phone and to emails

so as much communication as possible from this person is sidelined should they

try and get back in touch. My explanation is as follows:

Just like everyone else in this world, BPDs and NPDs need to be held accountable

for their words and actions. If this person decides to reverse their NC

decision, you need to show respect and care FOR YOURSELF and tell them, " Not so

fast. " Make it not so easy to pull down that wall they just erected. BPD/NPD

personalities are expert at Doormat Training. In this person's eyes you may be

getting bit too uppity these days, you may be demanding equality or respectful

treatment. This will never do, so it's time for a good dose of Doormat Training

for you. You know what a human doormat is, don't you? It's somebody who takes

all the shit a PD can throw at them and doesn't say " Boo. " Threatening

abandonment via NC is a doozy technique of Doormat Training. The PD person

simply throws a fit, declares NC, and when their subject (you) is appropriately

saddened, upset, desolate and shamed, they pop back into your life like nothing

ever happened and continue on until NC2 is enacted and then NC3 and on to NC

15,352 until the subject has absolutely no self-respect or boundaries left.

That's the intended plan.

If you'd rather put your own plan in place rather than go along with Doormat

Training, the first step is recognizing what is really going on here, and how

abnormal and abusive it is. The clearer you are on how you're being " done dirty "

the better you'll understand suggestions for boundaries that lots of people on

this board can offer you.

I am so sorry you are hurting over this, and it's only natural. I've stood in

your shoes and remember well these tactics. Others have already made great

suggestions for boundaries, but I wrote this humorous little post so it really

hits home how you're being screwed with, not loved or respected or cherished

like a family member should. The clearer you are on this, the better you can

resist.

Kind regards,

AFB

>

> Hi,

>

> I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said I

was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever. Although

mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange to have

both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections whatsoever.

It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

>

> Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

>

> Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

>

> Lavender

>

[Guest guest]

Hi...I don't want to sound negative..I'm just wondering if I missed something. I

tried Al Anon about 20 years ago and went twice. I just felt like it was a group

of people going in a circle and stating what trial they were dealing with...and

I seriously broke down crying...and they were totally compassionate and felt

safe....but the 2nd time I was like, " why? " I'm a total believer in self help and

groups...but maybe I still don't get this and how it can help me.

Maybe I just prefer the internet for support?

Any input on why in person group is so valuable? Or maybe Alanon has changed

since then? Maybe I'm still in denial? Maybe I wasn't ready then. Or maybe it

served its purpose and I searched out other avenues for answers.

thx

[Guest guest]

Of course not every approach is going to benefit everyone, and if it didn't

help you, it didn't help you. For my personal experience, a lot of the

grief I deal with from my Nada is sourced in the fact that (due to being

raised by an emotional dysfunctional) I'm very enmeshed. I mean, if a

random older woman started screaming abuse at me on the street, I'd just

give her a funny look and walk away (or possibly call an ambulance for

her.) But when it's Nada, what's crippling is not just what SHE does, but

how strongly *I* react to it, due to long years of conditioning. So for

me, Al Anon is about learning to " detach with love " -- which is to say,

learning, and practicing (because it takes practice) to simply leave her

alone to stew in her own juices.

I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but from what I've read and seen a

lot of the grief that KOs have to deal with from Nadas and Fadas is sourced

in the desperate desire to somehow " fix " the broken parent and by

extension, fix ourselves and our families. Al Anon attempts to teach

people the skills to let go of that crippling compulsion and stop wasting

time, effort, and grief, uselessly, on trying to " fix " or " help " people

who, first of all, don't WISH to be fixed, and second of all, CANNOT be

helped by us. There is nothing that a KO -- even if we were trained as DBT

practitioners! -- could possibly do to " fix " , " help " , or " mend " our

disordered parents. It is simply not possible -- and really, it isn't our

right. Any fixing that is going to happen has to be done by the disordered

person. It has to start there, or it goes nowhere.

That's what I " use " Al-Anon for -- to learn how to stop being codependent

with my Nada's behavior. For me, the continual reminders that I " Didn't

CAUSE it, Can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it " (the " Three C's of

codependency) are the gateway to my own emotional health.

Your issues may very well be different, so by all means keep searching for

whatever works FOR YOU.

-- Jen H.

On Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 3:45 PM, luverofnougat luverofnougat@...>wrote:

> **

>

>

>

>

> Hi...I don't want to sound negative..I'm just wondering if I missed

> something. I tried Al Anon about 20 years ago and went twice. I just felt

> like it was a group of people going in a circle and stating what trial they

> were dealing with...and I seriously broke down crying...and they were

> totally compassionate and felt safe....but the 2nd time I was like, " why? "

> I'm a total believer in self help and groups...but maybe I still don't get

> this and how it can help me.

>

> Maybe I just prefer the internet for support?

>

> Any input on why in person group is so valuable? Or maybe Alanon has

> changed since then? Maybe I'm still in denial? Maybe I wasn't ready then.

> Or maybe it served its purpose and I searched out other avenues for

> answers.

>

> thx

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Did you work the 12 steps?

There's a saying in the rooms.. " there are spectators there are players.. "

Some meetings are better than others.

ALOT better.

It's a good idea to attend at least 6 meetings before making a decision.

Depending where you live ( a big city offers a lot of meetings) check out some

different meetings until you find a good fit.

You will know when you've found a good one when there's a lot recovery in the

room where the focus is on the solution, where people are really working a

program and here is an atmosphere of experience, strength and hope.

It's a good idea to, as they say, " KEEP COMIN BACK, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT " .

For me the fellowship is life saving. To be in a room with other people who GET

IT helps to break the isolation and reconnect me to life, to myself. It gives me

hope that I am not alone, and that I can grow and heal. It can help to have

sponsor. There are strong meetings where they work the steps. These are the

meetings to look for.

ALANON is a great program.

Hope that helps!

[Guest guest]

Hi AFB,

Thank-you. I really needed that because **no** *one* in my family has held nada

accountable for her behaviour (but as you can guess fog comes thick and strong

when I step out of line). I really want to get to grips, in a much bigger way,

with holding accountability. It feels like trying to find strength to stand up

for myself for the first time to someone I've found frightening and still fear.

I feel myself wavering though, several times a day, and also really

shrivelled/not strong having been under the thumb one way or another.

Would you be offended if I said I need a stronger dose of what you've said?

Somehow I just haven't really understood how much I've caved in over the years

or even an inkling how much I've missed out. I'm wondering if a large part of me

is still in denial.

my ramblings:

Yes I actually have been the human doormat, fada worse which I now know to be

codependence. I bet you'd not be surprised to hear that only a couple years ago

a manager actually called me a doormat and I couldn't understand what he meant!

This first week of NC makes me feel a little less shrivelled, and, at long last

an adult who can finally make plans of my own for the holidays, who I spend time

with, where I go and when without needing to be on the other end of the phone. I

find this so incredible given that I'm heading well into middle age. I wonder

when the rage will kick in that I didn't understand or do anything sooner.

I've been in this situation for so long and only realised around this time last

year how wrong it all was. The mother issue is soooo taboo and people seem to

have no idea. I'm glad that issue was touched on in 'Difficult Mothers'.

Thank you for your post...I feel like I need someone to shake me if I consider

going back to the way things were. I'm really wanting to feel joyfully free

rather than this nagging unconfidence but I think most things with bpd/pd is

that it's always shrouded in mess.

Lavender

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said I

was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever. Although

mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange to have

both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections whatsoever.

It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

> >

> > Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

> >

> > Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

> >

> > Lavender

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, very well put.

>

> Of course not every approach is going to benefit everyone, and if it didn't

> help you, it didn't help you. For my personal experience, a lot of the

> grief I deal with from my Nada is sourced in the fact that (due to being

> raised by an emotional dysfunctional) I'm very enmeshed. I mean, if a

> random older woman started screaming abuse at me on the street, I'd just

> give her a funny look and walk away (or possibly call an ambulance for

> her.) But when it's Nada, what's crippling is not just what SHE does, but

> how strongly *I* react to it, due to long years of conditioning. So for

> me, Al Anon is about learning to " detach with love " -- which is to say,

> learning, and practicing (because it takes practice) to simply leave her

> alone to stew in her own juices.

>

> I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but from what I've read and seen a

> lot of the grief that KOs have to deal with from Nadas and Fadas is sourced

> in the desperate desire to somehow " fix " the broken parent and by

> extension, fix ourselves and our families. Al Anon attempts to teach

> people the skills to let go of that crippling compulsion and stop wasting

> time, effort, and grief, uselessly, on trying to " fix " or " help " people

> who, first of all, don't WISH to be fixed, and second of all, CANNOT be

> helped by us. There is nothing that a KO -- even if we were trained as DBT

> practitioners! -- could possibly do to " fix " , " help " , or " mend " our

> disordered parents. It is simply not possible -- and really, it isn't our

> right. Any fixing that is going to happen has to be done by the disordered

> person. It has to start there, or it goes nowhere.

>

> That's what I " use " Al-Anon for -- to learn how to stop being codependent

> with my Nada's behavior. For me, the continual reminders that I " Didn't

> CAUSE it, Can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it " (the " Three C's of

> codependency) are the gateway to my own emotional health.

>

> Your issues may very well be different, so by all means keep searching for

> whatever works FOR YOU.

>

> -- Jen H.

[Guest guest]

" I will say that doing the right thing can initially feel very, very wrong and

that it takes a lot of strength to believe that you deserve to love and protect

yourself. In all honesty, most people will not understand/support you. "

Deanna, that was beautifully expressed.

Fiona

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said I

was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever. Although

mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange to have

both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections whatsoever.

It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

> >

> > Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

> >

> > Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

> >

> > Lavender

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Lavender, I've sent you a private email and I also think that a public

discussion is a good idea too, because it " gives back " to others on this list

who can benefit from the discussion. I've noted that you requested a stronger

dose of what I've said and I appreciate that need. (I had to chuckle when you

said a manager had called you a doormat--guess that nail was hit on the head.)

My personal style is to aim for clarity and directness. (I think it's a reaction

to nada and fada's obfuscations and outright lies.) In any event, in a forum

like this, it comes down to personal styles of communication. Some people need

information said one way, others need it another. There's nothing wrong with any

preference, they're all valid.

Yes, a large part of you is still in denial. You say you're nearing middle age,

so you have been schooled and trained all your life according to PD rules. You

couldn't help but be in denial on a number of things. I am too. It's a constant

struggle. Add the FOG in there, with the Flying Monkeys, and suddenly NC looks

extremely attractive. That's why even temporary NC is a great benefit--because

you can get perspective as well as get boundaries in place. NC stops the PD

rules in their tracks, and lets the real world take over for a spell so the KO

can adjust.

Part of an effective KO offensive play is to use PD rules for your own ends. You

have been handed a gift--NC is suddenly on the table as a valid tool, offered up

by your own PD-player. When the PD makes contact (and they will, they will) I

would extend it. I would use language like, " I think we can both benefit from a

cooling off period, " and suggest doubling the length of time. You can begin

training Flying Monkeys and FOO by also mentioning the " cooling off period " and

convincing them that it's a good tool for soothing family differences. In

future, you can invoke your own NC as a " healthy tool " and get yourself some

vacation time, getting the FOO and the PD conditioned more and more to you

having precious time away. For some KOs, this is all they need. They can

function with family using intermittent NC as a tool. Other need permanent NC.

It's all about what you need as an individual. I look forward to hearing from

you.

Kind regards,

AFB

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said

I was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever.

Although mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange

to have both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections

whatsoever. It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

> > >

> > > Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

> > >

> > > Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

> > >

> > > Lavender

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

I've read about NC before on this board but I didn't really understand what it

meant/means so I wanted to say I'm moved to hear about the flying monkeys in

your life and how brave, and determined, you have been. It's hard enough to make

the decision and follow through let alone deal with everyone else's reactions.

You are very right with other people not understanding. I had an issue last year

when I entrusted some of the family chaos details to a trusted friend and it

felt as if they practically ran away. " How could you, your own mother " feeling.

It was coupled with my own disappoint of the loss of trust. I am struggling with

the self-worth thing of deserving love that you mentioned and it may be the

reason I let things go on for so long.

My family is a triangle and we've been estranged from all extended family due to

nada so although it's always been a sore point it may now be one less hurdle to

cross. A consequence though is that I'm not good at getting myself into social

situations.

I'm not sure how much shame I have though - possibly plenty but don't recognise

it. I did get very low last year and I think I may have posted something on this

board about it. At the time it felt like there was a long queue of people ready

to emotionally hit me with the equivalent of a baseball bat covered in barbed

wire, who, after they finished and pass on to the next person in the queue would

simply rejoin the end of it! I made a decision right then to not add myself to

this queue of " Lavender " abuse but I do slip into it from time to time.

I was wondering how the AlAnon went for you?

Lavender

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I very unexpectedly found myself going NC over the weekend- rather I said I

was taking time out for a while and was told that it would be forever. Although

mature I feel like I've only just fledged from the nest and its strange to have

both relief that it's over yet also no family support/connections whatsoever.

It's like being a codependent and really feeling the absence.

> >

> > Is going NC only about boundaries? Are there resources about nc and how to

handle being ostracised by close family and dealing with the affects of it? Is

there any advice for the early stages of NC?

> >

> > Would love to hear what others have experienced/advise.

> >

> > Lavender

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Lavender. That is so nice of you.

With friends, it seems best to only let them know a tiny bit, and see how they

react to that. If there is any hint of them judging you for it, you can decide

to not discuss it with them at all. I actually lost a friend, in part, over the

same thing.

My nada was always in the middle of every family relationship I had. So I too

have very little to zero contact with extended family. She would get jealous

when I spoke with others, and she would grill them about what we talked about.

Then she would call me, *crying* because she didn't know that I took a macrame

class 10 years ago. My nada is a nut! So I just stopped having

relationships with other family members, in the hopes of keeping her from

getting mad/hurt.

I know exactly how you feel about the emotional hitting. I have been trying to

remind myself that I do not need to *join in with* the bullies who think I'm a

jerk. Trying to stop shaming myself!

The meeting went really well. It was all women. I got the impression that they

were there because of husbands who drink (and some came from alcoholic homes).

So in that way, we didn't have a lot in common. But after the meeting, a few

people offered me the flyer on " detachment " so they get it.

Deanna

>

> Deanna,

>

> I've read about NC before on this board but I didn't really understand what it

meant/means so I wanted to say I'm moved to hear about the flying monkeys in

your life and how brave, and determined, you have been. It's hard enough to make

the decision and follow through let alone deal with everyone else's reactions.

>

> You are very right with other people not understanding. I had an issue last

year when I entrusted some of the family chaos details to a trusted friend and

it felt as if they practically ran away. " How could you, your own mother "

feeling. It was coupled with my own disappoint of the loss of trust. I am

struggling with the self-worth thing of deserving love that you mentioned and it

may be the reason I let things go on for so long.

>

> My family is a triangle and we've been estranged from all extended family due

to nada so although it's always been a sore point it may now be one less hurdle

to cross. A consequence though is that I'm not good at getting myself into

social situations.

>

> I'm not sure how much shame I have though - possibly plenty but don't

recognise it. I did get very low last year and I think I may have posted

something on this board about it. At the time it felt like there was a long

queue of people ready to emotionally hit me with the equivalent of a baseball

bat covered in barbed wire, who, after they finished and pass on to the next

person in the queue would simply rejoin the end of it! I made a decision right

then to not add myself to this queue of " Lavender " abuse but I do slip into it

from time to time.

>

> I was wondering how the AlAnon went for you?

>

> Lavender

[Guest guest]

Thanks Fiona.

>

> " I will say that doing the right thing can initially feel very, very wrong and

that it takes a lot of strength to believe that you deserve to love and protect

yourself. In all honesty, most people will not understand/support you. "

>

> Deanna, that was beautifully expressed.

>

> Fiona