Guest guest Posted June 10, 2012 Report Share Posted June 10, 2012 Hi! I'm happy to have found you guys here! I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD and possibly 2 brothers of mine (I can't quite figure them out). I'm 41, have 4 brothers and no sisters. We've all joked about how our mom is " crazy " and just laughed it off...but now as an adult and living 3000 miles away for 13 years the drama and games have all become a lot clearer. Isn't it strange how when you think drama and weirdness are normal because it is all you know...but then as you grow emotionally you start to realize " Hey, that is totally NOT normal or appropriate or nice. " I guess what I'm looking for is more affirmation and tips on how to deal with her. This journey has been a long one...I somehow found Walking On Eggshells this last Spring and read it and ...although my mom isn't as extreme as most of the examples in the book...the irrational behaviour and especially how it makes me feel really fit. Basically, I'm the good kid...not perfect...but pretty good...and I used to always try to fit things into the mold of alcoholism...(my dad is alcoholic, but doesn't drink anymore) ...which explained some things...but not everything. So, I know about scapegoating and have seen each of us kids take a turn at being the " bad kid " depending on mostly my mom's moods. I'm pretty sure she's the waif type of Borderline...but I haven't been able to research this more ...but she is totally financially dependent on my dad...selfless...angry...bored...and sickly. Waiting to die. This world is " Satan's system. " She seems to get excited about being able to go to the hospital in an ambulance. As the only girl I used to get sucked in and sympathize with her...until 2010 when I finally realized she didn't want any solutions. She shot everything down. And then I started reading How We Choose To Be Happy and started attending school to be a holistic health coach and learned about people and how they can choose to be a " victim " and not want solutions. I love this line, " Happiness is Hell for victims. " SO, I then noticed how her tizzy phone calls could emotionally trip me up for days at a time. Then a supportive group of women in a women's biz group I'm a part of helped me out with this one...helping me to still acknowledge that I loved her, but not allow her the space and time to just vent to me...that that wasn't my job as a daughter. And guess what happened? She now doesn't call me for weeks at a time after I've called to check in. And isn't that funny...since that's her favorite gripe about my brothers ... " they never call her..they don't care... " I don't really allow her to go on and on about her health or gripe and she knows it now and is pissed off. Another big clue was looking back a few years ago...my grandmother died and she didn't have a funeral service for her. I was shocked. I think my grandmother , who had a rep herself for being difficult and weird, may have been Borderline. My mom doesn't really remember most of her childhood and got married at 16 to get out of the house. So , then the next thing I know my mom is telling me how they all got together for dinner to go through old photos and share memories about grandma. I wasn't invited. Crap like this happens all the time. I have a brother that is a bully too. He's an " elder " in our church and my mom and dad - who used to be able years ago to admit he was difficult- now have idolized him and he manipulates them against me, etc. I just realized working with my biz coach the other day that my life is the polar opposite of my mom...single, sucessful, and I go after what I want. She probably perceives that as " making her wrong " and has mixed emotions toward me because of that. And I sense that vibe. I don't know who is going to want to read this novel I've just written : ) ....but anyhow... WHAT I NEED HELP WITH I guess what I need help with is how to proceed with the relationship but with boundaries and how to protect myself. I think right now I'm so emotionally wounded that I've withdrawn from my family....I feel like a loner...I feel guilt...but it is the only way I know how to protect myself. I haven't been home for 2 years...my dad is 78 years old...my mom is 67 and I dont' want them to die and feel guilt and regret about not having done the best I can do to have some sort of REAL relationship with them. After what I've learned...I get it ...it's not about me...it is all about them...all about their abandonment issues...all about being a " victim " ...etc. It still hurts, though. It helps, but it still hurts and I feel isolated. I've never had what I would call a " real " relationship with a man in my life....and I know it is because I'm scared out of my mind to marry a cuckoo that will want to control me with emotional blackmail like my family does. They know how to push every button. I've come a long way...I at least have more of a strong sense of self now that the last time I went home...(it had been two years too, since I had seen them) and they decided to gang up on me and tell me what a jerk / loser / whatever I am and how I've basically ruined their life. I prayed silently and suddenly realized " ...their feelings are not fact. I'm a nice person. " And I also realized that there would never be a real discussion. No true intimacy. Just them flouting their feelings as fact and then once the drama is over ...and I'm stuck with the trauma...they then miraculously act as if nothing happened. Bizarre. Oh and its not like we dont' ever have a good time...there have been good times...its just I never know when the tables will turn and they'll attack. I cant' stand that. Anyhow...Uh...thanks for letting me dump all this baggage! I'll call myself: HIgH-FiVe Acronym for : Hell Is Happiness For Victims Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2012 Report Share Posted June 11, 2012 Welcome to the group ! I have a few brief thoughts... It sounds like you have a desire to reestablish your relationship with your parents and have it be " real " . You may have to accept that that may not be possible. For many here on this board (including me) the work toward healing is in finding true acceptance and grieving that. To be in relationship with a BPD you have to have very strong boundaries set up that will often be tested. So you gotta decide is it worth it to you? Other issues...beware as the only daughter. If you are in relationship with your parents when they become elderly there is a very real chance your brothers will try to dump their elder care on you as even in healthy families often the only daughter ends up with this responsibility. Back when I first discovered BPD and NPD nobody warned me about the hell that was coming once the health issues kicked in. At that point the elderly BPD will legitimately have real needs that society will expect you to meet - hard to maintain boundaries in that situation. I hope you find lots of help here it's a great group. Lobster > > Hi! > > > I'm happy to have found you guys here! > > > I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD and possibly 2 brothers of mine (I can't quite figure them out). > > I'm 41, have 4 brothers and no sisters. We've all joked about how our mom is " crazy " and just laughed it off...but now as an adult and living 3000 miles away for 13 years the drama and games have all become a lot clearer. Isn't it strange how when you think drama and weirdness are normal because it is all you know...but then as you grow emotionally you start to realize " Hey, that is totally NOT normal or appropriate or nice. " > > > I guess what I'm looking for is more affirmation and tips on how to deal with her. This journey has been a long one...I somehow found Walking On Eggshells this last Spring and read it and ...although my mom isn't as extreme as most of the examples in the book...the irrational behaviour and especially how it makes me feel really fit. Basically, I'm the good kid...not perfect...but pretty good...and I used to always try to fit things into the mold of alcoholism...(my dad is alcoholic, but doesn't drink anymore) ...which explained some things...but not everything. So, I know about scapegoating and have seen each of us kids take a turn at being the " bad kid " depending on mostly my mom's moods. > > > I'm pretty sure she's the waif type of Borderline...but I haven't been able to research this more ...but she is totally financially dependent on my dad...selfless...angry...bored...and sickly. Waiting to die. This world is " Satan's system. " She seems to get excited about being able to go to the hospital in an ambulance. As the only girl I used to get sucked in and sympathize with her...until 2010 when I finally realized she didn't want any solutions. She shot everything down. > > > And then I started reading How We Choose To Be Happy and started attending school to be a holistic health coach and learned about people and how they can choose to be a " victim " and not want solutions. I love this line, " Happiness is Hell for victims. " SO, I then noticed how her tizzy phone calls could emotionally trip me up for days at a time. Then a supportive group of women in a women's biz group I'm a part of helped me out with this one...helping me to still acknowledge that I loved her, but not allow her the space and time to just vent to me...that that wasn't my job as a daughter. And guess what happened? She now doesn't call me for weeks at a time after I've called to check in. And isn't that funny...since that's her favorite gripe about my brothers ... " they never call her..they don't care... " I don't really allow her to go on and on about her health or gripe and she knows it now and is pissed off. > > Another big clue was looking back a few years ago...my grandmother died and she didn't have a funeral service for her. I was shocked. I think my grandmother , who had a rep herself for being difficult and weird, may have been Borderline. My mom doesn't really remember most of her childhood and got married at 16 to get out of the house. So , then the next thing I know my mom is telling me how they all got together for dinner to go through old photos and share memories about grandma. I wasn't invited. Crap like this happens all the time. > > > I have a brother that is a bully too. He's an " elder " in our church and my mom and dad - who used to be able years ago to admit he was difficult- now have idolized him and he manipulates them against me, etc. > > > I just realized working with my biz coach the other day that my life is the polar opposite of my mom...single, sucessful, and I go after what I want. She probably perceives that as " making her wrong " and has mixed emotions toward me because of that. And I sense that vibe. > > > I don't know who is going to want to read this novel I've just written : ) ....but anyhow... > > WHAT I NEED HELP WITH > > I guess what I need help with is how to proceed with the relationship but with boundaries and how to protect myself. I think right now I'm so emotionally wounded that I've withdrawn from my family....I feel like a loner...I feel guilt...but it is the only way I know how to protect myself. I haven't been home for 2 years...my dad is 78 years old...my mom is 67 and I dont' want them to die and feel guilt and regret about not having done the best I can do to have some sort of REAL relationship with them. After what I've learned...I get it ...it's not about me...it is all about them...all about their abandonment issues...all about being a " victim " ...etc. It still hurts, though. It helps, but it still hurts and I feel isolated. I've never had what I would call a " real " relationship with a man in my life....and I know it is because I'm scared out of my mind to marry a cuckoo that will want to control me with emotional blackmail like my family does. They know > how to push every button. > > > I've come a long way...I at least have more of a strong sense of self now that the last time I went home...(it had been two years too, since I had seen them) and they decided to gang up on me and tell me what a jerk / loser / whatever I am and how I've basically ruined their life. I prayed silently and suddenly realized " ...their feelings are not fact. I'm a nice person. " And I also realized that there would never be a real discussion. No true intimacy. Just them flouting their feelings as fact and then once the drama is over ...and I'm stuck with the trauma...they then miraculously act as if nothing happened. Bizarre. > > Oh and its not like we dont' ever have a good time...there have been good times...its just I never know when the tables will turn and they'll attack. I cant' stand that. > > > Anyhow...Uh...thanks for letting me dump all this baggage! > > I'll call myself: > HIgH-FiVe > Acronym for : Hell Is Happiness For Victims > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2012 Report Share Posted June 12, 2012 Welcome to the Group, Hi5 (for short!) You have found a bunch of other people who truly get what you're talking about; its a great place to vent, to ask for opinions and get feedback, validation and emotional support. You have a great deal of personal insight already, which is awesome! You realize that you are not the cause of your parent's issues/their personality disorders, and its not your job to be your mother's mommy or her therapist. You have been able to achieve a more adult emotional distance and emotional autonomy from your parents, without the need to totally cut yourself off from them (which is sometimes necessary when the pd parents are very, very toxic, hostile and inflicting fresh trauma/damage on their enmeshed adult child.) You're still feeling some effects of " FOG " , or Fear, Obligation and Guilt, but not to the degree that its incapacitating you or keeping you locked into a dysfunctional, self-annhiliating, submissive, child-like relationship with your parents, or in a parentified, emotional / financial care-taker relationship with your parents. But its a long road to peace and healing, and it is comforting to have companion on the journey with you. I hope you will find as much peace and healing here as I have. -Annie > > Hi! > > > I'm happy to have found you guys here! > > > I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD and possibly 2 brothers of mine (I can't quite figure them out). > > I'm 41, have 4 brothers and no sisters. We've all joked about how our mom is " crazy " and just laughed it off...but now as an adult and living 3000 miles away for 13 years the drama and games have all become a lot clearer. Isn't it strange how when you think drama and weirdness are normal because it is all you know...but then as you grow emotionally you start to realize " Hey, that is totally NOT normal or appropriate or nice. " > > > I guess what I'm looking for is more affirmation and tips on how to deal with her. This journey has been a long one...I somehow found Walking On Eggshells this last Spring and read it and ...although my mom isn't as extreme as most of the examples in the book...the irrational behaviour and especially how it makes me feel really fit. Basically, I'm the good kid...not perfect...but pretty good...and I used to always try to fit things into the mold of alcoholism...(my dad is alcoholic, but doesn't drink anymore) ...which explained some things...but not everything. So, I know about scapegoating and have seen each of us kids take a turn at being the " bad kid " depending on mostly my mom's moods. > > > I'm pretty sure she's the waif type of Borderline...but I haven't been able to research this more ...but she is totally financially dependent on my dad...selfless...angry...bored...and sickly. Waiting to die. This world is " Satan's system. " She seems to get excited about being able to go to the hospital in an ambulance. As the only girl I used to get sucked in and sympathize with her...until 2010 when I finally realized she didn't want any solutions. She shot everything down. > > > And then I started reading How We Choose To Be Happy and started attending school to be a holistic health coach and learned about people and how they can choose to be a " victim " and not want solutions. I love this line, " Happiness is Hell for victims. " SO, I then noticed how her tizzy phone calls could emotionally trip me up for days at a time. Then a supportive group of women in a women's biz group I'm a part of helped me out with this one...helping me to still acknowledge that I loved her, but not allow her the space and time to just vent to me...that that wasn't my job as a daughter. And guess what happened? She now doesn't call me for weeks at a time after I've called to check in. And isn't that funny...since that's her favorite gripe about my brothers ... " they never call her..they don't care... " I don't really allow her to go on and on about her health or gripe and she knows it now and is pissed off. > > Another big clue was looking back a few years ago...my grandmother died and she didn't have a funeral service for her. I was shocked. I think my grandmother , who had a rep herself for being difficult and weird, may have been Borderline. My mom doesn't really remember most of her childhood and got married at 16 to get out of the house. So , then the next thing I know my mom is telling me how they all got together for dinner to go through old photos and share memories about grandma. I wasn't invited. Crap like this happens all the time. > > > I have a brother that is a bully too. He's an " elder " in our church and my mom and dad - who used to be able years ago to admit he was difficult- now have idolized him and he manipulates them against me, etc. > > > I just realized working with my biz coach the other day that my life is the polar opposite of my mom...single, sucessful, and I go after what I want. She probably perceives that as " making her wrong " and has mixed emotions toward me because of that. And I sense that vibe. > > > I don't know who is going to want to read this novel I've just written : ) ....but anyhow... > > WHAT I NEED HELP WITH > > I guess what I need help with is how to proceed with the relationship but with boundaries and how to protect myself. I think right now I'm so emotionally wounded that I've withdrawn from my family....I feel like a loner...I feel guilt...but it is the only way I know how to protect myself. I haven't been home for 2 years...my dad is 78 years old...my mom is 67 and I dont' want them to die and feel guilt and regret about not having done the best I can do to have some sort of REAL relationship with them. After what I've learned...I get it ...it's not about me...it is all about them...all about their abandonment issues...all about being a " victim " ...etc. It still hurts, though. It helps, but it still hurts and I feel isolated. I've never had what I would call a " real " relationship with a man in my life....and I know it is because I'm scared out of my mind to marry a cuckoo that will want to control me with emotional blackmail like my family does. They know > how to push every button. > > > I've come a long way...I at least have more of a strong sense of self now that the last time I went home...(it had been two years too, since I had seen them) and they decided to gang up on me and tell me what a jerk / loser / whatever I am and how I've basically ruined their life. I prayed silently and suddenly realized " ...their feelings are not fact. I'm a nice person. " And I also realized that there would never be a real discussion. No true intimacy. Just them flouting their feelings as fact and then once the drama is over ...and I'm stuck with the trauma...they then miraculously act as if nothing happened. Bizarre. > > Oh and its not like we dont' ever have a good time...there have been good times...its just I never know when the tables will turn and they'll attack. I cant' stand that. > > > Anyhow...Uh...thanks for letting me dump all this baggage! > > I'll call myself: > HIgH-FiVe > Acronym for : Hell Is Happiness For Victims > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2012 Report Share Posted June 12, 2012 Hi5, welcome to OZ, I would like to give you a few things. First off, since you gave yourself a screen name, I would suggest that to keep your anonymity, if that is a concern for you, that you put that in your profile so Your name doesn't appear in your posts. I changed mine when I realized my real first and last name were appearing in my posts. I don't worry about it too much, because my nada (nickname for a BPD mother) is not at all tech savy and even tho she has a beatiful desktop computer, she NEVER uses it. I was a purchase she made to ensure that my son would spend more time at her house than at his grandpa's (just like adding cable and internet) when she found out that was one of the things he was enjoying over there. As far as creating healthy separation, I know that when I started out on this journey, I was about your age or a little younger and I can tell you that knowledge is power. I read posts here and I read books, like Understanding the Borderline Mother, and SWOE, which you have mentioned. I also have a few others which escape me at the moment. I had tried to find a therapist, but, the one I found I only went to once. He triggered me and I did not return. I don't really have the money to try again now. I have learned a lot just with my own reading and participation in this board. I get aha moments from little things that I read from other members all the time. I got one from your intro when I read the following paragraph... > I just realized working with my biz coach the other day that my life is the polar opposite of my mom...single, sucessful, and I go after what I want. She probably perceives that as " making her wrong " and has mixed emotions toward me because of that. And I sense that vibe.< I have always known that my nada has been intimidated by my knowledge and vocabulary, she lashes out at me regularly about it. I grew up with her constantly talking about how she barely managed to pass her classes and graduate high school and really never emphasizing getting good grades and college was rarely ever mentioned. I know that occasionally she is proud of my skills I learned from my schooling, but when we get away from what I do for a living, the fact that I am well read and not afraid to show it bothers her. I only viewed it from the perspective of this being an area of her feeling inferior and feeling like I am " showing off to make her feel stupid " but I never thought about it " making her wrong " as you said, so thank you for that perspective on it. Like I said, I learn new views here all the time. I can so relate to the following as well... > > I've come a long way...I at least have more of a strong sense of self now that the last time I went home...(it had been two years too, since I had seen them) and they decided to gang up on me and tell me what a jerk / loser / whatever I am and how I've basically ruined their life. I prayed silently and suddenly realized " ...their feelings are not fact. I'm a nice person. " And I also realized that there would never be a real discussion. No true intimacy. Just them flouting their feelings as fact and then once the drama is over ...and I'm stuck with the trauma...they then miraculously act as if nothing happened. Bizarre. > Yeah, that is just classic behavior. Dumping their " feelings/facts " on your head, making it all your fault and once they have purged themselves emotionally, they act as if nothing is wrong, because in their minds...NOTHING IS WRONG! They've gotten rid of all of those negative feelings and emotions onto you and now they feel better so you should too. You only serve as a garbage can to dump all this on and garbage cans don't have feelings of their own or contradicting points of view. I experienced this to the nth degree last year. I was grieving the loss of my husband and nada just unloaded on me. I already knew she was bad, but to do what she did, WHEN she did just really drove home how sick she really is! > Oh and its not like we dont' ever have a good time...there have been good times...its just I never know when the tables will turn and they'll attack. I cant' stand that. > YES! That, for me, is the crazy making part. That they can be fun and even loving at times and just turn on a dime. It is the part that makes you feel like you should focus on the good times and just ignore the rest, but the " rest " includes so much toxic emotional waste that makes it impossible. I have to remind myself that I am not her therapist or her mother or in any way responsible for her happiness or her misery. I do know that I recognize the signs faster now that she is about to " ramp up " for a good ol purging and I shut her down and make myself scarce. Instead of viewing your time away from your family as avoiding, think of it as arming yourself with knowledge and power to know when you are about to be attacked and having an " exit " strategy for those times. I went to visit my family just last month and for the first time, I did not stay with nada. I opted to sleep on an air mattress at my brothers apartment with my son. I knew that if I stayed with her, that she would, at some point, seize an opportunity to unload on me. We spent one night, just impromptu so she wouldn't have as much time to ramp herself up and got out as soon as she started showing signs that she was working on a good rage. I hope you find this board as helpful as I have and my best to you in your endeavors to heal and protect yourself. CmeBfree Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 13, 2012 Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 Welcome! This particular line in your post caught my eye: " I then noticed how her tizzy phone calls could emotionally trip me up for days at a time... " That's how it has been with my nada. Mine is like yours: waify/hermity. Idealizing about her family and how great they are...they live on another continent and she hasn't visited them in 30 years and her mother is 93...but they're realllly close. sigh! Well, I think the geographic space between you and your mother and brothers is a HUGE help. My mother lives 7 blocks from me. I love how your women's business group helped you see that, although you love your mother, you didn't have to " allow her the space and time to just vent to me...that that wasn't my job as a daughter. " I ADORE the day I discovered that, too! I was her emotional toilet in which she would purge her verbal diarrhea DAILY, as many times as she wished. Honestly, you sound like you're doing pretty darn good. You have a lot of great insights already. I don't know if you can ever have a real relationship with them. I know how you feel, the regret of facing that. But for people like our nadas and their flying monkeys, what we have to offer in the way of relationship is never, ever enough. My mother is lucky that her family lives on another continent. They are guilt carriers to the extreme and incredibly enmeshed. That's how she raised my brother and me. Now, she talks to them whenever she wants and if one of them says " why don't you come see mom, she might die any day? " , she flies into a victimy rage about how they don't understand, blah blah. Bottom line is: if she really wanted to, she would go. She would find a way. That's truth. She doesn't want to and hides behind her excuses. My brother lives a few blocks from her as well. He could NEVER, ever, get away with using excuses with her for not visiting her. I mean, he could, but he allows himself to get guilted and dragged back into her cave. You mentioned that you have a business coach, which is fantastic. Don't know if you've seen a therapist to help you with the issues you mentioned (with nada, with not letting yourself get close to any one man). That could help, too. Anyway, welcome again. You're in good company! Fiona > > Hi! > > > I'm happy to have found you guys here! > > > I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD and possibly 2 brothers of mine (I can't quite figure them out). > > I'm 41, have 4 brothers and no sisters. We've all joked about how our mom is " crazy " and just laughed it off...but now as an adult and living 3000 miles away for 13 years the drama and games have all become a lot clearer. Isn't it strange how when you think drama and weirdness are normal because it is all you know...but then as you grow emotionally you start to realize " Hey, that is totally NOT normal or appropriate or nice. " > > > I guess what I'm looking for is more affirmation and tips on how to deal with her. This journey has been a long one...I somehow found Walking On Eggshells this last Spring and read it and ...although my mom isn't as extreme as most of the examples in the book...the irrational behaviour and especially how it makes me feel really fit. Basically, I'm the good kid...not perfect...but pretty good...and I used to always try to fit things into the mold of alcoholism...(my dad is alcoholic, but doesn't drink anymore) ...which explained some things...but not everything. So, I know about scapegoating and have seen each of us kids take a turn at being the " bad kid " depending on mostly my mom's moods. > > > I'm pretty sure she's the waif type of Borderline...but I haven't been able to research this more ...but she is totally financially dependent on my dad...selfless...angry...bored...and sickly. Waiting to die. This world is " Satan's system. " She seems to get excited about being able to go to the hospital in an ambulance. As the only girl I used to get sucked in and sympathize with her...until 2010 when I finally realized she didn't want any solutions. She shot everything down. > > > And then I started reading How We Choose To Be Happy and started attending school to be a holistic health coach and learned about people and how they can choose to be a " victim " and not want solutions. I love this line, " Happiness is Hell for victims. " SO, I then noticed how her tizzy phone calls could emotionally trip me up for days at a time. Then a supportive group of women in a women's biz group I'm a part of helped me out with this one...helping me to still acknowledge that I loved her, but not allow her the space and time to just vent to me...that that wasn't my job as a daughter. And guess what happened? She now doesn't call me for weeks at a time after I've called to check in. And isn't that funny...since that's her favorite gripe about my brothers ... " they never call her..they don't care... " I don't really allow her to go on and on about her health or gripe and she knows it now and is pissed off. > > Another big clue was looking back a few years ago...my grandmother died and she didn't have a funeral service for her. I was shocked. I think my grandmother , who had a rep herself for being difficult and weird, may have been Borderline. My mom doesn't really remember most of her childhood and got married at 16 to get out of the house. So , then the next thing I know my mom is telling me how they all got together for dinner to go through old photos and share memories about grandma. I wasn't invited. Crap like this happens all the time. > > > I have a brother that is a bully too. He's an " elder " in our church and my mom and dad - who used to be able years ago to admit he was difficult- now have idolized him and he manipulates them against me, etc. > > > I just realized working with my biz coach the other day that my life is the polar opposite of my mom...single, sucessful, and I go after what I want. She probably perceives that as " making her wrong " and has mixed emotions toward me because of that. And I sense that vibe. > > > I don't know who is going to want to read this novel I've just written : ) ....but anyhow... > > WHAT I NEED HELP WITH > > I guess what I need help with is how to proceed with the relationship but with boundaries and how to protect myself. I think right now I'm so emotionally wounded that I've withdrawn from my family....I feel like a loner...I feel guilt...but it is the only way I know how to protect myself. I haven't been home for 2 years...my dad is 78 years old...my mom is 67 and I dont' want them to die and feel guilt and regret about not having done the best I can do to have some sort of REAL relationship with them. After what I've learned...I get it ...it's not about me...it is all about them...all about their abandonment issues...all about being a " victim " ...etc. It still hurts, though. It helps, but it still hurts and I feel isolated. I've never had what I would call a " real " relationship with a man in my life....and I know it is because I'm scared out of my mind to marry a cuckoo that will want to control me with emotional blackmail like my family does. They know > how to push every button. > > > I've come a long way...I at least have more of a strong sense of self now that the last time I went home...(it had been two years too, since I had seen them) and they decided to gang up on me and tell me what a jerk / loser / whatever I am and how I've basically ruined their life. I prayed silently and suddenly realized " ...their feelings are not fact. I'm a nice person. " And I also realized that there would never be a real discussion. No true intimacy. Just them flouting their feelings as fact and then once the drama is over ...and I'm stuck with the trauma...they then miraculously act as if nothing happened. Bizarre. > > Oh and its not like we dont' ever have a good time...there have been good times...its just I never know when the tables will turn and they'll attack. I cant' stand that. > > > Anyhow...Uh...thanks for letting me dump all this baggage! > > I'll call myself: > HIgH-FiVe > Acronym for : Hell Is Happiness For Victims > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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