Re: Hi! I'm new here.../acceptance/mourning/only daughter

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the warm welcome! I have a really good feeling about this group! A

huge step in the right direction towards further healing. I resisted signing up.

I guess I had to digest " Stop Walking On Eggshells " first and accept all of

this. I know it will mean work. Stepping out of more denial. Feeling safe enough

to question and admit things weren't right without feeling guilty. All to

myself, (and you guys) of course, because the fam would never allow a discussion

like this! The light keeps getting brighter!

But as stated before, I've already accepted a lot. And I think that I've mourned

a lot. And now ...like you hear when people experience the loss of loved ones in

death...it is sad, but it isn't as overwhelming as before. I have more

understanding now...and that is less frightening.

Thank you for your insight about me still wanting a " real " relationship with

them. I keep fooling myself that it is possible. It's like my brain can't

connect that I can't expect that from them. Well, I can intellectually

understand that, but I think since it is a normal need that it is hard to turn

it off.

It's funny, because several years ago when I was still a bit clueless about

this...my parents came to visit me in NYC after I'd lived here 7 years...and

there, of course, was needless drama with them on the 2nd day saying they were

going home...all because I had not received phone messages after I dropped them

off at an old friends house for lunch.(I wasn't invited and that's OK) but there

was a phone service malfunction. Aha! They felt abandoned! And I couldn't

explain enough how I would never have ignored them like that.

It was only my boyfriend at the time who was able to talk some sense into them

with magic words like " loves you so much and has been so excited for you

to visit " that they calmed down and then acted like nothing happened.

The point is...in anger when they acted like children and were going to leave

early...I said " And I'm sick of emotionally babysitting you! " And I'll never

forget the look in my mom's eyes...and I didn't quite get it how I had figured

out something huge...but I just held on to that comment because I sensed it

meant a lot. And now I know.

As far as the only girl thing...thanks for the wise warning on caretaking. Yeah,

I know. Thankfully, for now they are stubbornly independent and I think my dad

is the kind of guy to " die with his boots on " and then my mom will be left to

wither away, but she put her mom in a home...so there. AND...even though no one

else has ever acknowledged or thanked me...I found the $350 apartment they have

lived in now for the last 13 years. I'll throw that back at anyone that ever

complains. Or I just won't answer my phone. mwhahahaha

Thx again for the support!

>

> Welcome to the group ! I have a few brief thoughts...

>

> It sounds like you have a desire to reestablish your relationship with your

parents and have it be " real " . You may have to accept that that may not be

possible. For many here on this board (including me) the work toward healing is

in finding true acceptance and grieving that. To be in relationship with a BPD

you have to have very strong boundaries set up that will often be tested. So

you gotta decide is it worth it to you?

>

> Other issues...beware as the only daughter. If you are in relationship with

your parents when they become elderly there is a very real chance your brothers

will try to dump their elder care on you as even in healthy families often the

only daughter ends up with this responsibility. Back when I first discovered BPD

and NPD nobody warned me about the hell that was coming once the health issues

kicked in. At that point the elderly BPD will legitimately have real needs

that society will expect you to meet - hard to maintain boundaries in that

situation.

>

> I hope you find lots of help here it's a great group.

>

> Lobster