Guest guest Posted June 17, 2012 Report Share Posted June 17, 2012 This is always a terrible situation. My first word of advice would be to NOT let her move in with you under any circumstances. If she stays with you for a certain amount of time (30 days is typical) she gains " residency " and getting rid of her legally will become a very difficult nightmare. A mostly good book I read recently that might have some useful suggestions for you was called: Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children [Paperback] Grace Lebow (Author), Barbara Kane (Author), Irwin Lebow (Contributor) It has some good practical advice for what you should and shouldn't do with parents like yours. The reason I said it was " mostly good " is that the authors do something that really annoys me, in that while they are very supporting and compassionate toward the KOs in this book, they keep repeating " Remember, your older parent is really more miserable than you are, that's why they act that way! " That caused me to grind my teeth every time I read it. It's not that I think they're wrong, is just that this knowledge DOES NOT HELP in any way, and tends to make KOs take the wrong tack with these parents out of a genuine desire to help and relieve suffering -- and with parents like this, the instinctive compassionate response is almost always the wrong way to go. So I wish they'd just stated that maybe once and then let it go. But in any case, you should be able to get the book from your local library, and it was a quick read with a lot of helpful tips, so I'd say give it a shot. -- Jen H. > ** > > > I am curious how others deal with an aging BPD/Alcholic mother who is now > begining to have health problems. I am an only child (45 yrs. old) my Nada > is 67 and even though everyone who knows her knows how difficult she is to > deal with I am still " expected " to somehow fix her, or some how change her > abusive behavior. I know of course I have no control over her behavior. > I went to ALANON for years but I am frustrated that her boyfriend keeps > calling me and expects me to somehow fix the situation since he is tired of > dealing with her drinking and abuse and wants to throw her out. > > Yessterday she called and asked if she can home to live near me. She is > in Florida which is over 1,000 miles away from me. I said NO you cannot > live with me ever again. She is raging mad at me now and of course went > into trying to guilt me etc. then when that didn't work she resulted to > insults, attacks etc. I hung up. She does get a pension from my dad who > passed away 5 years ago so she has some money but she just blows thru it > every month and has never had to really provide for herself. She has made > a career of living off of others. She can be quite charming and nice > when she wants something or when she initially meets someone but then when > you let her in she is a nightmare. > > This is a lifetime of this with her and we have gone down that road > before of me taking her in and and it was always horrible. She is horribly > abusive when drunk and she drinks everyday so i can 't deal with living > with her like that nor do I really want her living near me becuase she will > have no problem showing up all hours of the night drunk. Thru the years I > have been LC, NC and Daily Contact. Each one has distinct drawbacks and > upsides. LC is probally the best for me but it is hard to enforce because > as soon as you open the door she barges thru and starts calling everyday > again. This is all so difficult. > > However, as she ages I wonder if I will have to end up moving her back > here to live close by. It is a scary thought. > > My fear is what do you do when they get older and begin to have health > issues and you are the only child. > It would be great if anyone has been thru some of this and can share > there experiences. > > Tracey > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2012 Report Share Posted June 17, 2012 That sounds like a very informative and useful book, Jen, thanks for recommending it to the Group. Tracey, I also suggest that you consult with a lawyer in your area about the situation so you have real knowledge about what your legal rights are and what your (potential) legal obligations may be regarding your bpd/alcoholic mother's welfare: the laws regarding the responsibilities of adult children toward their indigent elderly parents vary from state to state. I agree that if your mother moves in with you or close enough so that you would be considered her part-time care-giver, that could then potentially obligate you in ways you may not wish to be obligated. Knowledge is power, and its empowering. If you understand your legal rights in this matter clearly, your bpd/A mother won't be able to manipulate you and take advantage of you so easily. Having a mentally ill, abusive parent should not be a life sentence for their child, so I hope you will take a proactive, self-protective stance and consult some professionals about this, soon. -Annie > > This is always a terrible situation. My first word of advice would be to > NOT let her move in with you under any circumstances. If she stays with > you for a certain amount of time (30 days is typical) she gains " residency " > and getting rid of her legally will become a very difficult nightmare. > > A mostly good book I read recently that might have some useful suggestions > for you was called: > > Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children > [Paperback] > Grace Lebow (Author), Barbara Kane (Author), Irwin Lebow (Contributor) > > It has some good practical advice for what you should and shouldn't do with > parents like yours. The reason I said it was " mostly good " is that the > authors do something that really annoys me, in that while they are very > supporting and compassionate toward the KOs in this book, they keep > repeating " Remember, your older parent is really more miserable than you > are, that's why they act that way! " That caused me to grind my teeth every > time I read it. It's not that I think they're wrong, is just that this > knowledge DOES NOT HELP in any way, and tends to make KOs take the wrong > tack with these parents out of a genuine desire to help and relieve > suffering -- and with parents like this, the instinctive compassionate > response is almost always the wrong way to go. So I wish they'd just > stated that maybe once and then let it go. > > But in any case, you should be able to get the book from your local > library, and it was a quick read with a lot of helpful tips, so I'd say > give it a shot. > > -- Jen H. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 17, 2012 Report Share Posted June 17, 2012 Thanks for this book recomendation. I will get it and also consult with a lawyer. You are so right when you say it is a terrible situation becuase it is and there are no easy answers. In the end, we some how end up responsible for them as their only family. > > > ** > > > > > > I am curious how others deal with an aging BPD/Alcholic mother who is now > > begining to have health problems. I am an only child (45 yrs. old) my Nada > > is 67 and even though everyone who knows her knows how difficult she is to > > deal with I am still " expected " to somehow fix her, or some how change her > > abusive behavior. I know of course I have no control over her behavior. > > I went to ALANON for years but I am frustrated that her boyfriend keeps > > calling me and expects me to somehow fix the situation since he is tired of > > dealing with her drinking and abuse and wants to throw her out. > > > > Yessterday she called and asked if she can home to live near me. She is > > in Florida which is over 1,000 miles away from me. I said NO you cannot > > live with me ever again. She is raging mad at me now and of course went > > into trying to guilt me etc. then when that didn't work she resulted to > > insults, attacks etc. I hung up. She does get a pension from my dad who > > passed away 5 years ago so she has some money but she just blows thru it > > every month and has never had to really provide for herself. She has made > > a career of living off of others. She can be quite charming and nice > > when she wants something or when she initially meets someone but then when > > you let her in she is a nightmare. > > > > This is a lifetime of this with her and we have gone down that road > > before of me taking her in and and it was always horrible. She is horribly > > abusive when drunk and she drinks everyday so i can 't deal with living > > with her like that nor do I really want her living near me becuase she will > > have no problem showing up all hours of the night drunk. Thru the years I > > have been LC, NC and Daily Contact. Each one has distinct drawbacks and > > upsides. LC is probally the best for me but it is hard to enforce because > > as soon as you open the door she barges thru and starts calling everyday > > again. This is all so difficult. > > > > However, as she ages I wonder if I will have to end up moving her back > > here to live close by. It is a scary thought. > > > > My fear is what do you do when they get older and begin to have health > > issues and you are the only child. > > It would be great if anyone has been thru some of this and can share > > there experiences. > > > > Tracey > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 Wow, the idea of forced responsibility of a parent just enrages me, considering these seemingly sympathetic elderly were once neglectful, abusive parents. I am in a similar situation, being the only child of a nada approaching her retirement years. I don't know what she will do when she gets older. The witch has morphed into the waif and of course, she has never shown any personal responsibility in ever life. Please don't feel bullied by society into accepting her into your home. My nada is especially cunning and knows all about those residency laws-and how you can't just throw someone out of your house after you let them in. No matter what age she may be, I will always remember how manipulative she can be and I will never forget that she tried to ruin my marriage and once even physically assaulted my husband. We cannot let our guards down around people like this, no matter when they were born. Stay strong! > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > I am curious how others deal with an aging BPD/Alcholic mother who is now > > > begining to have health problems. I am an only child (45 yrs. old) my Nada > > > is 67 and even though everyone who knows her knows how difficult she is to > > > deal with I am still " expected " to somehow fix her, or some how change her > > > abusive behavior. I know of course I have no control over her behavior. > > > I went to ALANON for years but I am frustrated that her boyfriend keeps > > > calling me and expects me to somehow fix the situation since he is tired of > > > dealing with her drinking and abuse and wants to throw her out. > > > > > > Yessterday she called and asked if she can home to live near me. She is > > > in Florida which is over 1,000 miles away from me. I said NO you cannot > > > live with me ever again. She is raging mad at me now and of course went > > > into trying to guilt me etc. then when that didn't work she resulted to > > > insults, attacks etc. I hung up. She does get a pension from my dad who > > > passed away 5 years ago so she has some money but she just blows thru it > > > every month and has never had to really provide for herself. She has made > > > a career of living off of others. She can be quite charming and nice > > > when she wants something or when she initially meets someone but then when > > > you let her in she is a nightmare. > > > > > > This is a lifetime of this with her and we have gone down that road > > > before of me taking her in and and it was always horrible. She is horribly > > > abusive when drunk and she drinks everyday so i can 't deal with living > > > with her like that nor do I really want her living near me becuase she will > > > have no problem showing up all hours of the night drunk. Thru the years I > > > have been LC, NC and Daily Contact. Each one has distinct drawbacks and > > > upsides. LC is probally the best for me but it is hard to enforce because > > > as soon as you open the door she barges thru and starts calling everyday > > > again. This is all so difficult. > > > > > > However, as she ages I wonder if I will have to end up moving her back > > > here to live close by. It is a scary thought. > > > > > > My fear is what do you do when they get older and begin to have health > > > issues and you are the only child. > > > It would be great if anyone has been thru some of this and can share > > > there experiences. > > > > > > Tracey > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 I'm in a similar situation though without the over-the-top alcoholic behavior. Talking to a lawyer sounds like good advice and also talk to social services in your mother's city to see if they'll do wellness checks on her. Definitely getting the state involved early is good since it sounds likely from what you wrote that you might end up wanting the state to appoint a guardian for her at some point in the future. As for me I'm hoping to do as much as I can long-distance for my nada but she resists the idea of any " strangers " in her home and would rather struggle along and live in unhealthy conditions. Her conditions aren't good but they aren't bad enough yet to be actionable. So for right now I keep presenting options for people to help her and she keeps refusing and time is going to have to pass until something passes a critical point. It is a bad position as an only child especially if you've tried all your life to be a responsible and caring as to be the opposite of the parent. Sometimes it almost feels like I have to betray the parts of myself that are the best, that most separate me from her - to be callous, neglecful and unempathetic in the name of my own self-protection. Yet she's so often used my sense of compassion and duty against me. And she still does to some degree - I find it morally impossible to completely abandon her. So my advice Tracey, be very careful, know your rights and try to find acceptance that there will be no truly good non-painful solution to this. Just try to find the one that's best for you that you can live with in the long run. Take care Lobster > > I am curious how others deal with an aging BPD/Alcholic mother who is now begining to have health problems. I am an only child (45 yrs. old) my Nada is 67 and even though everyone who knows her knows how difficult she is to deal with I am still " expected " to somehow fix her, or some how change her abusive behavior. I know of course I have no control over her behavior.  I went to ALANON for years but I am frustrated that her boyfriend keeps calling me and expects me to somehow fix the situation since he is tired of dealing with her drinking and abuse and wants to throw her out. >  > Yessterday she called and asked if she can home to live near me. She is in Florida which is over 1,000 miles away from me.  I said NO you cannot live with me ever again.  She is raging mad at me now and of course went into trying to guilt me etc.  then when that didn't work she resulted to insults, attacks etc. I hung up. She does get a pension from my dad who passed away 5 years ago so she has some money but she just blows thru it every month and has never had to really provide for herself. She has made a career of living off of others.   She can be quite charming and nice when she wants something or when she initially meets someone but then when you let her in she is a nightmare. >  > This is a lifetime of this with her and we have gone down that road before of me taking her in and and it was always horrible. She is horribly abusive when drunk and she drinks everyday so i can 't deal with living with her like that nor do I really want her living near me becuase she will have no problem showing up all hours of the night drunk. Thru the years I have been LC, NC and Daily Contact. Each one has distinct drawbacks and upsides. LC is probally the best for me but it is hard to enforce because as soon as you open the door she barges thru and starts calling everyday again.  This is all so difficult. >  > However, as she ages I wonder if I will have to end up moving her back here to live close by. It is a scary thought. >  > My fear is what do you do when they get older and begin to have health issues and you are the only child. > It would be great if anyone has been thru some of this and can share there experiences.  >  > Tracey > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2012 Report Share Posted June 19, 2012 Of course the situation has gone from bad to worse. Her boyfriend called me last night to inform me that he has filed an Injunction against her and she will be evicted today. He said she is out of control with her drinking and threatening his life etc. He can't take anymore and just wants her out. So, He asked me not to tell her for fear she would detroy his home or do something violent. So I imagine today will be a nightmare when the polic come and remove her from his home. She is over a thousand miles away from me but could possibly drive here and I am praying she doesn't. I can't let her in my home I just can't becuase I will never get her out. I feel bad doing this but I know it is the only way for my own sanity. She will have to figure out a place to stay where she is....I anticapate a barage of phone calls from her today. She was warned many times that she needed to stop her abusive behavior but she just escalated and the more he let it go the worse it got. He said to me last night I feel sorry for you having a mother like this....It made me cry when I hung up. I am just so tired of the insanity and I don't see an end in sight. One Thing is for sure I will NOT let her live with me. I spoke with a friend who is a lawyer and he told me I have no legal oblogation to take her in especially since there is nothing physically wrong with her other than her alcholism. She still looks fine at 67. God knows what her liver looks like and with the way she drinks and smokes it is amazing how good she looks for her age and is quite cunning when she wants to be. She has been an alcholic/BPD/NPD all her life with no regard for others rights or the law she could care less and I just hope she goes peacefully from his home and they are not forced to lock her up as happened in the past when she threatened to stab him when he had her put her out a few years ago. Please pray for me and that this situation will somehow get resolved peacefully. I am worried and scared. > > > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > > > > I am curious how others deal with an aging BPD/Alcholic mother who is now > > > > begining to have health problems. I am an only child (45 yrs. old) my Nada > > > > is 67 and even though everyone who knows her knows how difficult she is to > > > > deal with I am still " expected " to somehow fix her, or some how change her > > > > abusive behavior. I know of course I have no control over her behavior. > > > > I went to ALANON for years but I am frustrated that her boyfriend keeps > > > > calling me and expects me to somehow fix the situation since he is tired of > > > > dealing with her drinking and abuse and wants to throw her out. > > > > > > > > Yessterday she called and asked if she can home to live near me. She is > > > > in Florida which is over 1,000 miles away from me. I said NO you cannot > > > > live with me ever again. She is raging mad at me now and of course went > > > > into trying to guilt me etc. then when that didn't work she resulted to > > > > insults, attacks etc. I hung up. She does get a pension from my dad who > > > > passed away 5 years ago so she has some money but she just blows thru it > > > > every month and has never had to really provide for herself. She has made > > > > a career of living off of others. She can be quite charming and nice > > > > when she wants something or when she initially meets someone but then when > > > > you let her in she is a nightmare. > > > > > > > > This is a lifetime of this with her and we have gone down that road > > > > before of me taking her in and and it was always horrible. She is horribly > > > > abusive when drunk and she drinks everyday so i can 't deal with living > > > > with her like that nor do I really want her living near me becuase she will > > > > have no problem showing up all hours of the night drunk. Thru the years I > > > > have been LC, NC and Daily Contact. Each one has distinct drawbacks and > > > > upsides. LC is probally the best for me but it is hard to enforce because > > > > as soon as you open the door she barges thru and starts calling everyday > > > > again. This is all so difficult. > > > > > > > > However, as she ages I wonder if I will have to end up moving her back > > > > here to live close by. It is a scary thought. > > > > > > > > My fear is what do you do when they get older and begin to have health > > > > issues and you are the only child. > > > > It would be great if anyone has been thru some of this and can share > > > > there experiences. > > > > > > > > Tracey > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2012 Report Share Posted June 19, 2012 Sorry for all you are going thru. You are in my thoughts and prayers. From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2012 8:53 AM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: BPD/ALCOHOLIC MOTHER Of course the situation has gone from bad to worse. Her boyfriend called me last night to inform me that he has filed an Injunction against her and she will be evicted today. He said she is out of control with her drinking and threatening his life etc. He can't take anymore and just wants her out. So, He asked me not to tell her for fear she would detroy his home or do something violent. So I imagine today will be a nightmare when the polic come and remove her from his home. She is over a thousand miles away from me but could possibly drive here and I am praying she doesn't. I can't let her in my home I just can't becuase I will never get her out. I feel bad doing this but I know it is the only way for my own sanity. She will have to figure out a place to stay where she is....I anticapate a barage of phone calls from her today. She was warned many times that she needed to stop her abusive behavior but she just escalated and the more he let it go the worse it got. He said to me last night I feel sorry for you having a mother like this....It made me cry when I hung up. I am just so tired of the insanity and I don't see an end in sight. One Thing is for sure I will NOT let her live with me. I spoke with a friend who is a lawyer and he told me I have no legal oblogation to take her in especially since there is nothing physically wrong with her other than her alcholism. She still looks fine at 67. God knows what her liver looks like and with the way she drinks and smokes it is amazing how good she looks for her age and is quite cunning when she wants to be. She has been an alcholic/BPD/NPD all her life with no regard for others rights or the law she could care less and I just hope she goes peacefully from his home and they are not forced to lock her up as happened in the past when she threatened to stab him when he had her put her out a few years ago. Please pray for me and that this situation will somehow get resolved peacefully. I am worried and scared. > > > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > > > > I am curious how others deal with an aging BPD/Alcholic mother who is now > > > > begining to have health problems. I am an only child (45 yrs. old) my Nada > > > > is 67 and even though everyone who knows her knows how difficult she is to > > > > deal with I am still " expected " to somehow fix her, or some how change her > > > > abusive behavior. I know of course I have no control over her behavior. > > > > I went to ALANON for years but I am frustrated that her boyfriend keeps > > > > calling me and expects me to somehow fix the situation since he is tired of > > > > dealing with her drinking and abuse and wants to throw her out. > > > > > > > > Yessterday she called and asked if she can home to live near me. She is > > > > in Florida which is over 1,000 miles away from me. I said NO you cannot > > > > live with me ever again. She is raging mad at me now and of course went > > > > into trying to guilt me etc. then when that didn't work she resulted to > > > > insults, attacks etc. I hung up. She does get a pension from my dad who > > > > passed away 5 years ago so she has some money but she just blows thru it > > > > every month and has never had to really provide for herself. She has made > > > > a career of living off of others. She can be quite charming and nice > > > > when she wants something or when she initially meets someone but then when > > > > you let her in she is a nightmare. > > > > > > > > This is a lifetime of this with her and we have gone down that road > > > > before of me taking her in and and it was always horrible. She is horribly > > > > abusive when drunk and she drinks everyday so i can 't deal with living > > > > with her like that nor do I really want her living near me becuase she will > > > > have no problem showing up all hours of the night drunk. Thru the years I > > > > have been LC, NC and Daily Contact. Each one has distinct drawbacks and > > > > upsides. LC is probally the best for me but it is hard to enforce because > > > > as soon as you open the door she barges thru and starts calling everyday > > > > again. This is all so difficult. > > > > > > > > However, as she ages I wonder if I will have to end up moving her back > > > > here to live close by. It is a scary thought. > > > > > > > > My fear is what do you do when they get older and begin to have health > > > > issues and you are the only child. > > > > It would be great if anyone has been thru some of this and can share > > > > there experiences. > > > > > > > > Tracey > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2012 Report Share Posted June 19, 2012 You can find some in-person emotional support for your situation at an Al-Anon meeting, which is the support group for the families of alcoholics. Bpd behaviors and alcoholic behaviors can be really similar / overlap, and Al-Anon is all about sharing with fellow adult children of alcoholics / parents of alcoholics / spouses of alcoholics, similar experiences and hearing how others have dealt with such behaviors. Here is a website that has a link for you to find a local meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ It seems that they have online/phone (conference type) meetings available also, very handy. Keep posting as you can and feel like it, we're here to help give you emotional support as well. -Annie > > Of course the situation has gone from bad to worse. Her boyfriend called me last night to inform me that he has filed an Injunction against her and she will be evicted today. He said she is out of control with her drinking and threatening his life etc. He can't take anymore and just wants her out. So, He asked me not to tell her for fear she would detroy his home or do something violent. So I imagine today will be a nightmare when the polic come and remove her from his home. She is over a thousand miles away from me but could possibly drive here and I am praying she doesn't. > > I can't let her in my home I just can't becuase I will never get her out. I feel bad doing this but I know it is the only way for my own sanity. She will have to figure out a place to stay where she is....I anticapate a barage of phone calls from her today. > > She was warned many times that she needed to stop her abusive behavior but she just escalated and the more he let it go the worse it got. > > He said to me last night I feel sorry for you having a mother like this....It made me cry when I hung up. I am just so tired of the insanity and I don't see an end in sight. > > One Thing is for sure I will NOT let her live with me. I spoke with a friend who is a lawyer and he told me I have no legal oblogation to take her in especially since there is nothing physically wrong with her other than her alcholism. She still looks fine at 67. God knows what her liver looks like and with the way she drinks and smokes it is amazing how good she looks for her age and is quite cunning when she wants to be. She has been an alcholic/BPD/NPD all her life with no regard for others rights or the law she could care less and I just hope she goes peacefully from his home and they are not forced to lock her up as happened in the past when she threatened to stab him when he had her put her out a few years ago. > > Please pray for me and that this situation will somehow get resolved peacefully. I am worried and scared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2012 Report Share Posted June 19, 2012 Hi Annie, Thank you. Yes, I went to Alanon for years. It is helpful. I may need to go back again to a meeting. Right now she has been evicted and is trying to see if she can stay with a friend. She already violated the restraining order by trying to go back and get her belongings. Now she is calling me and it is a big mess. She has no clothes and none of her things and she has a dog with her. She will be arrested if she returns to his house again for violating the restraining order. I just pray she doesn't drive all the way here. I don't know if I can go thru turning her away again. I did it once before and it was horrible. Thank you all for your prayers... > > > > Of course the situation has gone from bad to worse. Her boyfriend called me last night to inform me that he has filed an Injunction against her and she will be evicted today. He said she is out of control with her drinking and threatening his life etc. He can't take anymore and just wants her out. So, He asked me not to tell her for fear she would detroy his home or do something violent. So I imagine today will be a nightmare when the polic come and remove her from his home. She is over a thousand miles away from me but could possibly drive here and I am praying she doesn't. > > > > I can't let her in my home I just can't becuase I will never get her out. I feel bad doing this but I know it is the only way for my own sanity. She will have to figure out a place to stay where she is....I anticapate a barage of phone calls from her today. > > > > She was warned many times that she needed to stop her abusive behavior but she just escalated and the more he let it go the worse it got. > > > > He said to me last night I feel sorry for you having a mother like this....It made me cry when I hung up. I am just so tired of the insanity and I don't see an end in sight. > > > > One Thing is for sure I will NOT let her live with me. I spoke with a friend who is a lawyer and he told me I have no legal oblogation to take her in especially since there is nothing physically wrong with her other than her alcholism. She still looks fine at 67. God knows what her liver looks like and with the way she drinks and smokes it is amazing how good she looks for her age and is quite cunning when she wants to be. She has been an alcholic/BPD/NPD all her life with no regard for others rights or the law she could care less and I just hope she goes peacefully from his home and they are not forced to lock her up as happened in the past when she threatened to stab him when he had her put her out a few years ago. > > > > Please pray for me and that this situation will somehow get resolved peacefully. I am worried and scared. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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