So, am I a glutton for punishment, why do I do this?

[Guest guest]

Hello fellow KO's out there,

I think most of you know my story here.  For some who are not familiar, I will

try and sum it up in a few sentences.  I went NC with my Alcoholic/Waif BPD

mother and Addict/Queen BPD Older Sister 7 year ago.  I did this after

enmeshment and being the caregiver for 28 years.  My parents went thru a nasty

divorce at age 4 and it's left scars that have never/may never heal.  I dealt

with parental alienation on both sides, and was treated as a scapegoat/lost

child when I was court ordered to live with my father at age 9.  I went from a

frying pan to a fryer.  Kids were to be seen and not heard, so I started

codependent traits at an early age.  I learned to be a chameleon, be what you

needed and wanted and never knew who I was.

Last year at 35, I had my first child.  Now, since going NC with the maternal

side of my FOO, I guess I have taken scraps on the Paternal side of my FOO to

keep the fantasy FOO alive in my mind.  Guess it was better than not having any

FOO at all.  But, on the Paternal FOO side, I have 2 half-sisters.  One who just

had a baby around the same time that I did.  One who got released from a 3 year

prison sentence on the same month my son was born.  I chose to place some strong

and healthy boundaries down. 

1- still NC with mom

2- still NC with older sister

3- no family gatherings if #2 is at any functions

4- NC with #2's children-- they are influenced in BPD world by their mom and

grandma, and don't want that influence around my son

5- NC for 3 years with prison sibling.

That's basically the gist of it.  Once I put those boundaries in place, my

Paternal FOO all but told me to go F myself.  In the past year, they have seen

my son once.  It's been the most challenging year of my whole life.  I am a new

mom, and that in and of itself is challenge.  Balancing owing my own company,

being a good mom, being a good wife, teaching, cooking, taking care of a

household, etc.

But, in the past year, I think I have held onto any shred left of my FOO.  I

have had about 6 conversations with my dad since my boundaries letter last

June.  They have mostly been light, some emails he has sent me have been

mind-f'ing and manipulation.  (he has narcissistic PD)  I wasn't prepared for

today's phone call, hence my subject line.  I had pure intentions at heart,

picked up the phone to wish him a happy father's day.  Backfired!!!  The man

basically said, " I have been a good father, if you look at your whole life.  I

can't prevent life from happening.  It's just life.  I protected you, and was a

stable force in your life.  Where do we go from here?  Why don't you just tell

me you don't want any contact, and we'll all just move on with our lives. "

It went on for about 10 minutes, telling me how great of a grandfather he is to

Sister #3's newborn son.  He said that he would welcome the chance to be in my

son's life.  he said, don't you think he needs to have more than just 1 blood

grandparent (my husband's mother) in his life?  Don't you think he deserves

that?  He went on and on and on.  Laying the guilt on pretty thick.

OUCH, wasn't prepared for that.  I just wanted to say Happy Father's day, and

him say thanks and hang up.  Didn't go quite as planned.  So, trapped like a 4

year old little girl, I said whatever he wanted me to say, to please him and

just exit the phone call.  " Sure dad, we'll do that. we'll get together soon,

Dad.  Sure he needs his grandfather. "   I felt like Cat s, Cats in the

Cradle song.

Help???  Any pearls of wisdom out there?  How do I shake these fleas?  Should I

just not subject myself and never call again?  Maybe that's what direction this

is going.  My little girl is scared and crying for help, and I don't know how to

comfort her. 

Love to all the KO's that suffer,

Mandy

[Guest guest]

Hi Mandy,

Breathe. Then let your little girl be scared. She is telling you about what

she remembers in the only way she can, which is to re-experience it. What she

may need now is simply to be heard, because she wasn't heard at the time. The

most healing thing you may be able to do for yourself is simply to acknowledge

how you feel without doing any of the emotionally abusive things your parents

did: without minimizing, denying, or criticizing how you feel. The thing about

being an adult is that it is now safe to be afraid, as paradoxical as that

sounds.

And then I would let it go. Learning to respond in the way that you did helped

you survive and, although it no longer helps, it's very difficult to unlearn

things once they are learned. Nothing further will happen because of it. It

doesn't mean you've lost ground or that you will now become paralyzed with this

fear. It just means you saw a bullet coming, so you ducked.

When you're feeling calm again, which may not be today, then you can think about

what to do. But I find for myself at least that the time to make decisions or

even try to analyze a problem is most definitely not when I'm feeling

distressed. The decision-making part of your brain is just not up and running.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Hi Mandy,

Sounds like you're balancing a lot, but your concern for your daughter is

completely legitimate.

You're in a tough position, and truthfully, I'm not sure what advice to give. 

My first son is nine months old and I was NC with my mother while I was

pregnant, trying to have as stable of a pregnancy as possible.  It was the most

wonderful and peaceful time of my life!  Since he was born, I have felt

incredible guilt that I can't provide him with stable and loving

grand-parents.  My husband and my dad are narcissists and my mom is BPD. 

What's worse is that my mom is so incredible with him now.  She is very

respectful of our rules, right now.  I fear that when he is old enough to talk

though, she will do what she did with my siblings and myself, which is become

the abusive mother I remember.  My son loves her so much and I don't know what

to do either.  Do I give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that with my

guidelines, supervision, regulation, she can be a better grandmother than

mother?  Or do I cut her out entirely because she is

likely to hurt my child some day?  But then that will hurt him to not have a

grandmother in his life.  It's a tough decision, and no matter what you do, I

think there's going to be guilt and concern, justified or not.  Is it healthy

to go NC until the person shapes up, then let them back in just to go NC again

when they mess up again?  What does that do to our children?

Even parents without messed up families (and they might be just a legend, really

  ) constantly worry about the decisions they are making.  Even as simple

as, do I read to him enough? should we take him to urgent care or wait for the

doctor's office? should we start him on solids? and the list goes on until

they're 112, so I hear.  We have the added concerns of trying to protect our

children from the family that mistreated us growing up.  Will it hurt them more

to be around them or not to be around them?  I think you have to look at it on

an individual basis, like you have, and decide which people can respect your

rules and which people can't.  Sounds like you're making the tough choice, but

like I tell my students, sometimes the right choice is the tough choice. 

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2012 4:16 PM

Subject: So, am I a glutton for punishment, why do I do

this?

 

Hello fellow KO's out there,

I think most of you know my story here.  For some who are not familiar, I will

try and sum it up in a few sentences.  I went NC with my Alcoholic/Waif BPD

mother and Addict/Queen BPD Older Sister 7 year ago.  I did this after

enmeshment and being the caregiver for 28 years.  My parents went thru a nasty

divorce at age 4 and it's left scars that have never/may never heal.  I dealt

with parental alienation on both sides, and was treated as a scapegoat/lost

child when I was court ordered to live with my father at age 9.  I went from a

frying pan to a fryer.  Kids were to be seen and not heard, so I started

codependent traits at an early age.  I learned to be a chameleon, be what you

needed and wanted and never knew who I was.

Last year at 35, I had my first child.  Now, since going NC with the maternal

side of my FOO, I guess I have taken scraps on the Paternal side of my FOO to

keep the fantasy FOO alive in my mind.  Guess it was better than not having any

FOO at all.  But, on the Paternal FOO side, I have 2 half-sisters.  One who

just had a baby around the same time that I did.  One who got released from a 3

year prison sentence on the same month my son was born.  I chose to place some

strong and healthy boundaries down. 

1- still NC with mom

2- still NC with older sister

3- no family gatherings if #2 is at any functions

4- NC with #2's children-- they are influenced in BPD world by their mom and

grandma, and don't want that influence around my son

5- NC for 3 years with prison sibling.

That's basically the gist of it.  Once I put those boundaries in place, my

Paternal FOO all but told me to go F myself.  In the past year, they have seen

my son once.  It's been the most challenging year of my whole life.  I am a

new mom, and that in and of itself is challenge.  Balancing owing my own

company, being a good mom, being a good wife, teaching, cooking, taking care of

a household, etc.

But, in the past year, I think I have held onto any shred left of my FOO.  I

have had about 6 conversations with my dad since my boundaries letter last

June.  They have mostly been light, some emails he has sent me have been

mind-f'ing and manipulation.  (he has narcissistic PD)  I wasn't prepared for

today's phone call, hence my subject line.  I had pure intentions at heart,

picked up the phone to wish him a happy father's day.  Backfired!!!  The man

basically said, " I have been a good father, if you look at your whole life.  I

can't prevent life from happening.  It's just life.  I protected you, and was

a stable force in your life.  Where do we go from here?  Why don't you just

tell me you don't want any contact, and we'll all just move on with our lives. "

It went on for about 10 minutes, telling me how great of a grandfather he is to

Sister #3's newborn son.  He said that he would welcome the chance to be in my

son's life.  he said, don't you think he needs to have more than just 1 blood

grandparent (my husband's mother) in his life?  Don't you think he deserves

that?  He went on and on and on.  Laying the guilt on pretty thick.

OUCH, wasn't prepared for that.  I just wanted to say Happy Father's day, and

him say thanks and hang up.  Didn't go quite as planned.  So, trapped like a 4

year old little girl, I said whatever he wanted me to say, to please him and

just exit the phone call.  " Sure dad, we'll do that. we'll get together soon,

Dad.  Sure he needs his grandfather. "   I felt like Cat s, Cats in the

Cradle song.

Help???  Any pearls of wisdom out there?  How do I shake these fleas?  Should

I just not subject myself and never call again?  Maybe that's what direction

this is going.  My little girl is scared and crying for help, and I don't know

how to comfort her. 

Love to all the KO's that suffer,

Mandy

[Guest guest]

part of EMDR therapy that I am doing is to think about the distressing situation

that keeps re-traumatizing you and figure out how it could have been different.

the cool thing about this is that you can bring in an outsider to tell Nada (or

your dad) to BACK OFF or you can imagine walking away, or hanging up and how

that would (have made) make things different. I find that this part of the

therapy is empowering, and makes me not feel so trapped. It also helps to

imagine that little girl in a comfortable setting, and give her a hug, or be a

listening ear, or whatever she needs. you can mother yourself sometimes.

acknowledged feelings come and go and don't hurt us the way that suppressed ones

do. kids should be able to trust their parents. your feelings are valid. I have

to tell myself that all the time.

Meikjn

>

> Hi Mandy,

>

> Breathe. Then let your little girl be scared. She is telling you about what

she remembers in the only way she can, which is to re-experience it. What she

may need now is simply to be heard, because she wasn't heard at the time. The

most healing thing you may be able to do for yourself is simply to acknowledge

how you feel without doing any of the emotionally abusive things your parents

did: without minimizing, denying, or criticizing how you feel. The thing about

being an adult is that it is now safe to be afraid, as paradoxical as that

sounds.

>

> And then I would let it go. Learning to respond in the way that you did

helped you survive and, although it no longer helps, it's very difficult to

unlearn things once they are learned. Nothing further will happen because of

it. It doesn't mean you've lost ground or that you will now become paralyzed

with this fear. It just means you saw a bullet coming, so you ducked.

>

> When you're feeling calm again, which may not be today, then you can think

about what to do. But I find for myself at least that the time to make

decisions or even try to analyze a problem is most definitely not when I'm

feeling distressed. The decision-making part of your brain is just not up and

running.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>