New to the group.....Mom has BPD

[Guest guest]

Hi all, I'm glad I stumbled across this site tonight as I am at my limits with

my mom. Some background, I'm 39, married, daughter of a BPD mother and a

codependent father, with a beautiful 13 year old daughter of my own from my

first marriage. I have a brother who, for all intents and purposes, removed

himself and his family from the situation years ago. He still calls, visits

occasionally, but lives 18 hours away.

I can't get that far away, myself. Mom's 64, has heart failure and several

medical issues, she abuses alcohol, and herself, as well as everyone around her.

I can remember thinking something was " funny " about my Mom growing up but never

being able to put my finger on it. All I knew was there was always someone I

was " forbidden " to talk to because they were " evil " . She has 5 brothers, one

who committed suicide after fighting with schizophrenia, 3 who she is not on

speaking terms (her 'ex-brothers') and one who only wants money but is this

months golden boy.

Mom is very emotionally abusive, of course, and it gets to the point where I try

to lay down boundaries, but am told I'm selfish, and how dare I tell her what to

do. She has on several occasions used the suicide line, to the point where I

had to stay on suicide watch with her while my dad and everyone else went to HIS

dad's funeral.

I guess the way I see BPD is who gets to be the prize for this month....and

usually it is my daughter. The problem with this is simple, they have a virtual

Disneyland in their house for my daughter (not for my brother's kids, she's

quick to point out), and they promise her the moon and stars, while telling her

how 'poor white trash' her Mom and Step Dad are. Sigh! (BTW I'm a RN and my

husband is a Financial Advisor. We are just plain old middle class, not rich,

but not poor.)

Anyways, thanks for letting me rant, I wish I could change her, get her to see

what she does to me, and to my daughter, as well as to all of our

family....words of wisdom from those who have been there are appreciated!!

Tina

[Guest guest]

Glad you found us--welcome! Your story sounds very familiar. I think we all

understand where you're coming from.

I just have a few things to mention:

1) She is never going to like your boundaries. She will throw a tantrum every

time. But you need them anyway. Let her call you selfish. Let her call you

cruel. Just hang up or leave.

2) You don't have to be on suicide watch. That is a job you are not qualified

for, even as an RN, because you cannot treat your own parent. If she is suicidal

or threatening suicide, she needs to be under *professional* observation in a

hospital. Call 911 or drive her to the ER when she is threatening to kill

herself.

3)You can't change her, and the disorder makes it impossible for her to choose

your needs over her own. We all wish our parents were capable of empathy and

that they could live a happy peaceful life with us in it. But unfortunately,

that's not reality. We have to adjust our expectations.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hello Tina,

She's never going to see what she does to you or the rest of

your family. She's never going to understand what is wrong with

her behavior. BPD makes people incapable of seeing that kind of

thing. People who don't believe there is anything wrong with

their behavior generally don't change that behavior. It may help

to think of her as being emotionally like a three-year-old.

Three-year-olds throw tantrums when they don't get what they

want. They say things without thinking about how their words

will hurt people. They don't understand that they can't have

things just because they want them. They do things impulsively

without thinking about the consequences. People with BPD do

those things too.

I have a suggestion where boundaries are concerned. Boundaries

are for you, not for her. You don't have to tell her what yours

are. Just start enforcing them. If you tell her, she's always

going to get upset and argue with her. So don't tell her

directly. Decide what your boundaries are and what you're going

to do when she violates them and then start following through.

As an example, one of my boundaries is that my nada (that's what

we call our unmotherly mothers) is not allowed to badmouth

people I care about in my prescence. If she starts bad-mouthing

me, my sister, either of her ex-husbands or various other

people, I tell her we're not going to discuss that. If she

continues I hang up the phone or leave. I can't make her stop

wanting to say nasty things about people but I can subjecting

myself to hearing what she wants to say. After several years of

enforcing that boundary, she's gotten the idea that talking

about that stuff to me doesn't give her the results she wants

and she starts less conversations of that sort than she used to.

I'm sure she doesn't understand why I won't listen to her when

she bad-mouths people because she doesn't see anything wrong

with talking that way, but she does understand that the results

of doing it are undesirable for her.

In your case, it sounds like one of your boundaries needs to be

that she isn't to bad-mouth you and your husband to your

daughter. How does your daughter feel about her? Are you there

with her when she visits them? Personally, I wouldn't let a

13-year-old have unsupervised visits with someone with BPD.

Girls are too vulnerable to emotional manipulation at that age.

Even if she's the golden girl in your nada's mind, being the

golden child can be emotionally destructive as well.

At 11:29 PM 06/18/2012 tina b wrote:

>Hi all, I'm glad I stumbled across this site tonight as I am at

>my limits with my mom. Some background, I'm 39, married,

>daughter of a BPD mother and a codependent father, with a

>beautiful 13 year old daughter of my own from my first

>marriage. I have a brother who, for all intents and purposes,

>removed himself and his family from the situation years

>ago. He still calls, visits occasionally, but lives 18 hours

>away.

>

>I can't get that far away, myself. Mom's 64, has heart failure

>and several medical issues, she abuses alcohol, and herself, as

>well as everyone around her.

>

>I can remember thinking something was " funny " about my Mom

>growing up but never being able to put my finger on it. All I

>knew was there was always someone I was " forbidden " to talk to

>because they were " evil " . She has 5 brothers, one who

>committed suicide after fighting with schizophrenia, 3 who she

>is not on speaking terms (her 'ex-brothers') and one who only

>wants money but is this months golden boy.

>

>Mom is very emotionally abusive, of course, and it gets to the

>point where I try to lay down boundaries, but am told I'm

>selfish, and how dare I tell her what to do. She has on

>several occasions used the suicide line, to the point where I

>had to stay on suicide watch with her while my dad and everyone

>else went to HIS dad's funeral.

>

>

>I guess the way I see BPD is who gets to be the prize for this

>month....and usually it is my daughter. The problem with this

>is simple, they have a virtual Disneyland in their house for my

>daughter (not for my brother's kids, she's quick to point out),

>and they promise her the moon and stars, while telling her how

>'poor white trash' her Mom and Step Dad are. Sigh! (BTW I'm a

>RN and my husband is a Financial Advisor. We are just plain old

>middle class, not rich, but not poor.)

>

>Anyways, thanks for letting me rant, I wish I could change her,

>get her to see what she does to me, and to my daughter, as well

>as to all of our family....words of wisdom from those who have

>been there are appreciated!!

>

>Tina

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the sound advice and the words of encouragement.  Yes, my daughter

does go there without me at times, but my father is there when she is.  He

unfortunately doesn't want to admit Mom's problems, because for him, it's easier

to enable her.  I like the term Nada, that really describes her well, and

looking back I remember thinking something was odd about her behavior, but never

understanding what it was.  Either way, they insist on having my daughter on

their own for overnight visits, and I'm determined to at least put boundaries on

those.  Right now, I'm so angry at my nada for involving my daughter in this, I

would be happy to never speak or see her again, but I hate to do that to my

daughter, and ya know, she is my mother, soooo.....I keep trying.  Regardless, I

feel a great deal of hatred towards her, and I need to look past that, I think.

 That's my struggle right now....sigh.....always a struggle with a

nada....Thanks for letting me

rant more!

Tina B.

 

God Bless America!!

[Guest guest]

Tina,

Why on earth would you hate standing up for yourself and being a shining example

to your daughter that you will not let anyone, not even your mother, bad mouth

you and push you around? My nada would go to great lengths to create a disney

land for my son, but that doesn't mean I will let him go there. She has done her

level best to create a space for us when we visit that is desirable but we still

ended up staying with my brother instead. My son would've had his own room and

TV and internet at nada's but she was so frikin horrible the last time we saw

her that I decided that it would be a cold day in hell before I stayed there for

anything other than an impromptu overnight. My son knows that his granada's

behavior wasn't normal and I have explained things to him on a level appropriate

to his age. He wasn't that put out by not having all those things that he

would've had at nadas house and he didn't resent me for it because he

understands how stressed out his mom gets at having to deal with nada. By

telling my son that we wouldn't be staying with nada, but we would be seeing

her, I am telling him that we love nada, but we aren't taking any crap from her,

not even if we aren't as comfortable and things aren't as easy. I don't think

you are doing any favors for your daughter by letting this continue. IMO.

C

>

> Thanks for the sound advice and the words of encouragement.  Yes, my daughter

does go there without me at times, but my father is there when she is.  He

unfortunately doesn't want to admit Mom's problems, because for him, it's easier

to enable her.  I like the term Nada, that really describes her well, and

looking back I remember thinking something was odd about her behavior, but never

understanding what it was.  Either way, they insist on having my daughter on

their own for overnight visits, and I'm determined to at least put boundaries on

those.  Right now, I'm so angry at my nada for involving my daughter in this, I

would be happy to never speak or see her again, but I hate to do that to my

daughter, and ya know, she is my mother, soooo.....I keep trying.  Regardless, I

feel a great deal of hatred towards her, and I need to look past that, I think.

 That's my struggle right now....sigh.....always a struggle with a

nada....Thanks for letting me

> rant more!

>

>

> Tina B.

>  

> God Bless America!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

C,

Thanks for the reply, I'm glad to know Disney at grandnada's isn't just in my

neighborhood. The problem I have is that they did do a lot for her when she was

born and I went thru a divorce, they helped me out while I went to college, and

took care of her while I worked. They also live less than an hour away and they

think nothing of stopping by and picking her up when she's home alone. I guess

I've been naive and a doormat to allow this to continue for so long, my daughter

is 13 now, and I realize, with help from my therapist that she is old enough to

understand what's wrong with my nada. It seems to me it takes a lot of courage

to stand up to her, because I've been so used of just rolling over and taking it

for so long, I need to find the inner strength that you have found. I wish it

were that easy, but I'm working on it. I love my daughter more than anything in

the world, and I know it is my job to protect her, but right now I just feel so

darn beaten down :-(. It's why I am here, to help myself to communicate and

stand up to her......It's an ongoing process.

Tina

> >

> > Thanks for the sound advice and the words of encouragement.  Yes, my

daughter does go there without me at times, but my father is there when she is.

 He unfortunately doesn't want to admit Mom's problems, because for him, it's

easier to enable her.  I like the term Nada, that really describes her well, and

looking back I remember thinking something was odd about her behavior, but never

understanding what it was.  Either way, they insist on having my daughter on

their own for overnight visits, and I'm determined to at least put boundaries on

those.  Right now, I'm so angry at my nada for involving my daughter in this, I

would be happy to never speak or see her again, but I hate to do that to my

daughter, and ya know, she is my mother, soooo.....I keep trying.  Regardless, I

feel a great deal of hatred towards her, and I need to look past that, I think.

 That's my struggle right now....sigh.....always a struggle with a

nada....Thanks for letting me

> > rant more!

> >

> >

> > Tina B.

> >  

> > God Bless America!!

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Tina,

Giving someone help doesn't entitle anyone to be abusive.

Bad-mouthing a child's parents to her is emotionally abusive.

Parental alienation is a serious problem. I've recently seen

multiple stories about it in the media. The media stories have

been about parents doing it to their children after a divorce

but a grandnada doing it is not necessarily any less serious.

You probably have been somewhat naive and maybe you've been a

doormat too. You can change that though. Now that you're

learning more about BPD you can learn better ways of standing up

to your nada and protecting your daughter. Now that your

daughter is older she can also start learning the same things.

Finding inner strength is something that comes one step at a

time. You've found the first steps already by going to a

therapist and by speaking up here. In my experience, once you

start standing up for yourself it gets easier to stand up for

yourself more and more.

At 10:10 AM 06/21/2012 tina b wrote:

>C,

>

>Thanks for the reply, I'm glad to know Disney at grandnada's

>isn't just in my neighborhood. The problem I have is that they

>did do a lot for her when she was born and I went thru a

>divorce, they helped me out while I went to college, and took

>care of her while I worked. They also live less than an hour

>away and they think nothing of stopping by and picking her up

>when she's home alone. I guess I've been naive and a doormat

>to allow this to continue for so long, my daughter is 13 now,

>and I realize, with help from my therapist that she is old

>enough to understand what's wrong with my nada. It seems to me

>it takes a lot of courage to stand up to her, because I've been

>so used of just rolling over and taking it for so long, I need

>to find the inner strength that you have found. I wish it were

>that easy, but I'm working on it. I love my daughter more than

>anything in the world, and I know it is my job to protect her,

>but right now I just feel so darn beaten down :-(. It's why I

>am here, to help myself to communicate and stand up to

>her......It's an ongoing process.

>

>Tina

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Tina, You are beating yourself up about being beaten up. Maybe try focusing on

what is normal. It is normal for grandparents to be considerate of their grown

childs needs and schedule and be respectful of that. Even when they flub and

forget to check in, a normal grandparent will realize that their grandchilds

home life comes first and will not fly into a rage or lay on excessive guilt

when those needs are expressed. A normal grandparent will want to spoil their

grandchildren, but will not badmouth their grandchilds parents. I have a friend

that had to take custody of her grandsons because of the daughter and SIL's drug

addiction and even she manages to refrain from badmouthing them. I am betting

you are a darn sight better parent than that! It is normal for parents to help

their adult children without enabling them and to do so without strings attached

and using past help as a means to declare entitlements.

When people are mostly balanced, then they are considerate of each other and all

this stuff is mostly done without thinking. So what if you accepted help from

your parents in a time of need. Did you abuse that? Did you engage in wasteful

behavior and use them for everything you could get out of them? My BFF asked my

nada to make my car payment for a few months after my husband passed away

suddenly. I didn't know anything about it until it was a done deal. It helped,

but she tried to use it as an entitlement to get me to intervene on her behalf

with my brother that is NC (no contact) I refused, because that is a long

standing boundary I have. I will NOT pass messages back and forth between them

and I will not attempt to " fix " their relationship. I get all the usual FOG of

how much she loved us and how good she was to us and how no matter how much she

disliked HER fada that SHE NEVER cut off contact with him ( putting herself in

the victim and the martyr role at the same time) then she tops it all off with

" how will you feel when your son does this to YOU?!?!?! " She sincerely hopes

that he does just so I will " understand her pain " UGH! (I am sure every KO here

that has children that have established any kind of boudary has heard this one)

Sorry for the rant, but you are not asking for one thing that is not a normal

expectation that most take for granted. We wouldn't need all these boundaries if

they were normal though.

C

> > >

> > > Thanks for the sound advice and the words of encouragement.  Yes, my

daughter does go there without me at times, but my father is there when she is.

 He unfortunately doesn't want to admit Mom's problems, because for him, it's

easier to enable her.  I like the term Nada, that really describes her well, and

looking back I remember thinking something was odd about her behavior, but never

understanding what it was.  Either way, they insist on having my daughter on

their own for overnight visits, and I'm determined to at least put boundaries on

those.  Right now, I'm so angry at my nada for involving my daughter in this, I

would be happy to never speak or see her again, but I hate to do that to my

daughter, and ya know, she is my mother, soooo.....I keep trying.  Regardless, I

feel a great deal of hatred towards her, and I need to look past that, I think.

 That's my struggle right now....sigh.....always a struggle with a

nada....Thanks for letting me

> > > rant more!

> > >

> > >

> > > Tina B.

> > >  

> > > God Bless America!!

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi Tina and everyone,

I found out about this group a week or so ago, and my mind is spinning from all

this. I had no idea that other people were going through issues so similar to

mine. Basic introduction: Hi, I'm Emi, a 23 year old girl with a mom who I

strongly believe has BPD. I have an awesome, exciting, high pressure job in NYC

working in TV news. I just moved out of my mom's house, and I'm struggling to

make the transition REAL - although I've physically " moved out, " it's still like

she's sitting on my shoulder, constatly calling, texting, demanding I come see

her. And if I don't compy, she harasses me at work. She'll even call my

coworkers and have them come find me and ask me to talk to her. I feel trapped,

as many of you do as well. I'm afraid she'll ruin my career, and my chance at

independence. I'm worried she'll keep me from the rest of my family, whom she

completely controls. I'm worried she may physically hurt me. Although the chance

of that is remote, she has been violent to me in my teens. Nothing too awful,

but enought to scare the crap out of me every time I think about putting up

boundaries.

To give you just a snippet of how deeply your posts resonate with me:

I call my friends " forbiddens " because my mom has so forcefully pushed everyone

out of my life. I see you've used the same word, forbidden. Growing up she

bashed everyone I knew, and I was constantly defending my right to have

relationships with friends and other family members. Every time I got together

with someone, or even spoke with someone on the phone, everything was analyzed,

judged, interfered with. I am always on trial for something. If I'm busy and

can't talk to her, even if I'm at work, she will send me message after message

to try to make me feel like a horrible person. Yet I have such a hard time

figuring out how to put up boundaries. When? How? How will she react? Will it

make things worse?

Do I sound like a crazy person, or does this make sense to you guys/ladies? I

literally didn't know what BPD was a month ago. I've got all the books I can

find on the topic on order, going to be delivered to me asap. With my high

pressure job, it's so hard to focus on making my personal life better. In a way,

it works - I can focus on something that's a challenge and stressful, but

manageable - work. I completely immerse myself in my work, and it's a great

distraction. Plus it earns me money I plan to use to help me gain even more

independence from my mom.

At this point, I have two cell phones - one which is basically a walkie talkie

between me and my mom, and another in which I secretly talk to everyone else I

know, while I pretend to my mom that I'm sitting in my apartment doing nothing.

Has anyone else experienced a " split " in their lives like this? One life that

they put on around their BPD mom, the one that makes mom feel comfortable and

stable, and then secret relationshios that some people with BPD find so

threatening? Even if I mention the name of a new coworker at work, she'll start

going through scenarios in her mind, accusing me of planning to abandon her

because of the influence of others. It's all so confusing.

So I'm definitely going to become addicted to chatting with you folks on this

group =) Only not on the weekends, because that's... well... that's the time I

spend with my mom. She goes too crazy otherwise, and I won't be able to work.

This whole thing is so embarassing. Does anyone else feel great shame when they

admit that they've let their lives go on like this?

I'm actually about to go on a vacation with my mom to California, starting

tomorrow and until Wednesday next week. So I'll check back on this group then.

At that point there will be a pile of books about BPD waiting for me!! (Awesome)

Wishing you strength and peace,

Emi

[Guest guest]

Hello Emi,

You're at the point of making a lot of decisions in your life. I

think your fears about what she might do are legitimate. Sadly,

nothing you can do will undo the fact that she has BPD so you're

going to have to make some choices about things which have no

totally good option. It sounds like your nada has way too much

control over your life right now even though you have moved out

of her house. You're going to have to decide whether you want a

life of your own. Assuming that you do, you'll have to deal

with the results of enforcing boundaries. If other family

members are her flying monkees, you may end up having to limit

contact with them as well. You may have to seek a restraining

order if she's violent or otherwise engages in illegal behavior.

Boundaries are for you, not for her. They're decisions about

what you are and are not willing to put up with and what you're

going to do if she does things you aren't going to put up with.

You have to have some or you're never going to have a life of

your own. Without them, she's always going to be controlling you

and ruining pretty much everything you try to do without her. It

sounds to me like she's going to cause trouble for you at your

job so I think that's one of the first places I'd start with

boundaries. Tell her you can't take her calls when you're

working and that she isn't to call you there unless there is an

emergency. Taking her demanding calls can't be nice for your

co-workers either. At best it interupts their work and at worst

it might be subjecting them to her nastyness. What kind of

relationship do you have with them? Depending on the situation

it might be possible for them to tell her you can't take

personal calls at work. If she is at the point of harassing

your co-workers the company might be able to block her calls or

call the police to report harassing calls. When she calls your

business phone I'd recommend that you say something short and

simple like " I'm at work. I can't talk to you now. Bye " and hang

up. Don't give her a chance to argue about it. Keep a log of her

calls so that you can show she's harassing you at work if need

be. Not talking to her while you're working will upset her. You

will have to deal with some consequences, particularly at first.

Nadas almost always act up when you don't cooperate with them

and attempt to establish boundaries. It is necessary to do so

though. If she threatens violence or other illegal activity,

keep a log of that too. If she leaves threatening messages, keep

copies of them.

Another good boundary to have is a limit on how many times a day

or a week you'll talk to her. You may want to set a schedule of

when you'll talk to her or you may want to just tell her you'll

talk X number of times and after that you won't be answering her

calls at all. Having to have a second phone just to talk to her

all the time is crazy. If no one else calls you on that phone

and she doesn't know your other number you may be able to just

leave that phone off at times other than the times you decide

are appropriate for her to call.

How does she know about your friends? Who you are friends with

and what you do together is none of her business. I'd recommend

that you don't tell her anything about your friends. If she

doesn't know about them she can't try to push them out of your

life or analyze, judge or otherwise interfere. If she demands to

know what you're doing every minute of your day, you are allowed

to say " no " to her and not tell her. " I was relaxing " or " I was

with friends " are perfectly acceptable answers if you want to

tell her something. If she persists in probing for more

information you can say " Let's not talk about that, how

about.... " and change the subject to something safer and less

personal. I don't talk to my nada about anything personal. When

I see her we talk about what's been in the news lately and

impersonal stuff like that.

Remember, it is not your job to make her feel comfortable or

stable. You are NOT responsible for her feelings. She is

responsible for her feelings. If she chooses to have an

unhealthy obsession with your life, that's not your fault and

you aren't responsible if it makes her unhappy or angry.

At 11:40 PM 06/21/2012 whiskcolor wrote:

>Hi Tina and everyone,

>I found out about this group a week or so ago, and my mind is

>spinning from all this. I had no idea that other people were

>going through issues so similar to mine. Basic introduction:

>Hi, I'm Emi, a 23 year old girl with a mom who I strongly

>believe has BPD. I have an awesome, exciting, high pressure job

>in NYC working in TV news. I just moved out of my mom's house,

>and I'm struggling to make the transition REAL - although I've

>physically " moved out, " it's still like she's sitting on my

>shoulder, constatly calling, texting, demanding I come see her.

>And if I don't compy, she harasses me at work. She'll even call

>my coworkers and have them come find me and ask me to talk to

>her. I feel trapped, as many of you do as well. I'm afraid

>she'll ruin my career, and my chance at independence. I'm

>worried she'll keep me from the rest of my family, whom she

>completely controls. I'm worried she may physically hurt me.

>Although the chance of that is remote, she has been violent to

>me in my teens. Nothing too awful, but enought to scare the

>crap out of me every time I think about putting up boundaries.

>

>To give you just a snippet of how deeply your posts resonate

>with me:

>I call my friends " forbiddens " because my mom has so forcefully

>pushed everyone out of my life. I see you've used the same

>word, forbidden. Growing up she bashed everyone I knew, and I

>was constantly defending my right to have relationships with

>friends and other family members. Every time I got together

>with someone, or even spoke with someone on the phone,

>everything was analyzed, judged, interfered with. I am always

>on trial for something. If I'm busy and can't talk to her, even

>if I'm at work, she will send me message after message to try

>to make me feel like a horrible person. Yet I have such a hard

>time figuring out how to put up boundaries. When? How? How will

>she react? Will it make things worse?

>

>Do I sound like a crazy person, or does this make sense to you

>guys/ladies? I literally didn't know what BPD was a month ago.

>I've got all the books I can find on the topic on order, going

>to be delivered to me asap. With my high pressure job, it's so

>hard to focus on making my personal life better. In a way, it

>works - I can focus on something that's a challenge and

>stressful, but manageable - work. I completely immerse myself

>in my work, and it's a great distraction. Plus it earns me

>money I plan to use to help me gain even more independence from

>my mom.

>

>At this point, I have two cell phones - one which is basically

>a walkie talkie between me and my mom, and another in which I

>secretly talk to everyone else I know, while I pretend to my

>mom that I'm sitting in my apartment doing nothing.

>

>Has anyone else experienced a " split " in their lives like this?

>One life that they put on around their BPD mom, the one that

>makes mom feel comfortable and stable, and then secret

>relationshios that some people with BPD find so threatening?

>Even if I mention the name of a new coworker at work, she'll

>start going through scenarios in her mind, accusing me of

>planning to abandon her because of the influence of others.

>It's all so confusing.

>

>So I'm definitely going to become addicted to chatting with you

>folks on this group =) Only not on the weekends, because

>that's... well... that's the time I spend with my mom. She goes

>too crazy otherwise, and I won't be able to work. This whole

>thing is so embarassing. Does anyone else feel great shame when

>they admit that they've let their lives go on like this?

>

>I'm actually about to go on a vacation with my mom to

>California, starting tomorrow and until Wednesday next week. So

>I'll check back on this group then. At that point there will be

>a pile of books about BPD waiting for me!! (Awesome)

>

>Wishing you strength and peace,

>Emi

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Emi,

I am new to the group as well. When I first recognized what was wrong with my

mother-in-law, I sank to the floor of the bookstore and cried. The book was

Stop Walking On Eggshells. I read the criteria for BPD and saw my mother-in-law

in 7 of 9 criteria. Only 5 are required. Reading the book answered so many

questions of 23 or 24 years. It also gave me the power to pull away.

Confrontation does not work. What you have to do is set boundaries, give your

BPD the clear boundaries, and move on. In your case, I doubt your BPD will

respond positively; she will most likely target another person for her Great

Need (as I call it). You, to the others, will be the " bad guy. " If need be,

visit a therapist and get the support you need before hand. It is worth it!

At this point, we have very little contact with my husband's mother. She called

before Mother's Day (a holiday I HATE) to tearfully tell us not to give her a

present or visit her that day but to love her and call and visit her often so

that she knows we love her. We rarely visit her, maybe twice a year, and she

just lives 6 miles down the road. We have turned off the switch, so her

emotional blackmail goes nowhere. We protect ourselves from her Great Need. My

husband calls her occasionally. I rarely do. I do not have the time or

patience for an hour's conversation about her illnesses or mundane daily

routine. I have a wall up, and I am finally free!

The book will also help you to forgive by letting you understand the deep pain

of the BPD as well as their lack of maliciousness with regards to their

behavior. Manipulation, guilt and control are their coping mechanisms.

Good luck Emi. Nice to meet you!

>

> Hi Tina and everyone,

> I found out about this group a week or so ago, and my mind is spinning from

all this. I had no idea that other people were going through issues so similar

to mine. Basic introduction: Hi, I'm Emi, a 23 year old girl with a mom who I

strongly believe has BPD. I have an awesome, exciting, high pressure job in NYC

working in TV news. I just moved out of my mom's house, and I'm struggling to

make the transition REAL - although I've physically " moved out, " it's still like

she's sitting on my shoulder, constatly calling, texting, demanding I come see

her. And if I don't compy, she harasses me at work. She'll even call my

coworkers and have them come find me and ask me to talk to her. I feel trapped,

as many of you do as well. I'm afraid she'll ruin my career, and my chance at

independence. I'm worried she'll keep me from the rest of my family, whom she

completely controls. I'm worried she may physically hurt me. Although the chance

of that is remote, she has been violent to me in my teens. Nothing too awful,

but enought to scare the crap out of me every time I think about putting up

boundaries.

>

> To give you just a snippet of how deeply your posts resonate with me:

> I call my friends " forbiddens " because my mom has so forcefully pushed

everyone out of my life. I see you've used the same word, forbidden. Growing up

she bashed everyone I knew, and I was constantly defending my right to have

relationships with friends and other family members. Every time I got together

with someone, or even spoke with someone on the phone, everything was analyzed,

judged, interfered with. I am always on trial for something. If I'm busy and

can't talk to her, even if I'm at work, she will send me message after message

to try to make me feel like a horrible person. Yet I have such a hard time

figuring out how to put up boundaries. When? How? How will she react? Will it

make things worse?

>

> Do I sound like a crazy person, or does this make sense to you guys/ladies? I

literally didn't know what BPD was a month ago. I've got all the books I can

find on the topic on order, going to be delivered to me asap. With my high

pressure job, it's so hard to focus on making my personal life better. In a way,

it works - I can focus on something that's a challenge and stressful, but

manageable - work. I completely immerse myself in my work, and it's a great

distraction. Plus it earns me money I plan to use to help me gain even more

independence from my mom.

>

> At this point, I have two cell phones - one which is basically a walkie talkie

between me and my mom, and another in which I secretly talk to everyone else I

know, while I pretend to my mom that I'm sitting in my apartment doing nothing.

>

> Has anyone else experienced a " split " in their lives like this? One life that

they put on around their BPD mom, the one that makes mom feel comfortable and

stable, and then secret relationshios that some people with BPD find so

threatening? Even if I mention the name of a new coworker at work, she'll start

going through scenarios in her mind, accusing me of planning to abandon her

because of the influence of others. It's all so confusing.

>

> So I'm definitely going to become addicted to chatting with you folks on this

group =) Only not on the weekends, because that's... well... that's the time I

spend with my mom. She goes too crazy otherwise, and I won't be able to work.

This whole thing is so embarassing. Does anyone else feel great shame when they

admit that they've let their lives go on like this?

>

> I'm actually about to go on a vacation with my mom to California, starting

tomorrow and until Wednesday next week. So I'll check back on this group then.

At that point there will be a pile of books about BPD waiting for me!! (Awesome)

>

> Wishing you strength and peace,

> Emi

>

[Guest guest]

Membo,

I know their are some types of BPD's that aren't really malicious, but trust me

some are hidiously mean and vindictive. I don't know what kind of BPD the person

that started that particular myth was dealing with, but it wasn't my nada. Many

KO's here can recite many examples of times that their nada/fada commited

horrible acts of vengence and many of them will even ADMIT exactly why they are

doing what they did! I never realized what depth of a well of venomous anger and

boiling resentment was in my nada until about six years ago. I know there are

many here that could give examples that would make your hair curl.

C

[Guest guest]

I have just found this group today, and reading this post has almost brought me

to tears at work, as it is amazing to see people going through similiar

situations to me. My nada has been diagnosed as bi-polar, but it is clearly not

the correct diagnosis. I know why she has not been diagnosed as BPD- because she

is so nice & sweet to all her doctors, chemists, etc. I witnessed this

first-hand recently when I stayed with her to help her out after heart bypass

surgery. I was astounded at how nice she is to all of them, and wonder why she

can't be that nice to her family! In fact, when the chemist said to me 'your mum

is so nice', I didn't actually know what to respond. My thought was 'yeah that's

because you're not in her family!'.

My mother has always been very bossy, and it is only recently that I found out

my best friend in primary & high school was scared of her, which made me so sad.

She has always been supportive and proud of me, but in the past 15 years since I

finished high school, her BPD has come through. She is bossy, mean, nasty, &

controlling. Even in this post alone I see so many traits the same as what mine

does! For example, she badmouths my uncle (her sister's husband) to my 18 yr old

cousin (i.e. badmouths my cousin's dad). She is incredibly judgemental of

people. She bosses around my cousins, treats them like dogs, ordering them to

'come here!', no matter their age (be it 18 or 4 or anywhere in between). She

also calls me during work hours (not that I answer), or seems to be unaware of

or disrespectful of the fact that I have to work 5 days a week to pay my bills

(she has not worked for quite some time, as she can't hold down a job). She also

lies, to the point of aggressively arguing with you about something that simply

isn't true, and gets angry when you call her on an untruth. She also always has

to have big conversations about 'our relationship', which usually consist of her

telling me how awful I am.

She has a dog that she loves, which is great, but she treats it better than us,

and won't respect other people's boundaries that they impose with regards to the

dog in their houses (e.g. at my aunt's house she gave the dog her plate during

dinner to eat off!), and snarls at you if you say a bad word about her dog. I

love dogs; I have one, but I will always respect other people's boundaries if my

dog is at their house. In addition, she always talks baby talk with the dog,

repeating every sentence she says to him at least twice. Sometimes this baby

talk spills over into speaking to people, because it is becoming so ingrained in

her speech (e.g. last week she told me that they (being her & the dog) had their

'tups of tea').

Last week when I went to help her after her surgery, I felt so sick in my

stomach on the day I was due to fly down at the thought of spending 5 days with

her. After 4 tense days there, I changed my flight & left a day early (she lives

a good 12 hrs drive from me, thank goodness!), after she threw a tantrum. She

constantly gets annoyed or impatient if you don't answer a question the way she

wants it to be answered. After putting up with being sighed or yelled at, when I

finally called her on it, she told me to 'get out of her face' (a common line

from her, said in a growl with such anger, venom & aggression it's scary), and

smashed her own laptop on the heater so it broke. On a previous stay, in another

tantrum, she locked my partner & I out of the house with our belongings still

inside.

She is always full of self-pity ('I'm sorry I'm such an embarrasment to you')

and loves to do guilt trips (and has all my life) ('I've always done everything

for you, and give you everything', etc) on me and my aunt (her sister). I call

it 'victim syndrome', as she is the one who is always the victims, always does

everything right, & everyone else is so evil to her. She tries to buy people,

always buying gifts for everyone in the family, in order to show how generous

she is. At the same time she complains bitterly & angrily how she doesn't have

any money. Back in April, she called me & said that she wasn't going to have the

bypass surgery because she wanted to die because of me. She also told my aunt

this, and emailed my aunt about how horrible I am. My aunt, who is normally more

patient than I am, was furious.

I also have issues with my dad, although nothing to do with BPD (rather, a

controlling, selfish step-mother), so I have a very difficult relationship with

both my parents. My partner's parents live in the UK, and I see them more often

than my own parents, and they are just so wonderful. In a way it hurts me how

lovely they are, and how much I enjoy being with them; hurts me that I can't

have that with my own parents. They write to me at least once a week, and care

so much. Last year over in the UK I watched the Royal Wedding with my

mother-in-law, and it was a wonderful moment I could never share with my own

mother, really girly & lovely. The stark contrast with my own nada is painful

sometimes. I am lucky that I have my aunt, who is only 8 yrs older than me, so

closer in age to me than to my mum. My

partner is also wonderful and supportive (he has seen her conduct first hand).

I'm sorry if I have written a long, rambling post, but reading this forum today

has almost made me cry, yet also brought me relief to know that there are other

people out there going through this stress. I am exhausted physically & mentally

after spending 4 days with her, and really just wanted to curl up under the

covers in bed. Some of my friends & colleagues know a bit about how bad she is,

but I never really talk about it all with anyone other than my partner & aunt. I

am looking forward to reading the books to get some advice. I know that I need

to seek professional help in dealing with my nada, as I simply do not know how

to deal with her and keep my own sanity. I really hope that those of you who are

also new to this forum will also find some help in dealing with your nadas.

[Guest guest]

Emi and all,

I am so blessed to have you, it is such a relief to know that I'm not the only

person who deals with this stuff.  I have a therapist who helps too, and my

daughter sees her as well, but still, its not the same as knowing you are not

alone.  Next time I am near a bookstore I'll pick up Stop Walking On Eggshells,

I so want the other one Understanding the BP mother, too. My nada is in her oh

woe is me phase as I like to call it,  she's " too busy " to see us, but makes

herself look so pitiful so that we work around her schedule. Until I realized

that boundaries are for me, not for her, and that I don't even need to let her

know what my boundaries are, I was deathly afraid of making them.  Now, it just

makes life easier. (it's not a piece of cake but still easier)  Anyways, I just

wanted to say thanks for letting me vent every once in awhile, and having this

group is a Godsend!!  

Tina

 

God Bless America!!

[Guest guest]

I just came back to my apartment greeted by a pile of books!! I'm so excited.

I've got Stop Walking on Eggshells, Surviving a Borderline Parent, and

Understanding the Borderline Mother. I kind of want to read all of this all in

one moment – I think I'll try that! ……

Aw, darn, it didn't work.

Oh well, plenty of time to crack into them!

[[feels hopeful]]

Thanks for your advice, Katrina. A lot of the things you suggest are things that

I've of course thought of to do, but have been too afraid/emotionally exhausted

to do. I hated how having her show up places and embarrass me made me feel like

such a weirdo growing up. Really anything that makes her uncomfortable makes ME

uncomfortable because then I feel that awful feeling of dread. I know there are

folks called the police, and they do a good job when needed. The words " none of

your business " is probably the worst thing you can say to her, and results in

the most hell to pay (of course). I need practice at it. I've grown up with

" responsible for Mom's feelings " practically written in my job title, as far as

my family goes. I fear this process may make alienate them from me, but I need

to live my life without all of this weighing me down. My friends are a much more

supportive " family " than Nada and the flying monkeys. (how does she know about

my friends? Mostly internet stalking. Some actual stalking. It's hard to have a

" private " life growing up with everyone's lives plastered all over the web).

Whenever Nada was upset, always at some inadequacy of mine, the response from my

family was always to try to calm down Nada, tend to her tantrum, so as not to

have her rage targeted at them. It was always " why can't you get along with her

better? " when she was clearly abusive to me. I always felt like the way she

treated me, even if it was violent, was never enough for my family to really

stand up for me. REALLY stand up for me. Of course they'd tell her " no, you

can't do that, never do that to Emi again, " but they never set boundaries for

her (this is when I was a child). As a child, I was unable to set boundaries for

Nada, obviously. Now that I'm older, I can. I need to figure out the best way to

go about doing it. One thing I'm dreading most is talking to my coworkers about

it. Warning them, you know? I've given them such a strong impression of me being

normal, stable life, dependable, not carrying around a time bomb on my shoulder

that I'm not sure how to take off without something exploding.

It's hard. Many of you know this, of course. Does anyone feel in a similar boat

as me? Or stage, rather? I feel like most of you have already put up some pretty

firm boundaries. Some of you even put up so much distance that you barely speak

to them.

Nice to meet you too, memboscoby! I am hopeful that reading the book will give

me a similar feeling – answers to questions and the power to pull away. I want

to put up a wall too, but I have to figure out what I'm going to make it out of!

And when I will feel ready to put it up. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist (he isn't

very good. I need a new one). I'm a preparation junkie, gotta plan plan plan or

else I feel like the ground I'm walking on (our building a wall on) isn't firm

enough. That's how Nada raised me, to plan out everything I do or else except a

war to erupt when I misstep, say something the wrong way, fail to read her mind,

etc. This is clearly a chess game that cannot be won, and the way to win – get

up and walk away from the game, because it's eating up too much of my life.

" Great Need, " … I love that. Sometimes instead of " Great Need " it feels like

" GREAT NEED. " Or even worse, " GREAT NEED!!!!!!!! "

Silvermel… I feel like I could have written the majority of your posts myself.

Mostly the stuff about badmouthing everyone and everything. The negativity is so

hard to grow up in! My Nada has a strong case of " victim syndrome " as well.

Everything that's wrong with her life is out of her control, in her mind…

society is bad, her life growing up was bad, I'm awful, our relatives are awful…

anything to take the responsibility off of her. She talks to everyone like

they're dogs too, ordering everyone to go from room to room, orchestrating

family events, etc.

Many of my friends are pretty scared of Nada. I had a friend whose mom didn't

want her to come over my house because she knew that Nada liked to go onto the

computer and send messages to people pretending to be me… Start fights with

people, etc. It's really awful to learn that, and put you in a bad position. You

want you friends to come over your house, but you don't want to put them

somewhere they're scared. And then… Nada will be fearful of them if she can't

meet them. Yack.

Small story – One day while I was in college one of my friends was boasting

about how he's not afraid of Nada. I lived in a dorm room which was around 45

minutes from Nada's house. I had been fighting with her about something silly

and we barricaded ourselves in my dorm room and I turned off my phone. My friend

was just boasting about how he'd stand up to my Nada if he got the chance, when

a knock came at the door. His face turned bright white, he turned to dive under

my roommate's bed and said " should I hide??? " I whispered, " wait, let's see who

it is… " I peeked through the peep-hole, and alas my friend did not get the

chance to be the " big hero " because it was not Nada, but the RA who wanted to

ask me a question.

Tina, blessed to have you all as well! I feel the same - a therapist is not the

same as people who KNOW. Unless your therapist… KNOWS… which I guess happens?

Anyway, I'm going to get cracking on these books!

Love!!!

Emi