Feel like I'm being Stalked

[Guest guest]

Hi, I've never posted here before although I often read other posts as it is

very comforting to know that you are 'not the only one'. I am the only child of

an undiagnosed BPD who seems obsessed with my children. In the past I allowed

my parents limited access to my children (under my supervision) even though

being in the same room with my nada makes me feel extremely anxious. Even when

they were allowed access to my children they were constantly phoning my friends

and relatives and trying to turn them against me. One day they turned up at my

house and my father started shouting at me. (They were angry that they aren't

allowed to see my children whenever they want to). I threw them out my house

and since have gone completely NC. I installed a call filter on my cell to keep

out all the harassing SMS's and calls, but since I have done that they have

upped their calls to other people who are in turn putting pressure on me to

'sort things out' with my parents. As if that wasn't bad enough they turned up

at my office this morning. Fortunately I was not in as I was taking my son to

the doctor. But I know they're not going to stop. I'm afraid of what will be

next. Are they going to wait for me outside my house and cause a scene in front

of my children or try and sneak into their school ? I hate it, I act completely

irrationally when they show up unexpectedly and it must look completely nuts to

my colleagues who obviously don't understand why I don't welcome my parents.

Talking to them doesn't help. My mother says " They are MY grandchildren and I

will NEVER give up trying to see them " . There is no way I want to allow them

back into my life, they can't be trusted and I only ever end up getting hurt.

How can I get them to back off?

[Guest guest]

Have you looked into a restraining order yet?

Sveta

[Guest guest]

You probably can't get them to back off on your own. They

believe they are entitled to have what they want and will do

what it takes to get it. It sounds to me like you're going to

need to look into getting a restraining order. The laws

governing them vary from place to place so you need to find out

what is required where you live. Start keeping a log of every

attempted contact and attempt at harassing you. If they leave

nasty messages for you or send nasty letters, keep them. If they

show up in person and do things you might want to take pictures

or video of that. You'll want to have as much evidence as

possible about what's going on.

If you haven't done so already, make sure your childrens'

schools know that your parents are not allowed to have access to

your children. You may need to alert some co-workers or your

boss that your parents are mentally ill and should be turned

away if they call or try to visit you at work.

If other people insist on acting as their flying monkees you may

need to limit contact with those other people too. if the other

people don't understand the situation and are unwittingly taking

your parents' side you may be able to get them to stop

pressuring you by explaining a bit about what is going on but if

they know what's going on and are participating in it then they

may not be safe for you to associate with on a regular basis.

Putting people in the middle will not help, so be careful not to

put people in that position if you want to continue having a

relationship with them.

At 06:59 AM 06/19/2012 nadeplat wrote:

>Hi, I've never posted here before although I often read other

>posts as it is very comforting to know that you are 'not the

>only one'. I am the only child of an undiagnosed BPD who seems

>obsessed with my children. In the past I allowed my parents

>limited access to my children (under my supervision) even

>though being in the same room with my nada makes me feel

>extremely anxious. Even when they were allowed access to my

>children they were constantly phoning my friends and relatives

>and trying to turn them against me. One day they turned up at

>my house and my father started shouting at me. (They were

>angry that they aren't allowed to see my children whenever they

>want to). I threw them out my house and since have gone

>completely NC. I installed a call filter on my cell to keep

>out all the harassing SMS's and calls, but since I have done

>that they have upped their calls to other people who are in

>turn putting pressure on me to 'sort things out' with my

>parents. As if that wasn't bad enough they turned up at my

>office this morning. Fortunately I was not in as I was taking

>my son to the doctor. But I know they're not going to

>stop. I'm afraid of what will be next. Are they going to wait

>for me outside my house and cause a scene in front of my

>children or try and sneak into their school ? I hate it, I act

>completely irrationally when they show up unexpectedly and it

>must look completely nuts to my colleagues who obviously don't

>understand why I don't welcome my parents. Talking to them

>doesn't help. My mother says " They are MY grandchildren and I

>will NEVER give up trying to see them " . There is no way I want

>to allow them back into my life, they can't be trusted and I

>only ever end up getting hurt. How can I get them to back off?

>

>

>

>------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

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>

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>

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree; I think you feel like you are being stalked because you ARE being

stalked and harassed. My suggestion is that you consult with a lawyer in your

area about your options in this matter. The rules about obtaining a RO vary

from state to state. Some states have enacted anti-stalking laws that make it

easier to obtain a restraining order, while other states have more strict rules

such as acts of violence, threats of violence, vandalism or trespassing must

have occurred in order to get a RO.

Meanwhile, check out the various websites offering information to the victims of

stalking, they pack a great deal of useful information.

Best of luck to you with this, its amazing how entitled those with borderline

and narcissistic pd can behave, and your parents obviously consider your

children to be their property that they are entitled to have access to, no

matter what your wishes are. If your parents are extremely controlling and have

a strong sense of entitlement, you may indeed have to get a restraining order to

protect yourself and your kids.

-Annie

>

> You probably can't get them to back off on your own. They

> believe they are entitled to have what they want and will do

> what it takes to get it. It sounds to me like you're going to

> need to look into getting a restraining order. The laws

> governing them vary from place to place so you need to find out

> what is required where you live. Start keeping a log of every

> attempted contact and attempt at harassing you. If they leave

> nasty messages for you or send nasty letters, keep them. If they

> show up in person and do things you might want to take pictures

> or video of that. You'll want to have as much evidence as

> possible about what's going on.

>

> If you haven't done so already, make sure your childrens'

> schools know that your parents are not allowed to have access to

> your children. You may need to alert some co-workers or your

> boss that your parents are mentally ill and should be turned

> away if they call or try to visit you at work.

>

> If other people insist on acting as their flying monkees you may

> need to limit contact with those other people too. if the other

> people don't understand the situation and are unwittingly taking

> your parents' side you may be able to get them to stop

> pressuring you by explaining a bit about what is going on but if

> they know what's going on and are participating in it then they

> may not be safe for you to associate with on a regular basis.

> Putting people in the middle will not help, so be careful not to

> put people in that position if you want to continue having a

> relationship with them.

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much everyone. I will have to do research on what the laws are where

I live. I work at a University so I would be able to call campus security since

technically they would be trespassing by entering the grounds of the university

without a valid reason.

>

> Hi, I've never posted here before although I often read other posts as it is

very comforting to know that you are 'not the only one'. I am the only child of

an undiagnosed BPD who seems obsessed with my children. In the past I allowed

my parents limited access to my children (under my supervision) even though

being in the same room with my nada makes me feel extremely anxious. Even when

they were allowed access to my children they were constantly phoning my friends

and relatives and trying to turn them against me. One day they turned up at my

house and my father started shouting at me. (They were angry that they aren't

allowed to see my children whenever they want to). I threw them out my house

and since have gone completely NC. I installed a call filter on my cell to keep

out all the harassing SMS's and calls, but since I have done that they have

upped their calls to other people who are in turn putting pressure on me to

'sort things out' with my parents. As if that wasn't bad enough they turned up

at my office this morning. Fortunately I was not in as I was taking my son to

the doctor. But I know they're not going to stop. I'm afraid of what will be

next. Are they going to wait for me outside my house and cause a scene in front

of my children or try and sneak into their school ? I hate it, I act completely

irrationally when they show up unexpectedly and it must look completely nuts to

my colleagues who obviously don't understand why I don't welcome my parents.

Talking to them doesn't help. My mother says " They are MY grandchildren and I

will NEVER give up trying to see them " . There is no way I want to allow them

back into my life, they can't be trusted and I only ever end up getting hurt.

How can I get them to back off?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, I could have written your post! I'm five years NC with my parents and they

still attempt to contact me and my children, including dropping by my office

unannounced. I haven't yet gotten a restraining order but have been keeping

detailed notes about their attempted " visits " for over a year. I want to second

the other poster's recommendation that you keep a log of their drop-ins, phone

calls, greeting cards, etc. My log was invaluable when my parents decided to

hire a lawyer to try to assert " grandparents rights " . In response, our lawyer

was able to reference my log documenting all of their unwelcome communication.

The funny thing is, their lawyer didn't deny any of it, but tried to defend

their actions because her clients just wanted to say hi. We're essentially

ignoring her until such time as they file a motion with the court.

Bottom line, you can't get them to back off because they're crazy and entitled.

Look into sending a cease and desist letter to clearly document that you don't

want them contacting you or your children. Quit worrying what other people think

because they don't have the full story and quite possibly wouldn't understand

even if they did. Personality-disordered people can be remarkably skilled at

coming off as completely rational people *when they want to* so there will be

some people who will stand firmly in their corner. Accept that as one of life's

cruel realities. Pursue the restraining order once they've violated your cease

and desist. That's pretty much all you can do.

>

> Hi, I've never posted here before although I often read other posts as it is

very comforting to know that you are 'not the only one'. I am the only child of

an undiagnosed BPD who seems obsessed with my children. In the past I allowed

my parents limited access to my children (under my supervision) even though

being in the same room with my nada makes me feel extremely anxious. Even when

they were allowed access to my children they were constantly phoning my friends

and relatives and trying to turn them against me. One day they turned up at my

house and my father started shouting at me. (They were angry that they aren't

allowed to see my children whenever they want to). I threw them out my house

and since have gone completely NC. I installed a call filter on my cell to keep

out all the harassing SMS's and calls, but since I have done that they have

upped their calls to other people who are in turn putting pressure on me to

'sort things out' with my parents. As if that wasn't bad enough they turned up

at my office this morning. Fortunately I was not in as I was taking my son to

the doctor. But I know they're not going to stop. I'm afraid of what will be

next. Are they going to wait for me outside my house and cause a scene in front

of my children or try and sneak into their school ? I hate it, I act completely

irrationally when they show up unexpectedly and it must look completely nuts to

my colleagues who obviously don't understand why I don't welcome my parents.

Talking to them doesn't help. My mother says " They are MY grandchildren and I

will NEVER give up trying to see them " . There is no way I want to allow them

back into my life, they can't be trusted and I only ever end up getting hurt.

How can I get them to back off?

>

[Guest guest]

Sigh...I understand the entitlement all to well, deal with it with my

nada....and how she'll say " she's MY granddaughter " .  I give you tons of credit

to be strong enough to block her out of your life, and wish you the best keeping

her out of your kids lives!!  (sorry no words of wisdom--just an I hear ya

sister!)

Tina

 

God Bless America!!

[Guest guest]

Reading the other responses - this is all really great advice. I'm thinking of

getting a restraining order too. My nada has no aversion to showing up where I

am and causing an awful scene. I'm 23, out of college and working, but back when

I was in college I used to find her peeking into my classroom windows, walking

around my boyfriend's ex's dorm trying to look into HER windows to see if my

boyfriend was cheating on me. She once sprang up out of nowhere and tried to

grab my phone from me. Public safety came to mediate, and she told them I was

high on drugs. Years of events like this went by. The " showing up " issue got so

bad that finally in junior year she was banned from campus. I felt so

empowered... It was like a protective order for people who are afraid to get a

protective order. While I was on the campus grounds I felt safe - she couldn't

come in to get me! Now that I'm out of college I play life really safe and

boring so that she won't feel anxious, start harassing me, showing up again,

etc., because I don't have that safety force field anymore.

It's good to know that at age 23, I still have ample time to turn everything

around, and really HAVE a life that isn't controlled by my nada's crazy mood

swings, controlling and demoralizing harassment, and attempts to make me feel

guilty for " hurting her " all the time by trying to push away her unwanted

contact.

I'm actually about to go on vacation with her for a few days. Just me and her

going on a trip... Wish me luck...

Wishing you strength and peace,

Emi

[Guest guest]

Hi Emi,

Welcome to the Group. I do wish you the best of luck RE your upcoming trip with

your bpd mom. I suggest that you read the short article called " Medium Chill "

at message number 132287 of this Group's past posts; its a method of emotionally

distancing yourself in a polite way from a difficult or personality-disordered

person so they can't so easily " get to you " / mess with your head.

That's great that when you get back from your trip you'll have a stack of books

about borderline pd to read. Its really true that knowledge is power, and its

empowering.

It takes a while to absorb all this new information, but give yourself time, and

as Doug says, be gentle with yourself. You're about to begin to individuate and

become your own emotionally independent, self-validating adult self, and that is

a huge paradigm shift.

But its great that you will be starting to change your thinking and your

behaviors RE your relationship with your bpd mother now: creating reasonable and

rational adult boundaries with her now, instead of waiting until your 40s or

50s. That is awesome!

-Annie

>

> Reading the other responses - this is all really great advice. I'm thinking of

getting a restraining order too. My nada has no aversion to showing up where I

am and causing an awful scene. I'm 23, out of college and working, but back when

I was in college I used to find her peeking into my classroom windows, walking

around my boyfriend's ex's dorm trying to look into HER windows to see if my

boyfriend was cheating on me. She once sprang up out of nowhere and tried to

grab my phone from me. Public safety came to mediate, and she told them I was

high on drugs. Years of events like this went by. The " showing up " issue got so

bad that finally in junior year she was banned from campus. I felt so

empowered... It was like a protective order for people who are afraid to get a

protective order. While I was on the campus grounds I felt safe - she couldn't

come in to get me! Now that I'm out of college I play life really safe and

boring so that she won't feel anxious, start harassing me, showing up again,

etc., because I don't have that safety force field anymore.

>

> It's good to know that at age 23, I still have ample time to turn everything

around, and really HAVE a life that isn't controlled by my nada's crazy mood

swings, controlling and demoralizing harassment, and attempts to make me feel

guilty for " hurting her " all the time by trying to push away her unwanted

contact.

>

> I'm actually about to go on vacation with her for a few days. Just me and her

going on a trip... Wish me luck...

>

> Wishing you strength and peace,

> Emi

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie! My books are here and I'm so excited! It's a lot to obsorb, as you

say. I'm beginning to feel empowered already... I'm going to look at " Medium

Chill. " I suspect I've already developed some of those emotional walls for not

letting her " get to me. " Sometimes that fuels the fire for conflict though.

Since she's constantly upset, I need to remember to show a certain amount of

" I'm so sorry " when I'm around her or else she gets even more upset. The trip

went okay. Dare I say... enjoyable!

=)

Emi

[Guest guest]

Hi Emi, Welcome. It's great that u know already that ur nada's behavior isn't

normal AND that u need to protect urself. The part about u laying low and doing

everything safe was kind of hard for me to process bc I could feel ur pain. I

lived ur life. I was 23 when it hit me that I needed to get away from my nada

and gnada...that the things they were doing and did just weren't right. I moved

3,000 miles away and don't u know it, my crazy nada got rid of everything she

had except her truck and dog, and she drove across the country in 2.5 days to

land just down the street from me at Starbucks. It was my worst trip to

Starbucks EVER...and I looooovvvve coffee/Starbucks. What's worse though, I

let her back into my life, and gnada too. ((

My point is...learn all u can and put it into practice Now!!! Save urself bc U

DESERVE IT!!! I tried to get away but the bpd's followed me. I didn't know of

bpd then. I wish I had!!!! So much!!!!! I wish I could've empowered myself

with that knowledge; put all that information to good use and reclaimed my life.

If I had, I wouldn't have lost another decade and a half of my life to them, NOR

would I be where I am today physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and

most importantly, health wise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U can do it!!! U've ordered books and ur already here. Great Job!!!!! Keep up

the Fantastic work and know that ur on the right path...the path to UR OWN

LIFE!!!

>

> >

> > Reading the other responses - this is all really great advice. I'm thinking

of getting a restraining order too. My nada has no aversion to showing up where

I am and causing an awful scene. I'm 23, out of college and working, but back

when I was in college I used to find her peeking into my classroom windows,

walking around my boyfriend's ex's dorm trying to look into HER windows to see

if my boyfriend was cheating on me. She once sprang up out of nowhere and tried

to grab my phone from me. Public safety came to mediate, and she told them I was

high on drugs. Years of events like this went by. The " showing up " issue got so

bad that finally in junior year she was banned from campus. I felt so

empowered... It was like a protective order for people who are afraid to get a

protective order. While I was on the campus grounds I felt safe - she couldn't

come in to get me! Now that I'm out of college I play life really safe and

boring so that she won't feel anxious, start harassing me, showing up again,

etc., because I don't have that safety force field anymore.

> >

> > It's good to know that at age 23, I still have ample time to turn everything

around, and really HAVE a life that isn't controlled by my nada's crazy mood

swings, controlling and demoralizing harassment, and attempts to make me feel

guilty for " hurting her " all the time by trying to push away her unwanted

contact.

> >

> > I'm actually about to go on vacation with her for a few days. Just me and

her going on a trip... Wish me luck...

> >

> > Wishing you strength and peace,

> > Emi

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It never ceases to amaze me how much in common we all have. I also moved across

country trying to escape my crazy nada. I was 25 and still living at home. I

told my parents I was going on holiday, got on the plane and never went back.

Little did I know how much trouble she could cause me from 1000 miles away.

Sure enough a few years later I caught wind of the fact that they were planning

to move to my city. She never told me (it was all kept hush, hush until the

last minute). I found out because she actually had the audacity to phone MY

friend repeatedly to ask her to get my father a job at the company my friend was

working at. She then phoned up my friend and warned her not to tell me. Which

she obviously did. When I confronted her about it she denied it adamantly and

actually called my friend a liar. As if she had anything to gain by lieing.

> > >

> > > Reading the other responses - this is all really great advice. I'm

thinking of getting a restraining order too. My nada has no aversion to showing

up where I am and causing an awful scene. I'm 23, out of college and working,

but back when I was in college I used to find her peeking into my classroom

windows, walking around my boyfriend's ex's dorm trying to look into HER windows

to see if my boyfriend was cheating on me. She once sprang up out of nowhere and

tried to grab my phone from me. Public safety came to mediate, and she told them

I was high on drugs. Years of events like this went by. The " showing up " issue

got so bad that finally in junior year she was banned from campus. I felt so

empowered... It was like a protective order for people who are afraid to get a

protective order. While I was on the campus grounds I felt safe - she couldn't

come in to get me! Now that I'm out of college I play life really safe and

boring so that she won't feel anxious, start harassing me, showing up again,

etc., because I don't have that safety force field anymore.

> > >

> > > It's good to know that at age 23, I still have ample time to turn

everything around, and really HAVE a life that isn't controlled by my nada's

crazy mood swings, controlling and demoralizing harassment, and attempts to make

me feel guilty for " hurting her " all the time by trying to push away her

unwanted contact.

> > >

> > > I'm actually about to go on vacation with her for a few days. Just me and

her going on a trip... Wish me luck...

> > >

> > > Wishing you strength and peace,

> > > Emi

> > >

> >

>