New to the group. My mother is a high functioning BPD and she lives with me

June 19, 2012

I recently started treatment for depression as I was feeling trapped and

hopeless about everything it didn't make sense as I have a supportive partner

and 3 great kids and my mother lives with me. It wasn't until my 7th session

with my psychologist that I had an AH HA moment I was going through my mothers

issues and how I dealt with them when he said that sounds a " bit histrionic or

borderline " I know both terms are different. So I looked for research the link

between depression and a parent with BPD and nearly fell off my chair... There

was a heap of stuff out there one particular book I read on the subject I

started to cry it was how I felt most of my life and realised that it had a lot

to do with how my mother interacted with me as a child and how I view the world

today.

Another thing that hit me was 5 points that are prevalent in children of

parent/s with BDP is that their more likely to have:

depression

low self esteem

attachment issues

initmacy issues and

suicidal ideation/attempts

I admit that I have 4/5, never ever thought of suicide personally. Is this true

for everyone?

Don't get me wrong I do not blame her because I know I can not control her

behaviours and I acknowlege it but I don't like it and the fact that she managed

to move in with me because of my feelings of guilt when her and dad split up

fell straight into me looking after her in her old age,

Her behaviours affect my relationship with my husband and it effects my kids and

I feel as though I have let them down, by allowing her in. I am learning

boundarIes but it's real difficult when she constantly oversteps them.

How can I make it easier for me to deal with my mothers behaviours and at the

same time learn assertiveness which was ripped out of me when I was a kid? Does

anyone have any ideas?

I am greatful that there is a support group for adult children with parents with

BPD at least I don't feel so isolated anymore

June 20, 2012

Hi Archboldl,

That is a very difficult position to be in, when you are fighting depression yet

you are continually exposed to a major cause of your depression.

I feel great sympathy for you; my younger Sister was in a similar situation.

She had volunteered to be our nada's (bpd/npd mother's) part-time care-giver

and Sister became more and more depressed as the years went on, because

according to our nada nothing Sister did was ever good enough, done right, or

done often enough to please our nada.

I could hear how truly depressed my Sister was whenever I spoke with her, and it

really scared me.

Fortunately my Sister chose to go into therapy, got lucky and found a very

compassionate therapist who pretty much absolved my Sister of all her misplaced

and inappropriate guilt feelings. He allowed my Sister to accept that it was

NOT Sister's job to manage our nada's feelings for her; it was NOT Sister's job

to make sure nada was happy.

Sister and I agreed that we'd see that our nada had her material needs met, and

fortunately nada herself had been good with money; she and dad had arranged so

that nada would be provided for after his death. But nada wasn't a happy person

and never had been; she was demanding, controlling, hyper-critical and

perfectionistic. No matter how much of Sister's free time was spent going over

to see nada, doing things for nada, Sister was subjected to relentless

criticism, tears and drama from our nada.

Sister told me that the only way she finally was able to manage was to

completely (virtually totally) emotionally detach from our nada, as though in

her heart our mother/nada had physically died, and that this person she was

looking after was simply one of her clients. Sister was able to develop a

compassionate but professional detachment in which Sister was able to interact

with our mother/nada *without caring if nada was pleased with Sister or not.*

I was totally in support of my Sister in this, as I had chosen to go totally No

Contact with our mother/nada myself,\ due to her relentless criticism, emotional

manipulation and the impact that had on me. (I also felt at the time that

perhaps if our nada had only Sister to rely on, she might treat Sister better,

but that didn't happen.)

My suggestion to you is to read all you can about personality disorder,

particularly the Cluster B pds. " Understanding The Borderline Mother " helped me

a great deal. " Surviving a Borderline Parent " gets recommended here also. I

also suggest books about overcoming co-dependency, such as " Co-dependent No

More " , and books about setting and enforcing boundaries for yourself like " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and the newer editions of that book. And " Toxic Parents " .

And " Bad Childhood, Good Life. "

I've heard that depression is sometimes anger turned inward against the self,

because for whatever reason you have not been allowed to express your anger.

This makes a great deal of sense to me; it was very relevant in my own case. I

suggest perhaps bringing this up with your therapist, who may think its healthy

for you to figure out how to access your own anger, your righteous indignation

over being used and sucked dry, and so become more proactive and assertive when

someone is attempting to treat you like a doormat.

I'll conclude this long response with this concept, that I hope you can take in:

You did not cause your mother to have a personality disorder,

you can't control her behaviors and

you can't cure her.

The only power you have is to change the way you, yourself, react to her

behaviors.

It will take a paradigm shift in your thinking, to realize that you were not put

on this earth to be someone else's emotional punching bag, that its NOT your job

to be your mother's mommy or her therapist, and that you deserve to have your

own joyful adult life and family of your own. You and your husband and your kids

deserve time for yourselves, you deserve your own home and your own family

happiness. Your mother is responsible for her own feelings and taking care of

her own need for happiness and companionship and getting therapy for herself if

she is unhappy.

Its not your job to manage her feelings for her.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

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> I recently started treatment for depression as I was feeling trapped and