Need Advice- FOG running my life

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone. I have a personal issue that I know only this group would

understand.

Recently my mother in law retired due to medical reasons. Because of this, she

cannot afford to live on her own. Her husband (my father in law) passed away 5

years ago and she is living alone in a 4 bedroom home. Because we do not own a

home, we felt it was perfect time to move in and help her with the payments.

She, in turn, is turning the title of the house over to us and we will take over

the mortgage payments.

Its the logical thing to do at this time.

The problem is.... my fear... obligation....and guilt.

I am NC with my nada and fada for 2 years now, but my guilt is killing me. Even

though I am not speaking to my parents, I have this feeling like I am " choosing "

someone else other than my family. I know it sounds ridiculous, but any that has

lived with a BDP nada or fada would understand.

I need advice on how to get rid of this FOG..... Its literally keeping me awake

at night.

AJ

[Guest guest]

AJ,

I can understand the guilt. It seems to me that part of the

problem here is that you're viewing this as choosing one or the

other. The two things have nothing to do with each other. You've

made two separate choices about separate things. You're not

speaking to your nada and fada because they mistreated you.

You're choosing to share a home with your mother-in-law because

she needs help and presumably she hasn't mistreated you. If you

were speaking to your parents, would that change your choice

where your mother-in-law is concerned? I'd guess not.

If that's not enough to ease your FOG, remember that the reasons

you are NC have to do with the way your nada and fada behave.

They're the ones who've chosen to do the things that caused you

to stop having contact. You didn't force them to take those

actions. You just chose to protect yourself from any further

actions on their part.

At 01:39 PM 06/21/2012 aj91507 wrote:

>Hello everyone. I have a personal issue that I know only this

>group would understand.

>

>Recently my mother in law retired due to medical reasons.

>Because of this, she cannot afford to live on her own. Her

>husband (my father in law) passed away 5 years ago and she is

>living alone in a 4 bedroom home. Because we do not own a home,

>we felt it was perfect time to move in and help her with the

>payments. She, in turn, is turning the title of the house over

>to us and we will take over the mortgage payments.

>

>Its the logical thing to do at this time.

>

>The problem is.... my fear... obligation....and guilt.

>

>I am NC with my nada and fada for 2 years now, but my guilt is

>killing me. Even though I am not speaking to my parents, I have

>this feeling like I am " choosing " someone else other than my

>family. I know it sounds ridiculous, but any that has lived

>with a BDP nada or fada would understand.

>

>I need advice on how to get rid of this FOG..... Its literally

>keeping me awake at night.

>

>AJ

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree I think through the emotional abuse one gets guilty if they choose help

another person besides their BPD parent. I would own those feelings acknowledge

them and then remember why you feel that way why your attitudes to life are

somewhat a byproduct of your upbringing and then remember how you won your life

back when you went NC. Its the guilts that were programmed into u when u were a

child so they could make themselves feel better. I bet you MIL does not do that

to you or her son. I hope that this makes sense. Dont go back to being someones

emotional punching bag

------------------------------

>AJ,

>

>I can understand the guilt. It seems to me that part of the

>problem here is that you're viewing this as choosing one or the

>other. The two things have nothing to do with each other. You've

>made two separate choices about separate things. You're not

>speaking to your nada and fada because they mistreated you.

>You're choosing to share a home with your mother-in-law because

>she needs help and presumably she hasn't mistreated you. If you

>were speaking to your parents, would that change your choice

>where your mother-in-law is concerned? I'd guess not.

>

>If that's not enough to ease your FOG, remember that the reasons

>you are NC have to do with the way your nada and fada behave.

>They're the ones who've chosen to do the things that caused you

>to stop having contact. You didn't force them to take those

>actions. You just chose to protect yourself from any further

>actions on their part.

>

>At 01:39 PM 06/21/2012 aj91507 wrote:

>>Hello everyone. I have a personal issue that I know only this

>>group would understand.

>>

>>Recently my mother in law retired due to medical reasons.

>>Because of this, she cannot afford to live on her own. Her

>>husband (my father in law) passed away 5 years ago and she is

>>living alone in a 4 bedroom home. Because we do not own a home,

>>we felt it was perfect time to move in and help her with the

>>payments. She, in turn, is turning the title of the house over

>>to us and we will take over the mortgage payments.

>>

>>Its the logical thing to do at this time.

>>

>>The problem is.... my fear... obligation....and guilt.

>>

>>I am NC with my nada and fada for 2 years now, but my guilt is

>>killing me. Even though I am not speaking to my parents, I have

>>this feeling like I am " choosing " someone else other than my

>>family. I know it sounds ridiculous, but any that has lived

>>with a BDP nada or fada would understand.

>>

>>I need advice on how to get rid of this FOG..... Its literally

>>keeping me awake at night.

>>

>>AJ

>

>--

>Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you SO much for this:

" If that's not enough to ease your FOG, remember that the reasons

you are NC have to do with the way your nada and fada behave.

They're the ones who've chosen to do the things that caused you

to stop having contact. You didn't force them to take those

actions. You just chose to protect yourself from any further

actions on their part. "

I've put it in my Borderline Insights document I've created.

[Guest guest]

Consider the alternative. Imagine moving in with Nada, or her moving in

with you. Ok, have you stopped screaming yet?

I went through this with my own Nada. I helped her get settled into an

apartment at a senior high rise 4 blocks from me after she retired.

Before that, she went through 4 places in 3 years from which she was

evicted for filthiness ( she was a hoarder). The few times she came to

stay with me for short periods, she started to make my house the same

sort of sty. No matter how I begged, reasoned, pleaded, stormed, or

whined, she would not ever, ever respect my rules or requests about

piling up trash she collected from alleys, smoking in the house, tending

to her dog so we did not have to clean up her offal.

In the end, it came to a horrible stormy confrontation in which I had to

insist that she return to her own apartment. Horrible guilt, I tossed

my mother out of my house.

And they put us in the position of doing something that , to the casual

observer, seems outrageous, like that, or submitting and putting up with

their crazy shit for out entire life, or theirs. It is sad.

Be gentle with yourself. You did not choose what they are. Your good

choices were to be firm, even if it seems cruel, to them, or be a door

mat and accept the cruelty they would most surely pile on you.

I hurts to take the shit, it hurts to say, basically, I m cutting the

rope, I won t let you pull me down with you. But that is the only

choice available to you which lets one person in the formula, you , have

a chance at sanity and health.

I had my mother in law with us the last 2 years of her life. But not

my mother. Guilt? Yea, you bet. Would 5 years of my mother living

with us have been survivable? I don t think so.

Doug

>

> Hello everyone. I have a personal issue that I know only this group

would understand.

>

> Recently my mother in law retired due to medical reasons. Because of

this, she cannot afford to live on her own. Her husband (my father in

law) passed away 5 years ago and she is living alone in a 4 bedroom

home. Because we do not own a home, we felt it was perfect time to move

in and help her with the payments. She, in turn, is turning the title of

the house over to us and we will take over the mortgage payments.

>

> Its the logical thing to do at this time.

>

> The problem is.... my fear... obligation....and guilt.

>

> I am NC with my nada and fada for 2 years now, but my guilt is killing

me. Even though I am not speaking to my parents, I have this feeling

like I am " choosing " someone else other than my family. I know it sounds

ridiculous, but any that has lived with a BDP nada or fada would

understand.

>

> I need advice on how to get rid of this FOG..... Its literally keeping

me awake at night.

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

Ah the guilt. Keeping you awake at night. The sad thing is that this feeling

is no better for your health than the punishment wrought by the BPD. In a

perfect world, you could take care of your parents when they age. I can tell

you that I, for one, will never cohabitate with either my mother or my inlaws.

I love my mother, but I have lived my entire married life taking care of

children, and at this point, I am not equipped to be a caregiver in my home. I

do take meals, drive my mother to appointments, and spend time with her. I even

landscape her yard regularly. This is what I am emotionally equipped to do at

this point. My mother-in-law has punished me my entire married life. Though I

understand her disorder and do not blame her per se, I will not go back to the

anxiety and physical suffering she caused before I sought therapy and pulled

away from her, setting clear and permanent boundaries. She can't take it back

or erase the pain from my mind, so my ability to care for her emotional needs is

severely limited. My children and husband have also individually set up

boundaries. We finally feel like we have peace!

> >

> > Hello everyone. I have a personal issue that I know only this group

> would understand.

> >

> > Recently my mother in law retired due to medical reasons. Because of

> this, she cannot afford to live on her own. Her husband (my father in

> law) passed away 5 years ago and she is living alone in a 4 bedroom

> home. Because we do not own a home, we felt it was perfect time to move

> in and help her with the payments. She, in turn, is turning the title of

> the house over to us and we will take over the mortgage payments.

> >

> > Its the logical thing to do at this time.

> >

> > The problem is.... my fear... obligation....and guilt.

> >

> > I am NC with my nada and fada for 2 years now, but my guilt is killing

> me. Even though I am not speaking to my parents, I have this feeling

> like I am " choosing " someone else other than my family. I know it sounds

> ridiculous, but any that has lived with a BDP nada or fada would

> understand.

> >

> > I need advice on how to get rid of this FOG..... Its literally keeping

> me awake at night.

> >

> > AJ

> >

>