Long time lurker, first time poster:)

June 20, 2012

Hi everyone,

I have spent a lot of time on here reading posts for many years. I am grateful

to all of you for posting your stories and making me feel like I am not the only

one going through this.

My mom was diagnosed as having BPD about 9 years ago. I have read many books and

have gone to therapy myself to deal with the damage that she caused. I was very

fortunate to have a father who was always there for me and was a strong role

model for me. I also was fortunate to have many people on his side of the family

who were also my role models. I realized at a young age that my mom was not

normal and that there was something wrong with her because of my dad and his

family.

Lately, though, my dad has become more and more isolated by her and I cannot

spend any time with him unless she is also there. This is really hard for me. I

have put up many boundaries and stuck to them, but she continues to hurt me in

any way that she can. Her favorite way is to try to get my dad to be on her side

and to be against me.

I am seriously thinking about going to NC or very LC with my mom. I have not

done this before because she was the gateway to my dad and I don't want to lose

contact with him. However, I never get to really be with my dad because she will

not let him out of her sight.

Has anyone gone through this? Does anyone have a dad who is really a pretty good

guy? How did you get time with your dad without the BPD around? Is that even

possible?

I appreciate any advice or help. I am really ready to get on with my life and

weed out all the negatives.....

Kary

June 22, 2012

Hello Kary,

My story starts out a lot like yours. The big difference is that

my nada did some really terrible things when I was 15 or 16 that

resulted in my father kicking her out of our house and divorcing

her. Several years later he married a woman who pretty much

refused to let him spend any time with his kids if he could be

spending it with her. That meant that if I wanted time alone

with him it had to be when she was at work or otherwise occupied

without him. As the years have gone by, that's become almost

impossible. At least she doesn't have BPD even if she does have

some other issues.

Good guy or not, your dad is an adult who can make his own

decisions. For whatever reason, he's choosing to go along with

your nada's efforts to isolate him from you. He could choose to

do otherwise. If you choose to go NC with her, he is going to

have to deal with the consequences of his choices. He could

choose to go against her at that point and contact you himself.

Sadly, it seems more likely that he'll bow down to her demands

and not do so. The husbands of women with BPD tend to become

dish-rags who do what they're told either because they know

there is a problem but want to keep the peace in their marriage

as much as possible or because they're deluding themselves and

trying to pretend nothing is wrong. My father fall into the

latter category up until my nada put me in the position of

having to tell him that she was having an affair. That and some

of the other things she did afterward were not something he

could ignore. I don't think it is possible to stay married to

someone with BPD and stay sane without becoming at least

somewhat of a dish rag. The alternative is fighting constantly

with escalating attempts to achieve the desired results on the

part of the person with BPD.

At 08:36 PM 06/20/2012 Kary wrote:

>Hi everyone,

>

>I have spent a lot of time on here reading posts for many

>years. I am grateful to all of you for posting your stories and

>making me feel like I am not the only one going through this.

>

>My mom was diagnosed as having BPD about 9 years ago. I have

>read many books and have gone to therapy myself to deal with

>the damage that she caused. I was very fortunate to have a

>father who was always there for me and was a strong role model

>for me. I also was fortunate to have many people on his side of

>the family who were also my role models. I realized at a young

>age that my mom was not normal and that there was something

>wrong with her because of my dad and his family.

>

>Lately, though, my dad has become more and more isolated by her

>and I cannot spend any time with him unless she is also there.

>This is really hard for me. I have put up many boundaries and

>stuck to them, but she continues to hurt me in any way that she

>can. Her favorite way is to try to get my dad to be on her side

>and to be against me.

>

>I am seriously thinking about going to NC or very LC with my

>mom. I have not done this before because she was the gateway to

>my dad and I don't want to lose contact with him. However, I

>never get to really be with my dad because she will not let him

>out of her sight.

>

>Has anyone gone through this? Does anyone have a dad who is

>really a pretty good guy? How did you get time with your dad

>without the BPD around? Is that even possible?

>

>I appreciate any advice or help. I am really ready to get on

>with my life and weed out all the negatives.....

>

>Kary

--

Katrina

June 22, 2012

Your dad has a choice. He can have a relationship with you on his own, if he

wants one. Or, he can continue to stay with your mother and do everything her

way.

He is not powerless.

Sveta

June 22, 2012

Hi Kary,

My heart goes out to you! I have a similar story but my mom wasn't diagnosed

until last week. I am a 50 year old daughter of a BPD who is now 83 and in an

assisted living facility. That's another story, but regarding your relationship

with your sweet dad, who sounds very much like my sweet but emotionally pummeled

dad. (I say that with the kindest of intentions).

I had always thought my mom would have spontaneously combusted long before my

dad would pass but it didn't happen that way.

I had a very close relationship with my dad, but in his later years, as he got

sicker and older, he couldn't put up a fight anymore, and deferred to my mom to

keep as much peace in the home as possible I guess.

She became more and more fearful of loosing him so instead of reaching out to

me, she would fly into these terrible rages and keep me from seeing him for

weeks at a time ( they lived an hour away) saying " your father doesn't want

anything to do with you " " Stay away " " we are fine - leave us alone " while the

whole time my dad was losing his fight with age. I didn't have the energy to

fight her and I had been guided to keep my bounderies up by my therapist, who

somehow never made the connection to BPD but knew i had to take care of myself,

so I stayed away. I would talk to dad on the phone but he couldn't talk for

long and was tired and always fielding her yelling in the background.

He sadly died in the middle of a few month period of me not seeing him. The

last year of his sweet life was fraught with chaos and loneliness because she

isolated him from having any friends or participating in the retirement

community activities. This wasn't an assisted living place but a large gated

community, so no one there to monitor him. She took great care of him but

wanted him all to herself, and/or couldn't see through her BPD enough to know

that he had other emotional and social needs too.

I have so much guilt and grief over this loss because the years since his death

my mom still blames me for his unhappiness and isolation. " I couldn't see fit

to visit " stuff like that. I know, in my head, how to brave this, but my heart

still hurts tremendously. I miss him so.

I have found a fantastic book this week - The Essential Family Guide to

Borderline Personality Disorder: How to stop walking on eggshells, by Randi

Kreger.

I know most of you may have already read all of the books out there but as

someone who is new to this, I am just cracking the surface.

Kary, I wanted to respond quickly because of the time I lost not knowing any of

this before, and because I lost all those fragile last days with my dad while

still fighting my mom through this disorder, not knowing any way out. You have

such a gift having this knowledge and still having your dad around. If you can

find a way to this book, it gives great tools for protecting yourself, and also

learning how to talk to your mom so as to avoid her wrath, and also stay strong.

I know my mom has moments of clarity, and kindness in there....they're just few

and far between. My wish would be that I wish I had pushed through the muck to

spend more time with him - even though she might be fighting with me, I didn't

have to listen and take it in. She was so fearful of loosing him she couldn't

see the daylight at all. It wasn't me - it was her disorder. I took it all

personally and it destroyed the precious time we could have had.

I have more stories but I gotta work now...

Best of luck! Hang on to your heart!!

Lesley

June 22, 2012

WOW!!! Another AHA moment! I truly wonder what the statistics are for spouces

of BPDs? My dad also passed at the early age of 66! Being that I always chose

BPD partners, I wonder what that says about my timeline? Thank God, that my GF

decided to make changes in her life! Right now, I am the biggest problem we

have with my anxiety and insecuritites! SHe has been doing an amazing job, but

I need the help now! One day I will get this right!

Bill

Re: Long time lurker, first time poster:)

Hi Kary,

My heart goes out to you! I have a similar story but my mom wasn't diagnosed

until last week. I am a 50 year old daughter of a BPD who is now 83 and in an

assisted living facility. That's another story, but regarding your relationship

with your sweet dad, who sounds very much like my sweet but emotionally pummeled

dad. (I say that with the kindest of intentions).

I had always thought my mom would have spontaneously combusted long before my

dad would pass but it didn't happen that way.

I had a very close relationship with my dad, but in his later years, as he got

sicker and older, he couldn't put up a fight anymore, and deferred to my mom to

keep as much peace in the home as possible I guess.

She became more and more fearful of loosing him so instead of reaching out to

me, she would fly into these terrible rages and keep me from seeing him for

weeks at a time ( they lived an hour away) saying " your father doesn't want

anything to do with you " " Stay away " " we are fine - leave us alone " while the

whole time my dad was losing his fight with age. I didn't have the energy to

fight her and I had been guided to keep my bounderies up by my therapist, who

somehow never made the connection to BPD but knew i had to take care of myself,

so I stayed away. I would talk to dad on the phone but he couldn't talk for long

and was tired and always fielding her yelling in the background.

He sadly died in the middle of a few month period of me not seeing him. The last

year of his sweet life was fraught with chaos and loneliness because she

isolated him from having any friends or participating in the retirement

community activities. This wasn't an assisted living place but a large gated

community, so no one there to monitor him. She took great care of him but wanted

him all to herself, and/or couldn't see through her BPD enough to know that he

had other emotional and social needs too.

I have so much guilt and grief over this loss because the years since his death

my mom still blames me for his unhappiness and isolation. " I couldn't see fit to

visit " stuff like that. I know, in my head, how to brave this, but my heart