RE: Should I read nada's journal?

June 22, 2012

Have a big drink and BURN IT!

You don't need to torture yourself with things she thought that you can no

longer confront her with.

Chances are better than not that if she was a NADA there is no outpouring of

her " real and nice " feelings in there.

Better safe than sorry

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of

Sent: Friday, June 22, 2012 6:04 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Should I read nada's journal?

Nada died in 2010- I just found her journal in a box. I kind of want to read

it, but another part of me wants to set it on fire and be done. What do you

think?

June 22, 2012

Do you really want to know the thoughts your nada had running

around in her head? I can't imagine that anything my nada writes

in a journal would be something I'd gain anything from reading

after she's gone. I think I'd be curious but I don't think that

reading it would do anything positive for me. She has so much

hatred that she's been holding onto for decades and she seems to

believe so many things that aren't true. I can't imagine that a

journal would't be overflowing with hatred and lies.

I'd say that you should ask yourself what you hope to gain if

you read it. If you're searching for more understanding of how

she felt. maybe reading it will give you a window on what was

happening in her head. If so, be prepared to be digging into a

pile of negativity though. If you have a secret hope that it

will show a side of her that really loved you and felt regret

for how she treated you, I'd say set it on fire. There's not

going to be anything in there that will change what she did to

you while she was alive. If it says anything nice, it won't be

believable anyway. I have no trouble picturing a nada writing a

fake journal to make her look good with the idea in mind that

someone will find it and read it.

There is a third option - get someone else to read it. If you're

the type of person who will always wonder about what's in their

and be bothered by it, a friend you trust could look at it and

then give you a summary that would be enough to tame your

curiosity.

At 06:04 PM 06/22/2012 wrote:

>Nada died in 2010- I just found her journal in a box. I kind of

>want to read it, but another part of me wants to set it on fire

>and be done. What do you think?

--

Katrina

June 22, 2012

I personally have chosen not to read any of the letters or cards that my nada

sent me after I decided to go No Contact with her. She died just before this

last Christmas. I haven't thrown them away, but I don't want to read them

either.

My nada was full of disappointment, frustration, paranoia and delusional

thoughts, feelings and beliefs, and she was into projecting her negative

thoughts and feelings and her self-loathing onto me, my Sister and our dad. All

this Queen/Witch aggressive negativity was interspersed with occasional bouts of

sobbing contrition and Waify pleas for forgiveness, which I found difficult to

believe, and which tore my heart out each time. My relationship with my mother

would continue to cycle between ugly, gut-punching abuse and seeming love and

kindness, over and over, until I went No Contact.

My gut feeling is that her letters and cards will only be more of the same, if I

should ever read them, so I don't believe I will.

-Annie

>

> Nada died in 2010- I just found her journal in a box. I kind of want to read

it, but another part of me wants to set it on fire and be done. What do you

think?

>

June 23, 2012

Thanks for your input everyone. I guess I just sort of wanted to see into her

mind a little. 2 years without her has given me enough time, space and healing

to be a little curious. That said, the abuse was so bad I still do not miss her.

I have no feelings of love, nostalgia, anger- nothing. It's like she never

existed, except for all the fleas she left behind. It's really weird- it's like

I am numb, and I really don't think I will ever feel any other way. In fact my

husband has reminded me of stories I told him about her before we were married,

and some of them I can't even remember the details of. He remembers the details

because they were horrifying to him. It's weird that all of a sudden I can't

remember clearly. I wonder if that is healthy? Anyway, I'm not mad at her. I

know she was mentally ill. As much as she made my life hell I know she made her

own life hell too. It's actually really sad. I pity her. I'm glad she's gone. I

am so so glad.

I think I'll burn it. I have an appt with my counselor tomorrow, I'll run it by

her too. I am starting EMDR tomorrow for a huge flea that is causing problems

with my relationship with my husband.

I end up saying this in almost all of my posts, but it's just overwhelmingly

lonely for me sometimes to not have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I mean,

I have people to talk to- but they don't get it. No one can possibly understand

except if they are a KO. I am so grateful for this site.

>

> Nada died in 2010- I just found her journal in a box. I kind of want to read

it, but another part of me wants to set it on fire and be done. What do you

think?

>

June 23, 2012

I read mine which is a big reason why I'm here and was finally able to put it

together. Especially after she married money she became more covert. I found

them v enlightening.

Sent from my iPhone

June 23, 2012

Just read everyone else's replies and agree depends what u are looking for. My

family was marked by secret thoughts and lies , actions in opposition to what

was being said. Also I was the scapegoat. Reading that stuff made me realize so

much and really lifted a lot of guilt And unworthiness off my shoulders. But

your eyes have already been opened so it's different.

There was pain but accessing that is important to me right now. And also sick

humor in some of the distortions.

Sr

Sent from my iPhone

June 24, 2012

So my therapist and I flipped through it- it was all normal stuff. her talking

about her daily activities and some thoughts that were so normal it was hard to

believe she wrote it. I was really expecting dark thoughts or her talking about

how this or that person was not respectful enough to her or did not do enough

for her. On the last page there is a paragraph about how much she loves me. I

felt no emotion reading it whatsoever. I just really think it's weird that I

feel no emotion at all when I think of her. It's like she never existed.

>

> Nada died in 2010- I just found her journal in a box. I kind of want to read

it, but another part of me wants to set it on fire and be done. What do you

think?

>

June 24, 2012

I don't feel any emotion about my parents either, except maybe I do still feel

afraid of them. I think sometimes there is so little parenting that the bond

either isn't there or is severed. I don't think it's all that weird. There's

not even enough connection to hate them.

Take care,

Ashana

June 24, 2012

The hardest part for me is mustering up anything to pretend that I do care. I

force myself to call once in a while, just so I'm not talked about as much! It

takes a lot of time for me to build to that call. I have found that the