Guest guest Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 I had an incident this morning with NADA she decided to ask me why I was " nit picking her " However it started with... " If you want me to leave all you have to do is ask and I'll leave there is no need to nit pick me. Lately I don't know where to put myself I don't know it I'm wanted or not " . Fairly typical statement to which I use to trip over myself stroking her ego. This morning I responded with " I can understand why you would think that but I don't feel the same way " . She did not know how to respond with that and stared at me for a while. I added I am learning assertion and I am using it at home, with Ben, with my children and you. I have also started using it at work with some good results and some bad (mostly management " To which NADA instantly jumped on the slight negative part of my statement and said if they don't like it too bad I use to be like you and when your busy people think things, etc.... I waited until she took a breath and stated " Mother we are not discussing my work at the moment we are discussing that you think I don't want you in the house because you feel that I am " nit picking you " . The point of assertion is to communicate and clarify anything that upsets oneself (I know dangerous)and therefore I am being assertive with you. To which she stated " As long as your being assertive to the RIGHT people then that's ok " I said Mother Assertion is not a means to punish another person it is a tool of honest communication with another adult. I was before I saw the psychologist (Yes NADA knows that I have a psychologist and doesn't like it)a passive, passive aggressive and aggressive person before and I suppose you are used to those behaviours and find my transformation confusing but you will get used to it. Thats why I have the four steps of communication on the fridge so everybody in my home knows what I am doing. Once again she stated " as long as you do it to the RIGHT people " . At that point I said I can see how you would think that however I do not feel the same " and then NADA decided to change the subject...to my children She told me that my younngest child climbs out of her cot and makes a horrible banging noise and nearly hurt herself. I said thank you for caring for her when you witnessed that she hurt herself. But they make so much noise. (NADA lives with me) I stated that I don't mind that they make so much noise because I have learnt from an early age to disassociate myself to loud noises (Don't get me wrong I do hear what my kids get up to and I always go and check if I hear an absolute absence of sound or crying) To which NADA stared at me for a moment and then moved onto the dog having diarrhoea and etc. Once again I repeated that I did not hear the dog. I then told her a story about the Dalai Lama who when having dinner with a group of people stated how amazed he was that the monks in his monastery were able to not hear the monkey chatter that is a constant sound in the background of the monastery and when asked if he could do it he smiled and said " No " . So I said I do not hear the monkey chatter in my house but I hear what counts and I can do this since I was a child (Yes I was implying that I learnt to disassociate when she used to rage at me when I was studying and such) She then got up and went to work with out saying a word. And you know what I don't feel guilty about it. I know its a small feat but I was testing my assertion and I believe I'm setting myself up for the inevitable which is to ask her to move out. So I can go NC. I do love her but I absolutely can not live with her in my home. Her negativity does feed my depression if I let it and I have overheard her raging at the kids and I keep having flash backs to when I was a kid. She used to dote on my eldest child but now she excludes her and shows preferential treatment to the twins who are younger and I don't like it. What you permit is what you promote and I'm not going to permit it anymore. Its true that as a child I was not responsible for the actions/reactions of the adults around me, and as a mother myself I will not permit her horrible attitudes and behaviours to continue and wreck my children for life. And thats my breakthrough. Lou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 Lou, I love what you wrote and I can relate to everything! Where did you learn " assertion " so well? Could you share the information about it? I have been to therapists but none have really taught me good assertion. Thanks, Robin > > I had an incident this morning with NADA she decided to ask me why I was " nit picking her " However it started with... " If you want me to leave all you have to do is ask and I'll leave there is no need to nit pick me. Lately I don't know where to put myself I don't know it I'm wanted or not " . Fairly typical statement to which I use to trip over myself stroking her ego. > > This morning I responded with " I can understand why you would think that but I don't feel the same way " . She did not know how to respond with that and stared at me for a while. > > I added I am learning assertion and I am using it at home, with Ben, with my children and you. I have also started using it at work with some good results and some bad (mostly management " > > To which NADA instantly jumped on the slight negative part of my statement and said if they don't like it too bad I use to be like you and when your busy people think things, etc.... > > I waited until she took a breath and stated " Mother we are not discussing my work at the moment we are discussing that you think I don't want you in the house because you feel that I am " nit picking you " . > > The point of assertion is to communicate and clarify anything that upsets oneself (I know dangerous)and therefore I am being assertive with you. > > To which she stated " As long as your being assertive to the RIGHT people then that's ok " > > I said Mother Assertion is not a means to punish another person it is a tool of honest communication with another adult. I was before I saw the psychologist (Yes NADA knows that I have a psychologist and doesn't like it)a passive, passive aggressive and aggressive person before and I suppose you are used to those behaviours and find my transformation confusing but you will get used to it. Thats why I have the four steps of communication on the fridge so everybody in my home knows what I am doing. > > Once again she stated " as long as you do it to the RIGHT people " . At that point I said I can see how you would think that however I do not feel the same " and then NADA decided to change the subject...to my children > > She told me that my younngest child climbs out of her cot and makes a horrible banging noise and nearly hurt herself. I said thank you for caring for her when you witnessed that she hurt herself. > But they make so much noise. (NADA lives with me) > > I stated that I don't mind that they make so much noise because I have learnt from an early age to disassociate myself to loud noises (Don't get me wrong I do hear what my kids get up to and I always go and check if I hear an absolute absence of sound or crying) To which NADA stared at me for a moment and then moved onto the dog having diarrhoea and etc. > Once again I repeated that I did not hear the dog. > > I then told her a story about the Dalai Lama who when having dinner with a group of people stated how amazed he was that the monks in his monastery were able to not hear the monkey chatter that is a constant sound in the background of the monastery and when asked if he could do it he smiled and said " No " . So I said I do not hear the monkey chatter in my house but I hear what counts and I can do this since I was a child (Yes I was implying that I learnt to disassociate when she used to rage at me when I was studying and such) > > She then got up and went to work with out saying a word. And you know what I don't feel guilty about it. I know its a small feat but I was testing my assertion and I believe I'm setting myself up for the inevitable which is to ask her to move out. So I can go NC. > > I do love her but I absolutely can not live with her in my home. Her negativity does feed my depression if I let it and I have overheard her raging at the kids and I keep having flash backs to when I was a kid. She used to dote on my eldest child but now she excludes her and shows preferential treatment to the twins who are younger and I don't like it. What you permit is what you promote and I'm not going to permit it anymore. Its true that as a child I was not responsible for the actions/reactions of the adults around me, and as a mother myself I will not permit her horrible attitudes and behaviours to continue and wreck my children for life. And thats my breakthrough. > Lou > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2012 Report Share Posted June 24, 2012 That is AWESOME assertiveness, Lou!! It sounds to me like you have made a huge breakthrough and are no longer afraid of your nada or her reactions; that is wonderful! You are willing and able to stand up for yourself and for your children and not allow your mother to rage at them or show preferential treatment to some of them any longer. You GO, Grrrrl! Big virtual high five from me! -Annie > > I had an incident this morning with NADA she decided to ask me why I was " nit picking her " However it started with... " If you want me to leave all you have to do is ask and I'll leave there is no need to nit pick me. Lately I don't know where to put myself I don't know it I'm wanted or not " . Fairly typical statement to which I use to trip over myself stroking her ego. > > This morning I responded with " I can understand why you would think that but I don't feel the same way " . She did not know how to respond with that and stared at me for a while. > > I added I am learning assertion and I am using it at home, with Ben, with my children and you. I have also started using it at work with some good results and some bad (mostly management " > > To which NADA instantly jumped on the slight negative part of my statement and said if they don't like it too bad I use to be like you and when your busy people think things, etc.... > > I waited until she took a breath and stated " Mother we are not discussing my work at the moment we are discussing that you think I don't want you in the house because you feel that I am " nit picking you " . > > The point of assertion is to communicate and clarify anything that upsets oneself (I know dangerous)and therefore I am being assertive with you. > > To which she stated " As long as your being assertive to the RIGHT people then that's ok " > > I said Mother Assertion is not a means to punish another person it is a tool of honest communication with another adult. I was before I saw the psychologist (Yes NADA knows that I have a psychologist and doesn't like it)a passive, passive aggressive and aggressive person before and I suppose you are used to those behaviours and find my transformation confusing but you will get used to it. Thats why I have the four steps of communication on the fridge so everybody in my home knows what I am doing. > > Once again she stated " as long as you do it to the RIGHT people " . At that point I said I can see how you would think that however I do not feel the same " and then NADA decided to change the subject...to my children > > She told me that my younngest child climbs out of her cot and makes a horrible banging noise and nearly hurt herself. I said thank you for caring for her when you witnessed that she hurt herself. > But they make so much noise. (NADA lives with me) > > I stated that I don't mind that they make so much noise because I have learnt from an early age to disassociate myself to loud noises (Don't get me wrong I do hear what my kids get up to and I always go and check if I hear an absolute absence of sound or crying) To which NADA stared at me for a moment and then moved onto the dog having diarrhoea and etc. > Once again I repeated that I did not hear the dog. > > I then told her a story about the Dalai Lama who when having dinner with a group of people stated how amazed he was that the monks in his monastery were able to not hear the monkey chatter that is a constant sound in the background of the monastery and when asked if he could do it he smiled and said " No " . So I said I do not hear the monkey chatter in my house but I hear what counts and I can do this since I was a child (Yes I was implying that I learnt to disassociate when she used to rage at me when I was studying and such) > > She then got up and went to work with out saying a word. And you know what I don't feel guilty about it. I know its a small feat but I was testing my assertion and I believe I'm setting myself up for the inevitable which is to ask her to move out. So I can go NC. > > I do love her but I absolutely can not live with her in my home. Her negativity does feed my depression if I let it and I have overheard her raging at the kids and I keep having flash backs to when I was a kid. She used to dote on my eldest child but now she excludes her and shows preferential treatment to the twins who are younger and I don't like it. What you permit is what you promote and I'm not going to permit it anymore. Its true that as a child I was not responsible for the actions/reactions of the adults around me, and as a mother myself I will not permit her horrible attitudes and behaviours to continue and wreck my children for life. And thats my breakthrough. > Lou > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2012 Report Share Posted June 25, 2012 LOU this is so awesome. Great for you!! I would be willing to bet that if you keep this up and stay the course, your nada will choose to move out! Could you just imagine? =) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2012 Report Share Posted June 26, 2012 Hi Robin I lucked out with a really empathetic psychologist who I have a really good therapeutic relationship with. He used to be married to a HBPD. He has me doing Cognitive behavioural therapy that when put altogether gives you little steps. He started with the ego states and understanding the differences between critical parent, rescuing parent, nurturing parent, adult, free child, compliant/helpless child and defensive/rebellious child. You can do a test to find out where you are at. The results are based on a bell curve model meaning that the majority of where you should score high is in nurturing parent, adult and free child. Don't worry its a test of where you are emotionally before therapy starts. http://www.comedyfixtrafficschool.com/egostate.html He taught me ego state analysis theory in 6 different ways so I got the gist. What worked for me was walking around and the thinking whenever someone said something to me I would judge where it falls and then pick the correct ego state in which to talk to that person which is most often then not the Adult state. We then moved onto Assertion. Mal then gave me a four step communicationtechnique which is this(this is whats on my fridge) 1. Describe the situation. Don't interpret 2. Own your feelings. I feel/felt.... 3. Own your thoughts. I think/thought... 4. Confirm (Respect). What do you feel/think? What was/is happening for/with you? He also taught me that BUT is a bad word. For example we have learnt to give people bad news we start with a positive affirmation then ruin it with a BUT and the person we are talking too only hear what came after BUT not before it. Substitute it with AND instead. He also taught me not to say WHY? Try this experiment go into a quiet room and with someone you trust you sit down and leave the other person standing in front of you. You want to be in a relaxed state. Once your fully relaxed and aware of your body. Get your friend to start shouting WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY and then take stock of where it affects you. For me my stomach felt as though it had literally twisted , I had started wringing my hands and was clenching my jaw. Never realised that it had that effect. He also taught me boundaries and exposed me to the works of Dr Henry Cloud and Dr Townsend who pretty much specialise in creating boundaries. Boundaries protect your Feelings, Attitudes and Behaviour from others. He also taught me the 5 languages of love by Dr Chapman whose work concentrates on intimacy issues. I believe that all these things together have helped me to gain assertion. I don't know what Mal is doing different to other psychologists and I can say that for me he just has this uncanny ability to understand what I need to get better maybe due to his own experiences with BPD? I hope that this helps you Robin > > > > I had an incident this morning with NADA she decided to ask me why I was " nit picking her " However it started with... " If you want me to leave all you have to do is ask and I'll leave there is no need to nit pick me. Lately I don't know where to put myself I don't know it I'm wanted or not " . Fairly typical statement to which I use to trip over myself stroking her ego. > > > > This morning I responded with " I can understand why you would think that but I don't feel the same way " . She did not know how to respond with that and stared at me for a while. > > > > I added I am learning assertion and I am using it at home, with Ben, with my children and you. I have also started using it at work with some good results and some bad (mostly management " > > > > To which NADA instantly jumped on the slight negative part of my statement and said if they don't like it too bad I use to be like you and when your busy people think things, etc.... > > > > I waited until she took a breath and stated " Mother we are not discussing my work at the moment we are discussing that you think I don't want you in the house because you feel that I am " nit picking you " . > > > > The point of assertion is to communicate and clarify anything that upsets oneself (I know dangerous)and therefore I am being assertive with you. > > > > To which she stated " As long as your being assertive to the RIGHT people then that's ok " > > > > I said Mother Assertion is not a means to punish another person it is a tool of honest communication with another adult. I was before I saw the psychologist (Yes NADA knows that I have a psychologist and doesn't like it)a passive, passive aggressive and aggressive person before and I suppose you are used to those behaviours and find my transformation confusing but you will get used to it. Thats why I have the four steps of communication on the fridge so everybody in my home knows what I am doing. > > > > Once again she stated " as long as you do it to the RIGHT people " . At that point I said I can see how you would think that however I do not feel the same " and then NADA decided to change the subject...to my children > > > > She told me that my younngest child climbs out of her cot and makes a horrible banging noise and nearly hurt herself. I said thank you for caring for her when you witnessed that she hurt herself. > > But they make so much noise. (NADA lives with me) > > > > I stated that I don't mind that they make so much noise because I have learnt from an early age to disassociate myself to loud noises (Don't get me wrong I do hear what my kids get up to and I always go and check if I hear an absolute absence of sound or crying) To which NADA stared at me for a moment and then moved onto the dog having diarrhoea and etc. > > Once again I repeated that I did not hear the dog. > > > > I then told her a story about the Dalai Lama who when having dinner with a group of people stated how amazed he was that the monks in his monastery were able to not hear the monkey chatter that is a constant sound in the background of the monastery and when asked if he could do it he smiled and said " No " . So I said I do not hear the monkey chatter in my house but I hear what counts and I can do this since I was a child (Yes I was implying that I learnt to disassociate when she used to rage at me when I was studying and such) > > > > She then got up and went to work with out saying a word. And you know what I don't feel guilty about it. I know its a small feat but I was testing my assertion and I believe I'm setting myself up for the inevitable which is to ask her to move out. So I can go NC. > > > > I do love her but I absolutely can not live with her in my home. Her negativity does feed my depression if I let it and I have overheard her raging at the kids and I keep having flash backs to when I was a kid. She used to dote on my eldest child but now she excludes her and shows preferential treatment to the twins who are younger and I don't like it. What you permit is what you promote and I'm not going to permit it anymore. Its true that as a child I was not responsible for the actions/reactions of the adults around me, and as a mother myself I will not permit her horrible attitudes and behaviours to continue and wreck my children for life. And thats my breakthrough. > > Lou > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2012 Report Share Posted June 26, 2012 Thank you Annie for your words of encouragemnt Thank you I can imagine it Dear Robin The best thing for success is having a good therapeutic relationship with your psychologist/therapist. Mal is very empathetic and has shared with me his experiences of being married to a BPD and dealing with her. He decided to go NC and has not looked back It has been a bit of a process for Mal to get me to the point of assertion. Mal has taken me through an EGO state analysis followed by the foundations of creating boundaries and then assertive technique. On my fridge door I have a print out from Mal explaining an assertive communication technique Four Step Communication Technique 1. Describe the situation. Don't interpret 2. Own your feelings. I feel/felt 3. Own your thoughts. I think/thought 4. Confirm (Respect) What do you feel/think? What was/is happening for/with you? I have used these things together to get where I am now and I have been making little steps at working this all out. I have wimped out lot more than I have used my assertiveness. In fact since my breakthrough Nada has been withdrawn and I guess most of you know what will be next... a rage fest at me. So at the moment I am preparing myself with my boundaries and I am not going to let her compromise them. I hope that this helps you and I hope that you will find a therapist who can empathise with you too Lou I hope that this helps you > > > LOU this is so awesome. Great for you!! I would be willing to bet that if you keep this up and stay the course, your nada will choose to move out! Could you just imagine? =) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.