Re : For Lavender Re: Writing poems is saving me

[Guest guest]

Dear Lavender,

Please forgive me that it took so long for me to answer to you. I have been very

busy during the last weeks and haven't been at all on this site.

Thank you very much for your kind, encouraging words.

Yes I think it is both curing me and also I wish to share these poems can help

other people too.

What you wrote is very beautiful and I understand very well the situation and

the feelings you describe. It is really SPEAKING to me !

Why not often exchanging poems through this site ? I think it could be helpfull

for many of us ! What do you think about this ? 

Have a beautiful Blessed Week !

Natacha

________________________________

De : Lavender lavender.flowerdew@...>

À : WTOAdultChildren1

Envoyé le : Dimanche 10 juin 2012 18h55

Objet : Re: Writing poems is saving me

 

Dear Natacha,

I think it's wonderful that you are writing poems and having a journey of

discovering ways to share what you think and feel after all the hell. I hope you

continue and your voice, daring to speak grows stronger.

May I share a poem in return? Similar to you I'm approaching my 40's and today

have gone NC although I never imagined I ever would. This is my alphabet poem to

mark the moment and the words in quotes are nada's words:

At last the moment comes, stepping from shadows to freedom, now an adult

unhindered.

Brokered agreement by email

Curt hurt reply

Done 'forever' are we parent and child.

Excruciating this long goodbye, finally comes and passes.

Free: free air, free movement, free thought, free feelings. Free to

Go my own way.

Hopes and determination of peace, healing, stability.

In this moment, cut loose, heavy emotional ropes fall

Joy momentarily settles to relief

Kindness this is, in a way, to us both.

Lessons learned are many but

Many opportunities await

Normal at last and

Open doors, smiling faces - welcomes.

Pressures tumble

Qualms subside.

Released from 'playing happy families'.

Still had I a healthy nada

This drama would not be

Unspoken truths instead hang

Voluminously. Yet I

Wakened to new understanding say

Yes to

Zefferus blowing gently in, at last,

at last,

change.

Lavender

>

> Dear Brothers and Sisters in this chaotic Nada's world,

>

> I thank you all for your posts, since I joined this group I feel I am not

alone and I understand better and better how this nonsense Nada's world works.

>

> I wish we will all feel better soon and manage to create for each of us a

better happier life.

>

>

> Today I want to share my experience with you, maybe it could help some of

you.�

>

> I have gone NC for now one year.

> Na�vely at the beginning I thought that it would mean the end of all

problems but I have realized with time that even if there is no contact, I have

to deal today, every day, with all the scares I carry from my past. I am wounded

inside and even if there is no relationship with her today, my every day life is

difficult.�

>

> A month ago, something incredible happened to me. I think I could name this

the beginning of taking power to be free and finally manage to dare to be me.

>

> I have spent my entire life to hide my talents to please her.

>

> A month ago, I started to write poems.�

> I am starting after fourty years to be able to describe what I have been

through.

>

> I finally dare to speak. Not to my family, they are all on her side and have

rejected me completely, I wouldn't dare to tell them the truth because I am

convinced that they would not believe me and then I would feel hurted more.

>

> I am writing, first for myself, and then if they want one day they will read

my books.

>

> Maybe they will believe me, maybe not, but anyway I dare to tell the truth of

what I have been through.

>

> And it really helps.

>

> Today I would like to share with you two of my poems.

>

> I have translated them into english.

>

> Grazed heart

>

> Grazed heart

> Invisible open wound

> Inside

>

> Unconditional love

> Untemporal

> Not received from the parents

>

> Unknown father

>

> In the first years

> During the tender childhood

> Sentimental stupor

>

> Borderline mother

>

> Rickets

> Emotional malnutrition

> Resignation

>

> Lack of understanding

> Absence of anger

> Certitude of beeing guilty

>

> Not to be loved

> Intense grief

> Unsurmontable

>

> Unknown father

>

> Melancoly

> Withdrawal into once's shell

> Solitary child

>

> Then resigned

> Feeling unworthy

> To be loved

>

> Absent father

>

>

> Loss of self-confidence

> And of confidence in others

> Low self-esteem

>

> Need of self-punishment

> And of sufferings

> We well desserved it

>

> Necessity to be perfect

> Extrem kindness

> Vulnerability

>

> Borderline mother

>

> Discouragement

> It is never enough

> Feelings of beeing worthless

>

> Life in couple

> Spouse silimar to the mother

> Despair

>

> Submitted adult

> Incapable of defending herself

> Feelings of not existing

>

> Separation

> Fragmented life

> Repeted failures

>

> Deceased father

>

> Fear of abandonment

> Family rejection

> Withdrawal into once's shell

>

> Desert

>

> Natacha DASZKEl,

> June 7th 2012.

>

>

> Inner

> little girl child

>

>

> Inner

> little girl child

> Who

> is so scared

> Eager

> of cuddles

> Only

> meeting coldness

>

>

> Distant

> mother

> Full

> of rancour

>

>

> I

> have to make myself very little

> To

> be well-behaved, always very well behaved

> And

> transparent

> Not

> to take the spotlight away from her

>

>

> Invisible

> and docile

> Not

> ready to fight

> She

> empeached me to protect myself

> To

> better anihilate me

>

>

> I

> should not make myself noticed

> Or

> she will become angry

> Little

> doll seated who smiles

> Always

>

>

> Her

> sickened jealousy

> Has

> emprisonned me

> In

> a spider web

>

>

> To

> stay lifeless

> Most

> of all, not to shine

>

>

> Always

> to be this docile little girl

> Not

> to be over her

> To

> dissimulate my talents

> To

> renounce to myself

>

>

> The

> chrysalis is too little

> It

> is cracking

> Like

> the Snow White mother-in-law

> She

> is boiling with rage

>

>

> The

> sanction doesn't delay

> Confined

> to isolation

> Cut

> from my roots

> Expensively

> won freedom

>

>

> First

> fly

> My

> wings are still fragile

> Lack

> of markers

>

>

> Will

> the flower bud

> Manage

> to blossom�?

>

> Inner

> little girl child

> Always

> here

> Consumed

> by fear

> Of

> daring to exist.

>

>

> Natacha

> DASZKEL

> Le 7

> Juin 2012.

>

> Take all very good care of yourselves !

> Dare to be yourselves ! Each of you is unique ! Each of you is a wonderful

person ! Dare to shine your inner beauty !

>

> Natacha

>

>