Guest guest Posted June 26, 2012 Report Share Posted June 26, 2012 Hi everyone I was wondering how many of us have insecure attachment issues and are those issues effecting our parenting due to our unrole model nadas and fadas. I have been researching after I read a paragraph on surviving a BPD parent and the correlations are astounding to say the least. The best way to explain it is " what came first? The chicken or the egg? I found that my children are exhibiting some behaviours in the cycle and I'm now learning to break that as well as deal with Nada who lives with me and assertion and the intimacy issues and my low self esteem and my depression. Wow when Mal said she " Did a good job on me " Now I am really beginning to understand what he means. I was looking at survivor stories of children that were abused and neglected and in reading them I was ticking off in my head the characteristics of a BPD parent or a NPD parent it's so astounding to me that this affective disorder has been prevalent in our society since at least the 1930's and it was never considered a mental illness in the DSM 5 until the 80's. When people ask what is wrong with the children of today maybe we should look at our familial history for those answers. Anyway I thought I'd share. Knowledge is power after all. Love Lou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2012 Report Share Posted June 26, 2012 I found the book " A History of Childhood: Children and Childhood in the West from Medieval to Modern Times " by Colin Heywood a fascinating read. In earlier times, children were basically considered property, and could be traded for goods and exchanged with other families (fostered out) and never mind if it was in the child's best interest or not. Infants were often fostered out to " milk nurses " until they were old enough to be weaned, so they didn't even know their own parents until about their first birthday or so. At some points in history children didn't even receive a name until they'd passed their first birthday, because infants were so likely to die in their first year. Once a child was potty trained and could walk unaided, the child was dressed as a miniature adult and put to work to learn the family business or work the family farm, and earn their keep. Upper class boys or sons of the nobility would get some schooling, but it wasn't considered really necessary for girl children to learn to read or write prior to the 1800's. Little girls were often given in marriage to adult men as soon as they hit puberty and would have a couple of kids already by 16 or so. (Think " Romeo and tte " .) Laws requiring children to be educated (public schools) and laws prohibiting children from working are an even more recent development. Even the concept of " childhood " as a special time of life, the idea that there should be special clothes just for children (as opposed to just miniature adult clothes), special books and education for children, and " child development " study is really fairly recent, like, mid 1800's and later. In earlier eras, its as though " attachment/bonding " between a mother and child or a father and child didn't even exist! To me, after reading this book, its amazing to me that the concept of humane treatment for animals and children has evolved AT ALL, let alone as much as it has in the last 150 years or so. The book gave me the impression that children until very recently were considered to be not-quite-human creatures slightly more intelligent than a dog, but which needed to be " broken " (or tamed: breaking the will like a horse is broken in for riding) in order to " civilize " them and make them productive, obedient citizens. Its not difficult to see how severe emotional trauma and emotional disorders could result from such shockingly misguided, severe, even brutal attitudes and parenting styles. -Annie > > Hi everyone I was wondering how many of us have insecure attachment issues and are those issues effecting our parenting due to our unrole model nadas and fadas. I have been researching after I read a paragraph on surviving a BPD parent and the correlations are astounding to say the least. The best way to explain it is " what came first? The chicken or the egg? > I found that my children are exhibiting some behaviours in the cycle and I'm now learning to break that as well as deal with Nada who lives with me and assertion and the intimacy issues and my low self esteem and my depression. Wow when Mal said she " Did a good job on me " Now I am really beginning to understand what he means. > I was looking at survivor stories of children that were abused and neglected and in reading them I was ticking off in my head the characteristics of a BPD parent or a NPD parent it's so astounding to me that this affective disorder has been prevalent in our society since at least the 1930's and it was never considered a mental illness in the DSM 5 until the 80's. When people ask what is wrong with the children of today maybe we should look at our familial history for those answers. > Anyway I thought I'd share. Knowledge is power after all. > Love Lou > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2012 Report Share Posted June 26, 2012 Wow Annie I think I should take my statement back and state that it has been happening since Adam wore a fig leaf. I guess I wonder who was the originator that had the insight to say our children get effected by us. Nada would call them the do gooders of society however thats precisely the point isn't it they have done good. These people who research this stuff and make it their lifes work are helping me figure out this maze that my Nada has had me in until now. Thank god for those bread crumbs and the that spool of thread otherwise I fear where I would be at now if not for them Lou ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wednesday, 27 June 2012 11:47 AM Subject: Re: Attachment issues  I found the book " A History of Childhood: Children and Childhood in the West from Medieval to Modern Times " by Colin Heywood a fascinating read. In earlier times, children were basically considered property, and could be traded for goods and exchanged with other families (fostered out) and never mind if it was in the child's best interest or not. Infants were often fostered out to " milk nurses " until they were old enough to be weaned, so they didn't even know their own parents until about their first birthday or so. At some points in history children didn't even receive a name until they'd passed their first birthday, because infants were so likely to die in their first year. Once a child was potty trained and could walk unaided, the child was dressed as a miniature adult and put to work to learn the family business or work the family farm, and earn their keep. Upper class boys or sons of the nobility would get some schooling, but it wasn't considered really necessary for girl children to learn to read or write prior to the 1800's. Little girls were often given in marriage to adult men as soon as they hit puberty and would have a couple of kids already by 16 or so. (Think " Romeo and tte " .) Laws requiring children to be educated (public schools) and laws prohibiting children from working are an even more recent development. Even the concept of " childhood " as a special time of life, the idea that there should be special clothes just for children (as opposed to just miniature adult clothes), special books and education for children, and " child development " study is really fairly recent, like, mid 1800's and later. In earlier eras, its as though " attachment/bonding " between a mother and child or a father and child didn't even exist! To me, after reading this book, its amazing to me that the concept of humane treatment for animals and children has evolved AT ALL, let alone as much as it has in the last 150 years or so. The book gave me the impression that children until very recently were considered to be not-quite-human creatures slightly more intelligent than a dog, but which needed to be " broken " (or tamed: breaking the will like a horse is broken in for riding) in order to " civilize " them and make them productive, obedient citizens. Its not difficult to see how severe emotional trauma and emotional disorders could result from such shockingly misguided, severe, even brutal attitudes and parenting styles. -Annie > > Hi everyone I was wondering how many of us have insecure attachment issues and are those issues effecting our parenting due to our unrole model nadas and fadas. I have been researching after I read a paragraph on surviving a BPD parent and the correlations are astounding to say the least. The best way to explain it is " what came first? The chicken or the egg? > I found that my children are exhibiting some behaviours in the cycle and I'm now learning to break that as well as deal with Nada who lives with me and assertion and the intimacy issues and my low self esteem and my depression. Wow when Mal said she " Did a good job on me " Now I am really beginning to understand what he means. > I was looking at survivor stories of children that were abused and neglected and in reading them I was ticking off in my head the characteristics of a BPD parent or a NPD parent it's so astounding to me that this affective disorder has been prevalent in our society since at least the 1930's and it was never considered a mental illness in the DSM 5 until the 80's. When people ask what is wrong with the children of today maybe we should look at our familial history for those answers. > Anyway I thought I'd share. Knowledge is power after all. > Love Lou > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 Hi Lou, a book was recently recommended on this board and I ordered it: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find and Keep Love (Levine/Heller). You may not exactly be looking for a love partner right now, but inside this book are helpful pop quizzes and explanations of the various attachment styles. I had an aha moment when reading that Avoidant attachment styles are most prevalent in the " available dates and friends " pool out there. It made instant sense to me because the " love 'em and leave 'em " types are always pretty much available (except when they're momentarily busy taking their latest friend or lover for a whirlwind ride.) They offer commonsense advice for people with " secure " attachment styles to navigate these people and find other " secure " people to form attachments with. The way the info was presented in this book was fresh and new to me and clarified a lot. I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for, but you can go on Amazon and " look inside this book " for free. I ordered the book used for a few dollars and it's in perfectly good shape with a clean book jacket. Best, AFB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 Thank you AFB I will check that book out. It sounds good. The more knowledge the better. Lou ------------------------------ >Hi Lou, a book was recently recommended on this board and I ordered it: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find and Keep Love (Levine/Heller). You may not exactly be looking for a love partner right now, but inside this book are helpful pop quizzes and explanations of the various attachment styles. I had an aha moment when reading that Avoidant attachment styles are most prevalent in the " available dates and friends " pool out there. It made instant sense to me because the " love 'em and leave 'em " types are always pretty much available (except when they're momentarily busy taking their latest friend or lover for a whirlwind ride.) They offer commonsense advice for people with " secure " attachment styles to navigate these people and find other " secure " people to form attachments with. > >The way the info was presented in this book was fresh and new to me and clarified a lot. I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for, but you can go on Amazon and " look inside this book " for free. I ordered the book used for a few dollars and it's in perfectly good shape with a clean book jacket. >Best, >AFB > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 wow, I think I need that book too.....I had an aha moment just reading the post, and thinking back to my single years, and why I've been married twice and why I chose the men I did....hmmm....I knew nada was the reason for my first marriage, but never connected the lines to being the reason for my relationships after that. Thanks afb! > > Hi Lou, a book was recently recommended on this board and I ordered it: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help you Find and Keep Love (Levine/Heller). You may not exactly be looking for a love partner right now, but inside this book are helpful pop quizzes and explanations of the various attachment styles. I had an aha moment when reading that Avoidant attachment styles are most prevalent in the " available dates and friends " pool out there. It made instant sense to me because the " love 'em and leave 'em " types are always pretty much available (except when they're momentarily busy taking their latest friend or lover for a whirlwind ride.) They offer commonsense advice for people with " secure " attachment styles to navigate these people and find other " secure " people to form attachments with. > > The way the info was presented in this book was fresh and new to me and clarified a lot. I don't know if this is exactly what you're looking for, but you can go on Amazon and " look inside this book " for free. I ordered the book used for a few dollars and it's in perfectly good shape with a clean book jacket. > Best, > AFB > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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