Absolute nada behavior

[Guest guest]

So, our daughter nearly lost her baby last week due to bleeding (placenta

previa). They managed to get things under control but she's on full bed rest for

as long as possible. Her husband is not too helpful. But that's another story.

I'm feeling stressed about my " little girl. "

Yesterday I did my nada visit. Had to run errands, take her dog to the vet, etc.

The vet visit went OK. I carried the dog in, handled the paperwork, the vet

explained things to me while nada sat there like a queen. I even had to take out

the money from her purse to pay the bill. I gathered up the fancy dog food. When

it was time to leave, nada acted so helpless and put her hand out for the vet to

help her stand up (I had my arms full of chubby dog). Now this is a woman that

will bend over and pick up this chubby dog, go outside and scrub the poop off

the concrete doggy yard. But she wanted the vet to help her stand. As we were

leaving, the receptionist smiled and said to nada, " Isn't it nice that your

daughter is so helpful. " My nada looked at her with her nose in the air,

shrugged her shoulder and said, " Eh. " And away we went.

Any wonder I don't have a lot of self confidence?

[Guest guest]

If your mother is capable of getting around on her own, why are you driving to

the vet? Is she not able to drive?

I'm sorry about your DD, that is a very scary situation for both her and your

grandchild to be in. I'm glad they caught the PP before labor started because it

is so very dangerous. I know someone who did lose her baby because of that. Very

sad.

Do what you need to do to look after you and your DD right now. Your Queen will

figure out a way to manage.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I agree; it would be one thing to lavish such kindnesses and do such sweet

favors for your nada if she actually appreciated it, and showed her appreciation

to you (in which case she would not be a " nada. " )

But your nada seems to feel entitled to have special treatment from you, seems

to expect you to do things for her that she could do for herself, and yet she

apparently actually sneers at you as you are helping her. (How like my nada

was; whenever Sister or I helped our nada we were not doing it " right. " )

It would be one thing to give nada some attention if she were bedridden or ill

(or to keep an eye on her care-giving environment/her hired care-giver) but your

nada seems to be relatively healthy.

It would be one thing to spend time catering to nada if your daughter were *not*

(temporarily) bedridden due to her pregnancy, which makes you anxious and makes

you want to spend time with your daughter helping her out (if you live near each

other and that's possible.)

But none of those scenarios are in play, it would seem. Instead, its the

opposite.

I guess I'm saying that it sounds to me like you may be starting to stretch

yourself too thin, and for the sake of your own health and emotional well-being

maybe consider cutting back on how much time you spend doing favors for your

nada. Just an option to consider.

I hope your daughter's pregnancy is now stabilized and she will have a smooth

delivery and a happy, healthy baby.

-Annie

>

> If your mother is capable of getting around on her own, why are you driving to

the vet? Is she not able to drive?

>

> I'm sorry about your DD, that is a very scary situation for both her and your

grandchild to be in. I'm glad they caught the PP before labor started because it

is so very dangerous. I know someone who did lose her baby because of that. Very

sad.

>

> Do what you need to do to look after you and your DD right now. Your Queen

will figure out a way to manage.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

Sveta and Anuria: thank you both for the responses.

My nada does not drive (thank goodness). It's hard to tell what's real and what

isn't with her. She complains constantly about her health yet every doctor she

sees says they can't find anything wrong with her. When she goes to ER, they

find nothing wrong with her, at least physically. It's mentally that she appears

to be slipping.

She doesn't follow even simple directions, doesn't understand the mail that

comes in. She claims she can't see well and that's her excuse. Again, her eye

doctor says her eyes are fine. So I think it's her brain not comprehending but

she uses her eyes as an excuse. She's going back to the eye doctor next month. .

.. . again.

Most of the time I stand back and try not to get involved when we're in public

but then she does that voice and says, " Irene - kommen. You need to listen to

this because I won't remember. " or " I can't see what they're doing (like

counting out her money at the bank). " Same in a restaurant, she claims she can't

see the menu and expects us to read things to her. I could make a scene in

public, tell her to do it herself but that makes me uncomfortable too. In public

she plays the very frail, unstable old lady role. People glare at me if I don't

hold her arm or help her step up a curb. But I know better. It's all BS. If

people don't like it, they can hold her arm and sometimes they do. I remember 4

years ago in the lawyer's office, my mom was playing that role and the lawyer

snapped at me, " Help your Mom! " I wanted to tell the lawyer to shove it.

Today my hubby and I want to go to a Lavender Festival. But inside I'm stressed

thinking that today I usually call her and what if we stay too long? Is she

going to be a bitch and be angry? Is she going to snap at me because I didn't

call yesterday and give her an update about our daughter? I told her I'd let her

know if anything changed which it hasn't. But she keeps thinking/semi-accusing

me of leaving town, somebody dying, whatever and not telling her. That's

something she would do, I wouldn't. And no matter how often I tell her I

wouldn't act that way, she still pulls this crap.

I have to let this fear in me loose and try to enjoy the day. Will I ever be

free?

>

> If your mother is capable of getting around on her own, why are you driving to

the vet? Is she not able to drive?

>

> I'm sorry about your DD, that is a very scary situation for both her and your

grandchild to be in. I'm glad they caught the PP before labor started because it

is so very dangerous. I know someone who did lose her baby because of that. Very

sad.

>

> Do what you need to do to look after you and your DD right now. Your Queen

will figure out a way to manage.

>

> Sveta

>

[Guest guest]

My nada was similar in that once she stopped driving, she refused to call a

cab, ever, and did not like taking a bus and basically wouldn't. If she

couldn't get a friend, neighbor or relative to take her somewhere, or Sister,

(or me, if I was visiting her part of the country) then she wouldn't go out.

What was grating was that she seemed to feel entitled to have friends, relatives

and neighbors do her this favor; she never even offered to pay for gasoline

until Sister and I made a point of reminding her over and over that she needed

to do that if she wanted people to continue to kindly offer her rides. Once the

senile dementia became clearly evident, nada's care needs changed. Sister (with

my agreement) gained power of attorney over our nada and relocated nada to a

nice residential care facility with an Alzheimer's wing.

Possibly your nada is at the beginning stages of dementia (?) and will need to

have 24/7 care, at which point hopefully you can do like we did and relocate

your nada into a nice assisted living or nursing care home. Once my nada had

24/7 supervision, it massively reduced Sister's stress. Sister could just visit

our nada as a daughter, not relate to her as a nurse or care-giver.

-Annie

> >

> > If your mother is capable of getting around on her own, why are you driving

to the vet? Is she not able to drive?

> >

> > I'm sorry about your DD, that is a very scary situation for both her and

your grandchild to be in. I'm glad they caught the PP before labor started

because it is so very dangerous. I know someone who did lose her baby because of

that. Very sad.

> >

> > Do what you need to do to look after you and your DD right now. Your Queen

will figure out a way to manage.

> >

> > Sveta

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like my nada. Unless I take her, she won't go out. She tried the elder

bus service but complained about the noise and how long it took. And they come

right to her door. Hates the cab although she did take it once. And so it goes.

I do think she's developing dementia but no one at her doctor's office sees a

problem. I keep hoping for that one event that will prove that she shouldn't be

living on her own. I thought going out at night in her underwear to check for

the newspaper was pretty good but no one saw her. Darn!

Is it just me or has the format changed drastically today? I have subject, a

number (1a, 1b, etc) and nothing else showing. Looks rather strange.

>

> My nada was similar in that once she stopped driving, she refused to call a

cab, ever, and did not like taking a bus and basically wouldn't. If she

couldn't get a friend, neighbor or relative to take her somewhere, or Sister,

(or me, if I was visiting her part of the country) then she wouldn't go out.

What was grating was that she seemed to feel entitled to have friends, relatives

and neighbors do her this favor; she never even offered to pay for gasoline

until Sister and I made a point of reminding her over and over that she needed

to do that if she wanted people to continue to kindly offer her rides. Once the

senile dementia became clearly evident, nada's care needs changed. Sister (with

my agreement) gained power of attorney over our nada and relocated nada to a

nice residential care facility with an Alzheimer's wing.

>

> Possibly your nada is at the beginning stages of dementia (?) and will need to

have 24/7 care, at which point hopefully you can do like we did and relocate

your nada into a nice assisted living or nursing care home. Once my nada had

24/7 supervision, it massively reduced Sister's stress. Sister could just visit

our nada as a daughter, not relate to her as a nurse or care-giver.

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada stopped driving and sold her car for $50 last year,

after deciding that she had Alzheimers. (She may or may not have

a problem with forgetting things, but she has NOT been diagnosed

with Alzheimers at all and I get the impression that the

neurologist thinks that the large number of medications she

takes is the cause of her supposed memory problems.) I was

expecting her to be constantly whining to me about need rides

but for the most part that hasn't happened. (She does call me

for rides, often at the last minute, but far less often than I

feared.) She got herself a pass that lets her ride the local

buses for free and she actually seems to like doing so. I think

there are two reasons she's enjoying taking the bus. One is that

she meets new " friends " on the bus. When you get angry at or

scare off all of your old friends yet crave having people to

feed your emotional needs, finding new people to talk to is

important. And second, I think she's soliciting sympathy from

people over having to take the bus because she " has Alzheimers " .

If your nada is no longer really capable of living alone, I hope

something happens that causes her to get the help she needs

before something terrible happens. I find it somewhat ironic

that my nada pretends to suffer from dementia while so many

people who do have it pretend they don't.

At 11:34 AM 06/28/2012 IreneM wrote:

>Sounds like my nada. Unless I take her, she won't go out. She

>tried the elder bus service but complained about the noise and

>how long it took. And they come right to her door. Hates the

>cab although she did take it once. And so it goes.

>

>I do think she's developing dementia but no one at her doctor's

>office sees a problem. I keep hoping for that one event that

>will prove that she shouldn't be living on her own. I thought

>going out at night in her underwear to check for the newspaper

>was pretty good but no one saw her. Darn!

>

>Is it just me or has the format changed drastically today? I

>have subject, a number (1a, 1b, etc) and nothing else showing.

>Looks rather strange.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

The format hasn't changed on my computer screen, so, I don't know.

I suggest you start keeping track of things that your nada does that seem out of

touch with reality. My nada began wandering around outside at night, to bury

her belongings on the grounds of the apartment complex she lived in (so that the

circus people she was hallucinating couldn't come through the walls and steal

her stuff.) It took a few months of such behaviors, along with other incidents

that alarmed her neighbors, before my nada was deemed a danger to herself and

others and was officially diagnosed with senile dementia. That diagnosis

enabled my Sister to acquire legal responsibility for our nada and have her

relocated to the residential care home for her own safety. Once they begin

wandering around they can easily become lost, wander into traffic or get mugged,

etc.

So, keeping a record would be a good idea, in my opinion, so you can give her

doctor a better idea of when the behaviors start/started.

-Annie

> >

> > My nada was similar in that once she stopped driving, she refused to call a

cab, ever, and did not like taking a bus and basically wouldn't. If she

couldn't get a friend, neighbor or relative to take her somewhere, or Sister,

(or me, if I was visiting her part of the country) then she wouldn't go out.

What was grating was that she seemed to feel entitled to have friends, relatives

and neighbors do her this favor; she never even offered to pay for gasoline

until Sister and I made a point of reminding her over and over that she needed

to do that if she wanted people to continue to kindly offer her rides. Once the

senile dementia became clearly evident, nada's care needs changed. Sister (with

my agreement) gained power of attorney over our nada and relocated nada to a

nice residential care facility with an Alzheimer's wing.

> >

> > Possibly your nada is at the beginning stages of dementia (?) and will need

to have 24/7 care, at which point hopefully you can do like we did and relocate

your nada into a nice assisted living or nursing care home. Once my nada had

24/7 supervision, it massively reduced Sister's stress. Sister could just visit

our nada as a daughter, not relate to her as a nurse or care-giver.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

UGH!!!!! That is such familiar behavior to me I cringed when I read it. Such

annoying, frustrating, infuriating behavior!!!!

I am sorry to hear about your dtr's placenta previa. How stressful and scary. I

will send positive thoughts and prayers your way.

>

> So, our daughter nearly lost her baby last week due to bleeding (placenta

previa). They managed to get things under control but she's on full bed rest for

as long as possible. Her husband is not too helpful. But that's another story.

I'm feeling stressed about my " little girl. "

>

> Yesterday I did my nada visit. Had to run errands, take her dog to the vet,

etc. The vet visit went OK. I carried the dog in, handled the paperwork, the vet

explained things to me while nada sat there like a queen. I even had to take out

the money from her purse to pay the bill. I gathered up the fancy dog food. When

it was time to leave, nada acted so helpless and put her hand out for the vet to

help her stand up (I had my arms full of chubby dog). Now this is a woman that

will bend over and pick up this chubby dog, go outside and scrub the poop off

the concrete doggy yard. But she wanted the vet to help her stand. As we were

leaving, the receptionist smiled and said to nada, " Isn't it nice that your

daughter is so helpful. " My nada looked at her with her nose in the air,

shrugged her shoulder and said, " Eh. " And away we went.

>

> Any wonder I don't have a lot of self confidence?

>