New member - New story: More on emotional fallout of BPD mom

Posted June 26, 2012 · June 26, 2012

Hi all - New member here. I have posted once or twice last week under my real

name but thought it better to have an alias just in case...

(previous posts about sad angry bpd mom/sweet dad/guilt after his passing)

My main issue is with the uncontrollable welling up with tears during any

emotionally charged issue. This happens at semi-normal hot issues..heated

discussions with husband, etc, but also with my teenage daughters when they come

at me with their normal teenage meanness, work collegues/bosses (confronting me

with some kind of criticism), ladyfriends while talking about personal issues,

the frigging UPS guy...So super annoying and debilitating. It sucks all my power

away. I turn into such a pile of mush and I hate it! I gather this comes from

not feeling understood or not being able to trust people when feeling exposed or

confronted. Not being listened to, etc. Feeling betrayed when nada would twist

things that I said in confidence to fit her own messed up account of things

because she doesn't trust anyone.

I have to say how exhillarating this is to have come across this vat of

invaluable tools to now move forward, but how can I, now that I know where it

comes from , work on not having this happen? How can I get this power back. Is

it just practice?

I started meditating a couple of years ago, which is fantastic, but when nada

played/plays her games with me (mostly sad and crying now/nice nice

wonderful/occasionally evil blamey and wants to sever ties) it still went in

deep, like an injury. I had a therapist who helped me put up the bounderies, but

never made the connection to BPD so there was still a huge part of me that took

it personally. Until now - thank god!!!!

But the tears are still very near the surface. Do you all know any exercises to

do or meditations (I like the pet love meditation - great!) to repeat, that can

produce strength? I couldn't figure out for the life of me, why, at 50, I felt

like a little dumb girl in all these situations. So...

With this new found BPD info, I have some great new things to work on, but the

tears is the biggest issue right now.

I do know that my mom is a way bigger pile of mush than I could ever imagine to

be. She feels so unloved, and always has. No matter how much consoling and

emotional support comes her way. She imagines the worst thing that anyone can

say, and makes it true by twisting what is said into the self fulfilling awful

but untrue story. The part in the Walking on Eggshells book about the BP

feeling like such a bad, unloved, piece of garbage, and so needing to be loved,

that they push the very people they need most out of their lives with their

insanity and projecting (my moms a pro with this), is so so true here. And so

sad. I do feel so sad for her, that she will never feel loved. And because I do

get some decent glimpses of her love and kindness, and sweet words of

encouragement, I know that she does love me with all her heart. Which is what

makes me so sad for her. (yes, welling up as I type here) Ugh. I'm not

depressed, thankfully, nor do I have too many of the other very negative

symptoms that have been stated in recent posts..but yes on the following:

-Conflict avoidance

-co-dependence/fixer

-other peoples moods are my responsibility (probably specifically feeling so sad

for mom, I guess - start with that?)

-fairly low self esteem

-a bit impulsive

Any help would be great though with the tears - that's by far the most visibly

debilitating and embarassing. I'll get to the other stuff in time with practice.

Thank you - and thank you all for sharing your stories. You have saved my

life!!

Lesley

Posted June 26, 2012 · June 26, 2012

Hi, twinmom...I have the same issue with emotions being so close to the

surface. Especially with any sort of criticism from bosses. I just feel

like a little kid again, about to get overly punished. It's taken me a

while to get to a point where I can handle short bursts of criticisms...but

not bosses who talk about the same thing for 15-20 minutes. Or any argument

that goes longer than a very short time.

My husband has learned to give me time to think things over before

continuing on with the day. Like if we're arguing while we walk...he gives

me a few minutes before we can pick up right where we left off, but more

positively.

I have a long way yet to go, but it has gotten better from where I used to

be. I'm not sure exactly what helped me...I know counseling helped to a

certain extent. It was nice being able to check my perceptions against what

the more 'typical' reaction would be with a counselor...and I've been able

to do likewise with friends. It's good to know it's not just me when I

think somebody is being unreasonable, and it's good to get a second and

third opinions on something that seems like the end of the world to me, but

is actually just one of those things most people let roll off their backs.

What has also helped are tips my therapist told me about how to deal with

anxiety. If somebody goes on and on and on about something little--count

how many times they say a certain word, tap my toes in my shoes, tap my

fingers against my legs...anything that occupies the mind *just* enough to

take some of the sting away, and give you time to think and gather the

emotional strength back. I think it's kind of like how some doctors

distract kids with something else before doing something painful. It's just

enough to keep their thoughts away from the pain...and easier for them to

go back to a " normal " state faster.

These things are helping me a little, so I cry perhaps once or twice a

week, instead of once or twice a day. It's a continual process, but I hope

some of the tips help you And welcome!

> **

>

> Hi all - New member here. I have posted once or twice last week under my

> real name but thought it better to have an alias just in case...

> (previous posts about sad angry bpd mom/sweet dad/guilt after his passing)

>

> My main issue is with the uncontrollable welling up with tears during any

> emotionally charged issue. This happens at semi-normal hot issues..heated

> discussions with husband, etc, but also with my teenage daughters when they

> come at me with their normal teenage meanness, work collegues/bosses

> (confronting me with some kind of criticism), ladyfriends while talking

> about personal issues, the frigging UPS guy...So super annoying and

> debilitating. It sucks all my power away. I turn into such a pile of mush

> and I hate it! I gather this comes from not feeling understood or not being

> able to trust people when feeling exposed or confronted. Not being listened

> to, etc. Feeling betrayed when nada would twist things that I said in

> confidence to fit her own messed up account of things because she doesn't

> trust anyone.

>

> I have to say how exhillarating this is to have come across this vat of

> invaluable tools to now move forward, but how can I, now that I know where

> it comes from , work on not having this happen? How can I get this power

> back. Is it just practice?

>

> I started meditating a couple of years ago, which is fantastic, but when

> nada played/plays her games with me (mostly sad and crying now/nice nice

> wonderful/occasionally evil blamey and wants to sever ties) it still went

> in deep, like an injury. I had a therapist who helped me put up the

> bounderies, but never made the connection to BPD so there was still a huge

> part of me that took it personally. Until now - thank god!!!!

>

> But the tears are still very near the surface. Do you all know any

> exercises to do or meditations (I like the pet love meditation - great!) to

> repeat, that can produce strength? I couldn't figure out for the life of

> me, why, at 50, I felt like a little dumb girl in all these situations.

> So...

>

> With this new found BPD info, I have some great new things to work on, but

> the tears is the biggest issue right now.

>

> I do know that my mom is a way bigger pile of mush than I could ever

> imagine to be. She feels so unloved, and always has. No matter how much

> consoling and emotional support comes her way. She imagines the worst thing

> that anyone can say, and makes it true by twisting what is said into the

> self fulfilling awful but untrue story. The part in the Walking on

> Eggshells book about the BP feeling like such a bad, unloved, piece of

> garbage, and so needing to be loved, that they push the very people they

> need most out of their lives with their insanity and projecting (my moms a

> pro with this), is so so true here. And so sad. I do feel so sad for her,

> that she will never feel loved. And because I do get some decent glimpses

> of her love and kindness, and sweet words of encouragement, I know that she

> does love me with all her heart. Which is what makes me so sad for her.

> (yes, welling up as I type here) Ugh. I'm not depressed, thankfully, nor do

> I have too many of the other very negative symptoms that have been stated

> in recent posts..but yes on the following:

> -Conflict avoidance

> -co-dependence/fixer

> -other peoples moods are my responsibility (probably specifically feeling

> so sad for mom, I guess - start with that?)

> -fairly low self esteem

> -a bit impulsive

>

> Any help would be great though with the tears - that's by far the most

> visibly debilitating and embarassing. I'll get to the other stuff in time

> with practice.

> Thank you - and thank you all for sharing your stories. You have saved my

> life!!

> Lesley

>

Posted June 26, 2012 · June 26, 2012

(((((Lesley))))) (that is a virtual hug for you)

Tears are not showing weakness, they show that you have the capacity to feel

real human empathy and compassion. You are not " using " tears as manipulative

tools (like a nada would) you actually feel sad for someone else's pain, or you

feel hurt yourself, or overwhelmed, or even angry, and those are real, healthyl

emotions.

Sometimes anger comes out as tears, particularly when we were forbidden to

express our anger (even in a healthy way) by our personality-disordered parents.

That was the case with my own background; I was not allowed to express anger,

ever. I had to look happy all the time or risk triggering my nada into a rage.

She would interpret even neutral expressions on my face (when I was reading a

book) as me looking pissed off at her. For many years I did not have enough

connection with my own self to feel any emotion; I never cried and rarely

laughed. For whatever reason, maybe because nada moved 2K miles away from me, I

was eventually able to regain an emotional connection with my own self and now

sometimes anger comes out as tears, for me. But I am more able to be assertive

now, to just calmly but firmly stand up for myself, so that doesn't happen very

often.)

You can always take a " time out " , leave the room, let yourself cry a little, and

then center yourself and get back into the discussion or debate or whatever in a

few minutes.

Also, your real name is still appearing when you post; I think there is a way to

block your e-mail address from appearing when you post at the " Edit Membership "

page of Yahoo! Groups, if you want to be completely anonymous. Or you can

create a new anonymous e-mail address and re-join using that address.

-Annie

>

> Hi all - New member here. I have posted once or twice last week under my real