New to the group

[Guest guest]

I am new to this group and to online support groups in general. I am currently

reading Stop Walking on Eggshells in an effort to help better understand and

cope with my BPD mother. I am 27 years old and struggling to come to terms with

the current awful state of my relationship with mother while trying to set and

enforce some boundaries. My mother hasn't been given a formal BPD diagnosis but

in my our therapy work and reading it is apparent she exhibits the signs.

I live with my serious long term boyfriend and and working incredibly hard to

try and protect my relationship from my destructive mother. At times the guilt

and complete sense of disparity I feel toward my relationship with my mother

completely shuts me down and definitely affects my relationship. I'm struggling

to feel like I am forced to choose between my future family, my bf, and my past

family, my mother. I know setting boundaries and enforcing them is the key to

having any relationship with my mother but I'm stuck on feeling guilty for

hurting her, even though I feel hurt, manipulated, and taken advantage by her.

I'm reading these posts it seems like many people here have been working very

hard for very long, any advice for someone just starting out in this process and

trying to take her life back?

DS

[Guest guest]

Hi DS,

Welcome to the Group. Its truly wonderful that you have had this insight about

your mother's (highly likely) borderline pd condition at such a relatively young

age. It seems to take a great number of us into our 40s and 50s to finally gain

this understanding and actually accept it and act on it.

In my own opinion, a key component that will help you begin to set reasonable

adult boundaries with your mother is to realize and accept that *you are NOT

responsible for managing your mother's feelings for her.* Your mother's

feelings are her own to manage. She is an adult. Its not your job to be your

mother's mommy and make sure she is contented and entertained all the time.

It would seem that mothers with borderline pd do this a lot: they turn their own

children into their caretakers/parents in a complete reversal of roles. Its so

wrong to do that to your own child: to saddle your child with adult-level

feelings of responsibility for mommy's well-being, burdening the child with

inappropriate, misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility.

Its not your job. It was never your job. If your mother entered adulthood and

parenthood with unmet emotional needs, if she felt sad, scared, needy,

overwhelmed or lonely, or if she had anger-control issues, had a tendency to be

violent, or exploitative, etc., then it was HER RESPONSIBILITY AS THE ADULT to

get help, to get herself into therapy, not dump all her emotional issues on her

child and expect her child to solve her problems for her, then blame her child

when all her problems did not magically vanish in a sparkly fairy-tale

conclusion.

If you can take in that one concept and accept it, ( " I am NOT my mother's mommy;

her feelings are her own to carry and to manage " ) I think that will give you a

start on being able to set reasonable, healthy adult boundaries with your mother

without being swamped with misplaced and inappropriate feelings of guilt and

responsibility for her.

-Annie

>

> I am new to this group and to online support groups in general. I am

currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells in an effort to help better

understand and cope with my BPD mother. I am 27 years old and struggling to

come to terms with the current awful state of my relationship with mother while

trying to set and enforce some boundaries. My mother hasn't been given a formal

BPD diagnosis but in my our therapy work and reading it is apparent she exhibits

the signs.

>

> I live with my serious long term boyfriend and and working incredibly hard to

try and protect my relationship from my destructive mother. At times the guilt

and complete sense of disparity I feel toward my relationship with my mother

completely shuts me down and definitely affects my relationship. I'm struggling

to feel like I am forced to choose between my future family, my bf, and my past

family, my mother. I know setting boundaries and enforcing them is the key to

having any relationship with my mother but I'm stuck on feeling guilty for

hurting her, even though I feel hurt, manipulated, and taken advantage by her.

>

> I'm reading these posts it seems like many people here have been working very

hard for very long, any advice for someone just starting out in this process and

trying to take her life back?

>

> DS

>

[Guest guest]

Steelers, I'm in the same boat. I just found out what BPD was a few weeks ago,

and it's been life changing. My mom " thinks everything's okay now " too. It

isn't, of course. My dad is in lala land too, and all of my life I've been

encouraged to " try to get along with her better " by my family, when clearly she

was being abusive to me, and them as well. The FOG is lifting! I ordered three

of the most beautiful looking books I've ever seen, " Stop Walking on Eggshells, "

" Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother. "

Along with reading the posts in this group, it's like holding up a mirror to my

life to see it reflected back at me for the first time. Suddenly I'm not alone.

My suggestion is to read everything you can. That's what I'm doing! Then I'll...

figure it all out (what to do, that is)... I wish us all luck...

Emi

she thinks " everything's OK now " , when in

> reality, I don't want to see her, hear from her, or talk to her on the

> phone again. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do about my dad who is in

> la-la land thinking that my " strong willed nature " is part of the

> problem, and I just need to be more forgiving since she's my mother.

>

> I am open to any suggestions, and thank you for your imput.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome DS, So sorry you fit right in!

I totally relate to your posting about being a young adult and feeling like

you are torn between the two important relationships of your life. I went

through this for many years--shoot, hate to say--but am still rolling my eyes as

it continues and I am still hearing about the damage I did or he did or we did

to my Nada " early in the relationship. " " Early in the relationship " was about 18

yrs ago, just btw. If I could offer you advice, I would whole heartedly

encourage you to pursue your life, and open yourself up for love and a partner,

and embrace that life will be full of change as you grow and age.

Unfortunately, " management " is continual in life with a BPD. BPD people won't

change into having appropriate/desirable/normal behavior EVER, but will display

this behavior sometimes. I find that work on emotional management (mine),

behavior management (mine and hers), and the logistics of " family functions "

never ends. I fully embrace that I cannot change Nada's behavior, I can only

change mine and make decisions with my children in mind. (The are all toddlers.)

I wouldn't wish a Nada on anyone. Yes, it's unfair, difficult, repulsive,

exhausting, illogical, and sometimes really good. It is what it is, and only

what you make of it.

Best wishes,

[Guest guest]

I also am a newbie here and i can identify so very much with what you are saying

and feeling. I am also almost finished reading " walking on eggshells " I am

nervous but also excited to start using some of the techniques i have learned.

Im in a serious relationship as well and it is difficult when your parnter is

being supportive but also doesnt understand the life long dynamics at play

between you and your mother. I am fearful but mostly angry towards my mother

for her behavior and how i feel that she can control to a certain degree her

thought patterns and behavior. I feel like i am ALWAYS defending myself and my

right to have a life of my own. My mother has changed quite a bit from when i

was a child. She was more of the " Queen " type growing up and now is totally the

" Waif " and " Hermit " . Things are very difficult because I also have my

stepfather (who is a TERRIFIC man, but also an enabler) to work around and my

grandmother (who lives with them).

Somehow i ALWAYS come out the bad guy, the insensitive one, the mean one, all

because i stopped catering to her every need and started created my own adult

life for myself. I am always being told I abandoned her. ( i live 10 mins from

her and speak on the phone with her at least twice a day )

I am accepting the fact that i will never " win " and i will never be justified,

but it is a tough pill to swallow!!!!!! Thankfully my father (her ex) is very

supportive however he lives 5 hours away.

>

> I am new to this group and to online support groups in general. I am

currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells in an effort to help better

understand and cope with my BPD mother. I am 27 years old and struggling to

come to terms with the current awful state of my relationship with mother while

trying to set and enforce some boundaries. My mother hasn't been given a formal

BPD diagnosis but in my our therapy work and reading it is apparent she exhibits

the signs.

>

> I live with my serious long term boyfriend and and working incredibly hard to

try and protect my relationship from my destructive mother. At times the guilt

and complete sense of disparity I feel toward my relationship with my mother

completely shuts me down and definitely affects my relationship. I'm struggling

to feel like I am forced to choose between my future family, my bf, and my past

family, my mother. I know setting boundaries and enforcing them is the key to

having any relationship with my mother but I'm stuck on feeling guilty for

hurting her, even though I feel hurt, manipulated, and taken advantage by her.

>

> I'm reading these posts it seems like many people here have been working very

hard for very long, any advice for someone just starting out in this process and

trying to take her life back?

>

> DS

>

[Guest guest]

Annie

Thank you so much for your kind words. I do struggle with that very realization

that I'm not responsible for her feelings. I try to walk the line of being

true to how I feel in te moment but also not wanting to set my NADA off and

cause another emotional outrage. I haven't figured that balance out.

Although I constantly feel like my NADA eggs me in and purposely asks questions

that she knows with provoke me and set off another episode as I have come to

call them. In my own therapy work I am working on tryin to not take that bait

and rise above but it's difficult to constantly walk away from a

conversation or interaction feeling like I can't ever let my guard down or

ever have a real conversation with my NADA. I know it's a slow acceptance

but I'm so desperate at times to move the emotional turmoil that I often put

myself through. I need to learn to teach myself how to become ok and confident

in my choices that are separate

from hers. I guess one day at a time and one interaction at a time and

hopefully one day it will click for me.

Thanks again for the kind words.

DS

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your advice and your response. As an only child, I often feel

very alone in this situation and I know at times my relationship with my partner

has suffered, which makes me feel even worse. I have often thought about ending

our relationship to help free him from te situation and protect him. I never

decided to do that and I know that would not solve this problem. If I had to

choose, I know I'd choose him and my healthy, stable, supportive and

incredibly loving relationship that I am thankful for every day.

I know I'm struggling and it's a process but it has been an incredibly

sad and hard couple of years and I keep searching for some relief. I guess that

only comes with acceptance of who my NADA is and acceptance that I have to do

what is best for me even if that is hurtful to her. For as hurtful as she has

been to me, I am still very upset when she is hurt by me. I wish that I could

get over that because that is what holds me back in this process.

Thank you again for your response.

DS

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

I just want to thank you for this post. It's exactly what each and every one

of us needs to hear, new or not, every day until we are recovered, whatever that

means. I wish there was a way to pin it somewhere so it could always be found.

ET

> >

> > I am new to this group and to online support groups in general. I am

currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells in an effort to help better

understand and cope with my BPD mother. I am 27 years old and struggling to

come to terms with the current awful state of my relationship with mother while

trying to set and enforce some boundaries. My mother hasn't been given a formal

BPD diagnosis but in my our therapy work and reading it is apparent she exhibits

the signs.

> >

> > I live with my serious long term boyfriend and and working incredibly hard

to try and protect my relationship from my destructive mother. At times the

guilt and complete sense of disparity I feel toward my relationship with my

mother completely shuts me down and definitely affects my relationship. I'm

struggling to feel like I am forced to choose between my future family, my bf,

and my past family, my mother. I know setting boundaries and enforcing them is

the key to having any relationship with my mother but I'm stuck on feeling

guilty for hurting her, even though I feel hurt, manipulated, and taken

advantage by her.

> >

> > I'm reading these posts it seems like many people here have been working

very hard for very long, any advice for someone just starting out in this

process and trying to take her life back?

> >

> > DS

> >

>