Guest guest Posted June 27, 2012 Report Share Posted June 27, 2012 Good afternoon. This is my first time posting to the site. I am thankful to and for those of you who have shared your stories and experiences over the last month. Reading your posts has helped to normalize my experiences, and has given me comfort that I am not alone. I have silently empathized with all of you. I have recently been introduced to the idea that my nada is an undiagnosed BPD with HPD features. Just having a name for her disorder has offered relief. I have dealt with her by creating rigid boundaries, emotionally and geographically. I recently relocated to my hometown and thus I have had to reestablish my boundaries with her and the flying monkeys. For the past year I have been stuck on how she tries to rewrite events during my adolescence to a gentler version. After many arguments with her, I have decided I am no longer speaking to her about anything she brings up from the past. I will go as far as removing myself from her presence when she tries. I lived through my adolescence once and do not need to revisit it, especially with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be truthful. When my mother says she loves me, I don't know what that means as often her expressions of love were followed by anger. To hear her say she loves me now just brings anxiety as I brace myself for what is next. At this point, I no longer hate her. And I am over wishing the past was different. The month has been the best as I no longer have any hope she will ever admit she is the source of many of her problems and that she will seek meaningful change. I have given up hope that she will get any better than she is today. While initially sad, ultimately this has been liberating. My prayer now is that I get the healing I have needed for a long time so I can create and live a life filled with love, peace and joy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 dredging up the past and throwing it back in your face while also twisting the stories is a BIG BPD trait - my mother brings up thngs about me that arent true that she claimed happened in kindergarden. I am about to turn 45  and she is talking about when i was 5. She wishes death on relatives whom she claims said things to her 40 plus years ago - you need to just ignore her, move on as sad as it is that we are talking about your mother, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally but who instead is abusive and full of rage. BPDs are very sick people ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Wednesday, June 27, 2012 8:25 PM Subject: Given Up on NADA Changing  Good afternoon. This is my first time posting to the site. I am thankful to and for those of you who have shared your stories and experiences over the last month. Reading your posts has helped to normalize my experiences, and has given me comfort that I am not alone. I have silently empathized with all of you. I have recently been introduced to the idea that my nada is an undiagnosed BPD with HPD features. Just having a name for her disorder has offered relief. I have dealt with her by creating rigid boundaries, emotionally and geographically. I recently relocated to my hometown and thus I have had to reestablish my boundaries with her and the flying monkeys. For the past year I have been stuck on how she tries to rewrite events during my adolescence to a gentler version. After many arguments with her, I have decided I am no longer speaking to her about anything she brings up from the past. I will go as far as removing myself from her presence when she tries. I lived through my adolescence once and do not need to revisit it, especially with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be truthful. When my mother says she loves me, I don't know what that means as often her expressions of love were followed by anger. To hear her say she loves me now just brings anxiety as I brace myself for what is next. At this point, I no longer hate her. And I am over wishing the past was different. The month has been the best as I no longer have any hope she will ever admit she is the source of many of her problems and that she will seek meaningful change. I have given up hope that she will get any better than she is today. While initially sad, ultimately this has been liberating. My prayer now is that I get the healing I have needed for a long time so I can create and live a life filled with love, peace and joy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 Welcome to the Group Myreality, It sounds like you have a great deal of insight and have been able to set some good and reasonable boundaries with your bpd mother. It takes a great deal of courage to do that; its not easy at all. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you begin to heal from the emotional impact/injury of having been raised by a mother with bpd; sometimes when we finally are able to take in the whole picture that our own mother has a for-real mental illness, a personality disorder, the acceptance initiates a kind of grieving process for the normal, healthy mother/daughter relationship we yearned for as a child. If you allow yourself to grieve when you need to, as you need to, you will eventually pass through the grief. Again, welcome. It is comforting to have fellow travelers on our personal, individual journey to greater peace and healing, and to realize that you are not the only one who has experienced these things. -Annie > > Good afternoon. This is my first time posting to the site. I am thankful to and for those of you who have shared your stories and experiences over the last month. Reading your posts has helped to normalize my experiences, and has given me comfort that I am not alone. I have silently empathized with all of you. > > I have recently been introduced to the idea that my nada is an undiagnosed BPD with HPD features. Just having a name for her disorder has offered relief. I have dealt with her by creating rigid boundaries, emotionally and geographically. I recently relocated to my hometown and thus I have had to reestablish my boundaries with her and the flying monkeys. For the past year I have been stuck on how she tries to rewrite events during my adolescence to a gentler version. After many arguments with her, I have decided I am no longer speaking to her about anything she brings up from the past. I will go as far as removing myself from her presence when she tries. I lived through my adolescence once and do not need to revisit it, especially with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be truthful. > > When my mother says she loves me, I don't know what that means as often her expressions of love were followed by anger. To hear her say she loves me now just brings anxiety as I brace myself for what is next. At this point, I no longer hate her. And I am over wishing the past was different. The month has been the best as I no longer have any hope she will ever admit she is the source of many of her problems and that she will seek meaningful change. I have given up hope that she will get any better than she is today. While initially sad, ultimately this has been liberating. > > My prayer now is that I get the healing I have needed for a long time so I can create and live a life filled with love, peace and joy! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 It sounds like you've had a couple of real break-throughs in your thinking. Hoping that a nada will admit she that she has a problem or that she'll change for the better tends to get in the way of moving on with your life. It is sad to give up that hope, but I think it is necessary. Rewriting the past is one of my nada's favorite techniques for denying responsibility. I agree that removing yourself is a good way to handle it. In my nada's case, the rewriting is mostly to make other people the villains in her life rather than to make her own actions seem gentler. I guess she has to have something to tell people about why her marriages both failed. Making up stories with my father as the villain is better is much easier for her than remembering the truth. Either way, there's no point to trying to make a nada admit to reality. When my nada tells me she loves me, often in her little-girl voice, it makes me feel kind of sick. As far as I can tell what she actually means when she says " I love you " is " I want to continue using you and having you do what I ask " . The more she says it, the more I get suspicious that shes about to come out with some big request for me to do something or some admission that something has gotten screwed up and she can't fix it herself. I'm with you in not hating her and in not bothering to wish the past was different. For me, hating her would be a form of giving her power over me. It is also a very draining emotion that tends to corrupt all the other better emotions. Wishing the past had been other than what it was is pointless. Discussing the past to understand its effects and how to avoid making similar mistakes is useful but just dwelling on it and wishing it had been different often blocks people from dealing with what is happening now and what could happen in the future. When you spend too much time looking behind you it is hard to see what is in front of you. At 08:25 PM 06/27/2012 myreality67 wrote: >Good afternoon. This is my first time posting to the site. I >am thankful to and for those of you who have shared your >stories and experiences over the last month. Reading your >posts has helped to normalize my experiences, and has given me >comfort that I am not alone. I have silently empathized with >all of you. > >I have recently been introduced to the idea that my nada is an >undiagnosed BPD with HPD features. Just having a name for her >disorder has offered relief. I have dealt with her by creating >rigid boundaries, emotionally and geographically. I recently >relocated to my hometown and thus I have had to reestablish my >boundaries with her and the flying monkeys. For the past year >I have been stuck on how she tries to rewrite events during my >adolescence to a gentler version. After many arguments with >her, I have decided I am no longer speaking to her about >anything she brings up from the past. I will go as far as >removing myself from her presence when she tries. I lived >through my adolescence once and do not need to revisit it, >especially with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be >truthful. > >When my mother says she loves me, I don't know what that means >as often her expressions of love were followed by anger. To >hear her say she loves me now just brings anxiety as I brace >myself for what is next. At this point, I no longer hate >her. And I am over wishing the past was different. The month >has been the best as I no longer have any hope she will ever >admit she is the source of many of her problems and that she >will seek meaningful change. I have given up hope that she will >get any better than she is today. While initially sad, >ultimately this has been liberating. > >My prayer now is that I get the healing I have needed for a >long time so I can create and live a life filled with love, >peace and joy! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 I'm a few years older than you and my nada likes to bring up things that happened before I was born. I describe her as carrying around a mental bucket into which she throws all the real and imagined slights against her so that she can hold on to them and drag them out to admire them every so often. At 07:03 AM 06/28/2012 runnergirl828@... wrote: >dredging up the past and throwing it back in your face while >also twisting the stories is a BIG BPD trait - my mother brings >up thngs about me that arent true that she claimed happened in >kindergarden. I am about to turn 45 Â and she is talking about >when i was 5. She wishes death on relatives whom she claims >said things to her 40 plus years ago - you need to just ignore >her, move on as sad as it is that we are talking about your >mother, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally but >who instead is abusive and full of rage. BPDs are very sick >people -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 thats a great analogy. I have seen many people compliment my mother on her elephant-like memory. Unfortunately, what they don’t realize is that while she is reciting what they did or said back in 1972 she is also subconsciously reading them their Miranda Rights, “Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in my court of law.†The regurgitation of things that happened 20 – 30 and 40 years ago is her modus operandi. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2012 10:20 AM Subject: Re: Given Up on NADA Changing  I'm a few years older than you and my nada likes to bring up things that happened before I was born. I describe her as carrying around a mental bucket into which she throws all the real and imagined slights against her so that she can hold on to them and drag them out to admire them every so often. At 07:03 AM 06/28/2012 mailto:runnergirl828%40yahoo.com wrote: >dredging up the past and throwing it back in your face while >also twisting the stories is a BIG BPD trait - my mother brings >up thngs about me that arent true that she claimed happened in >kindergarden. I am about to turn 45 Â and she is talking about >when i was 5. She wishes death on relatives whom she claims >said things to her 40 plus years ago - you need to just ignore >her, move on as sad as it is that we are talking about your >mother, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally but >who instead is abusive and full of rage. BPDs are very sick >people -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 Just joined this group and am so glad I did. Reading this analogy and your response here makes me feel better if for no other reason than, I'm not the only fool who has to deal with this! Thank you!! ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2012 11:36 AM Subject: Re: Given Up on NADA Changing  thats a great analogy. I have seen many people compliment my mother on her elephant-like memory. Unfortunately, what they don’t realize is that while she is reciting what they did or said back in 1972 she is also subconsciously reading them their Miranda Rights, “Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in my court of law.†The regurgitation of things that happened 20 – 30 and 40 years ago is her modus operandi. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2012 10:20 AM Subject: Re: Given Up on NADA Changing  I'm a few years older than you and my nada likes to bring up things that happened before I was born. I describe her as carrying around a mental bucket into which she throws all the real and imagined slights against her so that she can hold on to them and drag them out to admire them every so often. At 07:03 AM 06/28/2012 mailto:runnergirl828%40yahoo.com wrote: >dredging up the past and throwing it back in your face while >also twisting the stories is a BIG BPD trait - my mother brings >up thngs about me that arent true that she claimed happened in >kindergarden. I am about to turn 45 Â and she is talking about >when i was 5. She wishes death on relatives whom she claims >said things to her 40 plus years ago - you need to just ignore >her, move on as sad as it is that we are talking about your >mother, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally but >who instead is abusive and full of rage. BPDs are very sick >people -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 I thing that is one of the hardest lessons of all for many of us. I was trained to rescue everyone and be responsible for everyone. I know that my nada has had what I call " moments of clarity " and she will admit that she is the cause of most of her own problems. It is uncanny, how clearly she sees herself in those moments. She will then, predictably, backpedal and make it everyone elses fault within a matter of days. That was always the hardest thing for me because it gave me hope that if she could see that, herself, then she could possibly do something about it, that she had the power to change her life. I have come to realize for my own sanity and peace of mind that I have to operate MY LIFE as if that will never happen and that she will likely get worse! (and take appropriate measures for that) I have spent enough time trying to puzzle out the workings of her twisted logic. Now I just try to focus on me and taking care of my son and that is good enough. I hope you continue to do well maintianing your boundaries now that you are closer to her. I have opted to keep my geological buffer zone, mostly cause where I am now is home and I really dislike the area I grew up in. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 Annie, Louise Katrina, CMeBFree, RunnerGirl 828, Thank you all for replying, and giving encouragement. As I operate in/ with this new awareness I also realize that my Step-NADA is NBPD, and my pre-NADA (Dad's first wife) is NPD. He has yet to respond to my questioning why he is attracted to high maintenance women. I can only think they are the complete opposite of his mother, both in appearance and personality. And, the hero likes to rescue/save the waif. Annie, thank you for your insight that insight can lead to grieving. Your response helped me to I realize I have been stuck in the first four stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression). It has only been recently that I have moved on to acceptance. Louise, thank you for your genuine supportiveness to the group. I recently told a cousin that I sometimes think I had it worse as everyone thought my mother was very supportive and loving, which is to say they had no clue to how she really could be. I have a friend that has told people I was a disrespectful & problem child and my NADA and step-FADA (who was abusive) had their hands full with me. All this because I would ask why or stick up for myself when I was lied on or worse. RunnerGirl828- TRUE THAT! My NADA and step-NADA can remember everyone else's wrong, perceived and real. If for some reason they have to admit a mistake they over exaggerate it then everyone has to sooth them. Shortly there after someone else's flaws are magnified and broadcasted. Katrina-- I have been her villain many times. I have set boundaries with the monkeys who I know so they no longer speak to me with her list. She is now turning to outsiders to share with them that I am holding a grudge. A pastor she met this weekend told her she should ask me if I know what forgiveness is. For that conversation to come up meant she was talking about me and played the waif extremely well. Whatever. I doubt that I will meet him. CMBFree- Very cool alias! I think as children of parents with a disorder we learn to rescue and self sooth at a young age or soon after the disorder developed. Ironically, I am the rescuer and my much younger brother is the polar opposite. I know realize I have to find healthier ways to sooth/ calm myself. To all- this site has truly been a God send! Every day I feel more at peace. There has been a heavy weight on my shoulder that I was accustom to having there. I can slowly feel it chipping away. > > Good afternoon. This is my first time posting to the site. I am thankful to and for those of you who have shared your stories and experiences over the last month. Reading your posts has helped to normalize my experiences, and has given me comfort that I am not alone. I have silently empathized with all of you. > > I have recently been introduced to the idea that my nada is an undiagnosed BPD with HPD features. Just having a name for her disorder has offered relief. I have dealt with her by creating rigid boundaries, emotionally and geographically. I recently relocated to my hometown and thus I have had to reestablish my boundaries with her and the flying monkeys. For the past year I have been stuck on how she tries to rewrite events during my adolescence to a gentler version. After many arguments with her, I have decided I am no longer speaking to her about anything she brings up from the past. I will go as far as removing myself from her presence when she tries. I lived through my adolescence once and do not need to revisit it, especially with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be truthful. > > When my mother says she loves me, I don't know what that means as often her expressions of love were followed by anger. To hear her say she loves me now just brings anxiety as I brace myself for what is next. At this point, I no longer hate her. And I am over wishing the past was different. The month has been the best as I no longer have any hope she will ever admit she is the source of many of her problems and that she will seek meaningful change. I have given up hope that she will get any better than she is today. While initially sad, ultimately this has been liberating. > > My prayer now is that I get the healing I have needed for a long time so I can create and live a life filled with love, peace and joy! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 28, 2012 Report Share Posted June 28, 2012 I would offer you a slightly different take. My mom died 3 years ago, come July 9th. She was in a psychotic break when she died. She never embraced true healing or change. Yet, I did not, and do not give up hope that they can change and heal. On the other hand, I did not put my life and my healing on hold waiting for her to do so. She did not make those hard choices. But there is always hope. I must believe that. Meantime, choose the hope and healing for yourself that you can. We have healing to do as well. My benediction on all of us KO s , for as long as I ve been part of this group, is May we all heal. Doug > > Good afternoon. This is my first time posting to the site. I am thankful to and for those of you who have shared your stories and experiences over the last month. Reading your posts has helped to normalize my experiences, and has given me comfort that I am not alone. I have silently empathized with all of you. > > I have recently been introduced to the idea that my nada is an undiagnosed BPD with HPD features. Just having a name for her disorder has offered relief. I have dealt with her by creating rigid boundaries, emotionally and geographically. I recently relocated to my hometown and thus I have had to reestablish my boundaries with her and the flying monkeys. For the past year I have been stuck on how she tries to rewrite events during my adolescence to a gentler version. After many arguments with her, I have decided I am no longer speaking to her about anything she brings up from the past. I will go as far as removing myself from her presence when she tries. I lived through my adolescence once and do not need to revisit it, especially with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be truthful. > > When my mother says she loves me, I don't know what that means as often her expressions of love were followed by anger. To hear her say she loves me now just brings anxiety as I brace myself for what is next. At this point, I no longer hate her. And I am over wishing the past was different. The month has been the best as I no longer have any hope she will ever admit she is the source of many of her problems and that she will seek meaningful change. I have given up hope that she will get any better than she is today. While initially sad, ultimately this has been liberating. > > My prayer now is that I get the healing I have needed for a long time so I can create and live a life filled with love, peace and joy! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 Welcome! You are so much further along in your healing and independence than I was when I first discovered BPD and this site! Hard work and great job! Keep it up! You are doing the right thing for yourself! When you have those weak moments, take a moment and share a cup of tea with me (well, at least my support and kudos that I offer!) I wish you strength in keeping your reason, calm, and protective boundaries! Again, welcome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2012 Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 How true. Mom blames so much on her mother, who died in 2004. I love the analogy of the bucket, that is so my mom, and I also love the analogy of her court of law. Both are so very true for my nada. The one that used to frustrate me beyond reason, and now I have chosen to just giggle to myself at the absurdity is the excuse she uses to eat just a few tablespoons of food at a meal, and not eat anything else all day, is " Mom had to stretch things between my and my five brothers. She'd make a box of Hamburger Helper feed us all. " I giggle thinking of my Grandma and the Hamburger Helper Hand in the kitchen, and the knowledge that nada's mom started a second family when she was 11. There were only three of them during most of my nada's life. And then, when was Hamburger Helper invented? I figure giggling to myself is probably the best I can do at this frequently admired memory she pulls from her pail!! Tina B. God Bless America!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2012 Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 BTW Hamburger Helper was introduced in 1971, my nada was 23. 'giggles' > > How true. Mom blames so much on her mother, who died in 2004. I love the analogy of the bucket, that is so my mom, and I also love the analogy of her court of law. Both are so very true for my nada. The one that used to frustrate me beyond reason, and now I have chosen to just giggle to myself at the absurdity is the excuse she uses to eat just a few tablespoons of food at a meal, and not eat anything else all day, is " Mom had to stretch things between my and my five brothers. She'd make a box of Hamburger Helper feed us all. " I giggle thinking of my Grandma and the Hamburger Helper Hand in the kitchen, and the knowledge that nada's mom started a second family when she was 11. There were only three of them during most of my nada's life. And then, when was Hamburger Helper invented? I figure giggling to myself is probably the best I can do at this frequently admired memory she pulls from her pail!! > > Tina B. > > God Bless America!! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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