can't fake your own death

[Guest guest]

I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own death

when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd share

my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be free?

In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way to

shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these days

where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive positions

for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and a stomach

for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to find you,

still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties? Well now

my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with myself if

I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by her but not

allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved after years and

years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

Lobster

[Guest guest]

The Dick Whitman thing is explained here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_Draper

>

> I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

>

> Lobster

>

[Guest guest]

Hey there Lobster, do you know about Grant Hall and his privacy book? I ordered

this book a few years ago and it was tremendously useful in giving nada and

company the slip. Hall is a leading expert on erasing that trail that stalkers

and nadas use to track their victims. Check Grant out:

http://www.privacycrisis.com/

AFB

>

> I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

>

> Lobster

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks AFB I'll check it out. I did do a lot of reading on privacy/disappearing

stuff a couple of years ago with different authors but I don't think I saw Grant

Hall's stuff. I don't really need to disappear, more just kind of " if only "

thing.

My post was more of just a....I wish things could have been completely different

and maybe if I'd been sharper when I was younger they could have been.

Lobster

> >

> > I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

> >

> > Lobster

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lobster, I had the exact same fantasy in my mid-twenties.

>

> I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

>

> Lobster

>

[Guest guest]

I am cracking up about the Dick Whitman comment!!! Thanks, I really needed that

today! I just started watching Mad Men so it's extra funny to me.

I feel your pain- I'm an only child too and had to " stick it out " until nada's

death.

What I have to say is this- you can still " do right " by nada and keep your

sanity. It's hard, because people will judge. You have to try to get past that.

Give what you can, and nothing more. Giving more will only result in you having

less to give. I got to the point where nada was dying and I had given so much

that I literally had NOTHING left. Just the simple act of holding her hand made

me physically ill. You can make sure she is taken care of physically- basic

needs met. You do not have to take care of her emotionally. That is NOT your

job. You do not OWE that to her. Remember- boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

The hardest part for me was dealing with nosy busybodies who had no idea about

her BPD, giving me their unsolicited advice about how I was handling things

wrong. That was really hard. But we know the truth. If someone can't understand

or is unwilling to support you, cut them out. Sounds ruthless but its necessary

for emotional survival.

>

> I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

>

> Lobster

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the great advice . I do see that trend happening to me, feeling

less and less able and willing to give in certain ways cause I already gave too

much. My nada puts on such a sweet and helpless face to others as well that it

probably is just inexplicable to them why I'm not there making everything okay

for her. Right now my problem is a relative who is there doing some things for

her who resents the hell out of doing it and blames me because I'm not there

taking care of things. She cannot imagine what it would do to me if I were

there locally. My nada refuses to hire services to meet her needs so then

somehow it is my fault she has all these needs? Gah.

Lobster

> >

> > I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

> >

> > Lobster

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh that is so so familiar! When nada had cancer I had a cousin and a neighbor

who were all over me like white on rice about how I need to be doing this or

that. Neither one had any clue about how they were just enabling her, how much I

truly was doing, and how nada was sabotaging 3/4 of the help I tried to get her.

Not to mention I lived 4 hours away, had a job and had a newborn baby! No one

cared about THAT. Ugh. Here's a few thoughts:

1. It's the relative's issues that she resents helping nada- not yours. Don't

take on her feelings as your fault. You didn't ask her to do these things- and

even if you did no one is making her. She's obviously an adult who can make her

own decisions. Don't take on her guilt and resentment- it's not yours. Honestly

that relative sounds kind of toxic if she resents a decision she made and blames

you for it.

2. Your nada refuses to hire help- that's HER problem, not yours. Once she gets

to a point where she can't make these decisions for herself you can get power of

attorney and hire someone for her. In the meantime she can lie in the bed she

made. That's what I ended up doing. Luckily my mom had the funds to support 24h

in-home care during her last month of life. If she hadn't I would have had to

put her in a home. I didn't want to do that but it is what it is. I feel I did

right by her because I got her an amazing caretaker and she was able to die in

her own home. She got better care than I could give her. And what was REALLY

awesome was the hospice nurse that was assigned to her knew all about BPD. My

GOD that was a blessing. I literally cried with relief about that. So don't be

afraid to tell medical professionals about this when it gets to that point. If

they don't get it they don't. But if they DO it's so helpful.

I don't know if I am helping at all. I guess my main point is that you just do

what you can- not one thing more, and don't feel guilty about it. You've already

overspent yourself with this woman. You are no good to anyone unless you are

healthy mentally and physically. You are doing right by her by taking care of

yourself. Giving in to her demands actually helps makes her SICKER. It feeds the

crazy. On paper this sounds so easy, but believe me I know it's so so hard. My

heart just goes out to you. It's so unfair- people make assumptions that are so.

damn. unfair. They just don't know.

This is a random thought but the unfair thing reminds me of it. Sometimes when I

am running on the treadmill I just cry because I feel like a little girl that

has been treated unfairly. It's like a physical, cellular, gut memory. People

just don't understand the injustices caused by a nada.

> > >

> > > I was just thinking what a shame it was that I couldn't have faked my own

death when I was in my mid-twenties. This is a total fantasy but thought I'd

share my ramblings with you guys. I mean really how else can you ever truly be

free? In this age of internet people search engines, there is literally no way

to shield your information even if you change your name. The only cases these

days where I've seen people's info shielded is if they work in sensitive

positions for the government or police. One can go NC if one has the will and

a stomach for it, but even then at any time they can still call, still try to

find you, still get another related party to pursue you. And why mid-twenties?

Well now my nada is elderly and as an only child I feel like I can't live with

myself if I walked away now. Still the problem of how to do I " do right " by

her but not allow myself to be psychologically decimated remains unresolved

after years and years of friggin therapy. Damn I envy Dick Whitman.

> > >

> > > Lobster

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

and Eliza,

my dad has had to deal with a lot of his wife's family (not my nada). She is a

non compliant bi-polar. She probably has some BPD tendencies too, like waif. She

is in and out of psych care all the time and all of her relatives were calling

and reading my dad the riot act and basically " shoulding " him to death (you

SHOULD do this/that whatever) and finally he just told them all that if they

knew so much about how to handle it that they should take her and do it their

way! That pretty much put a stop to those calls.

C.