Guest guest Posted July 1, 2012 Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 Hey I'm just curious how many times on average we've been blacklisted from our nada/fada's. I was blacklisted again today, haven't been the favorite for something like 30 years of my 40 year existence, and have been black listed and kicked out of their house since I was 14 on numerous occasions. I always end up playing doormat and going back pleading for the Queen's tolerance, and generally I get it 'allowed' back in eventually, but this time I dunno. I'm tired of being the 2nd class citizen....and tired of how she plays favorites. My daughter, who is 13, is my nada's golden child, even above my brother and his kids. She witnessed our discussion today which, albeit did turn into screaming, was about me putting down boundaries and nada not wanting to hear them. Nada was only interested in what my daughter had to say, not me, even though I am her mother. When I lost my temper and yelled, my fada, who occasionally sees my side but will always defend his wife, kicked me out again. Right in my face, his finger wagging telling me how I'm no longer welcome. I said that's fine, that means my daughter is no longer welcome either. They then screamed about how much they had done for me, and for my daughter, and even how my daughter wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. (background, they did help pay for fertility treatments however they OFFERED I never asked) and then how they paid for my divorce (which they convinced me to get) and for me to go back to school (which was paid for by grants, child support and me working two part time jobs). I realize my nada only sees things the way she wants to, but my fada is so very entrenched its almost like he's lost his own mind and become bpd himself. Sigh......I SO want to go NC, but my daughter loves them, and wants to see them. I will allow it, but only on my terms, within my boundaries, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't need to involve me seeing them anymore. Funny how I moved 2 hours away from them, and then they followed.....she threw that in my face too, I told her she was welcome to leave anytime she wanted. Sigh.....so now I have a hurt daughter, and a husband who doesn't quite understand where all this anger and frustration comes from. They both think I should just " talk to them about it and let them know how I feel " . hmm...not so easy with a nada and a fada......so here I am, tired, frustrated, and disgusted with the whole mess. Even considered packing a bag and driving away from all of them!! (does anyone else ever feel like this or am I truly crazy)! Thanks for letting me rant Tina God Bless America!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 1, 2012 Report Share Posted July 1, 2012 Tina, They're not going to change, so it is likely to continue happening for as many times as you let it. They're getting something they want out of the cycle of blacklisting you then letting you back into their lives only to kick you out again. If you want it to stop, you have to change what you're doing in such a way that they no longer get anything they want out of doing that to you. Has your husband read any of the books often discussed here about dealing with a parent with BPD? If not, I think maybe he needs to do so. He needs to understand what's going on with you or this is likely to drive a wedge between you. At 13 your daughter is old enough to understand some of this stuff too. Witnessing fights between you and your nada and fada is not good for her. She'll survive if she doesn't get to see them until they can abide by some basic boundaries. Letting them get there way and letting them abuse you teaches her the wrong messages. You're not crazy for wanting to pack a bag and drive away. I've fantasized about just driving away from my nada for most of my life. I've done it at times too. It feels good to drive away and know she won't be able to bother me for however long I intend to stay away. I don't have a husband and child to worry about though, so if I want to drive away it is fairly simple to do so. At 07:01 PM 07/01/2012 tina B wrote: >Hey I'm just curious how many times on average we've been >blacklisted from our nada/fada's. I was blacklisted again >today, haven't been the favorite for something like 30 years of >my 40 year existence, and have been black listed and kicked out >of their house since I was 14 on numerous occasions. I always >end up playing doormat and going back pleading for the Queen's >tolerance, and generally I get it 'allowed' back in eventually, >but this time I dunno. I'm tired of being the 2nd class >citizen....and tired of how she plays favorites. My daughter, >who is 13, is my nada's golden child, even above my brother and >his kids. She witnessed our discussion today which, albeit did >turn into screaming, was about me putting down boundaries and >nada not wanting to hear them. Nada was only interested in >what my daughter had to say, not me, even though I am her >mother. When I lost my temper and yelled, my fada, who >occasionally sees my side but will > always defend his wife, kicked me out again. Right in my > face, his finger wagging telling me how I'm no longer > welcome. I said that's fine, that means my daughter is no > longer welcome either. They then screamed about how much they > had done for me, and for my daughter, and even how my daughter > wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. (background, they did > help pay for fertility treatments however they OFFERED I never > asked) and then how they paid for my divorce (which they > convinced me to get) and for me to go back to school (which > was paid for by grants, child support and me working two part > time jobs). I realize my nada only sees things the way she > wants to, but my fada is so very entrenched its almost like > he's lost his own mind and become bpd himself. Sigh......I SO > want to go NC, but my daughter loves them, and wants to see > them. I will allow it, but only on my terms, within my > boundaries, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't need to > involve me seeing them anymore. > >Funny how I moved 2 hours away from them, and then they >followed.....she threw that in my face too, I told her she was >welcome to leave anytime she wanted. Sigh.....so now I have a >hurt daughter, and a husband who doesn't quite understand where >all this anger and frustration comes from. They both think I >should just " talk to them about it and let them know how I >feel " . hmm...not so easy with a nada and a fada......so here I >am, tired, frustrated, and disgusted with the whole mess. Even >considered packing a bag and driving away from all of them!! >(does anyone else ever feel like this or am I truly crazy)! > > >Thanks for letting me rant >Tina > >God Bless America!! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Yes, I whole heartedly agree with Katrina...it's a good idea to change your behaviors because people w BPD never change. I'd like to add that you might want to talk to your daughter about their inappropriate behaviors. Let her know it's not normal! Like the guilt over gifts, and disrespect of wagging a finger, the means of which she argues (changing subjects, gas lighting, taking shots, etc), irrational, drama, blame, etc. IMO these are good learning moments for you to teach how to communicate with and treat family. I also recomend boundaries boundaries boundaries! =) I am LC and nada sees the grandkids one day a week (and Sunday too.) I have three toddlers but only 2 are golden children. Just this week she raged at me about how I'm ruining her life. Ugh. Because I have supervised playdates once a week for her. But I am glad that I established this boundary (one day, two hours, my house) and it has relieved a ton of stress from my life. I have some ground rules, like my husband and I are always at the house when she comes over for a playdate or we have to reschedule, and withing hearing, (but rarely in the same room.) If I can suggest not allowing unsupervised time, just so that nada doesn't begin bad mouthing you to the daughter. This might be a good boundary to established before you resume contact. Another of our ground rules is no arguing, no picking a fight, no disrespect or she leaves immediately. The consequence of breaking these boundaries/rules is leave immediately, and if it's bad, no contact for three months. And, yes, she tested that boundary too and we went NC. It was so great =) Anyhow, seize the day and get off the rollercoaster! Break the cycle! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 I am brand new to this site, but your post caught my attention. I am constantly blacklisted and was about 2 weeks ago for the most ridiculously small reason. This time she also cut out my sister and her 1 year old grand daughter and requested a divorce from my dad because he is still in contact with my sister and I. I do not have any idea where to go from here. I am at my wits end and can't take any more of this. > > Hey I'm just curious how many times on average we've been blacklisted from our nada/fada's. I was blacklisted again today, haven't been the favorite for something like 30 years of my 40 year existence, and have been black listed and kicked out of their house since I was 14 on numerous occasions. I always end up playing doormat and going back pleading for the Queen's tolerance, and generally I get it 'allowed' back in eventually, but this time I dunno. I'm tired of being the 2nd class citizen....and tired of how she plays favorites. My daughter, who is 13, is my nada's golden child, even above my brother and his kids. She witnessed our discussion today which, albeit did turn into screaming, was about me putting down boundaries and nada not wanting to hear them. Nada was only interested in what my daughter had to say, not me, even though I am her mother. When I lost my temper and yelled, my fada, who occasionally sees my side but will > always defend his wife, kicked me out again. Right in my face, his finger wagging telling me how I'm no longer welcome. I said that's fine, that means my daughter is no longer welcome either. They then screamed about how much they had done for me, and for my daughter, and even how my daughter wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. (background, they did help pay for fertility treatments however they OFFERED I never asked) and then how they paid for my divorce (which they convinced me to get) and for me to go back to school (which was paid for by grants, child support and me working two part time jobs). I realize my nada only sees things the way she wants to, but my fada is so very entrenched its almost like he's lost his own mind and become bpd himself. Sigh......I SO want to go NC, but my daughter loves them, and wants to see them. I will allow it, but only on my terms, within my boundaries, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't need to > involve me seeing them anymore. > > Funny how I moved 2 hours away from them, and then they followed.....she threw that in my face too, I told her she was welcome to leave anytime she wanted. Sigh.....so now I have a hurt daughter, and a husband who doesn't quite understand where all this anger and frustration comes from. They both think I should just " talk to them about it and let them know how I feel " . hmm...not so easy with a nada and a fada......so here I am, tired, frustrated, and disgusted with the whole mess. Even considered packing a bag and driving away from all of them!! (does anyone else ever feel like this or am I truly crazy)! > > > Thanks for letting me rant > Tina > > God Bless America!! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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