Re: Re: So, am I a glutton for punishment, DYSFUNCTIONAL ROLES IN FOOS

[Guest guest]

thanks to Meikin and Ashana for the feedback, very much appreciated. 

It's very hard to see the forest thru the trees when I can easily travel into

the FOG.  My parents only know one way of communication-- manipulation.  I

know now what to do.  Let this go, and let God do the rest.  I am continuing

on my pathway and journey without their confusing messages.  The reason they

put this off on me is to assuage their own guilt about black-listing me again,

and smear campaigning me to the rest of my FOO.  It's very easy for them to

say, " Why don't you just tell us what you have to, and why don't we just get on

with our lives? "   It's so they don't have to live with my boundaries list, and

they can feel better about telling me NO to my boundaries and then mail nasty

letters, emails and not call me, not see me, my husband, or my now 1 year old

son.

Funny--- When I went NC with my maternal side, it was really, really hard on me,

the guilt and shame almost broke me.  But, when my paternal side NC'd me, it

was easier.  Sure, I dealt with pain and rejection.  But, my maternal

instincts kicked in to take care of my newborn son.  I am not going to sit back

and watch him be destroyed by dysfunctional family systems, the way it destroyed

me.  I have a choice now, as a child, I didn't.  The favoritism, scapegoating,

hero, lost child, and caretaker all still exist in my FOO.  At one point in

life or another, I have been all roles.  I no longer fit in the puzzle pieces

that make up my FOO.  If I choose to go backwards, I have that choice.  But,

the minute my son looks at me, and asks, " Why does Grandpa treat me differently

than my cousin?  Why does my cousin see Grandpa all the time, and he only

visits me once a year? "   That would destroy me more than what I have been

through.  Knowing full well

I could stop it from starting...

My thought for the day,

Love to all the KOs

Mandy

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, June 23, 2012 10:08 PM

Subject: Re: So, am I a glutton for punishment, why do I do

this?

 

part of EMDR therapy that I am doing is to think about the distressing situation

that keeps re-traumatizing you and figure out how it could have been different.

the cool thing about this is that you can bring in an outsider to tell Nada (or

your dad) to BACK OFF or you can imagine walking away, or hanging up and how

that would (have made) make things different. I find that this part of the

therapy is empowering, and makes me not feel so trapped. It also helps to

imagine that little girl in a comfortable setting, and give her a hug, or be a

listening ear, or whatever she needs. you can mother yourself sometimes.

acknowledged feelings come and go and don't hurt us the way that suppressed ones

do. kids should be able to trust their parents. your feelings are valid. I have

to tell myself that all the time.

Meikjn

>

> Hi Mandy,

>

> Breathe. Then let your little girl be scared. She is telling you about what

she remembers in the only way she can, which is to re-experience it. What she

may need now is simply to be heard, because she wasn't heard at the time. The

most healing thing you may be able to do for yourself is simply to acknowledge

how you feel without doing any of the emotionally abusive things your parents

did: without minimizing, denying, or criticizing how you feel. The thing about

being an adult is that it is now safe to be afraid, as paradoxical as that

sounds.

>

> And then I would let it go. Learning to respond in the way that you did

helped you survive and, although it no longer helps, it's very difficult to

unlearn things once they are learned. Nothing further will happen because of

it. It doesn't mean you've lost ground or that you will now become paralyzed

with this fear. It just means you saw a bullet coming, so you ducked.

>

> When you're feeling calm again, which may not be today, then you can think

about what to do. But I find for myself at least that the time to make

decisions or even try to analyze a problem is most definitely not when I'm

feeling distressed. The decision-making part of your brain is just not up and

running.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>