Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Hello, I am new to this site. I am an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but it is pretty clear to me that she suffers from both and that she did extreme damage to, at the very least, me and my older sister. My two younger sisters were not spared her demons, but she let she let loose the worst ones on me and my older sister. Note, this woman is very, very professionally successful, and ironically, she was more responsible as a parent than my father was. Nevertheless, I consider myself a 'poster child' or perhaps 'poster adult survivor' for what happens to people who grow up in environments of emotional violence, and in particular, who are selected for hatred and treated with meanness and cruelty just to underscore the hatred. What happens? Failure to launch professionally and failure to bond with others and have intimate relationships. This is what happens -- and in my case, I believe it is what my mother, perhaps unconsciously, wanted to happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 I am also very new to this site. In fact, yours is the first message I am responding to. I have the exact same situation and she has not been diagnosed either. While researching to try to find out what was wrong, I came across BPD and bingo....it was like they wrote the characteristics based off of her! I am at my wits end and no longer now what to do She has recently cut me, my sister and her 1 year old grand daughter out of her life due to an email that went un responded to in a timely manner regarding a birthday dinner celebration. She is also requesting a divorce from my father because he is still in contact with my sister and I. I feel very lost, alone, confused, furious, sad and concerned all at the same time and I don't really know where to go from here. > > Hello, > > I am new to this site. I am an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but it is pretty clear to me that she suffers from both and that she did extreme damage to, at the very least, me and my older sister. My two younger sisters were not spared her demons, but she let she let loose the worst ones on me and my older sister. > > Note, this woman is very, very professionally successful, and ironically, she was more responsible as a parent than my father was. Nevertheless, I consider myself a 'poster child' or perhaps 'poster adult survivor' for what happens to people who grow up in environments of emotional violence, and in particular, who are selected for hatred and treated with meanness and cruelty just to underscore the hatred. What happens? Failure to launch professionally and failure to bond with others and have intimate relationships. This is what happens -- and in my case, I believe it is what my mother, perhaps unconsciously, wanted to happen. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 I think your situation is very difficult. My nada was very successful professionally too- smart and witty, the life of the party to the outsider. I had a deadbeat dad and so she was viewed as a hero of a single mother. Because she did not abuse me physically, there would be no way for someone to know the horrific emotional/mental abuse going on at home. One may see a few instances of unfavorable behavior, but not enough to be suspicious. I think one of the hardest things about high functioning BPDs (and mine was narcissistic as well), is that it's not a few instances that are so detrimental. It's the mental games, manipulation, insane demands and enmeshment of daily life that is so overwhelmingly crushing. It's pretty much impossible to explain to people who don't understand BPD, I feel like they think I'm exaggerating. Nada was sometimes so subtle in her sick manipulation, which she started on me pretty much from birth, that I wondered if I was the crazy one. It was just me and her until I was 18 and left the house. I didn't stand a chance. She's been dead two years now, but I deal with all the fleas she left behind every day. Not to mention thousands of dollars spent on therapy, still ongoing. > > Hello, > > I am new to this site. I am an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but it is pretty clear to me that she suffers from both and that she did extreme damage to, at the very least, me and my older sister. My two younger sisters were not spared her demons, but she let she let loose the worst ones on me and my older sister. > > Note, this woman is very, very professionally successful, and ironically, she was more responsible as a parent than my father was. Nevertheless, I consider myself a 'poster child' or perhaps 'poster adult survivor' for what happens to people who grow up in environments of emotional violence, and in particular, who are selected for hatred and treated with meanness and cruelty just to underscore the hatred. What happens? Failure to launch professionally and failure to bond with others and have intimate relationships. This is what happens -- and in my case, I believe it is what my mother, perhaps unconsciously, wanted to happen. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome to the group, You will find a lot of support here. I can empathize with you. My nada has also never been diagnosed, and she has had no problmems becoming successful in the workplace. She was also a single parent, and I saw her as the victim- well thats how she made herself to be. So I was always so proud of her for going through everything she did (so I was told) and emerging fairly stable. My younger sister and I sound like your two younger sisters- we were not spared her demons, but it was my older sister who suffered greatly. My nada fed me and younger sister a bunch of lies about her and being very young when this all took place, believed them all, and did so for 20 years! It was only in the last couple of mnths that I reconnected with this sister, after my mom turned on younger sister and I and learned it was ALL lies. Now all 3 of us are evil seekers and destroying her and her credibility since NO ONE left in the family will have anything to do with Nada. Of course- it wouldnt have anything to do with how she's treated them and pushed them away... M > > Hello, > > I am new to this site. I am an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but it is pretty clear to me that she suffers from both and that she did extreme damage to, at the very least, me and my older sister. My two younger sisters were not spared her demons, but she let she let loose the worst ones on me and my older sister. > > Note, this woman is very, very professionally successful, and ironically, she was more responsible as a parent than my father was. Nevertheless, I consider myself a 'poster child' or perhaps 'poster adult survivor' for what happens to people who grow up in environments of emotional violence, and in particular, who are selected for hatred and treated with meanness and cruelty just to underscore the hatred. What happens? Failure to launch professionally and failure to bond with others and have intimate relationships. This is what happens -- and in my case, I believe it is what my mother, perhaps unconsciously, wanted to happen. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome. This is a very supportive group, and the only people who really " get " what these parents are like. I totally hear ya on both counts. I really think if I had grown up in a more supportive environment, my career at least would have been different and a lot more satisfying. Please note everybody: It's independence day. (INDEPENDENCE from sick parents!!!) Happy Fourth. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Hi - New to this group too - What's helped me is to hit the DELETE button whenever her name pops in, as well as never answer the phone when you see that it is her. It is quite powerful. You can't keep reading these emails - it's very destructive to your self esteem and can undermine months of work that you may have done for yourself. When my nada gets into these states...(mine has long bouts of calm, kindness, sadness (waif) and rational thought in between these rampages, thankfully, but when the rampage starts, I will send an email something like. " I am sorry you are feeling badly, but I cannot communicate with you when you are like this. Email me when you have calmed down and I will pick up the phone and respond " . (She will call me 20 times in a row for a few days at a time all ready to scream at me about what I did wrong). So you could say something like that that applies to you, and leave it at that. You have the power this way, not her. My heart hurts for you - it's awful!!!! Lesley > Welcome. This is a very supportive group, and the only people who really " get " what these parents are like. > > I totally hear ya on both counts. I really think if I had grown up in a more supportive environment, my career at least would have been different and a lot more satisfying. > > Please note everybody: It's independence day. (INDEPENDENCE from sick parents!!!) > > Happy Fourth. > > --. > > lesley anton handmade ceramic lighting lesley anton : utility lesleyanton.com studio cell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 (sorry, I just hit reply instead of 'reply to the group) Hi - New to this group too - What's helped me is to hit the DELETE button whenever her name pops in, as well as never answer the phone when you see that it is her. It is quite powerful. You can't keep reading these emails - it's very destructive to your self esteem and can undermine months of work that you may have done for yourself. When my nada gets into these states...(mine has long bouts of calm, kindness, sadness (waif) and rational thought in between these rampages, thankfully, but when the rampage starts, I will send an email something like. " I am sorry you are feeling badly, but I cannot communicate with you when you are like this. Email me when you have calmed down and I will pick up the phone and respond " . (She will call me 20 times in a row for a few days at a time all ready to scream at me about what I did wrong). So you could say something like that that applies to you, and leave it at that. You have the power this way, not her. My heart hurts for you - it's awful!!!! Lesley lesley anton handmade ceramic lighting lesley anton : utility lesleyanton.com studio cell Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome to the Group, . You've found a bunch of people who truly get what you are describing; there are a lot of members here whose mother is (or was) an intelligent, high-functioning " Queen " or " Witch " sub-type of bpd. These sub-types are often able to maintain a friendly and even charming demeanor in public, able to hold down a job, even have a successful business career; the equivalent of the " kindly Dr. Jekyll " to the outside world, but turn into the terrifying " Ms. Hyde " at home, behind the privacy of the closed front door. The book " Understanding The Borderline Mother " delineates four main sub-types of borderline pd mothers. The Queen (bpd + narcissistic pd) and/or the Witch (bpd + antisocial pd) tend to marry a passive, emotionally dependent, enabling spouse and dominate him and their children. The other sub-types, the Waif (bpd+dependent pd) and the Hermit (bpd+avoidant pd) tend to parentify their spouse and children and suck them dry emotionally. In the privacy of the home where there are no outside witnesses, the Queen/ the Witch will inflict chronic, severe emotional or psychological abuse and other forms of abuse (or neglect) on her submissive, enabling spouse and her helpless, terrified children. I read somewhere that borderline personality disorder is a dysfunction of intimacy, in that the closer you are emotionally to the person with bpd, the more damage you will sustain. This makes sense to me. My mother passed away a few months ago, but she had been formally diagnosed twice with borderline pd; I believe she had traits of the other Cluster B pds as well, mostly narcissistic pd and some traits of antisocial pd, making her mostly a Queen and a Witch. My younger Sister and I are still working at overcoming the emotional scars, even though we are both in late middle age at this point. This Group is a great place to get emotional support and validation from people who have experienced really similar behaviors from their own mothers (or " nadas " ) who have borderline pd traits, whether they've been formally diagnosed or not. Somehow it is very comforting and validating and liberating to discover that its not just you, that you didn't somehow cause your mother to be the way she is, and that you are not responsible for the way your mother thinks, feels and acts: its not your job to be your mother's mommy or her therapist or her substitute spouse/substitute best friend. One of the most empowering things you can do for yourself is to educate yourself about personality disorders in general and the Cluster B disorders in particular. There is an extensive reading list at the home site of this Group, at " BPD Central " , covering personality disorders and other important topics like setting boundaries, and overcoming co-dependence. Welcome, I hope you will find much peace and healing here. -Annie > > Hello, > > I am new to this site. I am an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but it is pretty clear to me that she suffers from both and that she did extreme damage to, at the very least, me and my older sister. My two younger sisters were not spared her demons, but she let she let loose the worst ones on me and my older sister. > > Note, this woman is very, very professionally successful, and ironically, she was more responsible as a parent than my father was. Nevertheless, I consider myself a 'poster child' or perhaps 'poster adult survivor' for what happens to people who grow up in environments of emotional violence, and in particular, who are selected for hatred and treated with meanness and cruelty just to underscore the hatred. What happens? Failure to launch professionally and failure to bond with others and have intimate relationships. This is what happens -- and in my case, I believe it is what my mother, perhaps unconsciously, wanted to happen. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 5, 2012 Report Share Posted July 5, 2012 Hi , Thanks for posting your story, as I could definitely identify with it. I am also new to this board (been lurking for quite awhile)and have endured a undiagnosed borderline mother and still do. My older brother and sister and I were equally targeted by the controlling, unpredictable rages, silent treatment, splitting behavior that was (and is) my mother. All of us have suffered psychologically, emotionally and professionally because of it. My mother also was a very responsible albeit controlling parent as well as somewhat successful in her career. She was no CEO or mega manager, but she held her own and was somewhat well liked in her circle of business colleagues. I could identify with your comment about your failure to launch professionally. Despite recognizing early on that something was wrong with the way my mom was behaving as I was growing up, my ability to work consistently in a professional environment has been unsuccessful. It seems every job that I've had over the years has been like entering into a dysfunctional relationship. It doesn't help that I work in a very volatile, unpredictable, ego-centeric industry - advertising and creative digital design. I've been laid off several times over the years; some were legit company situations and some were outright personality problems where I let people walk all over me and couldn't I handle the blatant manipulation that was happening to me. After the end of every job my self-worth, confidence, etc. deteriorated and a phobia of screwing up the next job set in. For some odd reason I had no problem hunting and interviewing for jobs; the problem was trying to hold on to it. Now I'm 40 yrs. old and not much has changed in the career department. Even after years of therapy and behavioral skills training (DBT, etc.) I still have so much anxiety regarding work. It's not the actual work itself that's the problem, it's ALWAYS THE WORKING RELATIONSHIPS. I think this all stems from how I was raised and how my mother's strong controlling grip on me and my siblings really undermined our confidence and our ability to deal with interpersonal relationships in the workplace. I would love to hear more about your work experiences and what you've done to overcome some of the difficulties. So far none of my strategies have worked so well. I'm always open to learning new ways of coping in life and in the workplace. IN REPLY TO >>><<<< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 7, 2012 Report Share Posted July 7, 2012 Hello everyone I'm a newbie - just logged on now after buying the book " Stop walking on eggshells " - and an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or NPD, but I am under no illusions whatsoever that she is a high-functioning BPD. Reading all your stories here I have also been having a lot of problems at work and with relationships. I would also like to hear about anyone who has survived a childhood with a BPD parent and had a successful career? MB > > Hello, > > I am new to this site. I am an adult survivor of a woman who has never been diagnosed with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder, but it is pretty clear to me that she suffers from both and that she did extreme damage to, at the very least, me and my older sister. My two younger sisters were not spared her demons, but she let she let loose the worst ones on me and my older sister. > > Note, this woman is very, very professionally successful, and ironically, she was more responsible as a parent than my father was. Nevertheless, I consider myself a 'poster child' or perhaps 'poster adult survivor' for what happens to people who grow up in environments of emotional violence, and in particular, who are selected for hatred and treated with meanness and cruelty just to underscore the hatred. What happens? Failure to launch professionally and failure to bond with others and have intimate relationships. This is what happens -- and in my case, I believe it is what my mother, perhaps unconsciously, wanted to happen. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 10, 2012 Report Share Posted July 10, 2012 I wish I could say that I have been successful, but I've been successful at trying things, lol. I have an associate's degree in nursing, am working on furthering that education, at least partly. I also sell jewelry. I have had three fiancee's, two marriages, am still married, tho frequently we are on different pages, and countless failed relationships in between. I never attributed my lack of success to my nada, but it does make sense, after all I work only part time in nursing, and tho I love my patient (I only have one right now) I really have no drive to do it. I have lost two jobs, one that I hated anyways, and one that I really was tired of, have decided working in a hospital isn't for me at all. No, I never killed anyone, or anything that dramatic, I just never had the confidence and the passion to do it all in a timely manner. Funny, looking back, the first nursing job I had out of school (which by the way was only at nada's insistence) was a night shift, 5 nights a week. With a five year old at home, so I barely saw her that year, she spent most of it with my nada. Convenient, being that she is nada's golden girl. When I did lose that job, because of an aide that didn't do as I asked, after I had 12 patients that night myself, nada was furious, and I totally lost my drive to do it anyways. I was happy, I was at home, with my daughter, and I didn't care. I had saved enough to support us for a few months. But Nada lost my daughter during that time, because she was with me. Hmmm.....makes sense now. Anyways, I am hoping to change this cycle, as I'm NC with nada, and I am excited for the first time in a long time about my work, my jewelry, not my nursing. So, I'll keep you updated, and maybe I'll be a success story! Tina God Bless America!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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