How would you respond?

July 4, 2012

I've only had (limited) email contact with Nada for over a year (since my

wedding..I sent her an email a year ago expressing my hurt, sadness, confusion

regarding her behavior leading up to and day of the wedding). She took 13 months

to write me back. It was a 6 pg single spaced attachment answering my " demands

for an apology " Needless to say it was poison- full of lies, manipulation,

self-pity, as her recollection of every event was completely different than

mine. Of course she has " people " who she wont identify who witnessed my

" terrible behavior and haterd " , even my own " friends " raising their eyebrows and

exchanging glances " ...anyways it just pisses me off. I never responded.Didnt

know how to.

But yesterday I get another email sent to my sister, her husband and me. Here is

what my " mom " had to say:

" Word has come back around to us from various people that we have been " trashed "

and thrown under the freight train. Worst is that it is___ ____ and ____ bad

mouthing us and making up things to make us look bad over the past year . And

such outgageous lies including that I treated my mother bad. Which you knew

would piss EVERYONE off and start a firestorm. Well you did it. We even heard

stuff from x'nlaws that they heard from my own. Ya can't lie about this one.

People have admitted some things. Heard the same thing from too many different

people when we started quizzing to figure out why everyone just quit talking to

us and won't respond anymore to emails.Ya did it! You've made me look bad to

everyone by LYING. And, if you had problems with me it should have been between

you and I. Not told to my family members so it could spread around the country

like wildfire. And get EVERYONE pissed at us by making them think we treat you

terrible and my mother terrible. You know how it feels to everyday wake up

knowing how unwanted and un-loved you are by your own family. Not much to look

forward to is there? I'm glad you got and get what you want.

I'm sorry I just couldn't live up to your expectations of whatever I was suppose

to be. & you felt you had to spread rumors to make me look bad to the world.

Thanks. what a legacy to leave me "

Help?? I am tired of crying. Not responding doesnt work because I get more

email. How do I set boundaries, and call her on this harrassment?

M

July 4, 2012

M,

My advice is to not respond to this at all. Her goal is most

likely to upset you and the last thing you should do is let her

know she was successful in doing so. The only way to win a

nada's games is to not play at all. If you respond, she's not

going to pay attention to what you say and somehow see the error

of her ways. You can't have a rational discussion with someone

who is being totally irrational. She'll just continue in the

same vein, possibly getting nastier and nastier. If you say

anything that can be taken out of context in a way that makes

you look bad, she'll do so, possibly showing assorted other

people your words as " proof " of her slurs against you.

You say that not responding doesn't work because you just get

more e-mail, but the fact that she sends e-mail doesn't mean you

have to see or read it. Almost all e-mail systems have at least

one way to rid yourself of messages you don't want. Some mail

servers allow you to block it at the server end. Most mail

clients allow filtering at your end. Make use of one of those

features and block her messages or send them right to the trash

bin. Even if you have no option to deal with her messages

automatically, you can still delete them manually as they

arrive. You are NOT obligated to read her foul messages just

because she gave birth to you.

If you really want to respond and continue to communicate with

her via e-mail, respond with a normal message that ignores what

she said. Act like you didn't notice any of it.

You ask how to set boundaries. First, make sure you understand

that boundaries are for YOU not her. Second, decide what you

will and won't put up with. Third, figure out what consequences

there will be when she violates your boundaries. The

consequences need to be something that matters to her and that

you're willing and able to enforce. Once you've made those

decisions you can then decide whether you want to actually come

out and tell her what your boundaries are or just start

enforcing them. I generally favor the latter, but everyone's

situation is different and you're the one who knows your nada

and how she might act. As an example, one of my boundaries is

that my nada is not allowed to bad-mouth me, my sister, or

various other people in my presence. (What she does at other

times is not my problem to deal with.) The way I enforce this is

to give her one warning that we're not going to discuss that

subject when she starts doing it. If that doesn't stop her I

leave or hang up the phone. Nothing I say or do is going to stop

her from thinking her nasty thoughts, but I don't have to choose

to hear them. If your communication with her is mostly by

e-mail, the consequence of violating your boundaries might be

something like responding with " I'm sorry you're so upset. Let's

take a break from e-mail for a month so that you can calm down. "

Then don't read or respond to any of her messages for a month.

You can't change her but you can change how you respond to her

and maybe teach her that her actions aren't going to get the

results she wants.

At 10:34 AM 07/04/2012 M wrote:

>I've only had (limited) email contact with Nada for over a year

>(since my wedding..I sent her an email a year ago expressing my

>hurt, sadness, confusion regarding her behavior leading up to

>and day of the wedding). She took 13 months to write me back.

>It was a 6 pg single spaced attachment answering my " demands

>for an apology " Needless to say it was poison- full of lies,

>manipulation, self-pity, as her recollection of every event was

>completely different than mine. Of course she has " people " who

>she wont identify who witnessed my " terrible behavior and

>haterd " , even my own " friends " raising their eyebrows and

>exchanging glances " ...anyways it just pisses me off. I never

>responded.Didnt know how to.

>

>But yesterday I get another email sent to my sister, her

>husband and me. Here is what my " mom " had to say:

>

> " Word has come back around to us from various people that we

>have been " trashed " and thrown under the freight train. Worst

>is that it is___ ____ and ____ bad mouthing us and making up

>things to make us look bad over the past year . And such

>outgageous lies including that I treated my mother bad. Which

>you knew would piss EVERYONE off and start a firestorm. Well

>you did it. We even heard stuff from x'nlaws that they heard

>from my own. Ya can't lie about this one. People have admitted

>some things. Heard the same thing from too many different

>people when we started quizzing to figure out why everyone just

>quit talking to us and won't respond anymore to emails.Ya did

>it! You've made me look bad to everyone by LYING. And, if you

>had problems with me it should have been between you and I. Not

>told to my family members so it could spread around the country

>like wildfire. And get EVERYONE pissed at us by making them

>think we treat you terrible and my mother terrible. You know

>how it feels to everyday wake up knowing how unwanted and

>un-loved you are by your own family. Not much to look forward

>to is there? I'm glad you got and get what you want.

>I'm sorry I just couldn't live up to your expectations of

>whatever I was suppose to be. & you felt you had to spread

>rumors to make me look bad to the world. Thanks. what a legacy

>to leave me "

>

>Help?? I am tired of crying. Not responding doesnt work because

>I get more email. How do I set boundaries, and call her on this

>harrassment?

>

>M

>

--

Katrina

July 4, 2012

M,

I would like to loan you my T-shirt, it says " There is no reasoning with crazy

people " The subtext is that it is a waste of your time and emotional energy.

You might as well try to reason with a wild animal about their eating habits for

all the good it'll do you. C

July 4, 2012

M,

I support all that is written so far in response to your request. I stopped

talking to my Nada for 1 year and it was the best time ever! All the noise

stopped! Her emails went from being violent to being " here is what is going on

with me " which was fine. I told her the only reason she could contact me is if

something was medically wrong with her and she needed my help. It was a good

time for my nada to reflect on her behaviors in the silence of her life and for

me to refocus on myself. Silence is a very very powerful way to get your message

across. Even today I have to live with my nada (unfortunately) due to a job

loss, but when my brothers do not call on mother's day that silence resonates

big time! - R

>

> M,

>

> I would like to loan you my T-shirt, it says " There is no reasoning with crazy

people " The subtext is that it is a waste of your time and emotional energy.

>

> You might as well try to reason with a wild animal about their eating habits

for all the good it'll do you. C

>

July 4, 2012

Hi M, Welcome to the Group.

The situation you are describing is so familiar; I'm sorry you and your sisters

have been going through that with your nada. Its really heartbreaking to have

a parent that is so emotionally immature and so easily triggered into anger at

you, who acts out in hurtful ways, who makes bizarre, untrue accusations, and

interprets events and reality in such an inexplicably hostile way.

I know its extremely difficult to accept, but you really can't " fix " this level

of delusional, paranoid thinking in another person. You did not cause your

mother to have this unfortunate personality disorder, you can't control her

behaviors or her thoughts or her feelings, and you can't cure her.

My nada actually confessed to me once, out of the blue, that she truly believed

that I as an infant had hated her and rejected her as a mother, which resulted

in her " giving up on having a normal, loving mother-daughter relationship with

you by the time you were 3 years old. " After I picked my jaw up off the floor,

I was flooded with realization that finally, in the light of this revelation

about just how irrational my nada's thinking was, so many memories and incidents

of my childhood made sense: so many puzzle pieces fell into place.

No amount of facts, or evidence, or arguing, could dislodge such fixed

delusional beliefs and paranoid thinking that my nada had, and she had a lot of

irrational, delusional, paranoid beliefs about me, Sister, Dad, and her own

parents and sisters.

So, I agree with Katrina's advice; sometimes you just have to withdraw from

attempting to reason with someone who is irrationally angry at you and making

accusations that have nothing to do with reality.

Its a fight you can't win because your nada is not using or responding to logic,

reason, facts or evidence.

For her, her feelings and her interpretation of reality are the same thing as

objective hard evidence and facts: that's her delusional thinking. You can't

penetrate through her irrationality and emotionality with facts, she will just

say that you are lying or are irrational yourself, that you are out to get her,

or hurt her, etc.: that is the paranoid thinking.

Those with borderline pd appear to only be able to think in black-and-white

terms: you are either their best beloved or their worst enemy, you are all-good

or all-bad. They don't seem able to grasp that there are shades of gray, that

there is such a thing as compromise, or sharing/taking turns, or that (for

example) you can love someone and yet not love an irritating habit they have.

My own personal opinion is that when faced with such a situation the best option

is to not respond at all, just stop. Withdraw. Direct any/all her incoming

e-mails into a special folder, and leave them unopened and unread. Or filter

them so they go directly to the Trash, unopened and unread.

If your sisters wish to continue attempting to reason with your nada, wish to

continue reading and responding to your nada's e-mails, that is their right, but

its YOUR right (if it feels workable to you) to let them know that you need a

break from it for a while, probably for a long while, and thank them (in

advance) for understanding this and respecting your decision.

You get to decide what you will and will not deal with, its your right and your

option.

We each have to discover our own path to healing and recovery, and its very

individual.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I've only had (limited) email contact with Nada for over a year (since my