Help: Boundaries or Black & White Thinking?

[Guest guest]

Hi.

OK...so I think I'm doing good at drawing boundaries with my family ...it's

rough...up and down emotionally...but I keep refocusing on protecting myself.

Helped that my nada(well, really dad) finally returned my phone call after one

month and funny how my mom accused me of never calling! Whatever.

So, I've also been proactive with NC with other people in my life that I attract

(like men) that play games. And then I recognized I had some friends that aren't

really available either. Deleted their numbers, put their email into spam folder

and blocked them on FB/Skype,etc.

Two of those friends (sisters) are close to my heart, though. That is why it has

hurt me so bad that after being like sisters...and them knowing how crazy my

family is (one was my roomy for four years) that the last few years they have

drifted away. Not returning even text messages. How busy can you be? I swear I

am NOT needy or high maintenance...it is just that with people I really care

about I'm kind of sensitive to being blown off. SO, I really did try to make

excuses for them ...a lot...and then now that I've been learning about being

proactive with protecting myself from people that don't really appreciate me or

value my friendship or leave me feeling sad and frustrated...I thought that

closing the door would leave me more available for friends that are the real

deal and willing to invest in a real relationship.

So...finally...one of these sisters has tried to connect via email. That pissed

me off. I felt like I was demoted to email. Then she did try to call...but

honestly...I kind of felt like I had moved on and didn't return the call, plus I

was genuinely busy. Now she has emailed me AGAIN...just mentioning that it has

been hard to get a hold of me...and then caught me up on their busy life.

I have been emotionally confused about this. I just went for a walk and got

emotional wondering if I had been black and white including them in the way I

decided to treat my crazy family and others that don't treat me right.

But ...at the same time...I think I have issues with being honest about my

feelings without feeling whiney and pathetic. I can't imagine how to tell her

the truth...and then after telling the truth...wouldn't it feel like an

ultimatum? " Either be a real invested friend or let's part ways peacefully? " OR

is that just me feeling weird due to being used to emotional blackmail from my

family?

I feel like I'm about to learn something from all of this...

And part of what led me to these thoughts was a recent unrelated conversation I

had with a friend ...and she said that the key is to always consider people's

INTENTIONS...most people don't have bad intentions attached to their

actions...AND...we really can't judge them anyway because we honestly can't ever

really know people's intentions. So it is better to view things from this

perspective.

Meditating on this during my walk made me emotional...thinking about how my

parents don't have bad intentions...they are just acting out the best way that

they know how...and I guess then that is why we all have a choice on how and to

what extent we are willing to interact with them.

Thanks for your insight.

[Guest guest]

I have a friend like that too...one that is like a sister.  I don't have a lot

of friends where I live, at least ones that I can really talk to and do things

with, and this " sister " lives far away from me now.  I got to the point where I

needed a friendly voice and someone to listen to me, but when I would call, she

was busy, and told me that she would call back later.  She never did.  When I

finally said something to her, I felt that she was still blowing me off.  I

realize that she has a life with her husband and kids, but I felt left behind

and unwanted.  I now realize that we have just grown apart and have different

needs in life.  We still email or talk on the phone occasionally, but there is

no longer the closeness we used to have.  I mourn that loss, but I realize that

I have to move on as well.  I still love her like a sister, but I need someone

who I know will be there for me.  I am still looking.  Being alone is almost

becoming a

familiar friend now.  It's one of those things that I am struggling to find

out the purpose for.  As far as parents, I think that somewhere deep down, they

know that what they were doing was wrong, but their need to be the one in

control overrides their good sense.  I think that my stepnada knows that she is

wrong in things that she says and does, but she doesn't know how to handle her

insecurities and takes it out on those she perceives as  " bad " people.  Not

that that makes it right, by any means.   Mom is always telling me it's a

matter of perception, and I think that is true in most things.  If you watch

the crime shows on tv, the cops are always saying that eye witness testimony

isn't very accurate, because everyone has a different perception of what they

saw. My dog is terrified of fireworks.  When people are shooting off fireworks

for a week before the 4th of July, and I have to stay inside my house and take

care of a scared dog,  I

perceive it as people being rude and inconsiderate.  However, the people

shooting off the fireworks perceive it as having fun.  It probably never

crosses their mind that someone could be scared of the fireworks.  I really

don't know what to tell you, but I hope that I made some sense anyway.

Janet

 

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, July 4, 2012 7:38 PM

Subject: Help: Boundaries or Black & White Thinking?

 

Hi.

OK...so I think I'm doing good at drawing boundaries with my family ...it's

rough...up and down emotionally...but I keep refocusing on protecting myself.

Helped that my nada(well, really dad) finally returned my phone call after one

month and funny how my mom accused me of never calling! Whatever.

So, I've also been proactive with NC with other people in my life that I attract

(like men) that play games. And then I recognized I had some friends that aren't

really available either. Deleted their numbers, put their email into spam folder

and blocked them on FB/Skype,etc.

Two of those friends (sisters) are close to my heart, though. That is why it has

hurt me so bad that after being like sisters...and them knowing how crazy my

family is (one was my roomy for four years) that the last few years they have

drifted away. Not returning even text messages. How busy can you be? I swear I

am NOT needy or high maintenance...it is just that with people I really care

about I'm kind of sensitive to being blown off. SO, I really did try to make

excuses for them ...a lot...and then now that I've been learning about being

proactive with protecting myself from people that don't really appreciate me or

value my friendship or leave me feeling sad and frustrated...I thought that

closing the door would leave me more available for friends that are the real

deal and willing to invest in a real relationship.

So...finally...one of these sisters has tried to connect via email. That pissed

me off. I felt like I was demoted to email. Then she did try to call...but

honestly...I kind of felt like I had moved on and didn't return the call, plus I

was genuinely busy. Now she has emailed me AGAIN...just mentioning that it has

been hard to get a hold of me...and then caught me up on their busy life.

I have been emotionally confused about this. I just went for a walk and got

emotional wondering if I had been black and white including them in the way I

decided to treat my crazy family and others that don't treat me right.

But ...at the same time...I think I have issues with being honest about my

feelings without feeling whiney and pathetic. I can't imagine how to tell her

the truth...and then after telling the truth...wouldn't it feel like an

ultimatum? " Either be a real invested friend or let's part ways peacefully? " OR

is that just me feeling weird due to being used to emotional blackmail from my

family?

I feel like I'm about to learn something from all of this...

And part of what led me to these thoughts was a recent unrelated conversation I

had with a friend ...and she said that the key is to always consider people's

INTENTIONS...most people don't have bad intentions attached to their

actions...AND...we really can't judge them anyway because we honestly can't ever

really know people's intentions. So it is better to view things from this

perspective.

Meditating on this during my walk made me emotional...thinking about how my

parents don't have bad intentions...they are just acting out the best way that

they know how...and I guess then that is why we all have a choice on how and to

what extent we are willing to interact with them.

Thanks for your insight.

[Guest guest]

I'd say your friend is half right. I think you do have to

consider people's intentions when deciding what kind of

relationship to have with them but you also have to consider

their actions. If someone is well-intentioned but has a pattern

of doing things that hurt you, that's a problem even if the hurt

is unintentional. If they really are well-intentioned you may be

able to correct the problem by discussing it with them or you

may not. I think well-intentioned people should generally be

given the opportunity to correct a problem if you've been

friends with them or otherwise have some kind of existing

relationship. You also have to consider whether the hurt is

coming from internal issues rather than external ones. It isn't

fair to place all the blame on the other person if your

reactions are abnormal and unreasonable. Choosing friends isn't

all about who is right and who is wrong though. Friends are

people you feel comfortable with.

I think it is a vast over-simplification to think that any nada

or fada has good intentions. They may not be intentionally

malicious but that's a far cry from saying they have good

intentions towards you. At best, their behavior is massively

self-centered and uncaring of others. They do not do the things

they do because they're concerned about your well-being. They do

them because they're wrapped up in their own

thoughts/wants/needs. At worst, some of them are extremely and

actively malicious.

As for the friends that you cut out of your life, is it possible

that the problem there is that you have different preferences

about how to communicate and different ideas about the

importance of text messaging? Perhaps she wasn't answering your

texts because she wasn't seeing them when you sent them and/or

wasn't in a position to be answering them? Personally, you could

try texting me until you turned blue in the face and it would do

no good because I don't do texting. If this friend is sending

you e-mail messages, it sounds to me like that's how she wants

to communicate. It sounds to me like you think e-mail messages

are an unacceptable way to communicate and feel like she's

snubbing you by using that method. It seems unlikely to me that

she sees things the same way.She's probably using the method of

communicating that works for her. Catching you up with what's

been going on in her life might be hard via text message. Not

everybody wants to communicate in short little bits of texting.

Not everybody pays constant attention to their cell phone to

deal with text messages. Also, sometimes people just go through

times in their lives where their attention needs to be elsewhere

and they don't have the energy, time or inclination to be really

available. Totally cutting off close friends for failing to

respond to text messages does seem excessive too me if that's

your only complaint. Seeing snubs where they aren't intended

may be a flea you picked up from your family. Perhaps there is

more to it than that though? Just because you were close to

someone in the past doesn't mean you should stay close.

Sometimes people just grow in different directions and don't

stay close. There should be room in your life for people who

aren't extremely close friends though. Most mentally healthy

people have a few close friends and a bunch of less close

friends plus some people they communicate with a few times a

year. If you have a range of relationships like that but just

don't want to be friends with this particular person any more,

maybe the reason isn't the text messaging so much as it is that

you've learned how to choose better friends with time and no

longer see her as the type of person you want to spend your time

with. Or maybe you're being unfair and punishing her because of

the abusive behavior of your family.

At 08:38 PM 07/04/2012 luverofnougat wrote:

>Hi.

>

>OK...so I think I'm doing good at drawing boundaries with my

>family ...it's rough...up and down emotionally...but I keep

>refocusing on protecting myself. Helped that my nada(well,

>really dad) finally returned my phone call after one month and

>funny how my mom accused me of never calling! Whatever.

>

>So, I've also been proactive with NC with other people in my

>life that I attract (like men) that play games. And then I

>recognized I had some friends that aren't really available

>either. Deleted their numbers, put their email into spam folder

>and blocked them on FB/Skype,etc.

>

>Two of those friends (sisters) are close to my heart, though.

>That is why it has hurt me so bad that after being like

>sisters...and them knowing how crazy my family is (one was my

>roomy for four years) that the last few years they have drifted

>away. Not returning even text messages. How busy can you be? I

>swear I am NOT needy or high maintenance...it is just that with

>people I really care about I'm kind of sensitive to being blown

>off. SO, I really did try to make excuses for them ...a

>lot...and then now that I've been learning about being

>proactive with protecting myself from people that don't really

>appreciate me or value my friendship or leave me feeling sad

>and frustrated...I thought that closing the door would leave me

>more available for friends that are the real deal and willing

>to invest in a real relationship.

>

>So...finally...one of these sisters has tried to connect via

>email. That pissed me off. I felt like I was demoted to email.

>Then she did try to call...but honestly...I kind of felt like I

>had moved on and didn't return the call, plus I was genuinely

>busy. Now she has emailed me AGAIN...just mentioning that it

>has been hard to get a hold of me...and then caught me up on

>their busy life.

>

>I have been emotionally confused about this. I just went for a

>walk and got emotional wondering if I had been black and white

>including them in the way I decided to treat my crazy family

>and others that don't treat me right.

>

>But ...at the same time...I think I have issues with being

>honest about my feelings without feeling whiney and pathetic. I

>can't imagine how to tell her the truth...and then after

>telling the truth...wouldn't it feel like an ultimatum? " Either

>be a real invested friend or let's part ways peacefully? " OR is

>that just me feeling weird due to being used to emotional

>blackmail from my family?

>

>I feel like I'm about to learn something from all of this...

>

>And part of what led me to these thoughts was a recent

>unrelated conversation I had with a friend ...and she said that

>the key is to always consider people's INTENTIONS...most people

>don't have bad intentions attached to their actions...AND...we

>really can't judge them anyway because we honestly can't ever

>really know people's intentions. So it is better to view things

>from this perspective.

>Meditating on this during my walk made me emotional...thinking

>about how my parents don't have bad intentions...they are just

>acting out the best way that they know how...and I guess then

>that is why we all have a choice on how and to what extent we

>are willing to interact with them.

>

>Thanks for your insight.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi, LOnougat,

I can hear your hurt. I think a lot of us KOs struggle with feeling unwanted,

overlooked, unimportant, ignored, unheard...all those related emotions that have

to do with our parents treating us like we don't have needs or feelings of our

own. It sounds to me like you're being triggered by your sister's behavior and

feeling re-injured in your old wounds. I don't think this is really a boundary

issue. There may be a tiny bit of black-and-white thinking involved, but I think

it could be more of an assertiveness or passive-aggression issue.

What would happen if you told your sister what you've been feeling? That you've

missed hearing from her...that you'd really like to talk with her over the

phone...that you miss being close...Do you think your sister is a safe person to

share your feelings with? Is your relationship one you can talk through?

As KOs we learn to avoid confrontation at all costs (because the BPD rage feels

like imminent death). Many of us don't even know what emotion we're feeling

because we have stifled and stuffed for so many years just to survive our

upbringing. Learning to communicate our feelings is a challenge, being assertive

about our needs can take years to learn.

But in short, what I see happening is, your feelings are hurt because your

sister hasn't responded for a while, and now she's writing instead of calling.

Now you're wondering if you want to talk to her at all if she's not willing to

meet your needs for you and be as close as you used to be. It's understandable

that you would be feeling injured, and I can see you are wanting to defend

yourself against hurt feelings in the future. There are other ways to do that,

though, besides cutting people out of your life.

You might want to work on acceptance...this relationship isn't what it once was.

It's easier to be close when you're living together. You've grown apart and

aren't as close as you used to be. Does that mean you shouldn't ever talk to her

again? (This is where I think you may be having some b&w thinking). To me it

sounds like you have unmet needs for friendship and closeness, you want your

sister to meet those needs for you, but she isn't. That doesn't mean you have to

" part ways. " You can just decide to find other ways to meet your needs, while

maintaining a more casual relationship with your sister.

Do you have a T you can talk to about this? It was really helpful for me.

Sveta