compassion with boundaries?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been around as much as I would like this summer. I've had quite a few

medical issues that have distracted me.  Until now. my interaction with nada has

also been pretty minimal, which has been good.

But the summer came early by us with really high temps as early as May.  My

brother and I told nada she needed to get an AC.  In her best waify form, she

declined our offer to have one installed. " No, no, I'm fine... "   (You KOs of

waifs know how it is; all she needed was the back of her hand dramatically

draped across her forehead to complete the waify Scarlett O'Hara picture. )

She has refused all offers to get her an AC or for her to come over to our house

(and this is a big sacrifice for me)  to just get some relief.

Well, anyway, yesterday was just horribly hot. She called me at work, panting

and basically telling me to take her to the store to get her an AC.  This is

where I really struggle with the compassion and boundaries.

I am going on vacation this coming week. I  need to get myself and my kids

packed and ready to go.  I told her, " Mom, I know you're very hot. But I cannot

get you an AC today. I will look into it, but you will not have an AC in your

apt today. "

Anyway, it went back and forth; she wanted it by a certain day; I told her she

would need to take a day off from work to wait for the installers, she balked.

 It's crazy.  She just wants it done her way for her schedule.

All of this to say, the store people are coming to her house tomorrow to deliver

and install. I just HATE dealing with nada for any reason. I just know she's

going to bitch about the cost of installation, about anything. Everything gets

complicated, she complains about every freaking little thing, even if you've

just sacrificed your young for her, there's always an issue. Once my husband

went to the trouble of fixing her toilet b/c she didn't want to call a plumber.

She complained for days and days about how he weakened the bottom of the toilet,

even tho he'd fixed the original problem.

It's maddening. I would love to just leave her to her own devices but I just

don't have the stomach to not help her, esp with the heat.

My husband is much kinder than I, and went to her apt to measure her window,

then went to the store to arrange for an AC to be delivered to her house.  She

called my brother to scream at him that he would need to be there for the

delivery guys when they came with it. 

Then HE calls ME to tell me what he can't tell her: " God, don't I have a life?

 Why do I have to drop everything for her, when she finally decides that she

needs an AC!? What's she gonna do if I meet someone? Is she still gonna expect

me to sleep over on Saturdays and taker her for walks on Sundays and talk 3

times a day??? "   I felt really bad for him, that he feels so trapped.  I can't

tell him anything about walking away from it. I've tried and he won't listen. 

I just need to vent; thanks for listening. I'll be more in touch soon, I

promise. I miss this board and hope everyone's managing through the summer.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

So....your nada has a job, but she can't manage to let the installers in by

herself? Why do you and your brother have to be there with her?

Just tell her no. You don't have to listen to her complain about any of it,

either. Tell her to call a T if she doesn't like the way her life is going. She

had the opportunity to have you help her earlier, but she didn't want it. You

don't have to help her now. You know that saying: Failure to plan on your part

does not constitute an emergency on my part.

I would recommend, though, trying to document as much as possible all of your

interactions with her, especially when it comes to her well-being. You may need

it down the road, if you need to show she is not willing/able to care for

herself properly, or if she levels accusations against you or your brother for

elder neglect.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

My Sister figured out long before I did that it was like shooting yourself in

the foot to attempt to help our nada do anything, or give nada advice/help nada

make a decision.

If we gave in to nada's Queenly demands or Waify pleadings for help, to, say,

help her get her house ready to sell, or help her decide which apartment complex

to move into, help her decide whether to sell some of her stocks or wait to

sell... then nada would blame whoever helped her if something went wrong, or if

the result was simply somehow short of nada's expectations. Nada needed a

scapegoat.

Sister figured out that since our nada was truly unpleasable that it didn't

really make any difference if Sister helped nada or not: Sister would get

castigated, raked over the coals and denigrated either way.

So, Sister decided to just let our nada make her own decisions and supervise her

own tasks without Sister's input. Well, for the most part. Sister did keep

doing nada's taxes for her, but a couple of years before nada died, nada got

pissed off with Sister over some damned thing or other and claimed that Sister

must be stealing from her. So Sister said something like, " Fine, if you feel

that way about me, then you can pay to have a real accountant prepare your tax

forms for you, or have someone at the senior center do your taxes for free, but

I'm not doing them anymore. "

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I haven't been around as much as I would like this summer. I've had quite a

few medical issues that have distracted me.  Until now. my interaction with nada

has also been pretty minimal, which has been good.

>

> But the summer came early by us with really high temps as early as May.  My

brother and I told nada she needed to get an AC.  In her best waify form, she

declined our offer to have one installed. " No, no, I'm fine... "   (You KOs of

waifs know how it is; all she needed was the back of her hand dramatically

draped across her forehead to complete the waify Scarlett O'Hara picture. )

>

> She has refused all offers to get her an AC or for her to come over to our

house (and this is a big sacrifice for me)  to just get some relief.

>

> Well, anyway, yesterday was just horribly hot. She called me at work, panting

and basically telling me to take her to the store to get her an AC.  This is

where I really struggle with the compassion and boundaries.

>

> I am going on vacation this coming week. I  need to get myself and my kids

packed and ready to go.  I told her, " Mom, I know you're very hot. But I cannot

get you an AC today. I will look into it, but you will not have an AC in your

apt today. "

>

> Anyway, it went back and forth; she wanted it by a certain day; I told her she

would need to take a day off from work to wait for the installers, she balked.

 It's crazy.  She just wants it done her way for her schedule.

>

> All of this to say, the store people are coming to her house tomorrow to

deliver and install. I just HATE dealing with nada for any reason. I just know

she's going to bitch about the cost of installation, about anything. Everything

gets complicated, she complains about every freaking little thing, even if

you've just sacrificed your young for her, there's always an issue. Once my

husband went to the trouble of fixing her toilet b/c she didn't want to call a

plumber. She complained for days and days about how he weakened the bottom of

the toilet, even tho he'd fixed the original problem.

>

> It's maddening. I would love to just leave her to her own devices but I just

don't have the stomach to not help her, esp with the heat.

>

> My husband is much kinder than I, and went to her apt to measure her window,

then went to the store to arrange for an AC to be delivered to her house.  She

called my brother to scream at him that he would need to be there for the

delivery guys when they came with it. 

>

> Then HE calls ME to tell me what he can't tell her: " God, don't I have a life?

 Why do I have to drop everything for her, when she finally decides that she

needs an AC!? What's she gonna do if I meet someone? Is she still gonna expect

me to sleep over on Saturdays and taker her for walks on Sundays and talk 3

times a day??? "   I felt really bad for him, that he feels so trapped.  I can't

tell him anything about walking away from it. I've tried and he won't listen. 

>

> I just need to vent; thanks for listening. I'll be more in touch soon, I

promise. I miss this board and hope everyone's managing through the summer.

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Svashtka: that's a really good point re: documenting what I've done for her. I

just talked to her and the AC installation went well (my brother's elation was

like when NASA launches a shuttle! YAY! It went well! Nada won't be upset now!

We're spared!). I really wish I had the guts to say No to her in this

situation. I mean, 75% of the time, I do tell her no and have been more choosy

about when/if I pick up the phone when she calls but these kind of situations,

where, if she collapses from the heat, the guilt really gets to me, and I have

to step in. Mercifully, my husband did all the leg work on this one, so it was

good.

Annie, what you said ( " If we gave in to nada's Queenly demands or Waify

pleadings for help... then nada would blame whoever helped her if something went

wrong " ) is EXACTLY the issue. It's easier for her to blame someone else when

something goes wrong ( " you picked out that AC, so it's your fault this all

didn't work out... " )

Her revisionist take on this dumb situation is that she thought she would die in

the extreme heat and no one would know, so she had to call and beg me to put the

AC in, b/c it wouldn't have occurred to me to get it done.

I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying something I'd regret. I reminded

her how stubborn she can be, and how many times we had urged her to get an AC.

I wish I could tell her, how irritating and inconsiderate it was of her to wait

until SHE was ready to ask about an AC. But those kind of honest conversations

always devolve into a horrible screaming match.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > I haven't been around as much as I would like this summer. I've had quite a

few medical issues that have distracted me.  Until now. my interaction with nada

has also been pretty minimal, which has been good.

> >

> > But the summer came early by us with really high temps as early as May.  My

brother and I told nada she needed to get an AC.  In her best waify form, she

declined our offer to have one installed. " No, no, I'm fine... "   (You KOs of

waifs know how it is; all she needed was the back of her hand dramatically

draped across her forehead to complete the waify Scarlett O'Hara picture. )

> >

> > She has refused all offers to get her an AC or for her to come over to our

house (and this is a big sacrifice for me)  to just get some relief.

> >

> > Well, anyway, yesterday was just horribly hot. She called me at work,

panting and basically telling me to take her to the store to get her an AC.

 This is where I really struggle with the compassion and boundaries.

> >

> > I am going on vacation this coming week. I  need to get myself and my kids

packed and ready to go.  I told her, " Mom, I know you're very hot. But I cannot

get you an AC today. I will look into it, but you will not have an AC in your

apt today. "

> >

> > Anyway, it went back and forth; she wanted it by a certain day; I told her

she would need to take a day off from work to wait for the installers, she

balked.  It's crazy.  She just wants it done her way for her schedule.

> >

> > All of this to say, the store people are coming to her house tomorrow to

deliver and install. I just HATE dealing with nada for any reason. I just know

she's going to bitch about the cost of installation, about anything. Everything

gets complicated, she complains about every freaking little thing, even if

you've just sacrificed your young for her, there's always an issue. Once my

husband went to the trouble of fixing her toilet b/c she didn't want to call a

plumber. She complained for days and days about how he weakened the bottom of

the toilet, even tho he'd fixed the original problem.

> >

> > It's maddening. I would love to just leave her to her own devices but I just

don't have the stomach to not help her, esp with the heat.

> >

> > My husband is much kinder than I, and went to her apt to measure her window,

then went to the store to arrange for an AC to be delivered to her house.  She

called my brother to scream at him that he would need to be there for the

delivery guys when they came with it. 

> >

> > Then HE calls ME to tell me what he can't tell her: " God, don't I have a

life?  Why do I have to drop everything for her, when she finally decides that

she needs an AC!? What's she gonna do if I meet someone? Is she still gonna

expect me to sleep over on Saturdays and taker her for walks on Sundays and talk

3 times a day??? "   I felt really bad for him, that he feels so trapped.  I

can't tell him anything about walking away from it. I've tried and he won't

listen. 

> >

> > I just need to vent; thanks for listening. I'll be more in touch soon, I

promise. I miss this board and hope everyone's managing through the summer.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >