Mom Relationship on the Edge

[Guest guest]

I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult for me to

deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized this. I've

become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls shorter to

have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close before but

looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've moved on from

it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing thinking she

was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and done what I can

to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her and want to be

in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to say how I

betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to explain to

her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks about what I

did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong and

this is one of the most frustrating things.

The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or she's not

talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel

insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on eggshells.

My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And before, after

seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her wrong, but now I

see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her against people. She

thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is rude in someway that

they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she doesn't need people like

that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this was just for other people

people who had harmed her, until she started doing it to me. Until she started

telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she wanted or started doing stuff

the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't talk to me either. I'm her

daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when I've done nothing wrong, or at

least not something that calls for exile, maybe something that calls for a fight

but not exile.

I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything to her, the

slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love her or care

for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But lately I

haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more open to

what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I love

her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my realization

of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be salvaged.

[Guest guest]

Its hard to accept, but a person can't really change the way they perceive the

world, the way they think and the way they behave unless they *want* to change,

pretty strongly.

If a person sees herself as a victim and that all her problems are coming from

outside herself, from other people, then she will see no reason to change

herself. This is the nature of personality disorder.

This is how personality disorder thinks: " There's nothing wrong with ME, why

should *I* change anything about myself? YOU are the one causing all my

problems, you are the one who is messed up, mean and hateful; YOU are the one

who needs a therapist! "

All we have the power to do is to change the way we, ourselves, choose to

respond to inappropriate behavior from a parent with bpd.

There are a lot of good books out there now about managing difficult people/

those who have personality disorder. Books like " The Essential Family Guide to

BPD " , " Toxic Parents " , " Boundaries " , " Understanding the Borderline Mother " and

" Surviving A Borderline Parent. " There is even a support group for those who

are the family members of alcoholics, and from what I've read, " dry drunk "

behavior is a hell of a lot like personality disorder; like, nearly identical.

I think this family support group is called AlAnon (?) and they have in-person

meetings.

Unfortunately, and its very sad, we often have to give up the idea that

something we can do or say can break through the personality-disordered person's

skewed thinking and roller-coaster moods and emotions, give them an epiphany of

understanding and the desire to change. The reality is that if you do develop

the ability to set and maintain healthy emotional boundaries with your pd

parent, *sometimes* that will motivate them to seek to change their behaviors,

but sometimes it will not.

Its just not possible to have a rational, reasonable discussion about your

relationship with an irrational person; personality disorder makes a person

rather irrational. Emotions dominate, and to the person with bpd, *their

feelings become facts.* That is irrational, and you can't argue with

irrational.

So, I hope you will begin reading all you can about personality disorder, about

ways of managing a relationship with someone who isn't really very rational, and

about ways of setting up and maintaining reasonable, healthy boundaries for

yourself. I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult for me

to deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized this.

I've become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls shorter

to have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close before but

looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

>

> Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've moved on

from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing thinking

she was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and done what I

can to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her and want to

be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to say how I

betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to explain to

her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks about what I

did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong and

this is one of the most frustrating things.

>

> The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or she's

not talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel

insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on eggshells.

My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And before, after

seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her wrong, but now I

see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her against people. She

thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is rude in someway that

they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she doesn't need people like

that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this was just for other people

people who had harmed her, until she started doing it to me. Until she started

telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she wanted or started doing stuff

the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't talk to me either. I'm her

daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when I've done nothing wrong, or at

least not something that calls for exile, maybe something that calls for a fight

but not exile.

>

> I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything to her,

the slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love her or

care for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But lately I

haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more open to

what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I love

her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

>

> I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my

realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be

salvaged.

>

[Guest guest]

I understand- as my mom's BPD worsened I had to distance myself further and

further. I think it's natural and healthy that this is happening though.

Realizing the dysfunction and then taking steps to not fall into her traps and

manipulation is healthy for you, and it doesn't seem like it but healthy for her

too. The more you play into her crazy the more it feeds the crazy. As you

continue to set boundaries and enforce them she will lash out but eventually

become used to them. I know it hurts, but think of it as necessary for emotional

survival. I don't have any blood family either- you have to create your own

family through healthy friendships. I'm sorry you are going through this. You

know that it doesn't mean you don't love your mom. But know that she feels that

way because she is mentally ill.

> >

> > I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult for

me to deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized this.

I've become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls shorter

to have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close before but

looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

> >

> > Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've moved on

from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing thinking

she was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and done what I

can to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her and want to

be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to say how I

betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to explain to

her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks about what I

did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong and

this is one of the most frustrating things.

> >

> > The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or she's

not talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel

insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on eggshells.

My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And before, after

seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her wrong, but now I

see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her against people. She

thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is rude in someway that

they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she doesn't need people like

that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this was just for other people

people who had harmed her, until she started doing it to me. Until she started

telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she wanted or started doing stuff

the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't talk to me either. I'm her

daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when I've done nothing wrong, or at

least not something that calls for exile, maybe something that calls for a fight

but not exile.

> >

> > I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything to her,

the slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love her or

care for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But lately I

haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more open to

what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I love

her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

> >

> > I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my

realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be

salvaged.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ponnie,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. One thing that it is

really important to understand about BPD is that people who have

it simply don't believe they're doing anything wrong and you

can't change that. You can't change her thinking and you can't

change her behavior. She has to want to change it herself before

any change will occur. If you just continue doing things they

way you've been doing them, she's not going to see any reason to

change. A second important thing to remember is that while you

can't change her, you can change the way you react to her.

Since you're not going to change the thinking that leads to the

behavior that isn't acceptable, the only hope of getting her to

change how she acts is to get her to see that it is to her

advantage to change. As long as she gets what she wants from

behaving that way, she's going to keep doing it. So the thing to

do is change your behavior. You can change your behavior so that

she doesn't get what she wants. (You can also change your

behavior to protect yourself but that often means limiting

contact or even cutting it off altogether.) From your

description, I'd say she wants you to devote your time to

" winning " her affection. What I'd do in that situation is stop

apologizing for anything that wasn't a mistake or failing of

some sort on your part. If you do something that calls for an

apology, then apologize in a way that befits the thing you're

apologizing for. Don't give in to demands to give excessive

apologies or multiple apologies for the same event. If she

demands that you do so or she's not going to talk to her, be

calm, don't argue with her, and let her not talk to you for a

while. " I'm sorry you feel that way. We can talk again when

you're feeling calmer. " is one possible way to respond. After

that you leave or hang up the phone. Arguing about it or trying

to talk her out of it gives her what she wants which reinforces

the bad behavior. It is likely that she'll soon be talking to

you again, acting like the previous threat to never talk to you

again didn't happen. Threatening to never talk to you again is a

fairly common tactic with nadas and fadas. ( " Nada " is the term

we use for our unmotherly mothers with BPD. Fada is the

corresponding term for fathers.) It rarely lasts long because if

they aren't speaking to you, then they're not getting what they

want from you.

If playing the victim is part of what she does, there are ways

to respond to that without encouraging it too. " I can see you're

upset. That's too bad. Talking about it is obviously upsetting

you so let's talk about something more cheerful. " Then change

the subject. The trick is to take control of where the

conversation is going and to acknowledge her feelings without

feeding them. Refusing to listen to my nada's catalog of wrongs

done to her has done wonders for my relationship with her. Over

the years she has seen that she doesn't get sympathy from me

when she rants and raves about various people and not only that,

I end the contact with her when she continues after I tell her

I'm not willing to talk about it. Since she wants contact with

me and she wants me to do things for her, she manages to control

her desire to bad-mouth people when she's talking to me. If I'd

continued to listen to her doing that she'd never have stopped

though. Some nadas can be trained to control themselves to some

extent, some can't.

It may help if you visualize her as being a toddler emotionally.

At 12:15 AM 07/12/2012 ponnie5 wrote:

>I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very

>difficult for me to deal with because our relationship has

>changed since I've realized this. I've become more distant

>from her and have tried to cut our phone calls shorter to have

>less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close

>before but looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

>

>Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now

>I've moved on from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame

>me for the entire thing thinking she was only the victim and

>did nothing wrong. I've apologized and done what I can to save

>the relationship because she is my mother and I love her and

>want to be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and

>continues to say how I betrayed her and what a horrible person

>I am. Every time I try to explain to her how I felt due to her

>actions she dismisses me and only talks about what I did to her

>and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong

>and this is one of the most frustrating things.

>

>The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her

>way or she's not talking to me ever again. This really hurts

>my feelings and makes me feel insecure, as if I don't have a

>family to turn to. It's walking on eggshells. My mom has

>pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And before,

>after seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did

>her wrong, but now I see how the littlest things can set her

>off and turn her against people. She thinks if someone does

>something she doesn't like or is rude in someway that they are

>out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she doesn't need

>people like that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought

>this was just for other people people who had harmed her, until

>she started doing it to me. Until she started telling me that

>if I didn't apologize the way she wanted or started doing stuff

>the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't talk to me

>either. I'm her daughter and she's willing to do that to me,

>when I've done nothing wrong, or at least not something that

>calls for exile, maybe something that calls for a fight but not

>exile.

>

>I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say

>anything to her, the slightest criticism turns into a defensive

>rant on how I don't love her or care for her. So then I try my

>hardest to win back her affection. But lately I haven't been

>trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more open to

>what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't

>love her. I love her but it's just been so hard to deal with

>her attitude and her constant feelings of depression and hate

>towards me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

>

>I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear

>that my realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and

>our relationship can't be salvaged.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I feel for you...it sounds like we're in about the same place as far all this

being new. It looks like we've found the right place to gain more

understanding!

>

> I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult for me

to deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized this.

I've become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls shorter

to have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close before but

looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

>

> Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've moved on

from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing thinking

she was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and done what I

can to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her and want to

be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to say how I

betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to explain to

her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks about what I

did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong and

this is one of the most frustrating things.

>

> The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or she's

not talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me feel

insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on eggshells.

My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And before, after

seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her wrong, but now I

see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her against people. She

thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is rude in someway that

they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she doesn't need people like

that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this was just for other people

people who had harmed her, until she started doing it to me. Until she started

telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she wanted or started doing stuff

the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't talk to me either. I'm her

daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when I've done nothing wrong, or at

least not something that calls for exile, maybe something that calls for a fight

but not exile.

>

> I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything to her,

the slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love her or

care for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But lately I

haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more open to

what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I love

her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

>

> I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my

realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be

salvaged.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm very new to this group. So reading what you wrote I can now see I'm not

alone. I also just found out BPD. Growing up I never new what was wrong with my

mom. When I got married 10 years ago it got worse. After my 1st child was born

she was on the biggest high. At the time I did not see what see was doing. My

husband got pushed out. When our 2nd child was born that is when it got really

bad. My husband and I did not want the same thing to happen. We put our foot

down and she lost it. With a newborn baby and a 4 year old at home I was busy. I

would not take her calls and she called so much that I shut the phone off. That

made her mad and she broke in to my house.Started yelling at me getting in my

face with my baby in my arms. My dad showed up she yelled at him. Told him to

leave he said he just came over to color with my son.Really your wife has lost

it and that is all you say. My dad has never stood up for me. He wants to make

it easy on him. Now we have not had a relationship for a year now. When I told

her I was pg again she stopped speaking to me. She also made sure to gather

other family members around her by telling then things that are not true. She

says I dont want to be a part of the family. Not true I just dont want her

telling my son that we hate Mimi and papa. Now I got a card saying lets just

forget all the emails we have sent. I'm going crazy with 3 kids and parents that

I can not trust.

> > >

> > > I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult for

me to deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized this.

I've become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls shorter

to have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close before but

looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

> > >

> > > Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've moved on

from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing thinking

she was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and done what I

can to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her and want to

be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to say how I

betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to explain to

her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks about what I

did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong and

this is one of the most frustrating things.

> > >

> > > The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or

she's not talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me

feel insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on

eggshells. My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And

before, after seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her

wrong, but now I see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her

against people. She thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is

rude in someway that they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she

doesn't need people like that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this

was just for other people people who had harmed her, until she started doing it

to me. Until she started telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she

wanted or started doing stuff the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't

talk to me either. I'm her daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when

I've done nothing wrong, or at least not something that calls for exile, maybe

something that calls for a fight but not exile.

> > >

> > > I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything to

her, the slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love her

or care for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But

lately I haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more

open to what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I

love her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

> > >

> > > I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my

realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be

salvaged.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Hope,

Yes, the behaviors you describe your mother engaging in are really similar to

many other posts here from your fellow KOs (adult Kids OF bpd parents).

You are not alone!

I'm sure that members here who have children and who are experiencing similar

issues with " Queen " type bpd mothers (controlling, aggressive, narcissistic)

will be able to share some first-hand experiences RE what has and hasn't worked

for them. Establishing firm boundaries with any type of bpd mother isn't easy,

particularly one who is *accustomed* to being catered to and getting her own way

by being domineering, threatening and intrusive, as you have discovered. (And

" Queen " bpds often marry very submissive, enabling, enmeshed men, btw. We

sometimes call them " dishrag dads. " )

When you and your husband set a boundary with her she upped the ante in an

attempt to intimidate you into becoming compliant and obedient again.

I commend you for holding your ground. You have taken the hard step of changing

the power dynamic in your relationship with your bpd mother, and she is balking,

rearing and kicking like a wild horse. She is engaging in a disinformation

campaign designed to make you look like the villains and make herself appear to

be the pitiful victim. Its pretty common bpd behavior from the many, many

similar posts here.

Best of luck to you; you will always be able to find support and validation

here.

-Annie

>

> I'm very new to this group. So reading what you wrote I can now see I'm not

alone. I also just found out BPD. Growing up I never new what was wrong with my

mom. When I got married 10 years ago it got worse. After my 1st child was born

she was on the biggest high. At the time I did not see what see was doing. My

husband got pushed out. When our 2nd child was born that is when it got really

bad. My husband and I did not want the same thing to happen. We put our foot

down and she lost it. With a newborn baby and a 4 year old at home I was busy. I

would not take her calls and she called so much that I shut the phone off. That

made her mad and she broke in to my house.Started yelling at me getting in my

face with my baby in my arms. My dad showed up she yelled at him. Told him to

leave he said he just came over to color with my son.Really your wife has lost

it and that is all you say. My dad has never stood up for me. He wants to make

it easy on him. Now we have not had a relationship for a year now. When I told

her I was pg again she stopped speaking to me. She also made sure to gather

other family members around her by telling then things that are not true. She

says I dont want to be a part of the family. Not true I just dont want her

telling my son that we hate Mimi and papa. Now I got a card saying lets just

forget all the emails we have sent. I'm going crazy with 3 kids and parents that

I can not trust.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for all your posts and support. It's very helpful reading your

encouraging words and suggestions and knowing that you're all going through the

same thing.

It's been hard and scary making these realizations and knowing that there really

isn't anything I can do about them until nada wants to help herself.

I too know what it's like for my Dad to take sides because it'll be easier for

him. And how nada spins it so she's the victim and I'm the bad guy.

When in reality all I really want to do is forget and move on, but in nada's

mind that's not possible. I feel like we're at a standstill, but I don't see

how it can be resolved.

> > > >

> > > > I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult

for me to deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized

this. I've become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls

shorter to have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close

before but looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

> > > >

> > > > Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've moved

on from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing

thinking she was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and

done what I can to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her

and want to be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to

say how I betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to

explain to her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks

about what I did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything

wrong and this is one of the most frustrating things.

> > > >

> > > > The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or

she's not talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me

feel insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on

eggshells. My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And

before, after seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her

wrong, but now I see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her

against people. She thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is

rude in someway that they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she

doesn't need people like that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this

was just for other people people who had harmed her, until she started doing it

to me. Until she started telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she

wanted or started doing stuff the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't

talk to me either. I'm her daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when

I've done nothing wrong, or at least not something that calls for exile, maybe

something that calls for a fight but not exile.

> > > >

> > > > I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything to

her, the slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love her

or care for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But

lately I haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more

open to what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I

love her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

> > > >

> > > > I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my

realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be

salvaged.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow it seems everytime I log in to the group I find more and more stuff I can

relate to and that there are so many things I never connected with nada's bpd.

My ex husband was pushed out too....from the time I was in labor with our

daughter, nada coached me, when the doctor decided to do an emergency c-section,

nada was angry that my husband was going to be at my side and not her. After my

daughter was born, and since....13 years later, its almost like I'm the

surrogate, the father (we divorced a year after our dd was born, in large part

because of nada) is an " undeserving lazy fat asshole who shouldn't have any

rights to her " and nada thinks she is the MOM. I have been NC for a month, and

have struggled with the whole FOG thing since.....do I contact...do I not

contact....to the point when my brother and kids came 8 hours to visit, I didn't

get to see him, because I was told I 'needed to apologize for not calling for a

month and yelling at my mom'. UGG!

It's so refreshing to know I am NOT alone in these struggles...and I am working

on setting up consistent boundaries if I do decide to let them back in my and my

daughter's life. Its so frustrating...and exhausting!!

> > > > >

> > > > > I found out this year that my Mom has BPD and it's been very difficult

for me to deal with because our relationship has changed since I've realized

this. I've become more distant from her and have tried to cut our phone calls

shorter to have less interaction. Which has been hard since we were close

before but looking back it wasn't a healthy relationship.

> > > > >

> > > > > Long story short, My mom and I got into a huge fight and now I've

moved on from it but she hasn't. She continues to blame me for the entire thing

thinking she was only the victim and did nothing wrong. I've apologized and

done what I can to save the relationship because she is my mother and I love her

and want to be in her life, but she continues to bring it up and continues to

say how I betrayed her and what a horrible person I am. Every time I try to

explain to her how I felt due to her actions she dismisses me and only talks

about what I did to her and her feelings. She doesn't believe she did anything

wrong and this is one of the most frustrating things.

> > > > >

> > > > > The ultimatums are the worst though, it's fix this problem her way or

she's not talking to me ever again. This really hurts my feelings and makes me

feel insecure, as if I don't have a family to turn to. It's walking on

eggshells. My mom has pushed people out of her life, family and friends. And

before, after seeing how hurt my Mom was, I thought it was them who did her

wrong, but now I see how the littlest things can set her off and turn her

against people. She thinks if someone does something she doesn't like or is

rude in someway that they are out to get her, abusive people, etc...and she

doesn't need people like that in her life so she cuts them off. I thought this

was just for other people people who had harmed her, until she started doing it

to me. Until she started telling me that if I didn't apologize the way she

wanted or started doing stuff the way she wanted to be treated then she wouldn't

talk to me either. I'm her daughter and she's willing to do that to me, when

I've done nothing wrong, or at least not something that calls for exile, maybe

something that calls for a fight but not exile.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm realizing my mom likes to play the victim. I can't say anything

to her, the slightest criticism turns into a defensive rant on how I don't love

her or care for her. So then I try my hardest to win back her affection. But

lately I haven't been trying so hard to win back her affection since I'm more

open to what's going on. And she takes this as a sign that I don't love her. I

love her but it's just been so hard to deal with her attitude and her constant

feelings of depression and hate towards me. I just don't know what to do

anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > I fear her BPD is getting worse as she gets older and I fear that my

realization of her BPD is causing a further rift and our relationship can't be

salvaged.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>