Mom is undiagnosed BPD. I am engaged to be married.

[Guest guest]

It is very complicated but my Mother is an undiagnosed BPD but clearly has

all the symptoms of being one. I am engaged to be married and I knew for

years that the planning of my wedding, the wedding itself and afterward

will be hell with my BPD Mother. She makes suggestions and I answer

truthfully, not rudely, and I am accused of treating her like a doormat,

shunning all of her suggestions and being plain rude. She told our

therapist that she hasn't been made aware of any details in regards to my

wedding when in reality she has very much been either involved or at lead

made aware of things that I have decided. I can't give her any control

because then it will be made about her and not about me. I am also paying

for my own wedding.

So these are my questions:

How do I hold myself back from losing my cool when she starts harassing me

to do something I don't want to do? Typically I either let her win or I

stand my ground. Standing my ground usually winds up being a huge fight how

I don't respect her, blah blah blah.

This weekend we have a barbecue where my family and my fiancé's family are

going to officially meet. I can predict that she will be cold to me the

whole time and it will be uncomfortable. How do I minimize my interaction

with her without cutting out out completely? I'd rather that my new family

not have to feel like time spent with my family sucks.

In general, how to I keep from losing my cool with her? Also, how do I

change myself to live with her and her disorder? I know she won't change

but it gives me lots of anxiety.

--

Jordana

[Guest guest]

Hi Jordana, Welcome to the Group, to you and to all the new members.

Those with borderline pd seem to have a weak sense of their own sense of self, a

weak sense of personal boundaries; they don't know where they stop and you

begin. Parents with bpd seem to also assign roles to their children. You

aren't " you " to your mother; perhaps she sees you as a younger reflection of

herself, or as *her* parent, or as her therapist, bff, substitute

spouse/protector, or perhaps she sees you as being perpetually your 5 year old

self.

There are books about managing having a relationship with a difficult (read:

personality disordered) person, that include techniques like validating their

feelings without letting their feelings manipulate you. Books like " The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline PD " , " Understanding The Borderline Mother " ,

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " , " Boundaries " , and more (there is a reading

list at the home site of this Group.)

A technique I used is called " Medium Chill " , but I believe its designed

particularly for short-term use, when you find that you have no choice but to be

in contact with a difficult, emotionally needy or domineering, intrusive

individual. Its about shutting off your own emotional reaction to just about

anything they say, while remaining pleasant, polite and civil. You're there,

you're pleasant, you're just NOT engaging emotionally but in a very subtle way.

You can read the short article about it at post #132289.

Its just unfortunately part of having a mother with bpd, that when you begin to

set reasonable, adult boundaries for yourself (important point: boundaries are

for YOU) that your bpd mother will balk and maybe even tantrum or rage at you

about it. Or sulk, or give you the silent treatment; whatever her usual,

favored manipulative tactic is. (For example, a good boundary is that you will

no longer tolerate being raged at. If your mother begins raging at you, you

just say very calmly something like " Mother, I won't listen to you when you

scream at me and call me names; I'm hanging up the phone now/leaving now. We

can talk about this later when you are calmer. " etc.)

Sometimes it helps to keep in mind that those with bpd are often operating at a

very, very immature emotional level: at toddler level, pretty much, and that

you are actually the only adult in the room if its just the two of you together.

So, perhaps " Medium Chill " will help you. Losing your cool doesn't help, and it

won't change her. Lowering your expectations of your mother may help you

achieve greater emotional detachment; you can't expect a toddler to have empathy

or compassion for others.

The bottom line: it takes a paradigm-shift in your own thinking, something like

" I can *choose* to not respond emotionally when my mother is being provocative

like a toddler; I'm the adult and I have all the power. "

Educating yourself about personality disorder and bpd in particular can help you

in several ways. It can help take away misplaced, inappropriate feelings of

responsibility/ guilt for managing your mother's feelings/well-being that your

mother may have saddled you with, it can help you realize that you didn't cause

her to be the way she is and that you can't change her, and it can give you the

perspective that emotional distance allows you to shift the power dynamic in the

relationship, allowing you to assume your adult power. (And realize that you

don't need mommy's permission or agreement or even her understanding or

cooperation to assume your adult power.)

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> It is very complicated but my Mother is an undiagnosed BPD but clearly has

> all the symptoms of being one. I am engaged to be married and I knew for

> years that the planning of my wedding, the wedding itself and afterward

> will be hell with my BPD Mother. She makes suggestions and I answer

> truthfully, not rudely, and I am accused of treating her like a doormat,

> shunning all of her suggestions and being plain rude. She told our

> therapist that she hasn't been made aware of any details in regards to my

> wedding when in reality she has very much been either involved or at lead

> made aware of things that I have decided. I can't give her any control

> because then it will be made about her and not about me. I am also paying

> for my own wedding.

>

> So these are my questions:

>

> How do I hold myself back from losing my cool when she starts harassing me

> to do something I don't want to do? Typically I either let her win or I

> stand my ground. Standing my ground usually winds up being a huge fight how

> I don't respect her, blah blah blah.

>

> This weekend we have a barbecue where my family and my fiancé's family are

> going to officially meet. I can predict that she will be cold to me the

> whole time and it will be uncomfortable. How do I minimize my interaction

> with her without cutting out out completely? I'd rather that my new family

> not have to feel like time spent with my family sucks.

>

> In general, how to I keep from losing my cool with her? Also, how do I

> change myself to live with her and her disorder? I know she won't change

> but it gives me lots of anxiety.

>

> --

> Jordana

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Its a hard one my friend I don't envy you one bit. Before I got help along time

ago my nada walked me down the aisle with my dad, I waited for her because she

was not ready which made me 45 mins late for my own wedding, she had a fight

with my dad and she threatened to divorce him infront of my guests and

definately made it about her. In hindsight everytime I thought I fixed an issue

with democracy it was like she krpt doing stuff to test me. Learn medium chill

technique and do what is best for u not her. I wished I knew all this 8 years

ago. And it is hard because you feel entrenched with them and guilty but only u

can control yourself not her. She will never take responsibility for what she

has done, trust me I know

------------------------------

>Hi Jordana, Welcome to the Group, to you and to all the new members.

>

>Those with borderline pd seem to have a weak sense of their own sense of self,

a weak sense of personal boundaries; they don't know where they stop and you

begin. Parents with bpd seem to also assign roles to their children. You

aren't " you " to your mother; perhaps she sees you as a younger reflection of

herself, or as *her* parent, or as her therapist, bff, substitute

spouse/protector, or perhaps she sees you as being perpetually your 5 year old

self.

>

>There are books about managing having a relationship with a difficult (read:

personality disordered) person, that include techniques like validating their

feelings without letting their feelings manipulate you. Books like " The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline PD " , " Understanding The Borderline Mother " ,

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " , " Boundaries " , and more (there is a reading

list at the home site of this Group.)

>

>A technique I used is called " Medium Chill " , but I believe its designed

particularly for short-term use, when you find that you have no choice but to be

in contact with a difficult, emotionally needy or domineering, intrusive

individual. Its about shutting off your own emotional reaction to just about

anything they say, while remaining pleasant, polite and civil. You're there,

you're pleasant, you're just NOT engaging emotionally but in a very subtle way.

You can read the short article about it at post #132289.

>

>Its just unfortunately part of having a mother with bpd, that when you begin to

set reasonable, adult boundaries for yourself (important point: boundaries are

for YOU) that your bpd mother will balk and maybe even tantrum or rage at you

about it. Or sulk, or give you the silent treatment; whatever her usual,

favored manipulative tactic is. (For example, a good boundary is that you will

no longer tolerate being raged at. If your mother begins raging at you, you

just say very calmly something like " Mother, I won't listen to you when you

scream at me and call me names; I'm hanging up the phone now/leaving now. We

can talk about this later when you are calmer. " etc.)

>

>Sometimes it helps to keep in mind that those with bpd are often operating at a

very, very immature emotional level: at toddler level, pretty much, and that

you are actually the only adult in the room if its just the two of you together.

>

>So, perhaps " Medium Chill " will help you. Losing your cool doesn't help, and

it won't change her. Lowering your expectations of your mother may help you

achieve greater emotional detachment; you can't expect a toddler to have empathy

or compassion for others.

>

>The bottom line: it takes a paradigm-shift in your own thinking, something like

" I can *choose* to not respond emotionally when my mother is being provocative

like a toddler; I'm the adult and I have all the power. "

>

>Educating yourself about personality disorder and bpd in particular can help

you in several ways. It can help take away misplaced, inappropriate feelings of

responsibility/ guilt for managing your mother's feelings/well-being that your

mother may have saddled you with, it can help you realize that you didn't cause

her to be the way she is and that you can't change her, and it can give you the

perspective that emotional distance allows you to shift the power dynamic in the

relationship, allowing you to assume your adult power. (And realize that you

don't need mommy's permission or agreement or even her understanding or

cooperation to assume your adult power.)

>

>I hope that helps.

>

>-Annie

>

>

>

>

>>

>> It is very complicated but my Mother is an undiagnosed BPD but clearly has

>> all the symptoms of being one. I am engaged to be married and I knew for

>> years that the planning of my wedding, the wedding itself and afterward

>> will be hell with my BPD Mother. She makes suggestions and I answer

>> truthfully, not rudely, and I am accused of treating her like a doormat,

>> shunning all of her suggestions and being plain rude. She told our

>> therapist that she hasn't been made aware of any details in regards to my

>> wedding when in reality she has very much been either involved or at lead

>> made aware of things that I have decided. I can't give her any control

>> because then it will be made about her and not about me. I am also paying

>> for my own wedding.

>>

>> So these are my questions:

>>

>> How do I hold myself back from losing my cool when she starts harassing me

>> to do something I don't want to do? Typically I either let her win or I

>> stand my ground. Standing my ground usually winds up being a huge fight how

>> I don't respect her, blah blah blah.

>>

>> This weekend we have a barbecue where my family and my fiancé's family are

>> going to officially meet. I can predict that she will be cold to me the

>> whole time and it will be uncomfortable. How do I minimize my interaction

>> with her without cutting out out completely? I'd rather that my new family

>> not have to feel like time spent with my family sucks.

>>

>> In general, how to I keep from losing my cool with her? Also, how do I

>> change myself to live with her and her disorder? I know she won't change

>> but it gives me lots of anxiety.

>>

>> --

>> Jordana

>>

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Firstly welcome to the group (I'm a new member myself) and secondly and most

importantly congratulations on your engagement. I recently myself got married.

the BPD is my mother in law, but as the bride and as the one doing all of the

planning I had more than my share of interaction with the BPD parent. I can't

begin to tell you the terror that was inflicted on my husband and I during our

engagement. It was the most stressful terrifying time of my life. I almost

walked away several times and the only reason thing that kept me going was

knowing that my husband always put me first. When we were dating (only a little

over a year) things changed between his dynamic with his immediate family but

only once we got engaged that the BPD really came out in full force to the

extent that it was readily diagnosed by our therapist.

I can only say that the best thing that happened during our engagement is that

it made us stronger as a couple, it made us communicate better and learn how to

not repeat the same patterns. We had a very very short engagement (only 3

months) we decided this because before we got engaged we anticapted some

backlash so we decided to limit the time that we would be under stress that is

one major benefit that really helped. The less time you have to deal with the

wedding the better. Second we let our officiant know everything our concerns our

fears our expectations. We had a constant conversation with him about the

wedding. We made stragery plans if his mom acted out under the chuppah (jewish

wedding canopy) before the wedding at the reception. and to be honest with you

we even sat down and discussed what levels of behavoir we were willing to

tolerate and let her continue to be at hte wedding and what we weren't willing

to tolerate.

The other thing besides telling the officiant we also had " bodyguards " and a

safe word for the day of the wedding. I wanted my wedding day at least the

prepartion to be a private time for me to reflect and spend time praying (as the

custom for orthodox jews) so I had two bridesmaid with me that knew a safe word

we discussed before and whenever I said it meant that my space physically,

mentally or emotionally was being intruded (it worked great even with dealing

with the photographer when I wanted a private moment) and also they were always

with me so that his mom couldn't approach me without going through someone and

they would ask oh what do you need and that way I wouldn't have to deal with it.

In regards to planning the actual wedding it's hard, my parents graciously paid

for the majority of the wedding with my husband and myself contributing but it

was hard because it wasn't enough that we invited all of his extended family we

had to invite his parents friends as well and the list of demands was long. At

some point you have to put your foot down. You have to look at your budget see

what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not.

The most important thing you have to remember is that it's your wedding. I hated

our engagement and I still have a lot of anger from it and also from some things

that happened at the wedding (I've only been married 3 months, so I need some

time to resolve it) but just beware that once the wedding is over it doesn't

stop because you have to deal with thank you cards and wedding presents that

they might hold hostage just to see you. As annoying as that is the point is

that it's a long term process to learn how to build those boundaries.

The most important thing is that you have to set realistic expectations for your

wedding. Try and imagine what you want your wedding day to be, the whole day

from waking up to leaving the reception aside from the flowers and the

photography and just try and create that atmosphere with the people that do love

you and support you.

In regarding to interaction with the parents, our respective parents didn't

meant while we were dating because of fear between my husband and myself of what

would happen but I talked to my parents about the reality of the situation so

that they were aware of their expectations as well. When we got engaged, my MIL

demanded that she met my parents that same weekend before we could have an

engagement party and my parents drove 4 hours to meet them and they never showed

(all because she said that if we wanted to her to show up after she made the

demand to meet my parents, that we would have to apologize to her for getting

engaged and leaving her, she made this request to my husband) It's very easy to

fall into the trap of comparing the two sets of parents but be careful it's a

slippery slope that might enrage the BPD more. My parents didn't meet his family

until my bridal shower a couple weeks before the wedding (again we only had a 3

months engagement so after the shower they met again 3 weeks later at the

wedding).

I don't know if this helped but I hope it did and good luck!!!! Let it be a

joyous time as much as possible.

> >>

> >> It is very complicated but my Mother is an undiagnosed BPD but clearly has

> >> all the symptoms of being one. I am engaged to be married and I knew for

> >> years that the planning of my wedding, the wedding itself and afterward

> >> will be hell with my BPD Mother. She makes suggestions and I answer

> >> truthfully, not rudely, and I am accused of treating her like a doormat,

> >> shunning all of her suggestions and being plain rude. She told our

> >> therapist that she hasn't been made aware of any details in regards to my

> >> wedding when in reality she has very much been either involved or at lead

> >> made aware of things that I have decided. I can't give her any control

> >> because then it will be made about her and not about me. I am also paying

> >> for my own wedding.

> >>

> >> So these are my questions:

> >>

> >> How do I hold myself back from losing my cool when she starts harassing me

> >> to do something I don't want to do? Typically I either let her win or I

> >> stand my ground. Standing my ground usually winds up being a huge fight how

> >> I don't respect her, blah blah blah.

> >>

> >> This weekend we have a barbecue where my family and my fiancé's family are

> >> going to officially meet. I can predict that she will be cold to me the

> >> whole time and it will be uncomfortable. How do I minimize my interaction

> >> with her without cutting out out completely? I'd rather that my new family

> >> not have to feel like time spent with my family sucks.

> >>

> >> In general, how to I keep from losing my cool with her? Also, how do I

> >> change myself to live with her and her disorder? I know she won't change

> >> but it gives me lots of anxiety.

> >>

> >> --

> >> Jordana

> >>

> >>

> >>