Guest guest Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 15, 2012 Report Share Posted July 15, 2012 , I know for me the guilt part of FOG hasn't gone away yet. I was just talking about that with DH today, telling him I am feeling so sickly guilty because I haven't gone to see NADA in the nursing home in too long, even though I know she's in capable hands. But I know there are other people here who are further along in their journey to wellness and I'm sure they'll be along shortly to offer insight. Meanwhile try not to let her empty threats get to you. Like you say, she's not under your care, so it's not your problem.... We were just raised to believe it is. Grrrr. Em > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > ~ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Just the mantra " Let it go " . If its not one thing, it'll be another. We've all been there. All of a sudden this past weekend its all my fault my 8 year old acts like a typical 8 year old because his father left me (because of nada) and we both give him to much etc... and back in her day there weren't divorces and the kids weren't screwed up. She didn't appreciate me reminding her that her own mother was twice divorced, three times married.  Deep breath and know we're all there with you. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, July 15, 2012 11:17 PM Subject: Does the guilt ever end??  My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 I have a great magnet right above my computer screen at work that helps me through tough times with nada - Let Go or Be Dragged. I am currently taking care of a 16 year old boy with severe autism this week so his parents can go on their one vacation a year and nada told me she is jealous and resentful of him because of the time he gets me and she doesn't. She's ridiculous.  Hope everyone has a good week...! ________________________________ To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Monday, July 16, 2012 9:07 AM Subject: Re: Does the guilt ever end??  Just the mantra " Let it go " . If its not one thing, it'll be another. We've all been there. All of a sudden this past weekend its all my fault my 8 year old acts like a typical 8 year old because his father left me (because of nada) and we both give him to much etc... and back in her day there weren't divorces and the kids weren't screwed up. She didn't appreciate me reminding her that her own mother was twice divorced, three times married.  Deep breath and know we're all there with you. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, July 15, 2012 11:17 PM Subject: Does the guilt ever end??  My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks Em, it's just so nice to know that I'm not alone. That is amazing after years of feeling like I was crazy. I love " Grrrrr " ...that sums up a great deal of what I'm feeling ~ > > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > > > ~ > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks , I've been taking a lot of deep breaths and am so happy there are people here who can relate. It all seems like so much to handle in my own world but just knowing that you all are here is like weights taken off my shoulders. Empathy is an amazing thing. Thanks for the response ~ > > Just the mantra " Let it go " . If its not one thing, it'll be another. We've all been there. All of a sudden this past weekend its all my fault my 8 year old acts like a typical 8 year old because his father left me (because of nada) and we both give him to much etc... and back in her day there weren't divorces and the kids weren't screwed up. She didn't appreciate me reminding her that her own mother was twice divorced, three times married. >  > Deep breath and know we're all there with you. > > > ________________________________ > From: kola4280 > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, July 15, 2012 11:17 PM > Subject: Does the guilt ever end?? > > > >  > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > ~ > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 LOL....LOVE the magnet! That is so true and so right for KO's. Thanks for that, it made me smile...you are great for taking care of that boy and don't let nada make you feel anything negative! ~ > > I have a great magnet right above my computer screen at work that helps me through tough times with nada - Let Go or Be Dragged. > > I am currently taking care of a 16 year old boy with severe autism this week so his parents can go on their one vacation a year and nada told me she is jealous and resentful of him because of the time he gets me and she doesn't. She's ridiculous.  > > Hope everyone has a good week...! > > > > > ________________________________ > From: Batty > To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 > > Sent: Monday, July 16, 2012 9:07 AM > Subject: Re: Does the guilt ever end?? > > >  > Just the mantra " Let it go " . If its not one thing, it'll be another. We've all been there. All of a sudden this past weekend its all my fault my 8 year old acts like a typical 8 year old because his father left me (because of nada) and we both give him to much etc... and back in her day there weren't divorces and the kids weren't screwed up. She didn't appreciate me reminding her that her own mother was twice divorced, three times married. >  > Deep breath and know we're all there with you. > > > ________________________________ > From: kola4280 > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Sunday, July 15, 2012 11:17 PM > Subject: Does the guilt ever end?? > > >  > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > ~ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 After working at a nursing home for 20 years, that has a child care on site the general saying is " while both groups act the same at least with the kids there's hope they will grow up and out of the behavior! " ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, July 16, 2012 9:38 AM Subject: Re: Does the guilt ever end??  LOL....LOVE the magnet! That is so true and so right for KO's. Thanks for that, it made me smile...you are great for taking care of that boy and don't let nada make you feel anything negative! ~ > > I have a great magnet right above my computer screen at work that helps me through tough times with nada - Let Go or Be Dragged. > > I am currently taking care of a 16 year old boy with severe autism this week so his parents can go on their one vacation a year and nada told me she is jealous and resentful of him because of the time he gets me and she doesn't. She's ridiculous.  > > Hope everyone has a good week...! > > > > > ________________________________ > From: Batty > To: " mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com " > Sent: Monday, July 16, 2012 9:07 AM > Subject: Re: Does the guilt ever end?? > > >  > Just the mantra " Let it go " . If its not one thing, it'll be another. We've all been there. All of a sudden this past weekend its all my fault my 8 year old acts like a typical 8 year old because his father left me (because of nada) and we both give him to much etc... and back in her day there weren't divorces and the kids weren't screwed up. She didn't appreciate me reminding her that her own mother was twice divorced, three times married. >  > Deep breath and know we're all there with you. > > > ________________________________ > From: kola4280 > To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com > Sent: Sunday, July 15, 2012 11:17 PM > Subject: Does the guilt ever end?? > > >  > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > ~ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 I wish I knew. I think you're right that no one will prosecute you for " neglect " if she's not in your care. Abuse they can but there's no signs of that. I was worried for a long time that my nada would tell her doctor that every little bruise she got came from me. After all, she told them a couple years ago that we were taking financial advantage of her. Had to deal with Adult Protection Services over that one but they've heard it all and know how elderly people can get. The emotions BPD parents trigger in us are visceral; they grab you when you least expect it. A look, a comment, an all out attack from nada will literally give me diarrhea and I'll go through a long list of emotions that can quickly spin out of control. All I can do is take time to talk to myself, remind myself that I haven't done anything wrong. I have to convince myself that she's done this before and will pull this nonsense again. I can't allow myself to care. The worst that can happen is she may never talk to me again. Is that really such a bad thing? LOL I'm sorry. I do know how gut wrenching this is but we have to fight for our lives. We have to protect ourselves. Keep reminding yourself that you are innocent of whatever she's saying. Eventually all her nonsense will catch up with her. I'm gradually seeing it happen with my nada and it feels good. The neighbors, the doctors are catching on. Whew. > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > ~ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 so sorry that you have to dragged into feeling guilty (love the magnet by the way). The guilt is something that is so ingrained in all of us I think, that we don't know how to function without it. Often I find myself happy now that I am NC and every so often I will get a pang of guilt for it. Somehow, we were told that we have to be responsible for their happiness. That is a huge burden to place on your children. My therapist told me once that I have to talk myself out of the guilt. Saying things like " she made her choice " or " I can no longer tolerate being manipulated like this " helps dig me out of my guilt. Her calling you and telling you that the police will call you is a ridiculous form of manipulation. Like all of our nadas, they will do anything to sound like the victim. She probably told a sob story to the nurses or whomever was there and they made a silly comment to her and she took it somewhere else. Choose to live your life guilt free. You deserve to be happy. Aj > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > ~ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 LOVE THE MAGNET!! I've got to find one and put it all prominent places! Yes, the support here is awesome, and it really does help to stay grounded and help you realize what is " real " and what is " nada reality " which is all too different. Don't let her make you think you've done anything to her. I had to deal with my brother too before he passed away, and he could call me in the middle of the night and tell me I had to come downtown to pick him up because he was being followed. I would tell him I won't do that and put myself in danger, and he'd say things like " Well I'm going to die, and it's going to be all your fault. " That took a few times for me to realize none of that was going to happen, and it's my responsibility to take care of him. It took me many more years to come to that realization with my mother... Good luck on your journey...we're all here to listen!! And I like " Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! " Too!! > > > > My nada was just admitted into the hospital again (lost count long, long ago) and as much as I know logically I shouldn't, the guild just won't go away. > > > > She called and left me a voicemail from the hospital stating that the state is taking over her case and that they may " prosecute my whole family for neglecting me " . She went on with some details about how she cares about me and that's why she's letting me know that I may be prosecuted....wth????? > > > > I know logically that I cannot be prosecuted for failing to take care of someone that is not legally under my care, nor should I feel like it even makes sense...however, the " rescuer " in me wants to fix it and feels like I should have done something for nada. > > > > Does the guilt ever end? Does anyone have any good books or tools you use to help remind you it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do? > > > > New here and appreciate you and all your journey's, > > > > ~ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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