Nada talking about you as if you're not there

[Guest guest]

Did anyone else experience this? If someone spoke to me and I began to answer,

she would butt in and then proceed to talk about me as if i wasn't there, always

putting me down or saying something negative. It was as if she was trying to

distance herself from me, saying " she's nothing to do with me " .

[Guest guest]

My nada would do that; if someone asked me a question directly at a family get

together or other event with her friends or whatever, my nada would butt in,

literally step between me and the person I was talking to, talk over me and

answer the question for me.

In my nada's case, she was into self-aggrandizement. She would elaborate and

totally inflate any nice little thing that happened to me out of all reality, to

the point that it was humiliating to me. If I had simply gotten a raise or a

promotion, then nada would butt in and say something in all seriousness like,

" Oh, Annie is running a division of X Company now!! "

This behavior totally exposed her own deep need for admiration and attention and

her narcissistic need to feel superior to other people; she needed me and

expected me to be rich and famous, so she would have things to brag about. So

since I wasn't anything close to being either rich or famous (nor was I ever

anything close to being engaged or married) she would just make things up, and

the way she did it made it sound like *I* had been telling her outrageous lies

about how well I was doing! When she did this so openly at a party on a

particular occasion, I had a kind of epiphany: it totally confirmed to me all

her behaviors since my childhood that conveyed to me that I was inadequate and

disappointing, never pretty enough, never attractive enough, never rich or

talented or famous enough for my mother: wow!

And since I was under-performing in her estimation, she had the right to make up

things about me that fit in with her fantasy-level grandiose expectations.

So it got to a point, even before I went total No Contact, that I just stopped

sharing anything about myself with my nada that was more than just the barest,

most superficial thing. When I tried to explain to her how shaming and

humiliating it was to me for her to make up wild claims about how well I was

doing, then from nada's point of view I was attacking her and deliberately

trying to hurt her feelings, and I must have lied to her because she wouldn't

make up things like that/get the facts so wrong.

It was, as usual, a no-win situation. I couldn't have a real relationship based

on reality with my bpd/npd/ocpd mother.

-Annie

>

> Did anyone else experience this? If someone spoke to me and I began to

answer, she would butt in and then proceed to talk about me as if i wasn't

there, always putting me down or saying something negative. It was as if she

was trying to distance herself from me, saying " she's nothing to do with me " .

>

[Guest guest]

Jeanie, my nada does this too. One time we were at a large family gathering and

somebody innocently inquired to me directly about my career. Before I could open

my mouth to reply nada jumped in and said " Oh No NO! she's not doing that job

anymore, she's got a new job with the City and it's not NEARLY as lucaritive! "

She did this while putting her hand aside her mouth as though she were

whispering yet shouting it across the table. I was sitting right there and she

acted as though I was invisible. She was worse when I was a child it was

humiliating and ALWAYS felt invasive.

Some time ago I took a communications class and I noted that when asking people

for more information to start a question with " Why " can sometimes make people

feel defensive. I understand your hurt feelings so much can be lost in

translation. Typically if I'm asking someone about a sensitive subject I'll

phrase it something like this instead. " Is it possible for you to return to NC

with your nada? "

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for this reply Hellfireblonde Yes, my Nada has always done

this since i was a child, and like yours, she would often put her hand up to her

mouth and, like Annie's, she would literally stand between me and the person who

was asking the question, as if i wasn't there. It is hurtful, humiliating and

like you say, VERY invasive.

>

> Jeanie, my nada does this too. One time we were at a large family gathering

and somebody innocently inquired to me directly about my career. Before I could

open my mouth to reply nada jumped in and said " Oh No NO! she's not doing that

job anymore, she's got a new job with the City and it's not NEARLY as

lucaritive! " She did this while putting her hand aside her mouth as though she

were whispering yet shouting it across the table. I was sitting right there and

she acted as though I was invisible. She was worse when I was a child it was

humiliating and ALWAYS felt invasive.

>

> Some time ago I took a communications class and I noted that when asking

people for more information to start a question with " Why " can sometimes make

people feel defensive. I understand your hurt feelings so much can be lost in

translation. Typically if I'm asking someone about a sensitive subject I'll

phrase it something like this instead. " Is it possible for you to return to NC

with your nada? "

>