words are cheap.

July 16, 2012

I will warn you this is a bit like rambling, but I am wanting to organize my

thoughts, and feelings. I love that there is a place for me to do that.

My nada loves to tell me " I love you " and " I am so proud " etc. when I was

younger sometimes those words hurt, or had a strange calming effect that I

didn't understand.

DH is going to be a post-doc soon, that is sort of like a jr jr professor.

Mostly research possibly a little teaching (maybe). In his field you have to do

it if you ever want a job. He is graduating with a PHD in a super specialized

science, and I have no idea what he is talking about most of the time. everyone

I talk to who has ever worked with him is always impressed with his work, and

his intelligence, and with the high quality and understandability of his

presentations. I am very happy with his career, and amazed at his drive, and

wish I knew what I wanted the way he does.

so needless to say I don't get what nada has against him and his career. When I

was talking to her on the phone still, she would ask each week " when is DH going

to graduate? " (he is right on track) " is he REALY still thinking he needs to do a

post-doc? " " why is he not applying for a job in industry? " (dh's expertise is

not very useful in the industrial world, a fact that I have pointed out

countless times, but that Nada can't seem to grasp) " has he even looked for a

job/ applied for anything? " etc. she also included a whole page of a letter to

me where she comforted me with the fact that she knows just what it is like to

have a husband who is " overqualified " and can't find a job. (that was my dads

problem according to Nada although I am not sure being overqualified was his

problem, and as far as I know his job hunting was rather uneventful.) and that

it is nothing to be ashamed of. uhhh, who's ashamed? (she is a master projector)

as a side note he had 4 really good offers.

she also takes issue with the fact that he took me away. boo hoo, sigh etc. and

always says in a grudging dismissive way and with a HUGE sigh " I know he needs

to be somewhere that is good for his career. " and " I understand "

If I were (and have a little) to ask her about her issues with his career, she

would of course say something along the lines of me misunderstanding, and how I

have a " chip on my shoulder " (her favorite) it is all very convenient. We have a

conversation, she says something inappropriate, I get annoyed, and she

" forgives " me for my inappropriate feelings, and life goes on business as usual.

isn't she so patient with me.

we decided to take a position a couple hundred miles (instead of thousands like

we are now) from Nada,and to avoid Nada delusion leaking out we sent a letter to

the whole family.

she still felt the need to print her own version in her own weekly family

letter. apparently DH has " accepted a teaching position " (which it is not) at x

university. and of course she is " so proud of us both " ok nada.

she seems to think that as long as she says " I love you " and " I am proud of you "

that she can say anything else she wants, and in her letter she is a doting

loving mother.

and the aggravating part is that she thinks that I should " forgive " the " nothing

to be upset about " that she does the second it happens. becasue she " loves me "

argh!I will say it again I really feel like there is more to it than

forgiveness. This relationship just doesn't work for me, and it is not becasue I

am unforgiving. I just can't give her so much, and in the real world there are

consequences for our actions.

and now she sent me an e-mail informing me that her and my dad will come, and

help us pack and move and DRIVE CROSS COUNTRY WITH US. I have told her NO 2

times to a visit already this year. hmmm Meikjn won't talk to me on the phone,

but perhaps she wants a visit.

this is how it would go. nada would come. sit on the couch read few books (she

is very pious religiously and reads seedy, and somewhat dirty fast paced murder

mysteries, and detective stories full of sex and action) complain, and ignore

the kids, act like we have a " beautiful " relationship compare my husband to her

perfect one, micromanage me... and due to a bad shoulder do no packing/lifting/

moving. my dad could be useful, but he too thinks there is only one way to do

everything.

on the trip she will backseat drive, nag me about how mean I am to make my kids

stay in their car seats, remind me that I never even had a seat in the car most

of the time and that I turned out " fine " etc... for about 24 hrs of driving.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DH said we should leave her on the side of the

freeway if she acts up. then she might take me seriously. If only.

I think that one will just go unanswered. after all, my choices are: tell her

no, and become the worst person in the world, or " forgive " her. aka agree that

she can do whatever she wants. The best way to win is not even to play.

a normal person would, when in this situation, wonder what they can do to

reconcile things, not try to weasel they're way out of it by pretending nothing

happened, but making sure the other person feels bad for what THEY did.

a sure sign of a PD. they wrong you, and you come away feeling guilty.

honestly I want a reconciliation, but since I am not going to get it I think I

will do nothing for a while, and when I am strong enough I will boundary her

into her proper place. not controlling me. I just wish I could deal with this

normally and make things work. and that I had a rational person for a mother,

and not a nada.

Meikjn

July 16, 2012

Hi Meijkin,

I can relate to what you are experiencing. When I was a child and young teen,

my nada would scream at me, terrify me, shame and humiliate me, beat the crap

out of me and make me physically afraid of her, then she'd cry and tell me " I

love you sweetheart " and expect a hug. Then if I hesitated to respond warmly to

her, and instead went rigid from anxiety, shock and fear, then I was a hateful,

rejecting, unloving child. (Her other post-rage-tantrum behavior was equally

bewildering; she'd act as though nothing at all had just happened and might even

be all perky and cheerful.)

Its crazy-making behavior, its emotional torture for a child to be abused and

then told by the abuser, " Come close to me and give me physical affection, I

love you. " It totally warps the child's psyche, the child's ability to trust,

and skews the child's understanding of what love actually is.

Those like my nada who were so emotionally volatile and physically violent have

no business raising a child, truly. In my opinion. Or, they should have

intense monitoring, or never be left alone with the child; a full-time live-in

nanny perhaps would be a solution in such cases.

-Annie

>

> I will warn you this is a bit like rambling, but I am wanting to organize my

thoughts, and feelings. I love that there is a place for me to do that.

>

> My nada loves to tell me " I love you " and " I am so proud " etc. when I was

younger sometimes those words hurt, or had a strange calming effect that I

didn't understand.

>

> DH is going to be a post-doc soon, that is sort of like a jr jr professor.

Mostly research possibly a little teaching (maybe). In his field you have to do

it if you ever want a job. He is graduating with a PHD in a super specialized

science, and I have no idea what he is talking about most of the time. everyone

I talk to who has ever worked with him is always impressed with his work, and

his intelligence, and with the high quality and understandability of his

presentations. I am very happy with his career, and amazed at his drive, and

wish I knew what I wanted the way he does.

>

> so needless to say I don't get what nada has against him and his career. When

I was talking to her on the phone still, she would ask each week " when is DH

going to graduate? " (he is right on track) " is he REALY still thinking he needs

to do a post-doc? " " why is he not applying for a job in industry? " (dh's

expertise is not very useful in the industrial world, a fact that I have pointed

out countless times, but that Nada can't seem to grasp) " has he even looked for

a job/ applied for anything? " etc. she also included a whole page of a letter

to me where she comforted me with the fact that she knows just what it is like

to have a husband who is " overqualified " and can't find a job. (that was my dads

problem according to Nada although I am not sure being overqualified was his

problem, and as far as I know his job hunting was rather uneventful.) and that

it is nothing to be ashamed of. uhhh, who's ashamed? (she is a master projector)

as a side note he had 4 really good offers.

>

> she also takes issue with the fact that he took me away. boo hoo, sigh etc.

and always says in a grudging dismissive way and with a HUGE sigh " I know he

needs to be somewhere that is good for his career. " and " I understand "

>

> If I were (and have a little) to ask her about her issues with his career, she

would of course say something along the lines of me misunderstanding, and how I

have a " chip on my shoulder " (her favorite) it is all very convenient. We have a

conversation, she says something inappropriate, I get annoyed, and she

" forgives " me for my inappropriate feelings, and life goes on business as usual.

isn't she so patient with me.

>

> we decided to take a position a couple hundred miles (instead of thousands

like we are now) from Nada,and to avoid Nada delusion leaking out we sent a

letter to the whole family.

>

> she still felt the need to print her own version in her own weekly family

letter. apparently DH has " accepted a teaching position " (which it is not) at x

university. and of course she is " so proud of us both " ok nada.

>

> she seems to think that as long as she says " I love you " and " I am proud of

you " that she can say anything else she wants, and in her letter she is a doting

loving mother.

>

> and the aggravating part is that she thinks that I should " forgive " the

" nothing to be upset about " that she does the second it happens. becasue she

" loves me " argh!I will say it again I really feel like there is more to it than

forgiveness. This relationship just doesn't work for me, and it is not becasue I

am unforgiving. I just can't give her so much, and in the real world there are

consequences for our actions.

>

> and now she sent me an e-mail informing me that her and my dad will come, and

help us pack and move and DRIVE CROSS COUNTRY WITH US. I have told her NO 2

times to a visit already this year. hmmm Meikjn won't talk to me on the phone,

but perhaps she wants a visit.

>

> this is how it would go. nada would come. sit on the couch read few books (she

is very pious religiously and reads seedy, and somewhat dirty fast paced murder

mysteries, and detective stories full of sex and action) complain, and ignore

the kids, act like we have a " beautiful " relationship compare my husband to her

perfect one, micromanage me... and due to a bad shoulder do no packing/lifting/

moving. my dad could be useful, but he too thinks there is only one way to do

everything.

>

> on the trip she will backseat drive, nag me about how mean I am to make my

kids stay in their car seats, remind me that I never even had a seat in the car

most of the time and that I turned out " fine " etc... for about 24 hrs of

driving. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DH said we should leave her on the side of

the freeway if she acts up. then she might take me seriously. If only.

>

> I think that one will just go unanswered. after all, my choices are: tell her

no, and become the worst person in the world, or " forgive " her. aka agree that

she can do whatever she wants. The best way to win is not even to play.

>

> a normal person would, when in this situation, wonder what they can do to

reconcile things, not try to weasel they're way out of it by pretending nothing

happened, but making sure the other person feels bad for what THEY did.

>

> a sure sign of a PD. they wrong you, and you come away feeling guilty.

>

> honestly I want a reconciliation, but since I am not going to get it I think I

will do nothing for a while, and when I am strong enough I will boundary her

into her proper place. not controlling me. I just wish I could deal with this

normally and make things work. and that I had a rational person for a mother,

and not a nada.

>

> Meikjn

>

July 16, 2012

Ramble all you want...it helps to get it off your mind for sure! And seriously,

unless you want your move to be even more stressful than it's sure to be, I

would have to find a way politely refuse. You might could hinge it on " Mom, I

know it would hurt you to lift things and I wouldn't want you to be down and out

for so long because of this. " If you see some help as unavoidable, since you're

moving closer, maybe you could say something like it would work better for you

if maybe they could just meet you at the new house and watch the kids some while

y'all unload the truck and get things settled. I am learning how to minimize my

contact! There is absolutely no way I can cut it out completely because I'm

really her caregiver as well, but I am learning to set those boundaries!

And I can so relate to how she treats your husband. Don't worry about trying to

change her mind. It won't happen.

Good luck with whatever you figure out is the best that you can handle!

Remember -- take care of yourself through this stressful event!!!

> >

> > I will warn you this is a bit like rambling, but I am wanting to organize my

thoughts, and feelings. I love that there is a place for me to do that.

> >

> > My nada loves to tell me " I love you " and " I am so proud " etc. when I was

younger sometimes those words hurt, or had a strange calming effect that I

didn't understand.

> >

> > DH is going to be a post-doc soon, that is sort of like a jr jr professor.

Mostly research possibly a little teaching (maybe). In his field you have to do

it if you ever want a job. He is graduating with a PHD in a super specialized

science, and I have no idea what he is talking about most of the time. everyone

I talk to who has ever worked with him is always impressed with his work, and

his intelligence, and with the high quality and understandability of his

presentations. I am very happy with his career, and amazed at his drive, and

wish I knew what I wanted the way he does.

> >

> > so needless to say I don't get what nada has against him and his career.

When I was talking to her on the phone still, she would ask each week " when is

DH going to graduate? " (he is right on track) " is he REALY still thinking he

needs to do a post-doc? " " why is he not applying for a job in industry? " (dh's