Guest guest Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hi all, First off, I'm testing using a new email for this group, though I've been here for a long time. Hopefully it works... Secondly, my main question today. My bada and his wife had their baby recently. When fada disowned me, bada said that " I can't call you my sister when you treat our father this way. " and basically disowned me, too. I have been able to pretty much accept that bada made this decision, and I sort of understand why. He was the black sheep, but when I moved out, I became the black sheep, and he the golden child. But when I accidentally found out that his wife was pregnant through Facebook (we have mutual friends though they are not friends with me), I then found their baby registry (full of boy stuff), which had the due date. The due date came and went, and I checked their FB profiles periodically to see if they might post a picture of the baby as their profile picture--which is all I can see--and yesterday, sure enough, they changed both their profile pics. my nephew seems happy and healthy in that picture. Part of me wants to give them a small (like, $10) gift card through their registry, since I don't and will won't know their address that way--because I do care about them. On the other hand, I want to respect my bada's decision to cut me off, and I'm afraid sending the gift card would put me on par with the nadas and fadas some of you guys have--the ones who send stuff all the time to " prove " their love for us KOs. And on the third hand--I don't want to open a can of worms again, that can that has been shut pretty well when my FOO and I mutually went NC. I do NOT want to subject myself to more abuse. I'm afraid of that. I know there would be tough conversations once the lines of communication were open again, but I don't trust any of the FOO to keep it respectful. They may, but they also may not. I could use some insight, please, and thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hi Holly, All I can do is relay what I, myself would do in such a situation; but you must decide what feels right for you. For me, if I was not sent a birth announcement by my bpd brother or his wife, that would indicate to me that my bpd brother wishes to remain in No Contact with me, so I would not send a baby gift. On the other hand, if you take the initiative and offer an " olive branch of peace " in the form of a baby gift, it might open the door to the possibility of renewing contact with your bpd brother and his family. So, its your " call " RE whether you really want to have a relationship with your brother again: someone whom you believe has bpd and has a history of being abusive to you (right?) Only you can weigh the factors for and against renewing contact, if your bpd brother and his wife are even open to the idea. If your brother has matured emotionally to the point where he has had some personal insight and is able to just " live and let live " , then attempting to renew the relationship might be worthwhile. But if you renew the relationship only to discover that your brother hasn't changed and he is still cold and rejecting, or if he tries to pressure/guilt/shame you into reconciling with your parents, or is otherwise abusive to you, then you can go No Contact again. Taking that risk will depend on how resilient YOU are, I guess. If the attempt turns out badly, would you be deeply devastated or would you be able to bounce back pretty easily; that would be the main question for you to ask yourself, seems to me. -Annie > > Hi all, > > First off, I'm testing using a new email for this group, though I've been here for a long time. Hopefully it works... > > Secondly, my main question today. My bada and his wife had their baby recently. When fada disowned me, bada said that " I can't call you my sister when you treat our father this way. " and basically disowned me, too. > > I have been able to pretty much accept that bada made this decision, and I sort of understand why. He was the black sheep, but when I moved out, I became the black sheep, and he the golden child. But when I accidentally found out that his wife was pregnant through Facebook (we have mutual friends though they are not friends with me), I then found their baby registry (full of boy stuff), which had the due date. > > The due date came and went, and I checked their FB profiles periodically to see if they might post a picture of the baby as their profile picture--which is all I can see--and yesterday, sure enough, they changed both their profile pics. my nephew seems happy and healthy in that picture. > > Part of me wants to give them a small (like, $10) gift card through their registry, since I don't and will won't know their address that way--because I do care about them. > > On the other hand, I want to respect my bada's decision to cut me off, and I'm afraid sending the gift card would put me on par with the nadas and fadas some of you guys have--the ones who send stuff all the time to " prove " their love for us KOs. > > And on the third hand--I don't want to open a can of worms again, that can that has been shut pretty well when my FOO and I mutually went NC. I do NOT want to subject myself to more abuse. I'm afraid of that. I know there would be tough conversations once the lines of communication were open again, but I don't trust any of the FOO to keep it respectful. They may, but they also may not. > > I could use some insight, please, and thank you > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Hi Annie, Thank you so much for your insight; I appreciate it very much. I was just talking with my husband the other day about how I wasn't sure if bada has BPD or some other issue, or if he simply has fleas and a hefty dose of FOG from our parents. He certainly was acting like fada in many ways, including bullying our little siblings, but it could be that he's grown up a little bit more (he's almost 23). I honestly don't know. I will be pondering about how I would handle it if the attempt at rebuilding a relationship with my little brother would fail, or not. I think I'd be hurt...but I hope that I have enough emotional distance to protect myself from being completely thrown for a loop. I'll have to ask my T about it on Saturday, and talk it over with her, too. The other thing I'm slightly concerned about is how my actions now toward bada and his wife would affect my FOO's actions some years down the road, when my husband and I do have kids. I simply do not trust my fada or mom with my future kids. A lot to think about. Thank you again, Holly On Tue, Jul 17, 2012 at 3:30 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...>wrote: > ** > > > Hi Holly, > > All I can do is relay what I, myself would do in such a situation; but you > must decide what feels right for you. > > For me, if I was not sent a birth announcement by my bpd brother or his > wife, that would indicate to me that my bpd brother wishes to remain in No > Contact with me, so I would not send a baby gift. > > On the other hand, if you take the initiative and offer an " olive branch > of peace " in the form of a baby gift, it might open the door to the > possibility of renewing contact with your bpd brother and his family. > > So, its your " call " RE whether you really want to have a relationship with > your brother again: someone whom you believe has bpd and has a history of > being abusive to you (right?) Only you can weigh the factors for and > against renewing contact, if your bpd brother and his wife are even open to > the idea. > > If your brother has matured emotionally to the point where he has had some > personal insight and is able to just " live and let live " , then attempting > to renew the relationship might be worthwhile. But if you renew the > relationship only to discover that your brother hasn't changed and he is > still cold and rejecting, or if he tries to pressure/guilt/shame you into > reconciling with your parents, or is otherwise abusive to you, then you can > go No Contact again. > > Taking that risk will depend on how resilient YOU are, I guess. If the > attempt turns out badly, would you be deeply devastated or would you be > able to bounce back pretty easily; that would be the main question for you > to ask yourself, seems to me. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > First off, I'm testing using a new email for this group, though I've > been here for a long time. Hopefully it works... > > > > Secondly, my main question today. My bada and his wife had their baby > recently. When fada disowned me, bada said that " I can't call you my sister > when you treat our father this way. " and basically disowned me, too. > > > > I have been able to pretty much accept that bada made this decision, and > I sort of understand why. He was the black sheep, but when I moved out, I > became the black sheep, and he the golden child. But when I accidentally > found out that his wife was pregnant through Facebook (we have mutual > friends though they are not friends with me), I then found their baby > registry (full of boy stuff), which had the due date. > > > > The due date came and went, and I checked their FB profiles periodically > to see if they might post a picture of the baby as their profile > picture--which is all I can see--and yesterday, sure enough, they changed > both their profile pics. my nephew seems happy and healthy in that picture. > > > > Part of me wants to give them a small (like, $10) gift card through > their registry, since I don't and will won't know their address that > way--because I do care about them. > > > > On the other hand, I want to respect my bada's decision to cut me off, > and I'm afraid sending the gift card would put me on par with the nadas and > fadas some of you guys have--the ones who send stuff all the time to > " prove " their love for us KOs. > > > > And on the third hand--I don't want to open a can of worms again, that > can that has been shut pretty well when my FOO and I mutually went NC. I do > NOT want to subject myself to more abuse. I'm afraid of that. I know there > would be tough conversations once the lines of communication were open > again, but I don't trust any of the FOO to keep it respectful. They may, > but they also may not. > > > > I could use some insight, please, and thank you > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Glad I could help, Holly. That's great that you have a therapist you can talk this over with that you know and trust. My own opinion: whatever your pd parents may or may not do in the future is not worth spending time worrying about, now. It will be easier for you to establish real, firm boundaries now, in the present, and in the future once you believe that you have the *right* to decide what behaviors you will and will not tolerate for yourself and your children (RE exposing yourself, your spouse and your kids to hostile, toxic, manipulative, FOGgy behaviors from anyone.) The whole idea of boundary-setting (determining what you will do when encountering unacceptable behaviors) will feel more natural, I think. -Annie > > Hi Annie, > > Thank you so much for your insight; I appreciate it very much. I was just > talking with my husband the other day about how I wasn't sure if bada has > BPD or some other issue, or if he simply has fleas and a hefty dose of FOG > from our parents. He certainly was acting like fada in many ways, including > bullying our little siblings, but it could be that he's grown up a little > bit more (he's almost 23). I honestly don't know. > > I will be pondering about how I would handle it if the attempt at > rebuilding a relationship with my little brother would fail, or not. I > think I'd be hurt...but I hope that I have enough emotional distance to > protect myself from being completely thrown for a loop. I'll have to ask my > T about it on Saturday, and talk it over with her, too. > > The other thing I'm slightly concerned about is how my actions now toward > bada and his wife would affect my FOO's actions some years down the road, > when my husband and I do have kids. I simply do not trust my fada or mom > with my future kids. > > A lot to think about. > > Thank you again, > Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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