Guest guest Posted July 17, 2012 Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 Fleas::: Self imposed isolation: one of my strong suites. Constantly second guessing myself. Reliving every conversation- reviewing for flaws. Trusting others intentions. Trying to hard to please. Thinking it is always my fault. Making mountains out of mole hills. > " Fleas " are an affectionate term used for BPD behavior that we, as children of BPD's, have unintentionally taken on. Its similar to when people say " Wow, you are just your mother when you say/do that! " However, while the rest of the population takes the saying as a term of endearment, we usually want to run screaming for the hills! > > Recently I have discovered some " fleas " that I really need to dispose of immediately. I think this is a healthy introspective look at ourselves because we all know that our nadas NEVER felt that they did or said anything wrong. Discovering possibly destructive behavior whether on your own or from a friend/family member/spouse, it can help us erase it and replace it with positive ones. > > Some of my personal " fleas " are: > > Self imposed isolation - I sometimes have to force myself to call people if I need help or if I want to talk or hang out. > > Negative self talk- the worst. I literally have to tell myself to stop. > > obsessiveness over perfection- its okay if the dishes aren't washed or if my hair isnt perfect. life goes on. > > Mrs. Know it All- If we had a family friend that went to Mount Everest, my nada would say something like " Oh i know.... my friend's friend went there twice! " I find myself doing this so I have to remind myself to shut up and just be in the moment. > > Finding something wrong-if I just sit back and relax, I often start thinking about what might be wrong. When I do this, I start creating problems that aren't there. over thinking is a definite flea. > > What are your fleas? > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Great post Aj: My fleas. The ones I'm aware of at least: self imposed isolation dismissive reactions (unconscious as of yet, sucks!) veering to fear of abandoment (borderline fleas) or grandiosity (narccisism fleas, yup, the double header, so great) under stress hate weddings, baby showers and celebratory girlie events projections of my hatred for Nada on my partner when I am angry at him (this is awful!!!!!) poor tolerance for stress, ie making a mountain out of a molehill (this is a new one for me, as it used to be just the opposite, i almost underfunctioned when stressed, but I think since my cptsd has been really activated in the past year that I have sort of veered in the other direction on this one) a lot of self hatred for the person I become when I act out these fleas. I guess that is not a flea, but is certainly the result of them! > > " Fleas " are an affectionate term used for BPD behavior that we, as children of BPD's, have unintentionally taken on. Its similar to when people say " Wow, you are just your mother when you say/do that! " However, while the rest of the population takes the saying as a term of endearment, we usually want to run screaming for the hills! > > Recently I have discovered some " fleas " that I really need to dispose of immediately. I think this is a healthy introspective look at ourselves because we all know that our nadas NEVER felt that they did or said anything wrong. Discovering possibly destructive behavior whether on your own or from a friend/family member/spouse, it can help us erase it and replace it with positive ones. > > Some of my personal " fleas " are: > > Self imposed isolation - I sometimes have to force myself to call people if I need help or if I want to talk or hang out. > > Negative self talk- the worst. I literally have to tell myself to stop. > > obsessiveness over perfection- its okay if the dishes aren't washed or if my hair isnt perfect. life goes on. > > Mrs. Know it All- If we had a family friend that went to Mount Everest, my nada would say something like " Oh i know.... my friend's friend went there twice! " I find myself doing this so I have to remind myself to shut up and just be in the moment. > > Finding something wrong-if I just sit back and relax, I often start thinking about what might be wrong. When I do this, I start creating problems that aren't there. over thinking is a definite flea. > > What are your fleas? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 It's interesting that so many people have fleas of self-imposed isolation. That's definitely one of mine--I have to force myself to get up and outside when all I want to do is curl up and nurse my thoughts. I'm glad I have a stubborn husband--when he notices that I'm feeling out of sorts or reclusive, he tries to get me to go places with him, like ice cream, dinner, the park, things like that. I also have to try to encourage myself to meet up with friends. I used to avoid meetings like the plague, but now I can tolerate longer visits and actually enjoy myself. Negative self-talk (or as my T calls it, going down the rabbit hole). IE, " husband is late, oh no, he must have been hit by a car! " Being critical of myself or others " I/he should have done better " Being overly irritated at minor things--mostly happens when I'm stressed. Withdrawing when irritated (like above.) I'm afraid I'll yell, so I often want to retreat and be quiet while I think about things--examine whether my feelings are old patterns or logical reactions. Being overly defensive if someone perceives I've made a mistake, or if their memory doesn't jibe with my memory. This is still huge at work. Ack. Talking about myself too much or talking too much. I think I do this partly because I'm deaf and it's easier to understand where the conversation is going if I start it or steer it...but I'm also afraid this makes me sound like I, I, I, me, me, me. On Tue, Jul 17, 2012 at 9:15 PM, aj91507 adriennedelatorre@...>wrote: > ** > > > " Fleas " are an affectionate term used for BPD behavior that we, as > children of BPD's, have unintentionally taken on. Its similar to when > people say " Wow, you are just your mother when you say/do that! " However, > while the rest of the population takes the saying as a term of endearment, > we usually want to run screaming for the hills! > > Recently I have discovered some " fleas " that I really need to dispose of > immediately. I think this is a healthy introspective look at ourselves > because we all know that our nadas NEVER felt that they did or said > anything wrong. Discovering possibly destructive behavior whether on your > own or from a friend/family member/spouse, it can help us erase it and > replace it with positive ones. > > Some of my personal " fleas " are: > > Self imposed isolation - I sometimes have to force myself to call people > if I need help or if I want to talk or hang out. > > Negative self talk- the worst. I literally have to tell myself to stop. > > obsessiveness over perfection- its okay if the dishes aren't washed or if > my hair isnt perfect. life goes on. > > Mrs. Know it All- If we had a family friend that went to Mount Everest, my > nada would say something like " Oh i know.... my friend's friend went there > twice! " I find myself doing this so I have to remind myself to shut up and > just be in the moment. > > Finding something wrong-if I just sit back and relax, I often start > thinking about what might be wrong. When I do this, I start creating > problems that aren't there. over thinking is a definite flea. > > What are your fleas? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hi all, The most recent posts regarding flea bites are so enlightening! Thank you all for sharing this info! I am still new to this group - about 2 months in after discovering my mom's BPD - a loose diagnosis by a general physician at the assisted living facility that my mom lives in now. (Thank god for that place! A place that I know she is safe physically when I have to put up my (now guilt free) bounderies, during her horrific fits of anger, blaming and pity parties, and I end up not talking to her for a couple of weeks/months at a time). Anyway - I thought of a couple of ideas for helping with the very specific fleas that are being discussed most recently. (that I also have) (ie: self imposed isolation, nursing self destructive thoughts, or rabbit hole diving, second guessing everything that comes out of my mouth...and many more) A great book " The Power of Now " by Eckhart Tolle, has some amazing insights regarding us fragile humans and our powerful thoughts. One quote that hits home... " Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence " ....the whole book is filled with wonderful ideas and methods of learning how to see 'what is' instead of continuing to telling and re-telling your story of who you are over and over again to yourself, which may or may not be true but it is how you have always defined yourself. It helps give you permission to re-write your story to be who you are and who you want to be....but mainly, helps you stay in the present. There is also some fantastic Buddhist literature - a couple of books by Pema Chodron (a lovely, tangible, relevant, and insightful Buddhist nun) " When things fall apart " , " Start where you are " and " Taking the Leap " . One doesn't need to be Buddhist to understand - in fact, Buddhism isn't a religion per se, but a set of beliefs hinging on 'no mind' or " nothingness " that is wonderful reading for one of any religion or practice. Check em out! One Buddhist saying that I repeat to myself when I fall into that rabbit hole.. " Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional " So upon a recommendation by my Therapist and a few friends, I started meditating a couple of years ago and it has changed my life. However you can find out how - youtube videos, books, websites...I highly recommend it. (mantra based (vedic) meditation was easiest for me (a mantra is an imaginary word that means nothing- google 'transcendental meditation mantras, and pick one) Find a comfortable chair with a back, sit in a quiet space, then once you have gotten yourself situated, start to say and repeat a mantra allowing or being aware of when thoughts creep in, notice the thought, then come back to your mantra, repeating along with the pace of your breath...then a thought comes in, notice it, let it go, back to your mantra) What it does is create space between the stuff that comes at you (nada's tantrums, falsehoods, black and white pronouncements - also work chaos, kid chaos, any angermaking happenings) and your reaction to it. Meditation creates the awareness one needs to be able to see oneself clearly. It gives one space to see oneself getting " caught " and helps cushion the reaction whether it is engaging with someone in a conflict to 'catching' oneself in those destructive thought patterns. You are just more aware of your ongoing thought processes. You can actually see this awareness develop, and notice the undesirable and self destructive thoughts during your day (meaning, fixating on or second guessing, or beating up on yourself), and halt them, or help them melt away and distract yourself " oh, there's that thought again, it isn't the truth, it's just a thought " This particular workshop that I took suggested twice a day for 20 minutes, just after waking and before dinner, but even once a day for 20 min is great. Anyway - I thought I'd share these things, as an added resource for recovery from the viscious BPD fleas. Thanks for being out there everyone! Lesley On Jul 18, 2012, at 1:11 PM, canticleoftheturning cott wrote: > It's interesting that so many people have fleas of self-imposed isolation. > That's definitely one of mine--I have to force myself to get up and outside > when all I want to do is curl up and nurse my thoughts. I'm glad I have a > stubborn husband--when he notices that I'm feeling out of sorts or > reclusive, he tries to get me to go places with him, like ice cream, > dinner, the park, things like that. I also have to try to encourage myself > to meet up with friends. I used to avoid meetings like the plague, but now > I can tolerate longer visits and actually enjoy myself. > > Negative self-talk (or as my T calls it, going down the rabbit hole). IE, > " husband is late, oh no, he must have been hit by a car! " > > Being critical of myself or others " I/he should have done better " > > Being overly irritated at minor things--mostly happens when I'm stressed. > > Withdrawing when irritated (like above.) I'm afraid I'll yell, so I often > want to retreat and be quiet while I think about things--examine whether my > feelings are old patterns or logical reactions. > > Being overly defensive if someone perceives I've made a mistake, or if > their memory doesn't jibe with my memory. This is still huge at work. Ack. > > Talking about myself too much or talking too much. I think I do this partly > because I'm deaf and it's easier to understand where the conversation is > going if I start it or steer it...but I'm also afraid this makes me sound > like I, I, I, me, me, me. > > > On Tue, Jul 17, 2012 at 9:15 PM, aj91507 adriennedelatorre@...>wrote: > >> ** >> >> >> " Fleas " are an affectionate term used for BPD behavior that we, as >> children of BPD's, have unintentionally taken on. Its similar to when >> people say " Wow, you are just your mother when you say/do that! " However, >> while the rest of the population takes the saying as a term of endearment, >> we usually want to run screaming for the hills! >> >> Recently I have discovered some " fleas " that I really need to dispose of >> immediately. I think this is a healthy introspective look at ourselves >> because we all know that our nadas NEVER felt that they did or said >> anything wrong. Discovering possibly destructive behavior whether on your >> own or from a friend/family member/spouse, it can help us erase it and >> replace it with positive ones. >> >> Some of my personal " fleas " are: >> >> Self imposed isolation - I sometimes have to force myself to call people >> if I need help or if I want to talk or hang out. >> >> Negative self talk- the worst. I literally have to tell myself to stop. >> >> obsessiveness over perfection- its okay if the dishes aren't washed or if >> my hair isnt perfect. life goes on. >> >> Mrs. Know it All- If we had a family friend that went to Mount Everest, my >> nada would say something like " Oh i know.... my friend's friend went there >> twice! " I find myself doing this so I have to remind myself to shut up and >> just be in the moment. >> >> Finding something wrong-if I just sit back and relax, I often start >> thinking about what might be wrong. When I do this, I start creating >> problems that aren't there. over thinking is a definite flea. >> >> What are your fleas? >> >> >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Great idea! I'm fascinated at how similar everyone's symptoms are, and it's great to see what other people identify that I miss. Fleas: self-imposed isolation (wow, this one is unanimous so far) terror of rejection and hypervigilance for signs of it behaving in ways that get me rejected to justify my fears Professor Genius offering her expert opinion making sure everyone knows how a situation affects ME severe dysphoric episodes (I hide in the bathroom when I get these instead of raging at people like nada and fada do) fury at people for not understanding me the first time I say something, or at having to explain or prove something (this is more narcissistic perhaps) disdain for anyone that appears vulnerable or fails nada and fada's standards (also prob. NPD-ish) Ways I scratch the flea bites and make myself itch more: obsessing over whether I'm being selfish and talking too much about myself indignation and protective feelings towards anyone who fails nada and fada's standards denying and hiding most of my strong emotions since I'm afraid they're BPD-ish taking full responsibility for everyone else's emotions tolerating inappropriate/abusive behavior to prove that other people can do whatever, and I won't blame or judge them like a BPD would > > " Fleas " are an affectionate term used for BPD behavior that we, as children of BPD's, have unintentionally taken on. Its similar to when people say " Wow, you are just your mother when you say/do that! " However, while the rest of the population takes the saying as a term of endearment, we usually want to run screaming for the hills! > > Recently I have discovered some " fleas " that I really need to dispose of immediately. I think this is a healthy introspective look at ourselves because we all know that our nadas NEVER felt that they did or said anything wrong. Discovering possibly destructive behavior whether on your own or from a friend/family member/spouse, it can help us erase it and replace it with positive ones. > > Some of my personal " fleas " are: > > Self imposed isolation - I sometimes have to force myself to call people if I need help or if I want to talk or hang out. > > Negative self talk- the worst. I literally have to tell myself to stop. > > obsessiveness over perfection- its okay if the dishes aren't washed or if my hair isnt perfect. life goes on. > > Mrs. Know it All- If we had a family friend that went to Mount Everest, my nada would say something like " Oh i know.... my friend's friend went there twice! " I find myself doing this so I have to remind myself to shut up and just be in the moment. > > Finding something wrong-if I just sit back and relax, I often start thinking about what might be wrong. When I do this, I start creating problems that aren't there. over thinking is a definite flea. > > What are your fleas? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 haha for anyone who has Gmail have they noticed how the ads at the top of this thread are all for companies and products offering to kill actual fleas! If only it were that easy, I'd love to hire someone to blast my own fleas out of the ground permanently, not to mention plenty of other 'pest control' I'd be willing to pay for. But alas, gotta deal with our problems the old fashioned way. On Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 9:42 PM, elmtree_speaks elmtree_speaks@...>wrote: > ** > > > Great idea! I'm fascinated at how similar everyone's symptoms are, and > it's great to see what other people identify that I miss. > > Fleas: > > self-imposed isolation (wow, this one is unanimous so far) > > terror of rejection and hypervigilance for signs of it > > behaving in ways that get me rejected to justify my fears > > Professor Genius offering her expert opinion > > making sure everyone knows how a situation affects ME > > severe dysphoric episodes (I hide in the bathroom when I get these instead > of raging at people like nada and fada do) > > fury at people for not understanding me the first time I say something, or > at having to explain or prove something (this is more narcissistic perhaps) > > disdain for anyone that appears vulnerable or fails nada and fada's > standards (also prob. NPD-ish) > > Ways I scratch the flea bites and make myself itch more: > > obsessing over whether I'm being selfish and talking too much about myself > > indignation and protective feelings towards anyone who fails nada and > fada's standards > > denying and hiding most of my strong emotions since I'm afraid they're > BPD-ish > > taking full responsibility for everyone else's emotions > > tolerating inappropriate/abusive behavior to prove that other people can > do whatever, and I won't blame or judge them like a BPD would > > > > > > > " Fleas " are an affectionate term used for BPD behavior that we, as > children of BPD's, have unintentionally taken on. Its similar to when > people say " Wow, you are just your mother when you say/do that! " However, > while the rest of the population takes the saying as a term of endearment, > we usually want to run screaming for the hills! > > > > Recently I have discovered some " fleas " that I really need to dispose of > immediately. I think this is a healthy introspective look at ourselves > because we all know that our nadas NEVER felt that they did or said > anything wrong. Discovering possibly destructive behavior whether on your > own or from a friend/family member/spouse, it can help us erase it and > replace it with positive ones. > > > > Some of my personal " fleas " are: > > > > Self imposed isolation - I sometimes have to force myself to call people > if I need help or if I want to talk or hang out. > > > > Negative self talk- the worst. I literally have to tell myself to stop. > > > > obsessiveness over perfection- its okay if the dishes aren't washed or > if my hair isnt perfect. life goes on. > > > > Mrs. Know it All- If we had a family friend that went to Mount Everest, > my nada would say something like " Oh i know.... my friend's friend went > there twice! " I find myself doing this so I have to remind myself to shut > up and just be in the moment. > > > > Finding something wrong-if I just sit back and relax, I often start > thinking about what might be wrong. When I do this, I start creating > problems that aren't there. over thinking is a definite flea. > > > > What are your fleas? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 I utilize an application called " AdBlock " and it keeps my Internet surfing experience totally and blissfully advertisement-free. Its free software but the creator asks for a donation, and as far as I'm concerned its SO worth it. I found all the ads plastered everywhere, some of them with loud audio and some with repetitive animation SO distracting and annoying, and I don't receive ANY ads now, yay! -Annie > > haha for anyone who has Gmail have they noticed how the ads at the top of > this thread are all for companies and products offering to kill actual > fleas! If only it were that easy, I'd love to hire someone to blast my own > fleas out of the ground permanently, not to mention plenty of other 'pest > control' I'd be willing to pay for. But alas, gotta deal with our problems > the old fashioned way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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