re-titling Meikjn's family reunion thread

[Guest guest]

My nada is obsessed with reunions, too. When I was younger, I was interested in

going to the one where I had a cousin my age there. But even right up to the

point where I went NC--in my 30s--she was endlessly trying to convince me that I

need to go to the one for the other side of her family, where I know NObody and

don't really have any interest to. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her

I'm not interested in spending my vacation days to travel hundreds of miles to

sit around with strangers, she's going to keep pushing. I think everyone else at

those things has their kids and grandkids there, and she wants to have someone

to show off.

Anyway, if your mother has BPD, she is NOT CAPABLE of seeing that she has done

anything wrong, ever. It is always someone else's fault. She needs to believe

that she is perfect, because otherwise, she is NOTHING (black-and-white

thinking). She will protect this illusion with projection (attributing her

negative traits to others) and gaslighting. With BPD, feelings=facts, so her

recollection of events is going to be very different than what really happened a

lot of the time, and anyone who tries to make her see different will be accused

of " making things up " or " blowing things out of proportion, " etc.

Pretending a conflict never happened and just ignoring the circumstances that

led to it is a hallmark of dysfunctional families. It allows the abuse cycle to

continue. I personally prefer to make sure things are addressed before I move

forward making small talk. People with BPD don't like that, because it forces

them to deal with things they don't want to deal with. They want to be able to

pretend everything's fine.

I know this is a challenge, but you are going to continue feeling angry and

frustrated as long as you are expecting your mother to be someone she's not. She

is not someone who can care about your feelings, offer an apology, or let you

have your own life. She is someone who expects you to take whatever abuse she

throws your way with a smile. She isn't capable of caring that you're still

hurt. It's probably not even on her radar. The concept of " radical acceptance "

has been very helpful for me.

Sveta

>

> so, we are skipping out on a family reunion this week with my foo. my family

is huge and mostly pretty cool. I like getting together sometimes... we went

last summer.

> it is over 2,000 miles away, and about a 25 hr drive. (we are way too poor to

fly) and DH is working on the last months of his PHD.

>

> and we have been fogged for months!!! I am not talking to my nada on the phone

right now. They even sent us $ (which we are going to spend on dental care for

DH) for the " trip " we told them LAST summer when we were there, that we were not

going to be able to come 2 years in a row. yeesh. They have been sending foggy

notes for a while now. and won't stop dropping " those of you not coming "

statements in the family letter they send each week. When we are the only ones

not coming. grrrr.

>

> This month 2 of my kids had birthdays(7,and 5). Nada called them. they talked

her ear off about birds, their friends, and other stuff that is important to

small children. I even heard DD say " no he is at work " so apparently Nada tried

to ask for DH in the middle of the day. seriously? some people work in the

afternoon even when it is inconvenient for others.

>

> I get the I am blowing holes in her illusion of the " perfect family " and I

imagine it is crushing her, but relationships work better with a little

reconciliation, and don't just happen by default like she seems to expect.

>

> a little off subject- I am concerned that crap will be said about all of

this. I don't think it is common knowledge that I am not talking to Nada on the

phone right now. She is most likely very ashamed of it. all will be known soon,

at least some version of it. I wish I could share her letters. not living

breathing human (except a pd) could read them and not be appalled. but I am

nicer than that.

>

> you would think she could muster some humanity if she really wanted a

relationship. is she really so clueless, or is it just a mind game to pretend

she is?

>

> Meikjn

>

>

>

>