Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hi Mimi, Welcome. I really don't know enough about the technical details of diagnosis to answer your questions. However, I will say in my personal experience with healing that I don't think the particular diagnosis in terms of bpd matters. (Bipolar does because part of the treatment is chemical.) Just work on what you need to work on, and whatever they call the cluster of symptoms you have, they will get better. It shouldn't make a difference in your treatment, either, as many of the approaches for treating people with bpd are also helpful with other issues--especially the ones KOs have. In my mind, a diagnosis of bpd just means a lot more work ahead--but then I have tons of work to do in any case. What's a bit more? The thing is that many people with very, very serious mental illnesses manage to get treatment and live fulfilling and productive lives even if the illness is incurable (like schizophrenia)--you can, too. I consider my own issues (ptsd, significant dissociation) as amounting to a mental illness even if no one's wanted to give it a real diagnosis. It certainly impairs my functioning, but I also hold out the same hope for myself. No matter what the problem is, I can cope. I can probably even get better if I try really hard. So can you. I completely understand associating your nada with evil, but I also think evil is about consistently making choices to do evil things---it isn't a medical condition and it isn't fate. If someone doesn't want to be evil, then they can choose not to do evil things. It's as simple as that. Take care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hello Mimi, If you're asking whether or not your behavior is wrong, then it seems unlikely to me (but not impossible) that you have BPD. One of the major characteristics of people with BPD is that they don't believe anything is wrong with them and deny it when told that they do. The fact that you cried rather than going into a rage when your therapist said you had BPD doesn't fit with BPD. Many of us have nadas who have either refused to admit to having a problem or denied any attempt by a mental health professional to diagnose their problem. They do tend to refuse to stay with a therapist who gives them a realistic diagnosis. Abandonment issues, getting hurt and pushing people away, and making mountains out of molehills some of the time are all common characteristics that don't necessarily point to BPD. Seeing things as black or white with no middle ground and rapidly switching between the two is a sign of possible BPD. Having an adult version of a toddler's tantrum any time someone says " no " to you is a sign of possible BPD. There is a list of nine characteristics that is used in diagnosing BPD. (I don't have a link to them handy but I'm sure someone else can chime in with one.) If you have five or more of them to the point where they are causing problems for you or others, then you may have BPD. A lot of the characteritics of BPD are normal behaviors taken to extremes though, so most people engage in at least a few of them. In the end, it probably doesn't matter much whether you have fleas or whether you're one of the rare people with BPD who want to get better and work towards that goal. Either way you need to work on dealing with the things that are causing problems in your life. At 01:33 PM 07/18/2012 foggy_mimi wrote: >Good morning, all! > >I've been lurking a good long time and finally decided to come >out into the open. My nada is an un-diagnosed BP who is a very >unhappy, mean, Witch/Hermit who has worked hard at making me >miserable all my life. I am a bi-polar II with BPD >characteristics. Sometimes my therapist (who just moved, so I >am getting another) has said that I *am* a BP, though at the >tame end of the sliding scale. Even so, when she labeled me >BP, I cried for a couple of days. Probably silly. I am who I >am, but I have so long equated my nada with something closely >akin to evil that I have trouble accepting her diagnosis of me. > >I have read with interest the posts here regarding >'fleas'. Many have said in the past that if you get help and >actually stay in therapy, you do not have BPD. However, my >therapist has said that she has many BPD patients. My question >is how can a person tell if they only have fleas (abandonment >issues, getting hurt and pushing people away, mountains out of >mole hills etc.) or if they really are BP? Don't all those >behaviors also apply to BPD? Is a diagnosis of BPD based >totally on the inner experience one is having? > >I would love to believe that I am not BP and that I only have >echoes of my mother's teachings left in my behavior. But I >just don't know. > >Mimi -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Dear Katrina and Ashana, Thank you so much for your letters. I was frankly afraid to write since I know this board is only for KOs, but I wanted to find out the thoughts of the KOs regarding my question. You are always a gentle bunch here, though, so I thought I would take a chance. I'm glad I did. My husband's take on me is that I am not BP and he really doesn't care what the therapist says! He certainly sees the fleas you all speak of, and I know I have a lot to do to completely clean up my act, but I'm committed to improvement and have been for many years. I have come quite far and am, over all, proud of myself. Even my children (2 grown sons) can see a significant difference in me now from the cringing, fearful woman I used to be. Sometimes I still have an urge to act in a flea-ish manner, but I talk to myself and try my best to act like an emotionally healthy adult. I have wanted to write for a few months now as my nada is dying and I don't know how much longer she can last. I know that regardless of what I do/have done/will do in my last dealings with her, I will have regrets and guilt. I know I will need the support of the ladies and gentlemen on this board. Therefore, I wanted to 'come clean' on the BPD tendencies/fleas I do have, because I know this board is only for KOs and I know that putting a BP in a message board like this would be like throwing a hand grenade into a party. So thank you two for all you said. Those were my thoughts too, but I so much don't want to be the thing I have always feared the most, that I sometimes worry I lie to myself. Mimi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I agree, Mimi. The ability to take a step back and look at your behavior is almost impossible for a BPD. I know I am not BPD, however I have a TON of fleas and BPD behavior that really bother me and I feel ashamed of my behavior towards others sometimes. I have even asked my T if I am BPD because I was so appalled by my own " nada-like " behavior. But like the others said, I don't think it really matters as long as you are actively working on your issues with a good therapist. It sounds like you have a supportive husband so that's good. My heart goes out to you. You are right- you are who you are and I am sure despite any fleas or diagnoses you are a wonderful person. I think it takes a very strong person to admit their faults and take steps to help themselves. > >Good morning, all! > > > >I've been lurking a good long time and finally decided to come > >out into the open. My nada is an un-diagnosed BP who is a very > >unhappy, mean, Witch/Hermit who has worked hard at making me > >miserable all my life. I am a bi-polar II with BPD > >characteristics. Sometimes my therapist (who just moved, so I > >am getting another) has said that I *am* a BP, though at the > >tame end of the sliding scale. Even so, when she labeled me > >BP, I cried for a couple of days. Probably silly. I am who I > >am, but I have so long equated my nada with something closely > >akin to evil that I have trouble accepting her diagnosis of me. > > > >I have read with interest the posts here regarding > >'fleas'. Many have said in the past that if you get help and > >actually stay in therapy, you do not have BPD. However, my > >therapist has said that she has many BPD patients. My question > >is how can a person tell if they only have fleas (abandonment > >issues, getting hurt and pushing people away, mountains out of > >mole hills etc.) or if they really are BP? Don't all those > >behaviors also apply to BPD? Is a diagnosis of BPD based > >totally on the inner experience one is having? > > > >I would love to believe that I am not BP and that I only have > >echoes of my mother's teachings left in my behavior. But I > >just don't know. > > > >Mimi > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Thank you, . I'm ashamed of my behavior sometimes too, and I swear, I don't know why my husband hangs around! I really struggle sometimes and get disgusted that I have to have the same talks with myself all the time. To make matters more confused for me, my DIL is BPD, though she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her and she's VERY difficult to deal with. She keeps the entire family upset and my sons are at odds most of the time because of the way she acts. My grand daughter looks like she's dissociating at times--when you look into her eyes sometimes there's just no one there. I'm so afraid for her. When I'm really on my pity pot, I feel so sorry for myself that I dealt with a BP growing up and it looks like one is going to see me out! Mimi > > I agree, Mimi. The ability to take a step back and look at your behavior is almost impossible for a BPD. I know I am not BPD, however I have a TON of fleas and BPD behavior that really bother me and I feel ashamed of my behavior towards others sometimes. I have even asked my T if I am BPD because I was so appalled by my own " nada-like " behavior. But like the others said, I don't think it really matters as long as you are actively working on your issues with a good therapist. It sounds like you have a supportive husband so that's good. My heart goes out to you. You are right- you are who you are and I am sure despite any fleas or diagnoses you are a wonderful person. I think it takes a very strong person to admit their faults and take steps to help themselves. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hi Mimi, Even though I am not a psychologist, I disagree with your psychologist's diagnosing you with borderline pd because (a) you are able to accept personal responsibility for your negative, self-destructive or other-destructive words and behaviors and ( these negative behaviors are distressing to you and you *want* to change them. So in my own (not a psychologist) opinion, you probably just have a case of " fleas " , not a personality disorder. The fact that you are aware that you have characteristics that are hurtful to yourself and/or to others, and the fact that you care about other people's feelings and don't want to engage in bpd-like behaviors means that you are more than halfway to the goal, already. You have an excellent chance of de-fleaing yourself with therapy. I think a great number of us KOs emerge from our formative years with at least a few fleas (see the 9 diagnostic criteria below for bpd behaviors) and with at least some emotional injuries like ptsd, low self-esteem, anxiety, fearfulness, etc., and/or with health issues due to chronic stress, etc. This is a safe place for the adult kids of bpd parents to freely share their real, deep emotional pain, vent their anger, and discuss difficult, personal topics related to having a parent with bpd, so, if you feel comfortable reading/responding in a supportive way to those kinds of discussions from your KO (kid of a bpd parent) perspective, then, I think this will be mutually beneficial, both to yourself and to the Group. *** BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster as: A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, excessive spending, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats OR self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at oneself (excoriation) . 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness 8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms Note: It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of *general personality disorder criteria*. -Annie > > Dear Katrina and Ashana, > > Thank you so much for your letters. I was frankly afraid to write since I know this board is only for KOs, but I wanted to find out the thoughts of the KOs regarding my question. You are always a gentle bunch here, though, so I thought I would take a chance. > > I'm glad I did. My husband's take on me is that I am not > BP and he really doesn't care what the therapist says! He certainly sees the fleas you all speak of, and I know I have a lot to do to completely clean up my act, but I'm committed to improvement and have been for many years. I have come quite far and am, over all, proud of myself. Even my children (2 grown sons) can see a significant difference in me now from the cringing, fearful woman I used to be. Sometimes I still have an urge to act in a flea-ish manner, but I talk to myself and try my best to act like an emotionally healthy adult. > > I have wanted to write for a few months now as my nada is dying and I don't know how much longer she can last. I know that regardless of what I do/have done/will do in my last dealings with her, I will have regrets and guilt. I know I will need the support of the ladies and gentlemen on this board. Therefore, I wanted to 'come clean' on the BPD tendencies/fleas I do have, because I know this board is only for KOs and I know that putting a BP in a message board like this would be like throwing a hand grenade into a party. > > So thank you two for all you said. Those were my thoughts too, but I so much don't want to be the thing I have always feared the most, that I sometimes worry I lie to myself. > > Mimi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Mimi, Welcome to the group. Given you are self-reflective, open to seeing a therapist and and desiring to make changes in your life to have better social functioning implies you do not have BPD. People with BPD typically do not believe they have a problem but everyone else does. Therefore, I would say you have " fleas " not BPD. MyReality67 > > Good morning, all! > > I've been lurking a good long time and finally decided to come out into the open. My nada is an un-diagnosed BP who is a very unhappy, mean, Witch/Hermit who has worked hard at making me miserable all my life. I am a bi-polar II with BPD characteristics. Sometimes my therapist (who just moved, so I am getting another) has said that I *am* a BP, though at the tame end of the sliding scale. Even so, when she labeled me BP, I cried for a couple of days. Probably silly. I am who I am, but I have so long equated my nada with something closely akin to evil that I have trouble accepting her diagnosis of me. > > I have read with interest the posts here regarding 'fleas'. Many have said in the past that if you get help and actually stay in therapy, you do not have BPD. However, my therapist has said that she has many BPD patients. My question is how can a person tell if they only have fleas (abandonment issues, getting hurt and pushing people away, mountains out of mole hills etc.) or if they really are BP? Don't all those behaviors also apply to BPD? Is a diagnosis of BPD based totally on the inner experience one is having? > > I would love to believe that I am not BP and that I only have echoes of my mother's teachings left in my behavior. But I just don't know. > > Mimi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Wow, Annie, I should Google the DSM4 once in a while. I only see myself in two of the nine--I guess even therapists can be mistaken. I thought/hoped she was, but she seemed so confident. She also diagnosed me with Histrionic Personality Disorder and I am the most un-histrionic person I know. Seriously. Don't most people cry during therapy at times and express fears which may not be as bad as they think at that moment? I do want to change, not just for my own well being, though that is uppermost in my hopes for life, but also so I'm not a giant pain to everyone around me. I like it that my kids and grand kids *want* to see me, and that they don't dread each encounter like I did with my nada. Like a lot of people here, I have some PTSD and dissociation. I even had an episode of catatonia a few years ago. It bugs me no end that I am still struggling with all this because I'm so old (64)and, therefore, I don't talk to anyone about my issues with nada. For one thing when you talk to civilians, they just have no frame of reference. I'm not sure that even therapists understand what a borderline is really like unless they've been at the mercy of one. They can read the same letter you just read and not see the subtle venom there. Thank you for you welcoming letter. I have already gained a lot just by the time spent lurking here. I hope I have something to offer here in return. Mimi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hello, myreality, and thanks for the welcome! You have described my nada's personality. She continues to avow that the problems between us are a misunderstanding on my part. She doesn't want to change herself. She insists that to be in her life, the ones around her are the ones who need to change. I currently am the all-bad child in the family--so I have no contact with her presently. But it's amazing how you can never see someone and yet they can still be in your head. It's been interesting to be taught the way 'normals' act in inter-personal relationships. Everything I learned at home is so wrong and it's like being raised all over again, this time by the medical community. I can see mistakes in my past. Things I've said to people because she would have said that. Things I've done because that's what she would have done. She always wanted me to fight dirty when someone crossed me even to the point of physical violence. When she was young, her most prized possession was her brass knuckles and she used them. She always seemed ashamed of me because I couldn't be like that. And it's something I have trouble with from time to time--accepting that it's not weak when you tell someone you're angry with them instead of slapping the crap out of them in the supermarket. Mimi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 Hi Mimi, I'll add another vote for your questioning whether you have BPD being a sign that you don't. I've been taking a break from this work as I got overwhelmed and decided to read the message board for the first time in months today. Your saying you have bipolar II jumped out at me so I had to post. I also pestered a couple of therapists with the worry that I had BPD, which they insisted I don't. However, I do have a diagnosis of bipolar II. I had a sudden epiphany a couple days ago thinking about that diagnosis, especially since my therapist has been saying that I have significant PTSD from growing up with the franken-folks. I thought about all of the people I know with a bipolar II diagnosis, and every one of them has either alcoholic parents or a history of child abuse. In other words, I wonder whether the bipolar II/ " oh no I think I have BPD " syndrome is really just what happens when your emotional development is steered by crazy people who can't nurture you and deny your emotions. Oddly, I also wonder whether my nada's BPD behavior actually helped me to NOT get BPD. She told me that my feelings were bad and that she knew how I was feeling and I didn't, so now I am suspicious of my emotions. Which means that when my emotions get extreme I blame my poor traumatized brain instead of demonizing other people like a BPD does. So, um, thanks nada, I guess... > > Good morning, all! > > I've been lurking a good long time and finally decided to come out into the open. My nada is an un-diagnosed BP who is a very unhappy, mean, Witch/Hermit who has worked hard at making me miserable all my life. I am a bi-polar II with BPD characteristics. Sometimes my therapist (who just moved, so I am getting another) has said that I *am* a BP, though at the tame end of the sliding scale. Even so, when she labeled me BP, I cried for a couple of days. Probably silly. I am who I am, but I have so long equated my nada with something closely akin to evil that I have trouble accepting her diagnosis of me. > > I have read with interest the posts here regarding 'fleas'. Many have said in the past that if you get help and actually stay in therapy, you do not have BPD. However, my therapist has said that she has many BPD patients. My question is how can a person tell if they only have fleas (abandonment issues, getting hurt and pushing people away, mountains out of mole hills etc.) or if they really are BP? Don't all those behaviors also apply to BPD? Is a diagnosis of BPD based totally on the inner experience one is having? > > I would love to believe that I am not BP and that I only have echoes of my mother's teachings left in my behavior. But I just don't know. > > Mimi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I tend to agree with the others: the fact that you are willing to go to therapy and you worry about your behavior being " wrong " kind of shows that you are unlikely to be BPD. They think everyone else is wrong. When I was younger I had a lot of " fleas " as they say. I was high strung, anxious about everything, perfectionist, angry about the slightest thing, had unreasonable expectations of others. Well, the list goes on. My wonderful husband was so patient with me, pointed out my distorted thinking about things helping me to see what I was doing. It took years to gradually see what my behavior was doing to my family. And I hated myself for acting like this. But between my husband pointing things out to me (not just accusing but explaining) and the love I had for my kids, I knew I had to clean it up. I couldn't live with the guilt and pain. Only recently since I learned about BPD and found out that my nada's behavior was so typical that I saw how my behavior reflected what I had learned from her. She was stressed about every noise and I became stressed over noise. She was anal about every detail in cleaning house; I became anal about it too. Anyway, I've learned to recognize those behaviors that I detest in her and work on not repeating them in my own life. It's so hard to handle, so hard to explain to others. But you can kill those " fleas " and let the real you shine through. > > Dear Katrina and Ashana, > > Thank you so much for your letters. I was frankly afraid to write since I know this board is only for KOs, but I wanted to find out the thoughts of the KOs regarding my question. You are always a gentle bunch here, though, so I thought I would take a chance. > > I'm glad I did. My husband's take on me is that I am not > BP and he really doesn't care what the therapist says! He certainly sees the fleas you all speak of, and I know I have a lot to do to completely clean up my act, but I'm committed to improvement and have been for many years. I have come quite far and am, over all, proud of myself. Even my children (2 grown sons) can see a significant difference in me now from the cringing, fearful woman I used to be. Sometimes I still have an urge to act in a flea-ish manner, but I talk to myself and try my best to act like an emotionally healthy adult. > > I have wanted to write for a few months now as my nada is dying and I don't know how much longer she can last. I know that regardless of what I do/have done/will do in my last dealings with her, I will have regrets and guilt. I know I will need the support of the ladies and gentlemen on this board. Therefore, I wanted to 'come clean' on the BPD tendencies/fleas I do have, because I know this board is only for KOs and I know that putting a BP in a message board like this would be like throwing a hand grenade into a party. > > So thank you two for all you said. Those were my thoughts too, but I so much don't want to be the thing I have always feared the most, that I sometimes worry I lie to myself. > > Mimi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 I really am appreciating this discussion on fleas. This is hard for me to sort out right now as I am just becoming more aware of BPD in my mother. I am seeing that alcoholism is just a part of the overall picture in this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Hi, Elmtree, Oh, the last line of your letter made me laugh! I know what you mean about blaming your trauma on your intense emotions. I haven't been diagnosed BPII for very long (only 6 years) and it's sometimes hard for me to know if my thoughts come from that (especially the hypo-manic side) or if they are fleas. But I do spend a lot of time questioning myself. Though many of the women I know have tempers, I've not allowed myself one very often. Some people don't much care if they are being unreasonable and my other friends say, 'Oh, well, that's just the way she is.' I question my every thought and move. I would be very happy to get past that and just be me. The word 'pestered' is a good one for what I have done trying to get my therapist to say that I was NOT BP. I just felt I needed to hear the words, and I must admit that being here has been a relief for me. I actually trust the judgement on this msg board more than my T's because of what I said yesterday: I'm not sure a civilian who has not been raised by a BP or been at the mercy of one can always diagnose a person with it unless their behavior is blatant. A few years ago, I took a long course of outpatient care (12 weeks) to try to learn how to act in social situations and how to solve problems the un-BP way. One woman in the group was clearly BP and she picked me out of the group like I was fresh meat. I was terrified. I knew that at that point, I was too weak from current events to help myself around her. It was frightening how she found me and how I went immediately to that old place. Anyway... I'm rambling. Thanks for the vote of confidence. It means a lot! Mimi > > Hi Mimi, > > > I'll add another vote for your questioning whether you have BPD being a sign that you don't. I've been taking a break from this work as I got overwhelmed and decided to read the message board for the first time in months today. Your saying you have bipolar II jumped out at me so I had to post. > > I also pestered a couple of therapists with the worry that I had BPD, which they insisted I don't. However, I do have a diagnosis of bipolar II. I had a sudden epiphany a couple days ago thinking about that diagnosis, especially since my therapist has been saying that I have significant PTSD from growing up with the franken-folks. I thought about all of the people I know with a bipolar II diagnosis, and every one of them has either alcoholic parents or a history of child abuse. > In other words, I wonder whether the bipolar II/ " oh no I think I have BPD " syndrome is really just what happens when your emotional development is steered by crazy people who can't nurture you and deny your emotions. Oddly, I also wonder whether my nada's BPD behavior actually helped me to NOT get BPD. She told me that my feelings were bad and that she knew how I was feeling and I didn't, so now I am suspicious of my emotions. Which means that when my emotions get extreme I blame my poor traumatized brain instead of demonizing other people like a BPD does. So, um, thanks nada, I guess... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Dear Irene, Good for you. You've done so well! That was one thing I never could understand about my nada: How could she look in her kids' eyes and see fear and yet keep giving vent to her anger? How could she not want to change? I felt very weak as a young mother, indeed, I was told I *was* weak, because I just couldn't be that mean to my kids. The times I gave in to my baser nature still keep me awake some nights. Nada only kept telling me that I had to get my boys under control. I've never been sorry I didn't! mimi > > > > Dear Katrina and Ashana, > > > > Thank you so much for your letters. I was frankly afraid to write since I know this board is only for KOs, but I wanted to find out the thoughts of the KOs regarding my question. You are always a gentle bunch here, though, so I thought I would take a chance. > > > > I'm glad I did. My husband's take on me is that I am not > > BP and he really doesn't care what the therapist says! He certainly sees the fleas you all speak of, and I know I have a lot to do to completely clean up my act, but I'm committed to improvement and have been for many years. I have come quite far and am, over all, proud of myself. Even my children (2 grown sons) can see a significant difference in me now from the cringing, fearful woman I used to be. Sometimes I still have an urge to act in a flea-ish manner, but I talk to myself and try my best to act like an emotionally healthy adult. > > > > I have wanted to write for a few months now as my nada is dying and I don't know how much longer she can last. I know that regardless of what I do/have done/will do in my last dealings with her, I will have regrets and guilt. I know I will need the support of the ladies and gentlemen on this board. Therefore, I wanted to 'come clean' on the BPD tendencies/fleas I do have, because I know this board is only for KOs and I know that putting a BP in a message board like this would be like throwing a hand grenade into a party. > > > > So thank you two for all you said. Those were my thoughts too, but I so much don't want to be the thing I have always feared the most, that I sometimes worry I lie to myself. > > > > Mimi > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2012 Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Fran, I have a DIL who keeps triggering me like your step-daughter does you. I will be glad if one day I can not look like a deer in the headlights when she starts going off. We just have to try and stop and think. I'm not perfect in the trenches yet, but I'm getting better. mimi > > I really am appreciating this discussion on fleas. This is hard for me to sort out right now as I am just becoming more aware of BPD in my mother. I am seeing that alcoholism is just a part of the overall picture in this. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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