Dealing with the nonBPD Parent

July 19, 2012

Everyone says that even though you couldn't control the abuse that you

suffered as a child, now as an adult you can recover and be safe from it (a

bit of a overgeneralization but it's the gist of it). Well I am an adult

now, but I don't feel any safer from it. As long as I still have contact

with these toxic and abusive people that hurt me so much in the past and

continue to be verbally and psychologically abusive to me even now that I

am an adult, I have little hope for the future and that I will ever feel

happy or safe.

I am struggling so much right now with the other parent, the one who is not

BPD. I've already gone NC with nada and basically her whole side of the

family, it's been three years and definitely the right choice for me and

even though painful, it's been great to leave her behind and for the first

time this year I was able to feel good for a few moments and forget

completely about her. But what do you do when the other parent isn't

supportive and helpful? I've been trying so hard to be on good terms with

my father but to little avail. I thought when he left her four years ago

things would get so much better, but instead they got worse, so much worse,

mostly because I thought by leaving her he was going to be on my side and

help protect me (I was in my early twenties at the time), but instead he

pretty much abandoned me too and has provided zero actually negative

emotional support. He is not BPD and doesn't rage like she does, but he

hurts me so much by gaslighting, invalidating, and having such lack of

empathy toward me and the horrific pain I've been in because of my family.

He let her do everything to me and just stood idly by for most of it and

when he left her, I just sort of thought of him as the good parent because

I was so desperate to have at least one good parent even as a young adult,

but I see now that he's not been good at all. He's never really been there

for me and still continues to hurt me even though I've tried repeatedly to

make things better between us. I've tried and failed and keep beating

myself up for it despite my best efforts and wanting so badly to be on good

terms with him. But both he and his mother have said and done incredibly

hurtful things to me and he lets her claiming she's old, and they're not

even the BPD side of my family, although I'm now not surprised there's

dysfunction there too, it would take a very non-normal person to marry

someone like her.

I've held onto him even when he's repeated hurt me because I want so badly

to have some family, I went one year when I went NC with everyone just

because it got so bad when he was separating from her and it was one of the

worst years of my life, I felt so alone and like everyone hated me which

probably wasn't far off. I keep beating myself up for not being able to

love myself more and feel better about myself (ironic, I know) now that I'm

an adult. But when I see how I was raised, of course I never developed

those skills and strengths. Of course I never developed a healthy psyche

and mechanisms that would allow me to repel negative things, I internalize

everything and don't know how to not to despite my best efforts. It gives

me brief comfort to realize that I am not responsible for him and the

ridiculous things he does, but then why do I feel so terrible about myself

when I try to stand up for myself and he responds so badly and a fight

usually breaks out? I feel so awful. And normally if other people treated

me that way it wouldn't bother me so much, I would know there was something

wrong with them and just write it off, but here when it's these people, it

hurts so bad it cuts right to my core and I wish I was dead because the

pain is so unbearable. How do I love myself without them and despite their

invalidating comments? How do I feel good about myself when there is no one

there to validate me or be on my side? I am not strong enough. It's like I

escaped one funhouse of mirrors only to find myself in another..

July 20, 2012

Dear LPS,

I am truly sorry that you have had and continue to have this pain. I know

managing emotional pain is difficult and tiring.

I would suggest you find a therapist that works well with you. Please remember

that you may have to try several different therapists before finding the right

one for you.

I also suggest you try affirming yourself on a daily basis. This can be hard

when you have not been affirmed by your parents/caretakers. Try it for a week.

I affirm myself while brushing my teeth. If you cannot identify your good

traits, affirm that you have your desired traits. Tell yourself how you are

loved and loving. You are smart. Beautiful. Strong. Resilient. It may

sound goofy but it does work.

When I was in my 20s I internalized everything. In my 30s I analyzed

everything. Now in my 40s I have a better peace that " it is what it is " and I

can only move forward. I am glad you found out before your 40s your mother has

bpd and your father was an enabler.

You deserve health, happiness and joy. You owe it to yourself to pursue it.

Maybe your father's way of enduring your mother's behavior was to deny what was

going on and how it affected him and his children. Maybe he is ashamed of not

protecting you from your nada and so that is why he invalidates what you went

through. Try to forgive him for not being the parent you needed and wanted.

Find some rationale about his behavior that is the least hurtful to you.

Most importantly. Forgive yourself. You were a child. You ask how can you

love yourself without them, You are now free to love yourself because you are

away from them.

You have a clean slate to create the life you have always wanted and become the

person you want to be. You are deserving of that life. From your post I can

see you are a thoughtful, caring, sympathetic, kind, conscientious and

intelligent.

Wishing you Peace & Blessings!

MyReality67

>

> Everyone says that even though you couldn't control the abuse that you

> suffered as a child, now as an adult you can recover and be safe from it (a

> bit of a overgeneralization but it's the gist of it). Well I am an adult

> now, but I don't feel any safer from it. As long as I still have contact

> with these toxic and abusive people that hurt me so much in the past and

> continue to be verbally and psychologically abusive to me even now that I

> am an adult, I have little hope for the future and that I will ever feel

> happy or safe.

>

> I am struggling so much right now with the other parent, the one who is not

> BPD. I've already gone NC with nada and basically her whole side of the

> family, it's been three years and definitely the right choice for me and

> even though painful, it's been great to leave her behind and for the first

> time this year I was able to feel good for a few moments and forget

> completely about her. But what do you do when the other parent isn't

> supportive and helpful? I've been trying so hard to be on good terms with

> my father but to little avail. I thought when he left her four years ago

> things would get so much better, but instead they got worse, so much worse,

> mostly because I thought by leaving her he was going to be on my side and

> help protect me (I was in my early twenties at the time), but instead he

> pretty much abandoned me too and has provided zero actually negative

> emotional support. He is not BPD and doesn't rage like she does, but he

> hurts me so much by gaslighting, invalidating, and having such lack of

> empathy toward me and the horrific pain I've been in because of my family.

> He let her do everything to me and just stood idly by for most of it and

> when he left her, I just sort of thought of him as the good parent because

> I was so desperate to have at least one good parent even as a young adult,

> but I see now that he's not been good at all. He's never really been there

> for me and still continues to hurt me even though I've tried repeatedly to

> make things better between us. I've tried and failed and keep beating

> myself up for it despite my best efforts and wanting so badly to be on good

> terms with him. But both he and his mother have said and done incredibly

> hurtful things to me and he lets her claiming she's old, and they're not

> even the BPD side of my family, although I'm now not surprised there's

> dysfunction there too, it would take a very non-normal person to marry

> someone like her.

>

> I've held onto him even when he's repeated hurt me because I want so badly

> to have some family, I went one year when I went NC with everyone just

> because it got so bad when he was separating from her and it was one of the

> worst years of my life, I felt so alone and like everyone hated me which

> probably wasn't far off. I keep beating myself up for not being able to

> love myself more and feel better about myself (ironic, I know) now that I'm

> an adult. But when I see how I was raised, of course I never developed

> those skills and strengths. Of course I never developed a healthy psyche

> and mechanisms that would allow me to repel negative things, I internalize

> everything and don't know how to not to despite my best efforts. It gives

> me brief comfort to realize that I am not responsible for him and the

> ridiculous things he does, but then why do I feel so terrible about myself

> when I try to stand up for myself and he responds so badly and a fight

> usually breaks out? I feel so awful. And normally if other people treated

> me that way it wouldn't bother me so much, I would know there was something

> wrong with them and just write it off, but here when it's these people, it

> hurts so bad it cuts right to my core and I wish I was dead because the

> pain is so unbearable. How do I love myself without them and despite their

> invalidating comments? How do I feel good about myself when there is no one

> there to validate me or be on my side? I am not strong enough. It's like I

> escaped one funhouse of mirrors only to find myself in another..

>

July 20, 2012

Dear Little Purple,

You sound like you are in so much pain. You sound like you are grieving and you

sound exhausted. Please stop and breath and know you are among friends here.

You are not alone in having a father like that. Many men married to BPs turn

into something they weren't originally. As you know, it's very hard to keep a

hold on who you actually are when you're around someone as forceful and toxic as

your nada no doubt is. Your dad sounds like mine and I eventually had to go NC

with him too, just because he parroted everything she said.

I know how lonely you are. I lost my entire family too when I went NC--parents,

siblings, aunts, cousins, everyone. It sometimes feels impossible to go on

alone. But it isn't! You are strong just because you survived her. You are

smart because you know how wrong it is that you are being treated this way by

people sworn to protect you. With the help of a good therapist you will get

better and stronger. All here are proof of that.

Try and remember one thing: Staying with the only family you have left (the

people who are so toxic) is not necessarily better than going it alone, if

that's what you decide to do. They keep you off balance and depressed as you

try to get from them what they are unable or unwilling to give. Sometimes they

throw you a crumb. Just enough to keep you hoping.

Please turn to your friends and therapist. If you don't have friends, give

yourself some time, then go in search of some. I found one, after years of

being cut off from the world by nada and her demands. I know you might feel too

tired to do this now. But rest and recover and talk about it. Know you are

safely away. Get stronger with the help of your therapist and any normals you

may have around you.

None of this is fair. Not at all. You deserve so much more: happiness,

kindness, love. And I know how much you hurt! But please hang in there. We

are all here for you and we are a family of sorts. Stick with this board and I

promise you that you will be mothered and sistered.

mimi