New to the Message boards

[Guest guest]

I wish I even knew where to begin. Here goes. I recently married the most

wonderful man (this sunday will be our 3 month anniversary). During the course

of our courtship, we experienced a lot of difficulty with his family, and things

escalated to the point that neither of us expected when we decided to get

engaged. During that time, through attending therapy and discussing things with

mental professionals we discovered that his mother has BPD. It has been

overwhelming, exhausting and draining to say the least.

We had a very short engagement (only 3 months, because originally without

knowing the diagnosis, we felt there would be backlash when we got engaged based

on the behavior that occurred while we were dating) so things were extreme and

intense. I can't even begin to describe the emotional war that occurred. The

threats to hurt herself, the manipulation, the guilt, the entitlement she felt,

the lies that she told about both me and him to try and break the wedding up.

I started doing more research and reading on BPD and found this group through

the book and the website of course. Every post I read sounded exactly like my

mother in law. It was finally great to hear I'm not the crazy one. This isn't

happening just to me.

My husband is in therapy (we both started together as a requirement by our

officiant to marry us that we go to couples therapy) and it was been a

tremendous help and aid in setting bounderaries with her and limits. Gauging how

to react to her behavior at times but it's hard.

I guess I wonder for anyone of you is there a light at the end of the tunnel? is

it truly possible to have a relationship with a parent/inlaw?

My biggest fear is what happens when there's a grandchild (most likely the first

for her and his immediate family) and most importantly as a partner in a

marriage how do I be supportive of his decision to interact when I am so full of

anger about our still fresh engagement and wedding experience. Or more

importantly when he gets frustarted and wants to just walk away, what do I say?

Thank you for being a sounding board.

[Guest guest]

Hi there, first of all, congrats on the engagement!! I too am engaged and am

thrilled about this part of my life. It's all very exciting but definetely can

still be stressful (especially with a BPD parent in the mix).

I'm also new to this group and, as I'm reading all the posts, feel like they

discribe my mother and all our craziness as well. I can't imagine what it feels

like when it's not your parent but a future in-law. What I can say is that my

fiancee is very supportive and listens to me as I learn about this disorder. I'm

currently in therapy and the more I learn about her disorder and myself, the

more I'm talking about it. I tend to feel very selfish for this and am learning

that I have a right to my feelings. That being said, my suggestion is to listen

and try to let him get his feelings out in whatever way he needs. As children of

BP's we tend to bottle our feelings and don't feel we deserve how we feel.

Overwhelming guilt plays a huge role in our relationships with our parent as

well. I'm not sure what all your fiancee has been through or if his feelings

are similar, but once I started learning about the disorder and talking about

it, I feel like I need to shout it from the roof tops! I want everyone to know

that I'm not crazy and that I'm not a freak..I've got a borderline

mother...lol...this seems like the place for people to understand that.

On the note of children...I have a 12 year old daughter and she is the light of

my life. I have kept her sheltered from her grandmother but not ignorant of the

illness. As a child my life was unstable and there was no consistency. I strive

(sometimes too much) to make her life as stable as possible, to make up for what

I didn't have. You have to make the right decisions for you and your future

children. If your mother-in-law to be is not stable, then keeping your child

from her may be the right decision. For me, it's being open and honest with my

daughter, letting her know she can ask any question she wants, while still

protecting her from the direct damange my mother did to me.

I hope all that rambling makes sense. Like I said, I'm new here too and not used

to all this. I am here to listen, learn and vent and hope I have the opportunity

to help someone along the way. Stay positive...

~

" I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. "

>

> I wish I even knew where to begin. Here goes. I recently married the most

wonderful man (this sunday will be our 3 month anniversary). During the course

of our courtship, we experienced a lot of difficulty with his family, and things

escalated to the point that neither of us expected when we decided to get

engaged. During that time, through attending therapy and discussing things with

mental professionals we discovered that his mother has BPD. It has been

overwhelming, exhausting and draining to say the least.

>

> We had a very short engagement (only 3 months, because originally without

knowing the diagnosis, we felt there would be backlash when we got engaged based

on the behavior that occurred while we were dating) so things were extreme and

intense. I can't even begin to describe the emotional war that occurred. The

threats to hurt herself, the manipulation, the guilt, the entitlement she felt,

the lies that she told about both me and him to try and break the wedding up.

>

> I started doing more research and reading on BPD and found this group through

the book and the website of course. Every post I read sounded exactly like my

mother in law. It was finally great to hear I'm not the crazy one. This isn't

happening just to me.

>

> My husband is in therapy (we both started together as a requirement by our

officiant to marry us that we go to couples therapy) and it was been a

tremendous help and aid in setting bounderaries with her and limits. Gauging how

to react to her behavior at times but it's hard.

>

> I guess I wonder for anyone of you is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

is it truly possible to have a relationship with a parent/inlaw?

>

> My biggest fear is what happens when there's a grandchild (most likely the

first for her and his immediate family) and most importantly as a partner in a

marriage how do I be supportive of his decision to interact when I am so full of

anger about our still fresh engagement and wedding experience. Or more

importantly when he gets frustarted and wants to just walk away, what do I say?

>

> Thank you for being a sounding board.

>

[Guest guest]

Ok, so I just reread your post...congrats on your anniversary! Lol, sorry about

that...I got so excited to read the rest I sort of skipped married. Please

forgive the oversight.

> >

> > I wish I even knew where to begin. Here goes. I recently married the most

wonderful man (this sunday will be our 3 month anniversary). During the course

of our courtship, we experienced a lot of difficulty with his family, and things

escalated to the point that neither of us expected when we decided to get

engaged. During that time, through attending therapy and discussing things with

mental professionals we discovered that his mother has BPD. It has been

overwhelming, exhausting and draining to say the least.

> >

> > We had a very short engagement (only 3 months, because originally without

knowing the diagnosis, we felt there would be backlash when we got engaged based

on the behavior that occurred while we were dating) so things were extreme and

intense. I can't even begin to describe the emotional war that occurred. The

threats to hurt herself, the manipulation, the guilt, the entitlement she felt,

the lies that she told about both me and him to try and break the wedding up.

> >

> > I started doing more research and reading on BPD and found this group

through the book and the website of course. Every post I read sounded exactly

like my mother in law. It was finally great to hear I'm not the crazy one. This

isn't happening just to me.

> >

> > My husband is in therapy (we both started together as a requirement by our

officiant to marry us that we go to couples therapy) and it was been a

tremendous help and aid in setting bounderaries with her and limits. Gauging how

to react to her behavior at times but it's hard.

> >

> > I guess I wonder for anyone of you is there a light at the end of the

tunnel? is it truly possible to have a relationship with a parent/inlaw?

> >

> > My biggest fear is what happens when there's a grandchild (most likely the

first for her and his immediate family) and most importantly as a partner in a

marriage how do I be supportive of his decision to interact when I am so full of

anger about our still fresh engagement and wedding experience. Or more

importantly when he gets frustarted and wants to just walk away, what do I say?

> >

> > Thank you for being a sounding board.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your response and feedback. It's definetly hard to be patient

sometimes for me. I grew up in a very " active " household. Culturally we are just

toned to be loud people (my mom is russian and my dad is moroccon) so it's have

your opinion be heard and I think that's the hardest part because any feedback I

give it translates into him feeling not good enough or that he's a failure while

that's what I'm saying when he didn't take out the trash when I asked. It's such

a transition and in such a short amount of time it's not easy. It's good to know

that there's a place to bear it all.

> >

> > I wish I even knew where to begin. Here goes. I recently married the most

wonderful man (this sunday will be our 3 month anniversary). During the course

of our courtship, we experienced a lot of difficulty with his family, and things

escalated to the point that neither of us expected when we decided to get

engaged. During that time, through attending therapy and discussing things with

mental professionals we discovered that his mother has BPD. It has been

overwhelming, exhausting and draining to say the least.

> >

> > We had a very short engagement (only 3 months, because originally without

knowing the diagnosis, we felt there would be backlash when we got engaged based

on the behavior that occurred while we were dating) so things were extreme and

intense. I can't even begin to describe the emotional war that occurred. The

threats to hurt herself, the manipulation, the guilt, the entitlement she felt,

the lies that she told about both me and him to try and break the wedding up.

> >

> > I started doing more research and reading on BPD and found this group

through the book and the website of course. Every post I read sounded exactly

like my mother in law. It was finally great to hear I'm not the crazy one. This

isn't happening just to me.

> >

> > My husband is in therapy (we both started together as a requirement by our

officiant to marry us that we go to couples therapy) and it was been a

tremendous help and aid in setting bounderaries with her and limits. Gauging how

to react to her behavior at times but it's hard.

> >

> > I guess I wonder for anyone of you is there a light at the end of the

tunnel? is it truly possible to have a relationship with a parent/inlaw?

> >

> > My biggest fear is what happens when there's a grandchild (most likely the

first for her and his immediate family) and most importantly as a partner in a

marriage how do I be supportive of his decision to interact when I am so full of

anger about our still fresh engagement and wedding experience. Or more

importantly when he gets frustarted and wants to just walk away, what do I say?

> >

> > Thank you for being a sounding board.

> >

>