New to Here

July 20, 2012

I am new to this group and not quite sure how to use it just yet and new to

online groups in general. I was hoping someone could read my story and tell me

how they deal with their Mom. I finally discovered why my Mom does what she

does. I'm 27 and I now understand why I struggle so much emotionally and with

relationships after reading the Walking on Eggshells workbook. I would also like

someones Christian perspective on how to deal with this. I've tried praying,

going to a therapist, talking to friends, somewhat talking to my Mom...whom is

the issue, journaling...you name it and I'm left very upset inside still.

Pardon my grammar mistakes...I'm writing this fast on my break at work!

My Mom has a personality disorder. She was high functioning for many years and

has declined rapidly this year and it has made my life miserable. She has made

her own life very lonesome and miserable as well. Learning she had a personality

disorder has helped me greatly, but it doesn't take away from the pain it

causes. She has had a very hard life and I know that is what has caused her to

be the way she is. She also has an alcohol problem and the two mixed together

are disastrous. After my parents divorced in 4th grade she hasn't been the same.

I use to take care of her, because she would pass out from drinking. I would

also have to clean up after her. It got a lot better once she started dating a

wonderful man named. But, her personality disorder eventually pushed him away.

She has also managed to push all family members away, except two. Me and the

other one is under her control, because she financially supports him (my uncle).

My whole life she has painted my family members as evil and slowly, as I reach

out to them, I'm finding there is a lot about my Mom I didn't know and she was

isolating me from them. Since I've been in contact with some of them its been

wonderful and they truly aren't bad people...they just wrote my Mom off, because

they were tired of her games.

Every time a happy event takes place she somehow comes up with an issue or makes

up something serious that is depressing. She has lied to me on numerous

occasions about her health and said she has had cancer three times! The last

time was the week after my daughter was born. She told me that she had ovarian

cancer and it spread to her lymphoids. She's lied about having fibromayalgia. I

know all of this, because I had a great opportunity to speak to her Dr. in the

hallway on the way to one of her elective surgeries (I have power of attorney

for her, because she has been " dying " for years). The Dr. now knows that she

makes up her illnesses, so she keeps me secretly in the loop about the truth.

Even with knowing I was lied to, I still have tried to be there the best I could

during her illnesses and elective surgeries. Bringing food, changing bandages,

helping when I can with house stuff, inviting her to do things and she still

makes me feel like a bad person for not " taking care of her " in her words. She

said she no longer wants to take care of herself. She wanted me to move in with

her. She is only 58 by the way. I've been so stressed trying to be a new mom (my

daughter is only 7 months), starting my own business (which she doesn't know I'm

doing...im afraid she is going to look at me not working full-time as " free "

time for her), working full time (for now until I start my business), dealing

with the guilt, trying to understand her personality disorder and watching my

mom self destruct that I've had heart attack symptoms from extreme stress. It's

only getting worse, because she just lost her job from being in the hospital

every month since January for something new every time. She is also injured

right now (she broke her shoulder and had surgery...long story there) and

can't/won't look for a job. Her plan is to live off unemployment. Her medical

bills are in the tens of thousands. She might lose her house. She absolutely can

not live with me, because it will ruin my marriage and I personally will crumble

from the stress she puts me under. Just thinking about her gives me so much

anxiety. She has been suicidal in the past when I try to be honest with her how

I feel. I never want to relive that again.

I haven't spoke with her in two weeks. The only time we communicate now is if I

reach out to her. She ignores my calls a lot of times, so I have to call again.

It's like chasing down someone to inflict pain on yourself and its not healthy.

She expresses she wants me to take care of her when we do finally connect but

she doesn't respond to me when I do reach out. My life is so busy with a baby

and I just don't know how to juggle it all. I know I'm going to pay for not

contacting her these last two weeks, but life has been so much better with out

her in it making me sad. I also feel the phone works both ways. I want so, so

badly to write her off and be done with it all or just move and not tell people

where we moved to so she can't find us. But, I know neither of those options I

can do. I think about God saying you need to turn the other cheek. But, how much

abuse do you take? I think about this all the time. I think about her every

single hour of the day, but these last two weeks I haven't called her because I

can't handle the pain she causes me. She is so depressing to talk to and she

only talks about herself and how unhappy and in pain she is in. On top of all

this I also feel bad for my daughter and being jipped out of a grandma. I never

really had grandmas and I know what its like to be jealous of your friends. One

of mine died before I was born and the other behaved very similar to the way my

Mom is acting. My Mom has given up on herself and is making it my problem

through guilt. It seems now that I have a baby the more needy she is! HELP!

A lot of my decision to stay home with my daughter is based on this issue. I

want to be the Mom I never had for my daughter. I am blessed in everyway thank

goodness, but this issue with my Mother is a giant cloud over everything that

blesses me. I feel extremely guilty when I'm happy and enjoying my life.

Sorry for such a long post. I appreciate your time reading it. I guess all I

need to know is what should I do? I want to handle it in a Christian way, but

also in a healthy way so I can keep my anxiety down. But, I also don't want to

be selfish. She had a therapist, but she has since blamed them for

problems...just like the book said she would!

July 21, 2012

Hi Dreambig,

Welcome to the Group, to you and to the other new members.

The behaviors you describe do sound to me (I am not a psychologist) like your

mother could have bpd, perhaps in the " Waif " or " Hermit " subcategory. Whether

she has bpd or not, she has turned you into her mommy, making you believe that

you are responsible for her care and her feelings as though she is a helpless

infant. That's called " parentifying " one's child, and its wrong to do that and

its very, very abusive. There are a lot of members at this Group whose bpd

mother or father has parentified them, it would appear. (It does seem though

that, like, 95% of those who join are here to discuss a bpd mother.)

If you wish to discuss these issues from a Christian perspective, you are in

luck: there is a WTO Group specifically for those who are Christians and want

support and advice from fellow Christians about managing having a relationship

(or not) with a bpd loved one:

WTOChristian

For people who prefer a Christian environment

Subscribe: WTOChristian-subscribe

or visit our homepage at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOChristian

This particular support group here is very mixed as far as religious beliefs go

and promotes tolerance of other people's beliefs or atheism. This Group is

more about discovering whatever it is that works for *you* as an individual.

We share what has helped us along our journey to greater peace and healing

whether its learning to manage having a limited-contact relationship with the

bpd parent while creating & maintaining protective boundaries for self and

family, or whether its choosing to separate from the bpd parent either

temporarily or permanently. Or variations of the above. Its about finding

your own path to greater healing and peace of mind, which may or may not involve

your chosen religious belief. There is no one-size-fits-all solution promoted

here.

In any case, my suggestion is that the more you read about and educate yourself

about the Cluster B pds, the better: knowledge is power and its empowering. It

can help you realize and accept that the guilt and responsibility you are

feeling is inappropriate and misplaced: you did not cause your mother to have

this mental illness, you can't control her, and you can't cure her. That is not

in your power; your mother is the only one who has the power to change herself,

and she has to want to. Its not your job to be your mother's mommy and manage

her feelings for her, or to do things for her that she should be doing for

herself.

I personally recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " ; that was a real

breakthrough book for me. There is an extensive reading list at the home site

of this Group, at BPDCentral.com.

I hope you will find support, advice, peace and healing for yourself, whether

you decide to stay at this Group or join the Christian-perspective Group, you

will be welcome.

-Annie

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> I am new to this group and not quite sure how to use it just yet and new to