Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT down the tunnel!

[Guest guest]

I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you have

found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to healing.

For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years ago

that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation was

comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster did

was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused, lost,

righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me into the

Dr. for pills to numb me up.

I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some peace of

mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really hard work! My

Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this meant to WHO I AM

TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak directly to

BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic perpetuated against us

KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the author stated that in order to

heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually refuses to accept the abuse. This

causes them to feel a monstrous amount of anxiety, along with grief and

depression. Without these feelings we cannot heal.

I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has provided

the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my self esteem

over the past decade.

I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've been

through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on yourselves during

those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be kind to yourselves;

we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already been done to us in spades!

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for the welcome and for sharing your story! It's nice to find

a place where people understand what it's like to have a BP parent.

Also, thank you for sharing the resources that you've read. I'm currently

reading my first book about BPD and am interested in reading more and hearing

which people suggest from this group.

~

" I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. "

>

> I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you have

found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to healing.

>

> For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years ago

that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation was

comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster did

was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused, lost,

righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me into the

Dr. for pills to numb me up.

>

> I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some peace

of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really hard work!

My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this meant to WHO I

AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

>

> Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak directly to

BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic perpetuated against us

KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the author stated that in order to

heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually refuses to accept the abuse. This

causes them to feel a monstrous amount of anxiety, along with grief and

depression. Without these feelings we cannot heal.

>

> I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has provided

the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my self esteem

over the past decade.

>

> I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've been

through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on yourselves during

those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be kind to yourselves;

we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already been done to us in spades!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing some of your background. It truly does help to see others

have gone through this and survived! Your statement about having so much

anxiety at times that you felt you needed meds from your dr to numb you

up...I've thought of that often, but seeing all my brother and mother have done

because of drugs, I just can't bring myself to take that step. I know there are

meds out there with very valuable benefits when taken as directed, but I'm

absolutely turned off by any of the narcotic or mood altering types... This

group has been my calming factor the last couple of weeks!

>

> I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you have

found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to healing.

>

> For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years ago

that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation was

comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster did

was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused, lost,

righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me into the

Dr. for pills to numb me up.

>

> I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some peace

of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really hard work!

My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this meant to WHO I

AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

>

> Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak directly to

BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic perpetuated against us

KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the author stated that in order to

heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually refuses to accept the abuse. This

causes them to feel a monstrous amount of anxiety, along with grief and

depression. Without these feelings we cannot heal.

>

> I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has provided

the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my self esteem

over the past decade.

>

> I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've been

through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on yourselves during

those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be kind to yourselves;

we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already been done to us in spades!

>

[Guest guest]

By the way -- I've got my first appointment with my therapist since making this

discovery, next week. I cannot wait to get her insight on what my course of

action should be!

> >

> > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you have

found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to healing.

> >

> > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years ago

that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation was

comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster did

was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused, lost,

righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me into the

Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> >

> > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some peace

of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really hard work!

My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this meant to WHO I

AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> >

> > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak directly to

BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic perpetuated against us

KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the author stated that in order to

heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually refuses to accept the abuse. This

causes them to feel a monstrous amount of anxiety, along with grief and

depression. Without these feelings we cannot heal.

> >

> > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my self

esteem over the past decade.

> >

> > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on yourselves

during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be kind to

yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already been done to

us in spades!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I had my first therapist appointment this week and it went very well. I

started crying the minute I walked through the waiting room doors. Like a

tidal wave of tears, after years of being strong for everyone else. I didn`t

tell her that I had google diagnosed my mom as bpd, just explained my life.

The therapist never said the words bpd, just validated that I obviously had

a dysfunctional mother and a dysfunctional family. She talked about fear and

guilt and my anxiety levels.

I have an emotional cut-off mom, who has fits of rage and entitlement, uses

the silent treatment and emotional cut-off to get her way. She is also a

hermit with severe OCD about her environment - germs and everything has to

be `just-so``. No-one except my father(they are still together) has entered

her home in 15 years. All friends and extended family have been cut off.

There is quite an ordeal that my father goes through, changes all his

clothes in the entranceway, washes his hair outside under the tap, etc

before he can come inside. Mail cannot come into the home unless it is taken

out of the outer envelope first. And not just germs. She freaks out if my

teenage boys do not cut the grass in a straight line, she`ll replace her

toaster if the white plastic even starts to yellow (especially odd since no

one comes in the house to see her toaster except her and my father.) These

obsessions also cause her to waste a ton of money because everything has to

be replaced.

And I have put a smile on my face and kept the relationships alive and never

said a word. Hid her behaviour from the public. My husband and kids just

thought she was nuts. We all thought we could love her enough. I never stood

up to her like my brothers did, they have been in and out of her life for

years. And my father always sides with her.

I have pretty much been in her good graces because I never stood up to her.

But now I have and I have the silent treatment(they live next door and

we own the property together) (huge mistake that I now realize I was

manipulated into.)

I have so much anger towards myself that I allowed this to happen. I

actually allowed her to stand there and yell at my kids and friends for

getting

gravel from the driveway onto the grass. For years told my kids not to upset

grandma.omg..I am disgusted with myself..I should have known

better, I couldn't wait to get away from her when I was a teenager and start

my life and somehow the insidious behaviour snuck into my life, my

marriage, my childrens' lives.

The therapist wants to see me weekly for a while. Work on deep breathing for

the anxiety. She said I have asserted myself for the first time in my

life, and the outcome with my mom was what I always predicted it would be if

I ever asserted myself. I have avoided feeling uncomfortable my whole

life, kept the peace, tried to create some pretty picture. The therapist is

going to help me get used to the feeling of being " uncomfortable " and

warned my that this will be a long rocky road. The day after the therapy

session I actually felt guilt for " tattling " on my mother.sigh..

One thing the therapist really said that has really helped and I keep

repeating when I feel guilty for letting so much

time pass and allowing this to happen. ..What I did in the past worked for

me in the past and it isn't working for me anymore, I have the right to

make changes in my life.

Thanks for letting me vent :-)

NG

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of jtadcock

Sent: July-26-12 8:21 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

By the way -- I've got my first appointment with my therapist since making

this discovery, next week. I cannot wait to get her insight on what my

course of action should be!

> >

> > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you

have found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to

healing.

> >

> > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years

ago that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation

was comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster

did was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused,

lost, righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me

into the Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> >

> > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some

peace of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really

hard work! My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this

meant to WHO I AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> >

> > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak

directly to BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic

perpetuated against us KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the

author stated that in order to heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually

refuses to accept the abuse. This causes them to feel a monstrous amount of

anxiety, along with grief and depression. Without these feelings we cannot

heal.

> >

> > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my

self esteem over the past decade.

> >

> > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on

yourselves during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be

kind to yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already

been done to us in spades!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is so wonderful, you deserve such big hugs and big kudos for having the

courage to tackle your anxieties RE your (very) dysfunctional parents. Your

mother's Hermit Bpd /paranoid/phobic/ocpd behaviors do sound really extreme,

and there is her husband/your dad enabling her extremely dysfunctional behavior

completely. (I can relate; my now deceased bpd mom " nada " had traits of

obsessive-compulsive pd along with her Cluster B pd traits, and there was dad

just going along with it all, letting her abuse him and denigrate him and

letting her terrorize us kids, and only saying " Well, your mother is

high-strung, that's just the way she is. " )

Sounds to me like you have found a very good, experienced, compassionate

therapist, which is such a blessing. I feel very encouraged for you: you are on

the path to healing and peace and learning healthier ways of handling such a

difficult parental situation.

That rocks!

-Annie

> > >

> > > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you

> have found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to

> healing.

> > >

> > > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years

> ago that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation

> was comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

> memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster

> did was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused,

> lost, righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me

> into the Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> > >

> > > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some

> peace of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really

> hard work! My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this

> meant to WHO I AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> > >

> > > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

> patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak

> directly to BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic

> perpetuated against us KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the

> author stated that in order to heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually

> refuses to accept the abuse. This causes them to feel a monstrous amount of

> anxiety, along with grief and depression. Without these feelings we cannot

> heal.

> > >

> > > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

> provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my

> self esteem over the past decade.

> > >

> > > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

> been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on

> yourselves during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be

> kind to yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already

> been done to us in spades!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. That took a lot of courage. Those first steps toward defining yourself in

your own terms and questioning the status quo are so tough in my experience, but

they are also the beginning of a period of growth and development that you will

benefit from in ways you cannot even begin to imagine now.

I hope you keep reporting in to this group as you go along. That is wonderful

that you found a therapist who is helpful to you.

Best,

HC

> > >

> > > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you

> have found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to

> healing.

> > >

> > > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years

> ago that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation

> was comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

> memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster

> did was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused,

> lost, righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me

> into the Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> > >

> > > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some

> peace of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really

> hard work! My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this

> meant to WHO I AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> > >

> > > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

> patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak

> directly to BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic

> perpetuated against us KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the

> author stated that in order to heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually

> refuses to accept the abuse. This causes them to feel a monstrous amount of

> anxiety, along with grief and depression. Without these feelings we cannot

> heal.

> > >

> > > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

> provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my

> self esteem over the past decade.

> > >

> > > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

> been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on

> yourselves during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be

> kind to yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already

> been done to us in spades!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

 

When I read your post i just had to respond. I to live next door to my mother

who has BPD. Sometimes I think I am the one who is off alittle....Why did I do

that..move next door???  I wonder how common that is for those of us who never

want to rock the boat and keep everyone else happy. Never allowing ourselves to

feel and to know who we are. I was portrayed as the good child never to let my

mother down while my sister stood up to her.

 

I have finally stood up. What does that really mean?? I guess set limits for me

on her behavior. It has gone on 4 weeks of the silent treatment and shame of me

for not giving her everything she wants and allowing her full control of

my life. I have three children and they spent time with her often. She can be

very charming to them until one of her rages. It finally came to a head when

they told be they were scared to be at her house and now I set limit of no

unsupervised visits.

 

She has threatened sucicde,  sleeps in parks in her vehicle to prove to me how

bad I am she cant come home, etc. My dad tells me she thinks I owe her an

apology?? Do BPDs ever have any insight to their behaviors???

 

The overwhelming guilt I feel totally stinks. Why can't I let those feelings go

and stop wanting to fix things when knowing no matter what I do it will never be

enough for a BPD. Ugh..

 

Just wanted to share.

 

WM

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 6:16 AM

Subject: RE: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

 

I had my first therapist appointment this week and it went very well. I

started crying the minute I walked through the waiting room doors. Like a

tidal wave of tears, after years of being strong for everyone else. I didn`t

tell her that I had google diagnosed my mom as bpd, just explained my life.

The therapist never said the words bpd, just validated that I obviously had

a dysfunctional mother and a dysfunctional family. She talked about fear and

guilt and my anxiety levels.

I have an emotional cut-off mom, who has fits of rage and entitlement, uses

the silent treatment and emotional cut-off to get her way. She is also a

hermit with severe OCD about her environment - germs and everything has to

be `just-so``. No-one except my father(they are still together) has entered

her home in 15 years. All friends and extended family have been cut off.

There is quite an ordeal that my father goes through, changes all his

clothes in the entranceway, washes his hair outside under the tap, etc

before he can come inside. Mail cannot come into the home unless it is taken

out of the outer envelope first. And not just germs. She freaks out if my

teenage boys do not cut the grass in a straight line, she`ll replace her

toaster if the white plastic even starts to yellow (especially odd since no

one comes in the house to see her toaster except her and my father.) These

obsessions also cause her to waste a ton of money because everything has to

be replaced.

And I have put a smile on my face and kept the relationships alive and never

said a word. Hid her behaviour from the public. My husband and kids just

thought she was nuts. We all thought we could love her enough. I never stood

up to her like my brothers did, they have been in and out of her life for

years. And my father always sides with her.

I have pretty much been in her good graces because I never stood up to her.

But now I have and I have the silent treatment(they live next door and

we own the property together) (huge mistake that I now realize I was

manipulated into.)

I have so much anger towards myself that I allowed this to happen. I

actually allowed her to stand there and yell at my kids and friends for

getting

gravel from the driveway onto the grass. For years told my kids not to upset

grandma.omg..I am disgusted with myself..I should have known

better, I couldn't wait to get away from her when I was a teenager and start

my life and somehow the insidious behaviour snuck into my life, my

marriage, my childrens' lives.

The therapist wants to see me weekly for a while. Work on deep breathing for

the anxiety. She said I have asserted myself for the first time in my

life, and the outcome with my mom was what I always predicted it would be if

I ever asserted myself. I have avoided feeling uncomfortable my whole

life, kept the peace, tried to create some pretty picture. The therapist is

going to help me get used to the feeling of being " uncomfortable " and

warned my that this will be a long rocky road. The day after the therapy

session I actually felt guilt for " tattling " on my mother.sigh..

One thing the therapist really said that has really helped and I keep

repeating when I feel guilty for letting so much

time pass and allowing this to happen. ..What I did in the past worked for

me in the past and it isn't working for me anymore, I have the right to

make changes in my life.

Thanks for letting me vent :-)

NG

_____

From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

[mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of jtadcock

Sent: July-26-12 8:21 PM

To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

By the way -- I've got my first appointment with my therapist since making

this discovery, next week. I cannot wait to get her insight on what my

course of action should be!

> >

> > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you

have found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to

healing.

> >

> > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years

ago that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation

was comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster

did was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused,

lost, righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me

into the Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> >

> > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some

peace of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really

hard work! My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this

meant to WHO I AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> >

> > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak

directly to BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic

perpetuated against us KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the

author stated that in order to heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually

refuses to accept the abuse. This causes them to feel a monstrous amount of

anxiety, along with grief and depression. Without these feelings we cannot

heal.

> >

> > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my

self esteem over the past decade.

> >

> > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on

yourselves during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be

kind to yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already

been done to us in spades!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

I have recently joined this support group and this is in fact my first post.  I

had decided to read for awhile before posting, but after reading your email, I

couldn't help but respond.  I'm not sure how this works even and / or if this

will get posted since I might not be going through the right channels and see

that the first email is censored before posting, but anyway here goes...  I

didn't think anyone else would write that they were living beside their

mother.  My husband and I built a duplex (if you can imagine anything worse

than living in a house beside your mom, it would be sharing a duplex) as we also

were planning our wedding.  My parents bought 1/2 and we had the other side. 

My excuse for this is that 29 years ago...Yes I have somehow managed this for 29

years...I didn't know that there was anything wrong with my mother.  I'm an

only child who spent way too much time with her mother growing up.  My dad

wasn't around much.  Still

not really sure if that was because of his issues or probably a mixture of his

issues and my mother's behaviors.  The one thing I remember my dad telling me

is that he wouldn't have stayed married to her if it wasn't for me and then the

big statement of " Jesus Christ could not please your mother " .  I remember

feeling a rush of emotions after he said that....partly sympathy for my mother

that he didn't love her the way he should and partly fear that he was going to

leave and I would be all alone with her. But anyway, he stayed and was a part

time husband and dad.  I made excuses for her behaviors as I became a

teenager, thinking that I was all she had, and feeling sorry for her that Dad

didn't spend anymore time with her than he did.  I rarely went out with friends

and never if my dad was not going to be home.  Finally I met my high school

sweetheart, and then after a few years we decided to get married.   As we were

making plans, a comment by

my mom that she didn't know what she was going to do without me and wouldn't it

be wonderful if we could build a house together was all it took to have me

convince my poor unsuspecting husband to build a duplex instead of the house we

were planning.  I knew, because my mother told me, that she would never have

the opportunity to have a new house because Daddy didn't make enough and with

his increasing health problems, she also didn't know how she would be able

to  " manage with him " alone.  I was " suckered " into this because I had always

tried to please her and knew this would be something that would surely " make her

happy " .  Well, yes, that was 29 years ago and did I make her happy? 

Absolutely not.  Oh there have been days where she was not " as bad " as others

but for the most part I have turned my entire life inside out for her for really

nothing.  I will always remember coming in from our honeymoon to her on the

porch screaming at my dad, and

then turning on me asking why we had to stay gone so long?!  (We had only been

away 3 nights)  Oh God, how I should have know then, but no I just started

trying to make up for the days I had been gone and trying to calm her / please

her / whatever it took to stop the craziness that I had just brought my new

husband into.   The first time I knew anything was wrong, and that everybody

didn't have a relationship like I did with my mom, was several years later when

I changed jobs, and became friends with a girl who after listening to some of my

daily activities, said, " I don't see how you survive that! "   Man, that was an

eyeopener.  My husband was working crazy hours and was rarely at home, so I had

fell into the same routine of caretaking that I had been at before.  Also, my

dad had to first go live at an assisted living facility and then passed away

in 2000.  Then after I went to my first therapy appointment and found the

book, " I Hate You,

Don't Leave Me " , I realized that my mother had BPD.  My therapist diagnosed

her almost from the beginning, just from listening to me, but then after I

convinced her to come in for a couple of sessions, she was certain she was

correct in her diagnosis.  My mom stopped when the therapist didn't say

everything that she agreed with and was worse for awhile because everytime I

tried to follow the therapists advice and set a boundry, she would scream that I

was " only caring about myself now that I was going to that woman! "   Sadly, alot

has not changed about our relationship.  I am beginning again to try and make

changes to " save myself " .  It is so true from books that I have read that the

bp tries to suck the life out of her child to fill the emptiness inside her. 

For the last couple of months I have started to feel like she has finally

started to succeed and I was just giving in more and more because standing up to

her and trying to set a boundry was

just too hard.  The crying, hatefulness, being sorry, cycle was just becoming

more that I could stand against and it was easier just to do what she wanted. 

But then I saw my husband slipping further away from me and I realized my

friends were all gone also.  With no children, I FINALLY have picked back up my

books, found this support group, and pray that this will finally truly be my

" oz " and that I can begin to have a life at 55 before it is too late.  I too am

resentful of the lost years, and scared that I will never really have a life as

long as she is living, but then at the same time, I'm scared to think about life

without her.  Now, what do I do with that?!  She is the most manipulative

person and self centered woman I have ever know.  Her moods change on a dime

now, especially when she doesn't get her way.  In fact today is my birthday and

she started being really nice this morning and trying to plan a dinner for me. 

She even called

and invited a couple to join me, my husband and her for dinner.  Even though

she picked the restraunt without a thought to me and my wishes, I was still glad

that maybe for the first time that I could remember I might have a peaceful

birthday.  But no , now at the last minute she is cancelling on going, not

becaue my husband is going which is her usual problem, but instead because the

couple she invited can't join us until 7:00 and she thinks that is too late for

her and just doesn't feel well enough to wait that late too eat.  She told me

to choose to call the couple and tell them we would have to meet them at another

time so that she could be with me on my birthday or that my husband and I could

go without her.  She would just fix herself a frozen dinner and would be fine

alone (all the time struggling to breathe and saying that she was so weak that

she didn't know if she  could fix anything).  So now in tears, I come back

across to ask my

husband what to do.  His advice was to let her have her pity party alone and

us go ahead with the plans she made.  So, I sat down to write this in hopes

that in doing so, I would do my entry email and also find some peace.  Actually

this has helped and I guess that we will be leaving soon without my mom.  I can

so relate to the crazy stunts of your mother, because I know mine will either be

on the porch as we leave or call to tell me again how bad she is feeling, so

that for the short amount of time I am gone I will have to fight thoughts of

guilt.  So...Happy Freakin Birthday to me! 

I'm sorry this is so long to everyone.  And some of it may be cut but just know

that I am so grateful to have found a sounding board and hopefully good

advice.  I really am ready to start this fight for myself so that I can stop

feeling like I am drowning.

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Saturday, July 28, 2012 11:29 AM

Subject: Re: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

 

Hi,

 

When I read your post i just had to respond. I to live next door to my mother

who has BPD. Sometimes I think I am the one who is off alittle....Why did I do

that..move next door???  I wonder how common that is for those of us who never

want to rock the boat and keep everyone else happy. Never allowing ourselves to

feel and to know who we are. I was portrayed as the good child never to let my

mother down while my sister stood up to her.

 

I have finally stood up. What does that really mean?? I guess set limits for me

on her behavior. It has gone on 4 weeks of the silent treatment and shame of me

for not giving her everything she wants and allowing her full control of

my life. I have three children and they spent time with her often. She can be

very charming to them until one of her rages. It finally came to a head when

they told be they were scared to be at her house and now I set limit of no

unsupervised visits.

 

She has threatened sucicde,  sleeps in parks in her vehicle to prove to me how

bad I am she cant come home, etc. My dad tells me she thinks I owe her an

apology?? Do BPDs ever have any insight to their behaviors???

 

The overwhelming guilt I feel totally stinks. Why can't I let those feelings go

and stop wanting to fix things when knowing no matter what I do it will never be

enough for a BPD. Ugh..

 

Just wanted to share.

 

WM

________________________________

From: Gagne

To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 6:16 AM

Subject: RE: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

 

I had my first therapist appointment this week and it went very well. I

started crying the minute I walked through the waiting room doors. Like a

tidal wave of tears, after years of being strong for everyone else. I didn`t

tell her that I had google diagnosed my mom as bpd, just explained my life.

The therapist never said the words bpd, just validated that I obviously had

a dysfunctional mother and a dysfunctional family. She talked about fear and

guilt and my anxiety levels.

I have an emotional cut-off mom, who has fits of rage and entitlement, uses

the silent treatment and emotional cut-off to get her way. She is also a

hermit with severe OCD about her environment - germs and everything has to

be `just-so``. No-one except my father(they are still together) has entered

her home in 15 years. All friends and extended family have been cut off.

There is quite an ordeal that my father goes through, changes all his

clothes in the entranceway, washes his hair outside under the tap, etc

before he can come inside. Mail cannot come into the home unless it is taken

out of the outer envelope first. And not just germs. She freaks out if my

teenage boys do not cut the grass in a straight line, she`ll replace her

toaster if the white plastic even starts to yellow (especially odd since no

one comes in the house to see her toaster except her and my father.) These

obsessions also cause her to waste a ton of money because everything has to

be replaced.

And I have put a smile on my face and kept the relationships alive and never

said a word. Hid her behaviour from the public. My husband and kids just

thought she was nuts. We all thought we could love her enough. I never stood

up to her like my brothers did, they have been in and out of her life for

years. And my father always sides with her.

I have pretty much been in her good graces because I never stood up to her.

But now I have and I have the silent treatment(they live next door and

we own the property together) (huge mistake that I now realize I was

manipulated into.)

I have so much anger towards myself that I allowed this to happen. I

actually allowed her to stand there and yell at my kids and friends for

getting

gravel from the driveway onto the grass. For years told my kids not to upset

grandma.omg..I am disgusted with myself..I should have known

better, I couldn't wait to get away from her when I was a teenager and start

my life and somehow the insidious behaviour snuck into my life, my

marriage, my childrens' lives.

The therapist wants to see me weekly for a while. Work on deep breathing for

the anxiety. She said I have asserted myself for the first time in my

life, and the outcome with my mom was what I always predicted it would be if

I ever asserted myself. I have avoided feeling uncomfortable my whole

life, kept the peace, tried to create some pretty picture. The therapist is

going to help me get used to the feeling of being " uncomfortable " and

warned my that this will be a long rocky road. The day after the therapy

session I actually felt guilt for " tattling " on my mother.sigh..

One thing the therapist really said that has really helped and I keep

repeating when I feel guilty for letting so much

time pass and allowing this to happen. ..What I did in the past worked for

me in the past and it isn't working for me anymore, I have the right to

make changes in my life.

Thanks for letting me vent :-)

NG

_____

From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

[mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of jtadcock

Sent: July-26-12 8:21 PM

To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

By the way -- I've got my first appointment with my therapist since making

this discovery, next week. I cannot wait to get her insight on what my

course of action should be!

> >

> > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you

have found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to

healing.

> >

> > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years

ago that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation

was comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster

did was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused,

lost, righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me

into the Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> >

> > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some

peace of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really

hard work! My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this

meant to WHO I AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> >

> > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak

directly to BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic

perpetuated against us KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the

author stated that in order to heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually

refuses to accept the abuse. This causes them to feel a monstrous amount of

anxiety, along with grief and depression. Without these feelings we cannot

heal.

> >

> > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my

self esteem over the past decade.

> >

> > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on

yourselves during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be

kind to yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already

been done to us in spades!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for your reply - it has been so helpful to read about others'

experiences here. My situation is different than most here, like you, my mom

doesn't call me all the time lately - we're now on almost 2 months of

silence.

Hubby and I just had a fight and I know he is right, but yet I am so tired..

Right after the blowup that started the silence, my 14 year old son asked

his grandma if she was going to his grade 8 grad. She said " no " and just

shoved his card and money towards him and closed the door.

Well today she spoke to him like nothing was wrong and asked him if he had a

grad picture for her. He kind of just shrugged and said yeah he'd look for

one. I was planning on ignoring the request unless they asked me directly

(she would send my father over to ask), and then I guess give her one.

Husband says no way, if she had wanted a picture she could have come to the

grad and taken one herself.

My husband says my caving in is what got us into this mess in the first

place. ..

I'm just tired of feeling in the middle all the time. I feel like I don't

have the strength for this. I know my parents are just throwing me some kind

of crumb, if I act angry and spiteful and say no it will prolong this

silence. But yet I don't want them back in my life on the same terms as

before.

_____

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Malard

Sent: July-28-12 11:29 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is

LIGHT down the tunnel!

Hi,

When I read your post i just had to respond. I to live next door to my

mother who has BPD. Sometimes I think I am the one who is off alittle....Why

did I do that..move next door??? I wonder how common that is for those of

us who never want to rock the boat and keep everyone else happy. Never

allowing ourselves to feel and to know who we are. I was portrayed as the

good child never to let my mother down while my sister stood up to her.

I have finally stood up. What does that really mean?? I guess set limits for

me on her behavior. It has gone on 4 weeks of the silent treatment and shame

of me for not giving her everything she wants and allowing her full control

of my life. I have three children and they spent time with her often. She

can be very charming to them until one of her rages. It finally came to a

head when they told be they were scared to be at her house and now I set

limit of no unsupervised visits.

She has threatened sucicde, sleeps in parks in her vehicle to prove to me

how bad I am she cant come home, etc. My dad tells me she thinks I owe her

an apology?? Do BPDs ever have any insight to their behaviors???

The overwhelming guilt I feel totally stinks. Why can't I let those feelings

go and stop wanting to fix things when knowing no matter what I do it will

never be enough for a BPD. Ugh..

Just wanted to share.

WM

________________________________

From: Gagne njgagne@... >

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, July 27, 2012 6:16 AM

Subject: RE: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is

LIGHT down the tunnel!

I had my first therapist appointment this week and it went very well. I

started crying the minute I walked through the waiting room doors. Like a

tidal wave of tears, after years of being strong for everyone else. I didn`t

tell her that I had google diagnosed my mom as bpd, just explained my life.

The therapist never said the words bpd, just validated that I obviously had

a dysfunctional mother and a dysfunctional family. She talked about fear and

guilt and my anxiety levels.

I have an emotional cut-off mom, who has fits of rage and entitlement, uses

the silent treatment and emotional cut-off to get her way. She is also a

hermit with severe OCD about her environment - germs and everything has to

be `just-so``. No-one except my father(they are still together) has entered

her home in 15 years. All friends and extended family have been cut off.

There is quite an ordeal that my father goes through, changes all his

clothes in the entranceway, washes his hair outside under the tap, etc

before he can come inside. Mail cannot come into the home unless it is taken

out of the outer envelope first. And not just germs. She freaks out if my

teenage boys do not cut the grass in a straight line, she`ll replace her

toaster if the white plastic even starts to yellow (especially odd since no

one comes in the house to see her toaster except her and my father.) These

obsessions also cause her to waste a ton of money because everything has to

be replaced.

And I have put a smile on my face and kept the relationships alive and never

said a word. Hid her behaviour from the public. My husband and kids just

thought she was nuts. We all thought we could love her enough. I never stood

up to her like my brothers did, they have been in and out of her life for

years. And my father always sides with her.

I have pretty much been in her good graces because I never stood up to her.

But now I have and I have the silent treatment(they live next door and

we own the property together) (huge mistake that I now realize I was

manipulated into.)

I have so much anger towards myself that I allowed this to happen. I

actually allowed her to stand there and yell at my kids and friends for

getting

gravel from the driveway onto the grass. For years told my kids not to upset

grandma.omg..I am disgusted with myself..I should have known

better, I couldn't wait to get away from her when I was a teenager and start

my life and somehow the insidious behaviour snuck into my life, my

marriage, my childrens' lives.

The therapist wants to see me weekly for a while. Work on deep breathing for

the anxiety. She said I have asserted myself for the first time in my

life, and the outcome with my mom was what I always predicted it would be if

I ever asserted myself. I have avoided feeling uncomfortable my whole

life, kept the peace, tried to create some pretty picture. The therapist is

going to help me get used to the feeling of being " uncomfortable " and

warned my that this will be a long rocky road. The day after the therapy

session I actually felt guilt for " tattling " on my mother.sigh..

One thing the therapist really said that has really helped and I keep

repeating when I feel guilty for letting so much

time pass and allowing this to happen. ..What I did in the past worked for

me in the past and it isn't working for me anymore, I have the right to

make changes in my life.

Thanks for letting me vent :-)

NG

_____

From: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

[mailto:mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com] On Behalf Of jtadcock

Sent: July-26-12 8:21 PM

To: mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com

Subject: Re: Welcome new members and yes, there is LIGHT

down the tunnel!

By the way -- I've got my first appointment with my therapist since making

this discovery, next week. I cannot wait to get her insight on what my

course of action should be!

> >

> > I notice we have several new members, hello and welcome! I am glad you

have found us and hope the BPD revelation starts you on a journey to

healing.

> >

> > For those of you who do not know my story, I finally figured out 2 years

ago that my mom is BPD after 46 years of chaotic hell. While the revelation

was comforting, it turned my world upside down. Shock, grief, dissecting old

memories and seeing them from the new perspective that none of what Momster

did was my fault. I have felt sad, depressed, ANGRY, miserable, confused,

lost, righteous, guilty, redeemed, and at times the anxiety almost drove me

into the Dr. for pills to numb me up.

> >

> > I read all the recommended books (SWOE, UtBM, etc.). Each gave me some

peace of mind, more anger to process, and memories to sort. This is really

hard work! My Therapist was invaluable in helping me process what all this

meant to WHO I AM TODAY, minus all the crazy my nada & fada put into me.

> >

> > Recently I finished reading " Scapegoating in families: Intergenerational

patterns of physical and emotional abuse. " While this does not speak

directly to BPD, splitting/scapegoating is a major characteristic

perpetuated against us KO's. I got HUGE validation from this book--the

author stated that in order to heal, a victim of scapegoating eventually

refuses to accept the abuse. This causes them to feel a monstrous amount of

anxiety, along with grief and depression. Without these feelings we cannot

heal.

> >

> > I am so grateful to this group and to my wonderful therapist who has

provided the safety and support to me process my childhood and develop my

self esteem over the past decade.

> >

> > I felt it important to let all the newcomers here know some of what I've

been through, and to remind you all to not be impatient or hard on

yourselves during those times you feel stuck or embarrassed or impatient. Be

kind to yourselves; we don't have to beat up on ourselves--that's already

been done to us in spades!

> >

>