Guest guest Posted July 22, 2012 Report Share Posted July 22, 2012 I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. Moon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 I have an 8 year old son who is the same way and there are times when I'm actually glad that he goes to his father's house for a weekend. I feel bad whenever I lose my temper but sometimes it just comes out. I have a bpd mother and I always swore I wouldn't act like her but when I'm tired, not feeling well or he's just really pushing my buttons I explode. I think it happens to the best of us. Sorry for the bad day ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, July 23, 2012 12:22 AM Subject: Bad day, strong trigger.  I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. Moon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi, My heart goes out to you. I know exactly what this feels like. I had/have an extra spirited daughter too. I found parenting her a struggle at times and I felt guilty as hell about it when I would lose patience or feel the ghosts of personality disordered parents acting through me. You clearly have a witnessing eye on yourself which is half the battle won right there. It is great that you brought yourself to write about it and ask for support. Things like this fester when not brought into the light. One thing I am just now coming to realize about my daughter who is 13 is that she was and is very, very much like me. The more I accept and love myself and my own spirited defiant tendencies, the softer and more compassionate I am able to be with my daughter. When she was younger one of the things that I found to be helpful, is to just make sure that I got enough down time to let my nerves settle. Being careful to schedule in breaks where I was able to do something that I found soothing helped enormously. Keep writing and getting support. HC > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > Moon > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi Moon, I feel your pain, definitely! My BPD mom has created a bunch of fleas, one being giant defensiveness, anxiety, and reactivity when challenged. This being from a 4 year old on up to a loving husband, and of course nada and really, anyone who feels the need to confront me over something....sometimes not warranted, but often totally reasonably. My twin daughters are now 15, and if you think being challenged by a 4 year old is a trigger, just wait until they're teenagers. Whoa! All I can say, is the job description of a child at any age, is to challenge you. It is necessary for them to get a solid footing on the world. The parent is supposed to be a steady wall for them to be able to bump up against and to still know that you love them unconditionally, and not turn into a monster. For me - I didn't get into good therapy for my nada's damage until my girls were about 6-7, whereby my therapist said emphatically " YOU CANT YELL AT A 6 YEAR OLD!!! If you are being pushed to the point of exploding at a child, you need to remove yourself immediately, and address them when you are calm. Explosive anger at a child does nothing but irreparable damage, and will totally squelch that spirit that you love so much. They learn, as you may have with your nada, that expressing themselves isn't ok. Giving you their opinion about Willie Wonka isn't ok. Coming up with their interpretation of the sky isn't ok. I had to really ask myself, why do I feel the need to argue with her. She is supposed to challenge me, I don't need to engage with her over everything. These particular instances are wonderful teaching/learning moments for your daughter and shouldn't be turned into something about you. She's not challenging you per se, she's trying to interpret and question the world around her. For her to say " don't be mad, I won't do that anymore " to her questioning the things around her could give a very mixed message about the world, and her place in it. The job of a 4 year old is to constantly ask why why why why. Something that my therapist had me do was to practice just saying " OK " to things that don't matter. (Like - Ok, that is a great observation...even if you don't agree) If they challenge a " no " answer something they want, then continue to state your answer, and then say 'im not discussing this anymore " and move on and distract her. If you feel an explosion coming on, go in your room and shut the door till you are calm. Try to become aware of the little things that set you off, before they set you off. I don't mean to be forward, but I say these things with the experience of having done this myself, and now see in my daughters some of the the negative outcomes of my anger. It's awful to know that you did something similar to your Nada, that could cause your children major self esteem issues in the future. I hope I have been able to make up for some of the damage I may have caused my girls. I do know that my friends that don't have BPD in their history, also loose their tempers occasionally so it's not totally exclusive to us, but just make sure that when your temper does flare, come to your daughter and apologize, and let her know that how you reacted isn't ok. As long as you model positive behavior and let her know that it isn't her fault, you'll be on the right track. There is this great book that my T recommended - that gives some fantastic ideas on how to discipline correctly, and still allow your child to develop a healthy sense of themself. One fear I had was that I didn't really know how 'normal and healthy' people reacted to their children. This book really laid out a great process for me to follow. (The book - Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen) I still have issues with being challenged but through meditation, some good therapy, and extreme hard work, have been able to move past so many of the triggers that thwart good parenting, and healthy relationships. I still have my nada in my life, and she is a constant reminder of how important it is to help put psychologically healthy people on this planet. It's way bigger than me. I know it's hard, believe me. I used to cry constantly at my two girls coming at me all day long - I felt so out of control. All the things that are totally normal, would set me off. I just wanted them to be quiet and behave - but what is that? Certainly not their fault - totally my problem. Best of luck to you. Keeping you in my thoughts! Lesley > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > Moon > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Have to laugh- tried the " discussion is over " line of " end of discussion " . Now when my 8 year old doesn't like what I'm saying he state's his point of view and always ends with " end of discussion " . I really need to work on removing myself when I get to that breaking point. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Cc: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, July 23, 2012 12:21 PM Subject: Re: Bad day, strong trigger.  Hi Moon, I feel your pain, definitely! My BPD mom has created a bunch of fleas, one being giant defensiveness, anxiety, and reactivity when challenged. This being from a 4 year old on up to a loving husband, and of course nada and really, anyone who feels the need to confront me over something....sometimes not warranted, but often totally reasonably. My twin daughters are now 15, and if you think being challenged by a 4 year old is a trigger, just wait until they're teenagers. Whoa! All I can say, is the job description of a child at any age, is to challenge you. It is necessary for them to get a solid footing on the world. The parent is supposed to be a steady wall for them to be able to bump up against and to still know that you love them unconditionally, and not turn into a monster. For me - I didn't get into good therapy for my nada's damage until my girls were about 6-7, whereby my therapist said emphatically " YOU CANT YELL AT A 6 YEAR OLD!!! If you are being pushed to the point of exploding at a child, you need to remove yourself immediately, and address them when you are calm. Explosive anger at a child does nothing but irreparable damage, and will totally squelch that spirit that you love so much. They learn, as you may have with your nada, that expressing themselves isn't ok. Giving you their opinion about Willie Wonka isn't ok. Coming up with their interpretation of the sky isn't ok. I had to really ask myself, why do I feel the need to argue with her. She is supposed to challenge me, I don't need to engage with her over everything. These particular instances are wonderful teaching/learning moments for your daughter and shouldn't be turned into something about you. She's not challenging you per se, she's trying to interpret and question the world around her. For her to say " don't be mad, I won't do that anymore " to her questioning the things around her could give a very mixed message about the world, and her place in it. The job of a 4 year old is to constantly ask why why why why. Something that my therapist had me do was to practice just saying " OK " to things that don't matter. (Like - Ok, that is a great observation...even if you don't agree) If they challenge a " no " answer something they want, then continue to state your answer, and then say 'im not discussing this anymore " and move on and distract her. If you feel an explosion coming on, go in your room and shut the door till you are calm. Try to become aware of the little things that set you off, before they set you off. I don't mean to be forward, but I say these things with the experience of having done this myself, and now see in my daughters some of the the negative outcomes of my anger. It's awful to know that you did something similar to your Nada, that could cause your children major self esteem issues in the future. I hope I have been able to make up for some of the damage I may have caused my girls. I do know that my friends that don't have BPD in their history, also loose their tempers occasionally so it's not totally exclusive to us, but just make sure that when your temper does flare, come to your daughter and apologize, and let her know that how you reacted isn't ok. As long as you model positive behavior and let her know that it isn't her fault, you'll be on the right track. There is this great book that my T recommended - that gives some fantastic ideas on how to discipline correctly, and still allow your child to develop a healthy sense of themself. One fear I had was that I didn't really know how 'normal and healthy' people reacted to their children. This book really laid out a great process for me to follow. (The book - Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen) I still have issues with being challenged but through meditation, some good therapy, and extreme hard work, have been able to move past so many of the triggers that thwart good parenting, and healthy relationships. I still have my nada in my life, and she is a constant reminder of how important it is to help put psychologically healthy people on this planet. It's way bigger than me. I know it's hard, believe me. I used to cry constantly at my two girls coming at me all day long - I felt so out of control. All the things that are totally normal, would set me off. I just wanted them to be quiet and behave - but what is that? Certainly not their fault - totally my problem. Best of luck to you. Keeping you in my thoughts! Lesley > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > Moon > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 mine is " asked and answered, if you keep it up then you are just gonna end up getting into trouble " this is usually when I tell him he can't have/do something. I only use this one on things that there is no WAY I am changing my mind. Like NO I won't give you $200 for a software package for the computer! > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > Moon > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 The best line I ever had I stole from a magazine articile. As soon as I get on the phone if I get pestered about anything I tell him " no, and the answer will remain no to any and all questions as long as I'm on the phone " . Thinking about trying with bathroom breaks too. To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, July 23, 2012 1:17 PM Subject: Re: Bad day, strong trigger.  mine is " asked and answered, if you keep it up then you are just gonna end up getting into trouble " this is usually when I tell him he can't have/do something. I only use this one on things that there is no WAY I am changing my mind. Like NO I won't give you $200 for a software package for the computer! > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > Moon > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Key for me is the idea that I don't argue with children. We are not on equal footing, and it's disrespectful for a child to argue with an adult. There is a polite way to disagree with someone with greater authority, but arguing is not one of them. I think this is an important boundary of behavior to teach and enforce--being able to show appropriate respect is a life skill. I think sometimes as KOs we have difficulty because we don't understand what our rights are--such as being treated with respect--or know how to assert them when they are violated. We may also not know how to respectfully disagree with someone ourselves, because that hasn't been our experience of disagreement, and that makes it hard to teach. I do wonder if by allowing your 4-year-old to argue with you makes her unsure who is in charge. It sounds like it's repeated power struggles that are getting to you. Every time she pushes you to the point of explosion, she's showing she's in charge instead of you, but that's not really what a 4-year-old wants. She wants an adult who can firmly set boundaries and limit her behavior to what is appropriate, safe, and will create warm relationships with others. I don't have kids, but I'm a teacher and that's one of my boundaries for myself in the classroom: I don't argue with students. I have, on occasion, simply told a difficult student, " You don't argue with adults. " At others, I have suggested ways of having a respectful conversation about differences of opinion with someone in authority. It's also important to give opportunities for kids to have an appropriate voice in family choices that affect them--like whether to peas or carrots at dinner, what of 3 acceptable films to see on the weekend, or which of a few age-appropriate chores they'd like to do that week. Whenever I try something new in the classroom, I always ask the kids to rate it. If they don't like it, I don't do it again. I can actually tell what they like and don't like by their behavior during it, but asking themselves makes them feel heard and important. Since it's not just your child, this of course needs to be taken into account. Also, I find giving no more than 4 choices to older kids the maximum number that's reasonable for them and not just confusing. With younger children, I would probably give only 2. I don't know if it works with your own kids or not, but one approach that generally works well in the classroom for arguers is just to look at the child until they are finished. When they can't draw you into an argument, they usually wind down on their own. Good luck! I know parenting can't be easy! Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 HC, Thank you :-) This is like trying to explain having a BPD father to someone whom has had " normal " parents. If you do not have a spirited child, it is not possible to understand the path we have to walk on. They do not operate like other kids and we cannot use the same techniques, it is a challenge 24 x7. My step-daughter was 3.5 when I met my husband, she was what I would consider a child with " normal " needs and I could not have loved her more if she was my own. She is now 26 My spirited child reminds me very much of my BPD Father, same struggles, same challenges, but then BPD reminds me a lot of toddler/child tantrums. These sweet youngens are maturing emotionally, where someone like my Father is stuck at the age of 4-5...due to a tremendously harsh childhood. Still, it feels like daggers to me. It does not help me that I am married to a silent yet high functioning Aspie, whom is like a child himself, hence all work is on my shoulders. Top that with isolation (no family on his side, due to his lack of communication skills + no family on my side), I am left to swim on my own...in this massive dark/cold ocean. Still, I keep hope alive. Thank you for your kind words -- it means a lot M > > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > Moon > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Hi Lesley, I know that the root of me loosing my cool is mainly due to me being super sleep deprived (for the last 4 years) and being married to a child like Aspergers man (high functioning/silent/slow/unplugged...). I have no family here and his family has a long line of Aspies and they are all strange and isolated folks. My husband has no friends, nor does he have a need for any. My daughter comes to work with me (I own my own business) and I need some recovery time when I come home with her, but my husband cannot handle her...so I have to kick in. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I left with my BPD Father. My Mother has issues too (cold / unconditional love / manipulative / OCD and more)....getting side tracked...reason is below! As I am typing this, my Aspie husband still has not been able to put my daughter to bed, so instead he is playing with walkie talkies w/ her while watching the golf channel. I will go and take over as usual and put her to bed and respond to all tomorrow. Thank you all for listening....I feel like I am drowning. M > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > Moon > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 That's so hard. I don't financially if it can be done but I " d try to send your daughter somewhere else so at least at work you can concentrate. There's a limit to how much one person can handle and I think you'll well beyond it. Do you live anywhere near Rochester NY? ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, July 23, 2012 11:48 PM Subject: Re: Bad day, strong trigger.  Hi Lesley, I know that the root of me loosing my cool is mainly due to me being super sleep deprived (for the last 4 years) and being married to a child like Aspergers man (high functioning/silent/slow/unplugged...). I have no family here and his family has a long line of Aspies and they are all strange and isolated folks. My husband has no friends, nor does he have a need for any. My daughter comes to work with me (I own my own business) and I need some recovery time when I come home with her, but my husband cannot handle her...so I have to kick in. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I left with my BPD Father. My Mother has issues too (cold / unconditional love / manipulative / OCD and more)....getting side tracked...reason is below! As I am typing this, my Aspie husband still has not been able to put my daughter to bed, so instead he is playing with walkie talkies w/ her while watching the golf channel. I will go and take over as usual and put her to bed and respond to all tomorrow. Thank you all for listening....I feel like I am drowning. M > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > Moon > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 To be understood...that is such a fundamental need for us (all). Thank you I am not near Rochester, more like DC. I am the one who has to make all the effort, decisions, planning when it comes to this family/finances etc. -- I found a real nice " play " based pre-school for her in March. We caught the last 40 days of school as it was end of the semester, but I was able to sign her up for a new semester and she will be starting this September. She will go for 3.30 hours most days and on 2-3 days she will be there for 4.5 hours. They are a lovely bunch, so I am thrilled for us both. She really needs interaction with other children, be in a environment that is healthy (i am that organic/yoga/nature loving nut) and be safe at the same time. I have been molested repeatedly while my " parents " were too busy to be parents, ok granted my BPD Father was busy working, but he has the tendency to bring home troubled people without even thinking and my " Mom " had the tendency to ignore me and focus on herself and my older half-brother. So I was left in the hands of... I am very vigilant when it comes to my daughter, perhaps a little more than needed. I would be happy to let go if I had people I could trust, but that is not the case at the moment. You know, the saddest part is not what happened to me or how I feel, the saddest part is how alone my daughter is growing up -- no grandparents, a deficient father, a highly sensitive mom...no family at all. I guess I am trying to be all people to her and end up setting myself up for failure, which results in sadness, anger and beyond. When she goes back to school, I will have some time to consider my marriage and perhaps separating from my husband (wow, that was hard to type) for a while -- he causes me pain and I cannot be good to anyone when I am in so much pain. Thank you again , it is so nice to finally " talk " about these things in a place I feel safe, with people that have empathy + a deeper understanding of where I come from. Love to you all. M > > > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > > > Moon > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 Keep reaching out. If you were closer I'd be happy to help out having been there, done that. My 8 year old was still up reading in bed at 1:30 last night! I had gotten up to use the bathroom. Thought he'd gone to sleep after I tucked him in, I did. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 10:07 AM Subject: Re: Bad day, strong trigger.  To be understood...that is such a fundamental need for us (all). Thank you I am not near Rochester, more like DC. I am the one who has to make all the effort, decisions, planning when it comes to this family/finances etc. -- I found a real nice " play " based pre-school for her in March. We caught the last 40 days of school as it was end of the semester, but I was able to sign her up for a new semester and she will be starting this September. She will go for 3.30 hours most days and on 2-3 days she will be there for 4.5 hours. They are a lovely bunch, so I am thrilled for us both. She really needs interaction with other children, be in a environment that is healthy (i am that organic/yoga/nature loving nut) and be safe at the same time. I have been molested repeatedly while my " parents " were too busy to be parents, ok granted my BPD Father was busy working, but he has the tendency to bring home troubled people without even thinking and my " Mom " had the tendency to ignore me and focus on herself and my older half-brother. So I was left in the hands of... I am very vigilant when it comes to my daughter, perhaps a little more than needed. I would be happy to let go if I had people I could trust, but that is not the case at the moment. You know, the saddest part is not what happened to me or how I feel, the saddest part is how alone my daughter is growing up -- no grandparents, a deficient father, a highly sensitive mom...no family at all. I guess I am trying to be all people to her and end up setting myself up for failure, which results in sadness, anger and beyond. When she goes back to school, I will have some time to consider my marriage and perhaps separating from my husband (wow, that was hard to type) for a while -- he causes me pain and I cannot be good to anyone when I am in so much pain. Thank you again , it is so nice to finally " talk " about these things in a place I feel safe, with people that have empathy + a deeper understanding of where I come from. Love to you all. M > > > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > > > Moon > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 Thank you -- sending you a big hug! Mine was rolling around talking in bed, I fell a sleep before her as usual. I was like this when I was younger as well -- lights, noise, heat, cold, pain is magnified for spirited children and they need an adjustment period...they down-shift in their own time Take good care! M > > > > > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > > > > > Moon > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 Maybe more physical activity for your little 4 year old, so that by the end of the day she'll be so physically tired she'll gear down and feel sleepy more quickly? My Sister and I were the kind of kids that would spend summer days *running* around the neighborhood, climbing trees, playing on the swings, playing cowboys and indians or " tarzan " , jumping on pogo sticks, roller-skating, riding bikes, playing " chase " and " tag " with friends. Swimming or playing in the sprinkler. Playing with the dog, chasing butterflies. Literally exhausting ourselves by the end of the day and falling into bed like petrified logs. (I'm growing nostalgic now, for those days of youthful energy!) IF your little one is spending most of her waking hours in non-physical activities, maybe that change would make a difference? -Annie > > Thank you -- sending you a big hug! > > Mine was rolling around talking in bed, I fell a sleep before her as usual. I was like this when I was younger as well -- lights, noise, heat, cold, pain is magnified for spirited children and they need an adjustment period...they down-shift in their own time > > Take good care! > M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 My peditrician (who has add and a child with adhd) recommended a melotin tablet at supper, just helps relax them. Of course check with your own for dosage etc... but it does seem to help. I know he's taking one tonight! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 3:16 PM Subject: Re: Bad day, strong trigger.  Thank you -- sending you a big hug! Mine was rolling around talking in bed, I fell a sleep before her as usual. I was like this when I was younger as well -- lights, noise, heat, cold, pain is magnified for spirited children and they need an adjustment period...they down-shift in their own time Take good care! M > > > > > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > > > > > Moon > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 Hi M, Thanks for sharing that with us. That sounds like a very difficult place to be in. It's really tough when you aren't getting the support you need or even the time to yourself to figure out where to get more support. When we're going through a difficult time, I think we all need someone to be there with us who at least knows what is going on and we can bounce ideas off of and can offer comfort and encouragement. With bpd parents and an Aspie husband, it sounds like you feel you have no one right now. I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you. Take good care, Ashana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 25, 2012 Report Share Posted July 25, 2012 Hi Moon - Wow! You do have a full plate of challenges! Way more than your first post lead on. I am so sorry that the universe seems to be piling it on so heavily for you right now. You must feel as though the weight of the world is upon you. I am so sorry! One consistent trait (or big flea) that I am reading on here and that I have, is self isolation, which, if you recognize you have a tendency to do, can really make these times way more difficult than necessary. I have to constantly remind myself to reach out when feeling overwhelmed. It goes against my nature completely because, as KO's I think we tend to internalize everything and think that we are pretty much alone with the weirdness. No one could ever understand, and to even start to explain it to anyone makes us feel like freaks so why bother. BUT - if you can, try to reach out even for a couple of days/evenings a week - to get some alone time, or exchange a playdate - having a few hours with a buddy for your daughter to play with at the end of the day (to help tucker her out)- at your house then at their house - I know you said you had some serious and certainly justifiable trust issues but perhaps maybe you/she made a friend during those 40 days at the new school? Trade houses for the playdate location a couple of days a week until Sept? I don't know, just grasping for ideas. Sometimes offering to first have the playdates at your house helps one feel more in control and to get to know the parent really well before then moving it to their house??? Also the people at the school probably know all of the parents pretty well and could confirm the safety of whomever you might choose? I know my twins made me absolutely nuts at that age...which, I'm sure, is why pre-school was invented. This nutty age where the parent is just not enough of a challenge for them...but too young for Kindergarten. Maybe re: bedtime challenges...also concentrate on what she is being fed later in the day - I know my sister n law used to feed her little ones chocolate milk in the sippy cup at bed time and wonder why they wouldn't go to sleep - whaaaatttt??? Not that you'd do that but sometimes...depending on her chemistry, food is processed differently for each kid....there might be something online about good evening food so as not to stir up the energy too much. You had mentioned that you are a yoga minded person, which if so, perhaps you might find some solace in the works of Pema Chodron? Have you read any of her books? There's one that has been invaluable to me during times of crisis...and really all the time - " When Things Fall Apart " . It talks about when one perceives the world as falling apart...it's basically falling into place but not how you pictured it ...but it's hard to recognize this when your in the soup. This helped me with the basic understanding of trying not to lump all the challenges into the " all bad " category - separating each thing as it comes - and tackling each issue when you can. It's all about perception - and as KO's our perception of the world can be way skewed. This book really helped put some things in perspective for me, and had some great methods of calming the monkey mind (what buddhists call the mind that is jumping from thought to thought to thought constantly) to put into practice. Especially when you are also, along with your spirited girly, dealing with what sounds like some upcoming tumultuous relationship challenges with your husband. This is no small issue and would be overwhelming for even the most stable person. Also - Try to give yourself some much deserved pats on the back for the mountains you have already climbed. You are a great mom and are doing the best you can trying to keep your daughter safe and happy. My thoughts are with you! Lesley > My peditrician (who has add and a child with adhd) recommended a melotin tablet at supper, just helps relax them. Of course check with your own for dosage etc... but it does seem to help. I know he's taking one tonight! > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 3:16 PM > Subject: Re: Bad day, strong trigger. > > > Thank you -- sending you a big hug! > > Mine was rolling around talking in bed, I fell a sleep before her as usual. I was like this when I was younger as well -- lights, noise, heat, cold, pain is magnified for spirited children and they need an adjustment period...they down-shift in their own time > > Take good care! > M > > > > > > > > > > > I have been thinking about this for awhile, trying to pinpoint my triggers and trying to avoid them. I love my daughter like no other, but I have to be honest -- she can make me lose it and then when I start raging, I can see the tidal wave come out of me. > > > > > > > > > > She is just 4, brilliant, energetic, lovely. She will argue about the ending of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory not being the ultimate or the fact that after asking me what color the sky is, she will challenge my color description by saying, " it is really not so blue..it is maybe more like green blue " . She will not budge, did I say she loves to say no and argue, she is a live wire -- can wake up at 8 am and go until 12am. She is my spirited child... > > > > > > > > > > She pushes me to my limits, will argue with me until I reach my breaking point and then she will calmly say " that is ok, you don't have to be mad, I won't do that anymore. " > > > > > > > > > > The noises, the loud banging, jumping, shutting the doors, the constant chatter, the sudden yelling/laughing/screaming...I feel horrible inside that the one I love the most, pushes me over the edge....daily. > > > > > > > > > > My PTSD is usually dormant, but lately it has been peeking and I am all sorts of jumpy, grumpy and everything in between. > > > > > > > > > > My daughter, bless her 4 year old sweet heart, behaves very very much like my BPD Father at times and I am fighting the fight of my life...trying not to turn into my crazy Father. > > > > > > > > > > I am aware that she is 100% normal and is allowed to act like a 4 year old should, granted she is a little " spicier " than most, but I feel so broken inside that I cannot stop my triggers. > > > > > > > > > > Today was especially hard...I feel so alone in this whole thing. > > > > > > > > > > Moon > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2012 Report Share Posted July 26, 2012 Absolutely Annie, you are 100% correct, I really need to empty her little fierce + lovely tank so that she is happy and tired by the evening. I just have been torn between work and mommy-hood as well as feeling so tired lately. Not sure what is going on, I feel like a 140 year old (ugh!). Yesterday and today, I did not go into work (sorry customers) and we were at the playground + play date -- after naps, she was/is recharged and ready for more. I asked hubby to take over this evening + take her back to the playground. I remember having the need to run for hours at her age, so apple has fallen close to this tree Thank you so much Annie! M > > Maybe more physical activity for your little 4 year old, so that by the end of the day she'll be so physically tired she'll gear down and feel sleepy more quickly? My Sister and I were the kind of kids that would spend summer days *running* around the neighborhood, climbing trees, playing on the swings, playing cowboys and indians or " tarzan " , jumping on pogo sticks, roller-skating, riding bikes, playing " chase " and " tag " with friends. Swimming or playing in the sprinkler. Playing with the dog, chasing butterflies. Literally exhausting ourselves by the end of the day and falling into bed like petrified logs. (I'm growing nostalgic now, for those days of youthful energy!) IF your little one is spending most of her waking hours in non-physical activities, maybe that change would make a difference? > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2012 Report Share Posted July 26, 2012 Hi Ashana, I totally agree, arguing in general does not produce fruitful outcome, especially with youngens. It is hard to explain what is going on with us, it all happens so fast that I even have hard time figuring out things, but it all begins and ends with me as a parent. My own personal issues is hindering me from being + doing my very best. My daughter is a very " on " little person -- she reads all cues and questions (every) thing (not argue, just ask, why, what, if, how) until it cannot be explained any further, still then she can go on and on. She can switch gears and ask or comment on something else and return back to what we were talking about *and* correct me when I cannot keep up with her. Especially when I am driving (city driving, blah!). I try to stay calm and be there, but instead I turn into a human volcano. I take, take, then out of no where, when she starts to correct me " or " comment on me being wrong, I end up acting a bit abrasive, even in my gestures (shifting gears too fast or speeding up a bit) and she catches every grimace, move and then we have to " talk " about that. ly, I am exhausted from talking and analyzing and what ever that is we are doing (as in noted above). I know I have a bright little girl, I know she watches my every move, I know she is a sponge, I just wished I could find my patience, which I seem to have lost somewhere between 2000-2001 (9-11 broke me down pretty badly). With every " clash " I try to sleep on it and after yoga, I sit and talk with her about what happened and come up with a solution so that we do not relive the same thing, but it eats me up that I am not the kind of person I wish I were, especially towards my lovie. Calm, even tempered, cool headed, fun, easy going...which in turn translates into a solid loving rock. Instead, I am this jumpy, shaky emotional mass that is...well, kind of like the sun. A ball of fire that burns and caused pain! Thank you for taking the time to write, I really have to figure out what I am doing or not doing -- it helps to talk it out M > > Key for me is the idea that I don't argue with children. We are not on equal footing, and it's disrespectful for a child to argue with an adult. There is a polite way to disagree with someone with greater authority, but arguing is not one of them. I think this is an important boundary of behavior to teach and enforce--being able to show appropriate respect is a life skill. > > I think sometimes as KOs we have difficulty because we don't understand what our rights are--such as being treated with respect--or know how to assert them when they are violated. We may also not know how to respectfully disagree with someone ourselves, because that hasn't been our experience of disagreement, and that makes it hard to teach. > > I do wonder if by allowing your 4-year-old to argue with you makes her unsure who is in charge. It sounds like it's repeated power struggles that are getting to you. Every time she pushes you to the point of explosion, she's showing she's in charge instead of you, but that's not really what a 4-year-old wants. She wants an adult who can firmly set boundaries and limit her behavior to what is appropriate, safe, and will create warm relationships with others. > > I don't have kids, but I'm a teacher and that's one of my boundaries for myself in the classroom: I don't argue with students. I have, on occasion, simply told a difficult student, " You don't argue with adults. " At others, I have suggested ways of having a respectful conversation about differences of opinion with someone in authority. > > It's also important to give opportunities for kids to have an appropriate voice in family choices that affect them--like whether to peas or carrots at dinner, what of 3 acceptable films to see on the weekend, or which of a few age-appropriate chores they'd like to do that week. > > Whenever I try something new in the classroom, I always ask the kids to rate it. If they don't like it, I don't do it again. I can actually tell what they like and don't like by their behavior during it, but asking themselves makes them feel heard and important. Since it's not just your child, this of course needs to be taken into account. Also, I find giving no more than 4 choices to older kids the maximum number that's reasonable for them and not just confusing. With younger children, I would probably give only 2. > > I don't know if it works with your own kids or not, but one approach that generally works well in the classroom for arguers is just to look at the child until they are finished. When they can't draw you into an argument, they usually wind down on their own. > > Good luck! I know parenting can't be easy! > > Ashana > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 26, 2012 Report Share Posted July 26, 2012 Hi Lesley It really helps me to hear that all is not in my head and that I am walking a rough path. At times I get so mad at myself for not " sucking it up " and " getting over things " , I guess that time has passed and now that I am over the hill (a little 40+ year old humor there, *coughs*), I seem to have lost my " shock absorbers " and each bump puts a dent in my soul. Yes, I have become a hermit. Odd since I *love(d)* socializing and crave to be with people...you know living life to its fullest and all. It must be luck or me, but I tend to end up running into " loopy " people that burn me and I pull away. It makes me feel like I am crazy, like my BPD Father, overly sensitive, over analyzing yada yada. Your post *really* made me think today and I am yet to answer my own question. Why am I not able to draw a healthy line when I meet new (prospective new friends) people? I tend to be an open book and all heart. It is all good and dandy to be that way *when* and *if* you feel confident that the person you are becoming friends with is balanced, but I seem not to wait enough. I go with faith and open up, offer help etc. etc. -- get a nice kick in the rear end and then head on back to my hermit land. Not sure what this means yet and why I do what I do, but I am going to observe myself to find out. I know why I do most things, just not this behavior, which ends up blowing up in my face + turns me into a hermit. I took your advice, thank you for the gentle push I read your post right before I feel a sleep last night. It really spoke to me, so thank you! I woke up and after yoga, called the Trauma Center in the city (I had contacted them a month ago, but kind of left it to simmer) to touch base to see if I could find someone, then I called for a play-date for my girl. The parents called about a month ago to meet with us, but I never returned their call -- the little girl's Dad is a very cool guy, but the Mom seemed very nervous/uncomfortable/spacey and I just do not have the heart to deal with " weirdness " . But after reading your post, I said, what the hey... You should know, at the play ground, we ran into another parent and she seemed to voice the same concerns. Being isolated, being hermit like, world being taken over by strange people (she is a counselor) -- she seemed quite nice, so I took a leep of faith (here I go again!) and offered to exchange numbers and she was very happy about it. It was very difficult, but it felt good Then I got a call from a lovely customer (turned friend) and we spoke for an hour...again about similar issues, hermit-hood, hurtful people, putting yourself out there too much for others. So we made a promise to stay in contact more often. She asked me why I put myself out there (too much) as she does the same and gets trampled over. *light bulb* moment -- I could not answer it, but for the first time it made me realize the behavior pattern. Boundary issues? All or nothing? Any thoughts on this? Anyhow, thank you for the push -- I had a lovely day. I am uber exhausted -- to an extend where I cannot even speak (it is emotionally exhausting to be " on " all the time + absorb others feelings/emotions), but I feel stronger. Thank you, yes, sugar affects me very strongly and it has the same affect on my lovely " apple " :-) We do not do juices or soda, but I have to probably be better at cutting down on the some foods that trigger zippiness (including fruits=natural sugars). I am sending you a cyber hug -- just bought the Kindle Fire (lol, no worries I have been eye balling it for awhile) and the first book I download will be the When Things Fall Apart. It sounds like right up my alley as I tell myself something similar about pieces falling into its place. Thank youuuu! This place...is so soothing. You all are so amazing. Thank you for this! M <3 > > Hi Moon - Wow! You do have a full plate of challenges! Way more than your first post lead on. I am so sorry that the universe seems to be piling it on so heavily for you right now. You must feel as though the weight of the world is upon you. I am so sorry! > > One consistent trait (or big flea) that I am reading on here and that I have, is self isolation, which, if you recognize you have a tendency to do, can really make these times way more difficult than necessary. I have to constantly remind myself to reach out when feeling overwhelmed. It goes against my nature completely because, as KO's I think we tend to internalize everything and think that we are pretty much alone with the weirdness. No one could ever understand, and to even start to explain it to anyone makes us feel like freaks so why bother. > BUT - if you can, try to reach out even for a couple of days/evenings a week - to get some alone time, or exchange a playdate - having a few hours with a buddy for your daughter to play with at the end of the day (to help tucker her out)- at your house then at their house - I know you said you had some serious and certainly justifiable trust issues but perhaps maybe you/she made a friend during those 40 days at the new school? Trade houses for the playdate location a couple of days a week until Sept? I don't know, just grasping for ideas. Sometimes offering to first have the playdates at your house helps one feel more in control and to get to know the parent really well before then moving it to their house??? Also the people at the school probably know all of the parents pretty well and could confirm the safety of whomever you might choose? I know my twins made me absolutely nuts at that age...which, I'm sure, is why pre-school was invented. This nutty age where the parent is just not enough of a challenge for them...but too young for Kindergarten. > > Maybe re: bedtime challenges...also concentrate on what she is being fed later in the day - I know my sister n law used to feed her little ones chocolate milk in the sippy cup at bed time and wonder why they wouldn't go to sleep - whaaaatttt??? Not that you'd do that but sometimes...depending on her chemistry, food is processed differently for each kid....there might be something online about good evening food so as not to stir up the energy too much. > > You had mentioned that you are a yoga minded person, which if so, perhaps you might find some solace in the works of Pema Chodron? Have you read any of her books? There's one that has been invaluable to me during times of crisis...and really all the time - " When Things Fall Apart " . It talks about when one perceives the world as falling apart...it's basically falling into place but not how you pictured it ...but it's hard to recognize this when your in the soup. This helped me with the basic understanding of trying not to lump all the challenges into the " all bad " category - separating each thing as it comes - and tackling each issue when you can. It's all about perception - and as KO's our perception of the world can be way skewed. This book really helped put some things in perspective for me, and had some great methods of calming the monkey mind (what buddhists call the mind that is jumping from thought to thought to thought constantly) to put into practice. Especially when you are also, along with your spirited girly, dealing with what sounds like some upcoming tumultuous relationship challenges with your husband. This is no small issue and would be overwhelming for even the most stable person. > > Also - Try to give yourself some much deserved pats on the back for the mountains you have already climbed. You are a great mom and are doing the best you can trying to keep your daughter safe and happy. > My thoughts are with you! > Lesley > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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