what happens after the grief is over

[Guest guest]

I have the strangest problem right now. I think I am finally past the grief

associated with my dysfunctional family members and I feel kind of empty because

of it. I sort of went through a process both internally and externally with

each one of them and let them go from my heart.

The last family member I did this with was my sister and I can actually say that

I am relieved now not to have her in my life. I never thought I would feel this

way about her, but I do.

I don't actually feel much of anything about any of them any more. It is so

weird.

I have wonderful people in my present day life. I feel really known and loved.

I feel gratitude about it everyday, yet somehow it still feels like a loss

somehow to not even feel grief about my family of origin. I know this sounds

bizarre.

Has anyone else had this experience?

[Guest guest]

Yes, I think I have felt that too. When I first decided to go total No Contact

with my nada, I felt profound grief as though my mother had died physically.

Then, later, all I felt was genuine relief and a kind of indifference, and it

felt... odd.

I had earlier had to detach from a childhood friend as well, a few years before

going NC with nada, who as it turned out had npd and had always treated me

rather abusively, like my nada did. All I knew was that I could not tolerate

that sort of thing anymore and needed to get away from it, as though I'd

developed a severe allergy to bpd/npd behaviors. I felt grief at first, then

that odd sense of detachment and indifference with her also.

All I can guess is the fact that we are *aware* that we feel relief and not

hatred or revenge, just a kind of indifference, and that it feels *peculiar* to

us,... maybe that is a *form* of grieving? In any case, I do believe its

healthy.

Or, perhaps, what we are feeling is... peace. In my drama-soaked,

anxiety-riddled relationship with my nada, I never really knew what inner peace

felt like; that lack of anxiety and dread is... peace.

Just me speculating out loud. This absence of drama is starting to feel more

normal to me now; and I'm liking it.

-Annie

>

> I have the strangest problem right now. I think I am finally past the grief

associated with my dysfunctional family members and I feel kind of empty because

of it. I sort of went through a process both internally and externally with

each one of them and let them go from my heart.

>

> The last family member I did this with was my sister and I can actually say

that I am relieved now not to have her in my life. I never thought I would feel

this way about her, but I do.

>

> I don't actually feel much of anything about any of them any more. It is so

weird.

>

> I have wonderful people in my present day life. I feel really known and

loved. I feel gratitude about it everyday, yet somehow it still feels like a

loss somehow to not even feel grief about my family of origin. I know this

sounds bizarre.

>

> Has anyone else had this experience?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi HC,

I think once the drama of the dysfunction exits center stage of your life, you

start to become aware of your distance from yourself and there can be a sense of

emptiness. The dysfunction can either cause you to suppress your experience of

yourself or from developing as an autonomous individual, so once the dysfunction

is gone there is room to be aware of this. The emptiness is, I think, a lack of

a sense of self--which doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a self, but either

that the self is suppressed or not adequately defined. You also have to form a

new picture of yourself in your mind that is not in relationship to the

dysfunctional FOO. It just takes time and spending time with yourself and

learning how to feel and be just who you are.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

I agree with Ashana. To me a good analogy would be after a breakup with a

significant other sometimes you feel sort of like 1/2 a person- like something

is missing. Then after a while that goes away. After nada died and I went NC

with the rest of FOO I have really felt a what I thought was strange

indifference. I thought I would feel grief but I don't. No anger, no grief, no

anxiety (about nada being gone, I still have PLENTY of anxiety and fleas). I

thought this was odd but now I realize just as Annie said above, it's probably

peace.

A sort of loneliness I do feel. But I'm starting to think that might be a little

fear based.

Every day I say thank you and am grateful to have been set free from nada's

chains.

>

> Hi HC,

>

> I think once the drama of the dysfunction exits center stage of your life, you

start to become aware of your distance from yourself and there can be a sense of

emptiness. The dysfunction can either cause you to suppress your experience of

yourself or from developing as an autonomous individual, so once the dysfunction

is gone there is room to be aware of this. The emptiness is, I think, a lack of

a sense of self--which doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a self, but either

that the self is suppressed or not adequately defined. You also have to form a

new picture of yourself in your mind that is not in relationship to the

dysfunctional FOO. It just takes time and spending time with yourself and

learning how to feel and be just who you are.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

[Guest guest]

What I am experiencing is something like a feeling of a void. I tend to be a

pretty intense character and grief is a pretty intense feeling. I don't have

the grief anymore, but I feel like I need something to fill the void, or at

least I think I do. It is weird.

I wish I could will it away but I can't so far.

> >

> > Hi HC,

> >

> > I think once the drama of the dysfunction exits center stage of your life,

you start to become aware of your distance from yourself and there can be a

sense of emptiness. The dysfunction can either cause you to suppress your

experience of yourself or from developing as an autonomous individual, so once

the dysfunction is gone there is room to be aware of this. The emptiness is, I

think, a lack of a sense of self--which doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a

self, but either that the self is suppressed or not adequately defined. You

also have to form a new picture of yourself in your mind that is not in

relationship to the dysfunctional FOO. It just takes time and spending time

with yourself and learning how to feel and be just who you are.

> >

> > Take care,

> > Ashana

> >

>

[Guest guest]

HC,

I think it's possible that what you need to fill that void is you. Often,

having a bpd parent keeps us so preoccupied that we don't have time to fully

develop a sense of self, or we become so caught up in the drama that it starts

to feel like the drama is a part of ourselves. Without it, we can feel a little

diminished or lost. Also, our bpd parents can also be so intrusive that we

never develop a clear sense of who we are as a unique person, separate from

others. It can feel like " there is no there there. "

When the calm sets in, we also need to renegotiate our sense of who we our

without a relationship so intense it has defined our lives. (Who are we if we

aren't our mother's/father's child?) Sometimes the absence is the full range of

feelings--including subtle and complex ones--because we've suppressed them to

avoid pain or to keep the peace. Heartache and rage may have gotten through the

psychic numbing, but not curiosity or joy. It can take practice to go from a

habit of suppressing an awareness of self to a habit of noticing the self.

You could try spending more time just noticing how you feel and how you respond

to things, as well as considering what it is that you like and believe, and see

if that helps. I don't expect there's a quick fix, although everyone's

experience is different. In general, I find it helps me just to notice

feelings--including the feeling of numbness--instead of trying to forestall or

avoid them. Bpds tend to teach their children to either act on feelings or numb

them. Just living with feelings isn't an option for them.

Are you seeing a therapist?

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

" Just living with feelings isn't an option for them. " This really struck chord

for me. I'm pretty sure my T has said something similar but I don't think I

really got it until I read this post. I am always trying to apologize for who I

am and how I feel, and I have a hard time making minor decisions (I'm talking

extremely minor here- I had a hard time picking out a color my for dtr's

pacifier. My best friend thought I was insane). When I think about it, I think I

have a hard time accepting my feelings because nada never allowed that to be OK.

And since that wasn't ok, I think I really do not KNOW who I am, or I am not

comfortable with myself. I always wished I could be comfortable in my own skin

and feel, " This is who I am. I would love it if you like me but I don't really

care if you do, because I am OK with me. "

>

> HC,

>

> I think it's possible that what you need to fill that void is you. Often,

having a bpd parent keeps us so preoccupied that we don't have time to fully

develop a sense of self, or we become so caught up in the drama that it starts

to feel like the drama is a part of ourselves. Without it, we can feel a little

diminished or lost. Also, our bpd parents can also be so intrusive that we

never develop a clear sense of who we are as a unique person, separate from

others. It can feel like " there is no there there. "

>

> When the calm sets in, we also need to renegotiate our sense of who we our

without a relationship so intense it has defined our lives. (Who are we if we

aren't our mother's/father's child?) Sometimes the absence is the full range of

feelings--including subtle and complex ones--because we've suppressed them to

avoid pain or to keep the peace. Heartache and rage may have gotten through the

psychic numbing, but not curiosity or joy. It can take practice to go from a

habit of suppressing an awareness of self to a habit of noticing the self.

>

> You could try spending more time just noticing how you feel and how you

respond to things, as well as considering what it is that you like and believe,

and see if that helps. I don't expect there's a quick fix, although everyone's

experience is different. In general, I find it helps me just to notice

feelings--including the feeling of numbness--instead of trying to forestall or

avoid them. Bpds tend to teach their children to either act on feelings or numb

them. Just living with feelings isn't an option for them.

>

> Are you seeing a therapist?

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Ashana,

This is really wise and makes a tonne of sense to me. I really appreciate the

simplicity of it.

I think you are right, though in my case it is not being preoccupied with my bpd

parent anymore, it is the habit of feeling insecure and preoccupied (a hang over

from dealing with my nada) by the need to resolve, protect and repair

relationships with various other people, the last one being my sister.

I've given up with those people at this point, but the habit of feeling insecure

and preoccupied is still there. I like your suggestion to just notice it. More

curiosity and joy sure sound like a good alternative.

I have this other weird twist which is that it turns out that I have ADD, so it

is really hard for me to refocus my mind and attention at will.

I'm not seeing a therapist now, but I did for many, many years. Once I finally

found the right person, it helped hugely with all the grief and trauma.

I intend to start seeing her again but more as a coach to keep me on track owing

to my silly distract-able brain.

We human beings and our brains are so complicated. Thank you for your response,

it really helped put things in focus for me.

HC

>

> HC,

>

> I think it's possible that what you need to fill that void is you. Often,

having a bpd parent keeps us so preoccupied that we don't have time to fully

develop a sense of self, or we become so caught up in the drama that it starts

to feel like the drama is a part of ourselves. Without it, we can feel a little

diminished or lost. Also, our bpd parents can also be so intrusive that we

never develop a clear sense of who we are as a unique person, separate from

others. It can feel like " there is no there there. "

>

> When the calm sets in, we also need to renegotiate our sense of who we our

without a relationship so intense it has defined our lives. (Who are we if we

aren't our mother's/father's child?) Sometimes the absence is the full range of

feelings--including subtle and complex ones--because we've suppressed them to

avoid pain or to keep the peace. Heartache and rage may have gotten through the

psychic numbing, but not curiosity or joy. It can take practice to go from a

habit of suppressing an awareness of self to a habit of noticing the self.

>

> You could try spending more time just noticing how you feel and how you

respond to things, as well as considering what it is that you like and believe,

and see if that helps. I don't expect there's a quick fix, although everyone's

experience is different. In general, I find it helps me just to notice

feelings--including the feeling of numbness--instead of trying to forestall or

avoid them. Bpds tend to teach their children to either act on feelings or numb

them. Just living with feelings isn't an option for them.

>

> Are you seeing a therapist?

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>