Re: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

[Guest guest]

I think it's most definitely a possibility. I know absolutely nothing about

age-related memory loss, but I have a lot of experience with manipulative

helplessness. I guess one tack is to see if she's just as forgetful after you

return from TN.

Also, you can take a similar approach you would with manipulative suicide

attempts: take steps that would keep your bpd parent safe, but don't rescue.

So, encourage her to talk it over with her doctor, and start discussing assisted

living with her. You could discuss POA as well, in case she becomes unable to

make her own health decisions soon. The more seriously you communicate your

interest in taking these protective steps, the more scared she's likely to get.

You might even consult a lawyer yourself regarding POA to see what you need to

do.

You could also start discussing with her what kind of " home " she'd like to be in

when the time comes and what arrangements she's been able to make for this to

happen. (Is the money there? Do they have a waitlist? Are they set-up for

residents with dementia?).

Above all, stress that you want her to be safe and well-looked after no matter

how things play out--you could throw in that you also respect her desire to want

to remain independent and know she's used to being in her own place and having

things the way she likes it.

If she's faking it, she'll be able to make it go away when she's sufficiently

scared. If she isn't, she won't have any control and it will continue

happening.

I absolutely think someone with bpd would and could fake memory loss for the

sole purpose of drumming up drama and getting attention.

Best of luck,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Thanks Ashana, I felt like a horrible daughter even thinking she would cook this

up, but the more I thought about it, I felt like I needed an objective opinion.

I like the idea of acting like I'm taking it very seriously. If that's what

she's doing, she'll stop because she has made mention on many occasions she

never wants to live in a nursing home. There are no funds available for

assisted living situations. I'm already working overtime just to pay her rent in

a regular apartment. I surely can't make a $3,000 a month payment to a place

like that!

Thanks again!!

>

> I think it's most definitely a possibility. I know absolutely nothing about

age-related memory loss, but I have a lot of experience with manipulative

helplessness. I guess one tack is to see if she's just as forgetful after you

return from TN.

>

> Also, you can take a similar approach you would with manipulative suicide

attempts: take steps that would keep your bpd parent safe, but don't rescue.

So, encourage her to talk it over with her doctor, and start discussing assisted

living with her. You could discuss POA as well, in case she becomes unable to

make her own health decisions soon. The more seriously you communicate your

interest in taking these protective steps, the more scared she's likely to get.

You might even consult a lawyer yourself regarding POA to see what you need to

do.

>

> You could also start discussing with her what kind of " home " she'd like to be

in when the time comes and what arrangements she's been able to make for this to

happen. (Is the money there? Do they have a waitlist? Are they set-up for

residents with dementia?).

>

> Above all, stress that you want her to be safe and well-looked after no matter

how things play out--you could throw in that you also respect her desire to want

to remain independent and know she's used to being in her own place and having

things the way she likes it.

>

> If she's faking it, she'll be able to make it go away when she's sufficiently

scared. If she isn't, she won't have any control and it will continue

happening.

>

> I absolutely think someone with bpd would and could fake memory loss for the

sole purpose of drumming up drama and getting attention.

>

> Best of luck,

> Ashana

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you are experiencing the stress of not knowing if your mother is

really developing memory loss, or if she's just faking it to gain attention and

sympathy. My nada developed senile dementia, and one of her early symptoms was

increasing memory loss. However, the course of any chronic condition is

individual. Memory loss doesn't automatically mean a decline into senile

dementia.

Bottom line, its going to take a psychiatrist conducting both physical and

psychological tests to figure out the source of your mother's short term memory

loss, and if its genuine or not. Psychiatrists are medical doctors that also

have a doctorate in psychology, so they are the ones who have the training to

figure out whether a symptom like memory loss is coming from a physical

condition like dementia or a stroke, or something like a bad drug interaction,

or from an emotional cause like depression... or whatever!

So, my best wishes to you as you tackle this problem with your bpd mother. Its

not going to be easy if she is in the early stages of dementia; I hope that

isn't the case. Hold firm with your boundary, though. You can supervise your

mother's care without becoming her care-giver yourself and without her moving in

with you.

-Annie

>

> Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

>

> Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was

getting mad at me each time I reminded her something wasn't new, or where her

prescription was, or that we were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we

all know you can't reason with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with

her primary care dr because it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes

meds. She said she wanted to talk to the dr about all this stuff she's

forgetting, and I agreed with her. Then she said " she hates living alone. She

really feels like she should have somebody with her to make sure she's doing

everything she should. "

>

> So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

>

> My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

>

> HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

>

> Thanks!!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Annie. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, she hasn't been

diagnosed and I wondered how, if possible, I could ever get her to a

psychiatrist because we all know they all think nothing is wrong with them! BUT

she is stating she wants to be tested for like Alzheimers...so maybe I need to

be looking at this as a way to finally get her evaluated properly for the memory

loss as well as BPD. But getting her to a dr that she will trust I'm sure will

be a major feat...but if she is just trying to get attention, like Ashana said,

this suggested course of action should scare her right out of her " memory loss " !

Thanks again!!

> >

> > Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't

been diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

> >

> > Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was

getting mad at me each time I reminded her something wasn't new, or where her

prescription was, or that we were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we

all know you can't reason with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with

her primary care dr because it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes

meds. She said she wanted to talk to the dr about all this stuff she's

forgetting, and I agreed with her. Then she said " she hates living alone. She

really feels like she should have somebody with her to make sure she's doing

everything she should. "

> >

> > So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

> >

> > My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

> >

> > HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

> >

> > Thanks!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My nada started with dementia and went full blown Alzheimers. She spent

her entire life depressed. An eval for dementia/Alzheimers is important; at

least you'll know what you're dealing with. L

In a message dated 7/25/2012 5:26:36 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

jtadcock@... writes:

Thank you Annie. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, she hasn't been

diagnosed and I wondered how, if possible, I could ever get her to a

psychiatrist because we all know they all think nothing is wrong with them! BUT

she is stating she wants to be tested for like Alzheimers...so maybe I

need to be looking at this as a way to finally get her evaluated properly for

the memory loss as well as BPD. But getting her to a dr that she will trust

I'm sure will be a major feat...but if she is just trying to get attention,

like Ashana said, this suggested course of action should scare her right

out of her " memory loss " !

Thanks again!!

> >

> > Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom

hasn't been diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this

discovery within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to

her, which is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that

I'm treating her different??

> >

> > Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her,

but they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken

notice of. Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten

much worse. This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are

going to TN to see our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish

" I want to go. Why can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On

and on... This week she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in

her pill divider box, presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember

doing it. Then all in one four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit

downtown, several buildings we passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An

entire highway " Well now I know that's new. " No mom, it's been there at

least 20 years. She asked me three times after we left the drs office " Now

where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each time I reminded her that it was sent

over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I reminded

her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we were

going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason with

them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she

wanted to talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed

with her. Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she

should have somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

> >

> > So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in

my house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

> >

> > My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it

took me 46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So

obviously my judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of

dementia or medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain

of a BPD?

> >

> > HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

> >

> > Thanks!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One of the terrible parts of being a KO is that nothing is TOO much for

nada to do to manipulate us with FOG. We , in turn, being more or less

normal human beings, feel guilt at our own feelings and suspicions of

our " own MOTHER " ( its always all caps with Nada).

So in that way, Nada s FOG is working even when it is not. You did not

say your mom s age, but senile dementia is a possiblity. Also,

psychosis can occur in BPs, particularly later in life. Is it possible,

sure. Are you being cynical? Wrong question. Is your cynicism at an

appropriate level for the Kid Of a Nada would be the better one.

In my own Nada s case, as she aged her health and mental status decline

from neglect, long term misuse of her medications , and refusal to

follow my suggestions, or Dr s , to exercise, get out of the house ( she

was a waif/hermit), or socialize with other people. She made multiple

trips to the ER to get drugs, and was, in fact, in a psychotic break,

and mad at me, when she died.

I lived with the anticipatory guilt that one day she would go to the ER,

and it would be the day she died, and I d be thinking, damn , she s

trying to get Lortab again. Then I d feel guilty. Sort of like the

gravestone that reads " See, I told you I was sick. "

That IS how the final days of her life played out, and I did and do

struggle with the guilt. But you know what? It was not my doing, it was

hers.

The same can be said of your cynicism with your Nada.

Be gentle with yourself.

Doug

>

> Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom

hasn't been diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made

this discovery within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my

reactions to her, which is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's

picking up that I'm treating her different??

>

> Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her,

but they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken

notice of. Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have

gotten much worse. This coming around the time I told her my husband and

I are going to TN to see our son this weekend. She goes through her

usual childish " I want to go. Why can't I go? I don't like it when you

go out of town. " On and on... This week she has pulled a stunt like

pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box, presumably while

sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one four hour

visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now

I know that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked

me three times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta

prescription? " Each time I reminded her that it was sent over e-scripts

to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I reminded her

something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we were

going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr

because it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She

said she wanted to talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting,

and I agreed with her. Then she said " she hates living alone. She really

feels like she should have somebody with her to make sure she's doing

everything she should. "

>

> So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live

in my house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

>

> My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it

took me 46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So

obviously my judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset

of dementia or medically induced short term memory loss OR the

underlying brain of a BPD?

>

> HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

>

> Thanks!!

>

[Guest guest]

Dealing with a nada who actually has dementia now (that started due to drug

overdoses from a suicide attempt and falls and subsequent anesthesia) and was a

big ol' faker for years, I couldn't have said it better, Doug. Perfect.

You know what I think? There are no right and no wrong answers when dealing with

people with borderline personality disorder.

>

> One of the terrible parts of being a KO is that nothing is TOO much for

> nada to do to manipulate us with FOG. We , in turn, being more or less

> normal human beings, feel guilt at our own feelings and suspicions of

> our " own MOTHER " ( its always all caps with Nada).

>

> So in that way, Nada s FOG is working even when it is not. You did not

> say your mom s age, but senile dementia is a possiblity. Also,

> psychosis can occur in BPs, particularly later in life. Is it possible,

> sure. Are you being cynical? Wrong question. Is your cynicism at an

> appropriate level for the Kid Of a Nada would be the better one.

>

> In my own Nada s case, as she aged her health and mental status decline

> from neglect, long term misuse of her medications , and refusal to

> follow my suggestions, or Dr s , to exercise, get out of the house ( she

> was a waif/hermit), or socialize with other people. She made multiple

> trips to the ER to get drugs, and was, in fact, in a psychotic break,

> and mad at me, when she died.

>

> I lived with the anticipatory guilt that one day she would go to the ER,

> and it would be the day she died, and I d be thinking, damn , she s

> trying to get Lortab again. Then I d feel guilty. Sort of like the

> gravestone that reads " See, I told you I was sick. "

>

> That IS how the final days of her life played out, and I did and do

> struggle with the guilt. But you know what? It was not my doing, it was

> hers.

>

> The same can be said of your cynicism with your Nada.

>

> Be gentle with yourself.

>

> Doug

> -

>

>

[Guest guest]

My nada " cried wolf " daily, my entire life. So I completely understand

being confused as to what you are seeing right now. After running to her

rescue for 50 yrs., then learning about BPD, I stopped jumping at her

command. Turns out, by then she really was ill, with dementia, alzheimers,

and

many other illnesses, but I had to " turn her loose " so to speak. Fada

took over her care (basically he let her rot in bed), and I'd help her bathe

(which was a total nightmare), but after reading " Boundaries " , I was able

to let go, not get hurt by her mouth and just simply deal with only what I

had to deal with. L

In a message dated 7/25/2012 12:58:39 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

darkalleye@... writes:

Dealing with a nada who actually has dementia now (that started due to drug

overdoses from a suicide attempt and falls and subsequent anesthesia) and

was a big ol' faker for years, I couldn't have said it better, Doug.

Perfect.

You know what I think? There are no right and no wrong answers when

dealing with people with borderline personality disorder.

>

> One of the terrible parts of being a KO is that nothing is TOO much for

> nada to do to manipulate us with FOG. We , in turn, being more or less

> normal human beings, feel guilt at our own feelings and suspicions of

> our " own MOTHER " ( its always all caps with Nada).

>

> So in that way, Nada s FOG is working even when it is not. You did not

> say your mom s age, but senile dementia is a possiblity. Also,

> psychosis can occur in BPs, particularly later in life. Is it possible,

> sure. Are you being cynical? Wrong question. Is your cynicism at an

> appropriate level for the Kid Of a Nada would be the better one.

>

> In my own Nada s case, as she aged her health and mental status decline

> from neglect, long term misuse of her medications , and refusal to

> follow my suggestions, or Dr s , to exercise, get out of the house ( she

> was a waif/hermit), or socialize with other people. She made multiple

> trips to the ER to get drugs, and was, in fact, in a psychotic break,

> and mad at me, when she died.

>

> I lived with the anticipatory guilt that one day she would go to the ER,

> and it would be the day she died, and I d be thinking, damn , she s

> trying to get Lortab again. Then I d feel guilty. Sort of like the

> gravestone that reads " See, I told you I was sick. "

>

> That IS how the final days of her life played out, and I did and do

> struggle with the guilt. But you know what? It was not my doing, it was

> hers.

>

> The same can be said of your cynicism with your Nada.

>

> Be gentle with yourself.

>

> Doug

> -

>

>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

I honestly don't know how I have survived all of this without people like you

all to talk to! Doug, I realized never mentioned how old my NADA is -- she's

only 67! But she's been on LOTS of medications for over 10 years - oxycontin,

antidepressants, flexoril, valium...so she really doesn't have to get the trips

to the ER for a drug fix because she gets them through legal channels, which I'm

sure will come to a screeching halt once all this comes to light with her

doctors. I dealt for MANY YEARS with my brother who was manic depressive and

addicted to prescription drugs as well, I suffered through so much with him that

I guess I never saw my mom in the same light. I'm having so many " ah ha " moments

lately it's scary. I've been such an enabler for them both (but my brother

passed away, suicide, in 2000). I finally got smart with my brother the last

couple of years of his life that I quit living in all his chaos and threats and

guilt-ridden communications.

Wow, you all give me so much to think about.

She's got an appt with her primary care dr on Tuesday. I'm anxious to see what

course of action her dr comes up with for her.

Thanks to all of you so much for giving me support and strength to remain

strong. I am in the middle of reading Boundaries, which got put on the back

burner when I discovered BPD and I read a couple of those specific books. But

now I'll get back to Boundaries.

Thanks again!!

>

> >

> > One of the terrible parts of being a KO is that nothing is TOO much for

> > nada to do to manipulate us with FOG. We , in turn, being more or less

> > normal human beings, feel guilt at our own feelings and suspicions of

> > our " own MOTHER " ( its always all caps with Nada).

> >

> > So in that way, Nada s FOG is working even when it is not. You did not

> > say your mom s age, but senile dementia is a possiblity. Also,

> > psychosis can occur in BPs, particularly later in life. Is it possible,

> > sure. Are you being cynical? Wrong question. Is your cynicism at an

> > appropriate level for the Kid Of a Nada would be the better one.

> >

> > In my own Nada s case, as she aged her health and mental status decline

> > from neglect, long term misuse of her medications , and refusal to

> > follow my suggestions, or Dr s , to exercise, get out of the house ( she

> > was a waif/hermit), or socialize with other people. She made multiple

> > trips to the ER to get drugs, and was, in fact, in a psychotic break,

> > and mad at me, when she died.

> >

> > I lived with the anticipatory guilt that one day she would go to the ER,

> > and it would be the day she died, and I d be thinking, damn , she s

> > trying to get Lortab again. Then I d feel guilty. Sort of like the

> > gravestone that reads " See, I told you I was sick. "

> >

> > That IS how the final days of her life played out, and I did and do

> > struggle with the guilt. But you know what? It was not my doing, it was

> > hers.

> >

> > The same can be said of your cynicism with your Nada.

> >

> > Be gentle with yourself.

> >

> > Doug

> > -

> >

> >

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The part about the story of the boy who cried wolf is that eventually the wolf

does come, but everyone is so fed up with his drama by then that no one comes to

save him. We seem to remember that the wolf eventually comes, but forget that

the story never ends with the boy getting saved. It always ends with people who

are fed up.

[Guest guest]

Remember, we don t deal in a " pure " world. In my case, nada was a BP,

certainly, but also a drug addict, hypochondriac, exteme hoarder,

relationship addict, terribly financially irresponsible. How can I deal

with ALL these things and get her to make healthy life choices.

FOG TRAP. FOG ALERT.

And the answer is, of course, I can t. I could not rather, when she was

living. However, for years she Fogged me into her circle by flaunting

all these things in my face, then as adamantly stubborn as any other 3

year old, refusing help, advice, or counsel.

Mom, let me come with to the Dr and hear what he has to tell you. Give

him permission to talk to me so I know what s going on.

Answer. I ll think about it. I have to fill out a form. He was too busy

to discuss it. Translation: I m not about to let you threaten my drug

source.

I could give you examples in each area, but you get the picture.

The bottom line is, she was a grown adult. Now don t choke and spit out

your coffee. They ARE. Legally at least, BPD s are adults. Never mind

the fact that they engage in destructive behaviors and life styles and

have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. If they are not a direct

danger to self or others, the legal and mental health system will NOT

intervene. If they do, it will be for very short terms, usually 24

hours, sometimes as much as a week.

No one is going to step in and say now Mildred, you must stop doing

these foolish things.

And niether can YOU. So what can you, and we , do? We can set

boundaries. Mom, since some of the things you are telling me your Dr

says are OK make no sense to me, ( translation, I don t believe you),

and you won t permit me to be involved like a son and speak to your Dr,

I won t be involved at all. I don t want to hear about your ailments,

and I won t come to the hospital. These conditions stand unless you

permit me to hear from your Dr what he tells you and to speak to him

about my concerns for your health.

Mom, since you refuse to let me know about your finances, and help you

manage them, or take any of my advice, and since I know you are spending

over 300 bucks a month to take long distance calls from guys in prison

and refuse to stop ( no, I m not making that up) I refuse to discuss

your finances. I won t give you money, or pay a bill. I won t bail you

out of the messes you are creating when you refuse my advice and

assistance. If you have no food, you can come to my house and eat, but

no money at all, unless you change the conditions.

Boundaries. Consequences. And enough balls to enforce them. Oh, it is

tough. Trust me. She never did let me in on her finances, or with her

Dr. , or with any other boundaries I set. When she died I had a load of

guilt about what I had done, even though I think it was right. The FOG

of a lifetime is pervasive. But it is at least guilt about what I

decided and did, not guilt thrown at me by Nada for simply living and

not fulfilling all her needs and expectations.

If I m gonna have guilt anyway, then I ll take it this way. I did

nothing unreasonable. The guilt comes from not living the way Leave it

to Beaver s family would have when the Beaver was grown. But then, June

Cleaver was not a BPD.

Doug

>

> I honestly don't know how I have survived all of this without people

like you all to talk to! Doug, I realized never mentioned how old my

NADA is -- she's only 67! But she's been on LOTS of medications for over

10 years - oxycontin, antidepressants, flexoril, valium...so she really

doesn't have to get the trips to the ER for a drug fix because she gets

them through legal channels, which I'm sure will come to a screeching

halt once all this comes to light with her doctors. I dealt for MANY

YEARS with my brother who was manic depressive and addicted to

prescription drugs as well, I suffered through so much with him that I

guess I never saw my mom in the same light. I'm having so many " ah ha "

moments lately it's scary. I've been such an enabler for them both (but

my brother passed away, suicide, in 2000). I finally got smart with my

brother the last couple of years of his life that I quit living in all

his chaos and threats and guilt-ridden communications.

>

> Wow, you all give me so much to think about.

>

> She's got an appt with her primary care dr on Tuesday. I'm anxious to

see what course of action her dr comes up with for her.

>

> Thanks to all of you so much for giving me support and strength to

remain strong. I am in the middle of reading Boundaries, which got put

on the back burner when I discovered BPD and I read a couple of those

specific books. But now I'll get back to Boundaries.

>

> Thanks again!!

>

>>

[Guest guest]

Doug, It's amazing to me about the financial piece of this. My mom spent her

entire life " overspending " on frivolous things that she had no business buying

like $300 TINY tubes of eye wrinkle cream! By the time I grew up I thought it

was normal to spend a day running up your credit cards! I was out on my own at

21 so luckily I learned early on that wasn't going to work for me!

And to this day, she's 67, has severe scoliosis, very rarely leaves her

apartment and still talks about wanting to buy some eye wrinkle cream...REALLY?

I'm paying for your rent, so NO, you don't get eye wrinkle cream! If I don't

get it, YOU don't get it!!

Now one thing I can say about my Nada is she does want me to go in to her doctor

appointments to hear what they have to say -- however, if she had one clue about

what I've figured out, she would stop that. Up to this point, I've supported her

and backed her up. Pretty much no dr can find anything beyond her obvious back

problems. Although according to her, she's got one foot in the grave! If I

start coughing or I tell her Jake is sick (my son, her grandson:) she doesn't

say " Oh, I hope you feel better, " " Oh, I'm so sorry Jake is sick. I hope it

goes away soon. " She says " OH NO! Don't let me get sick! Oh PLEASE don't let

me get sick! I can't get sick. I'll end up in the hospital! " EVERY TIME! Oh

the drama of it all...EXHAUSTING! Like you said, the maturity of a 3 year old

-- it's all about her!

I'm just as mad at myself for being an enabler...

> >

> > I honestly don't know how I have survived all of this without people

> like you all to talk to! Doug, I realized never mentioned how old my

> NADA is -- she's only 67! But she's been on LOTS of medications for over

> 10 years - oxycontin, antidepressants, flexoril, valium...so she really

> doesn't have to get the trips to the ER for a drug fix because she gets

> them through legal channels, which I'm sure will come to a screeching

> halt once all this comes to light with her doctors. I dealt for MANY

> YEARS with my brother who was manic depressive and addicted to

> prescription drugs as well, I suffered through so much with him that I

> guess I never saw my mom in the same light. I'm having so many " ah ha "

> moments lately it's scary. I've been such an enabler for them both (but

> my brother passed away, suicide, in 2000). I finally got smart with my

> brother the last couple of years of his life that I quit living in all

> his chaos and threats and guilt-ridden communications.

> >

> > Wow, you all give me so much to think about.

> >

> > She's got an appt with her primary care dr on Tuesday. I'm anxious to

> see what course of action her dr comes up with for her.

> >

> > Thanks to all of you so much for giving me support and strength to

> remain strong. I am in the middle of reading Boundaries, which got put

> on the back burner when I discovered BPD and I read a couple of those

> specific books. But now I'll get back to Boundaries.

> >

> > Thanks again!!

> >

> >>

>

[Guest guest]

You are so right! And they wonder why you're no longer concerned!

>

> The part about the story of the boy who cried wolf is that eventually the wolf

does come, but everyone is so fed up with his drama by then that no one comes to

save him. We seem to remember that the wolf eventually comes, but forget that

the story never ends with the boy getting saved. It always ends with people who

are fed up.

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, I'm sorry -- I completely skipped over your comments on your guilt. Do

NOT feel guilty! I was to the same point with my brother that you were at with

your mom. It was hard to set and keep those boundaries with him, but I knew it

was the only way I could protect my family from his drug-addict ways and chaos

that goes with it. I'm sure you feel guilty because it sounds like how things

ended with your mom. But you did what you had to do to protect yourself. I'm

sorry you're feeling guilty (although sounds like you know in your head that was

the way it had to be), I know that's tough to live with. Long story short, my

mom made me believe what a horrible father I had and she was " protecting me from

him " so I really did not know him from the time they divorced when I was four

until I hit 18. I didn't understand then, but I do now. She wouldn't allow him

near us. After I decided I wanted a relationship with him, we had an AWESOME

relationship until he died two years ago. So I really only had him in my life

from the time I was 18 until 44. My guilt towards him is so different. I feel so

guilty that I allowed my mom to rob me of a beautiful father/daughter

relationship growing up, and I did not make this discovery until after he died

(cancer). I sooo wish I could share this with him. It would give him some peace

of mind about our childhood I think.

Something I had no control over. And the way your mom behaved that drove you to

handle things the way you did...something you had no control over.

Guilt is a terrible thing, especially when it's uncalled for.

So how do we rid ourselves of this?

> >

> > I honestly don't know how I have survived all of this without people

> like you all to talk to! Doug, I realized never mentioned how old my

> NADA is -- she's only 67! But she's been on LOTS of medications for over

> 10 years - oxycontin, antidepressants, flexoril, valium...so she really

> doesn't have to get the trips to the ER for a drug fix because she gets

> them through legal channels, which I'm sure will come to a screeching

> halt once all this comes to light with her doctors. I dealt for MANY

> YEARS with my brother who was manic depressive and addicted to

> prescription drugs as well, I suffered through so much with him that I

> guess I never saw my mom in the same light. I'm having so many " ah ha "

> moments lately it's scary. I've been such an enabler for them both (but

> my brother passed away, suicide, in 2000). I finally got smart with my

> brother the last couple of years of his life that I quit living in all

> his chaos and threats and guilt-ridden communications.

> >

> > Wow, you all give me so much to think about.

> >

> > She's got an appt with her primary care dr on Tuesday. I'm anxious to

> see what course of action her dr comes up with for her.

> >

> > Thanks to all of you so much for giving me support and strength to

> remain strong. I am in the middle of reading Boundaries, which got put

> on the back burner when I discovered BPD and I read a couple of those

> specific books. But now I'll get back to Boundaries.

> >

> > Thanks again!!

> >

> >>

>

[Guest guest]

You definitely have no reason to feel guilty about that. You

were a child. Children aren't responsible for " allowing " their

parents to do things.

Getting rid of uncalled for guilt is hard. Sometimes just

hearing from others that it isn't called for can help a lot.

Accepting that you had no control over or responsibility for

what happened is probably the biggest factor in getting rid of

the guilt though. Most of us were trained to accept the idea

that things were our fault growing up. You have to untrain

yourself. Your mother was the one responsible. She was the

adult. You were the child. Unlearning the wrong things we

learned sometimes requires the help of a therapist.

At 08:34 PM 07/26/2012 jtadcock wrote:

>Doug, I'm sorry -- I completely skipped over your comments on

>your guilt. Do NOT feel guilty! I was to the same point with

>my brother that you were at with your mom. It was hard to set

>and keep those boundaries with him, but I knew it was the only

>way I could protect my family from his drug-addict ways and

>chaos that goes with it. I'm sure you feel guilty because it

>sounds like how things ended with your mom. But you did what

>you had to do to protect yourself. I'm sorry you're feeling

>guilty (although sounds like you know in your head that was the

>way it had to be), I know that's tough to live with. Long

>story short, my mom made me believe what a horrible father I

>had and she was " protecting me from him " so I really did not

>know him from the time they divorced when I was four until I

>hit 18. I didn't understand then, but I do now. She wouldn't

>allow him near us. After I decided I wanted a relationship with

>him, we had an AWESOME relationship until he died two years

>ago. So I really only had him in my life from the time I was 18

>until 44. My guilt towards him is so different. I feel so

>guilty that I allowed my mom to rob me of a beautiful

>father/daughter relationship growing up, and I did not make

>this discovery until after he died (cancer). I sooo wish I

>could share this with him. It would give him some peace of mind

>about our childhood I think.

>

>Something I had no control over. And the way your mom behaved

>that drove you to handle things the way you did...something you

>had no control over.

>

>Guilt is a terrible thing, especially when it's uncalled for.

>

>So how do we rid ourselves of this?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

You definitely have no reason to feel guilty about that. You

were a child. Children aren't responsible for " allowing " their

parents to do things.

Getting rid of uncalled for guilt is hard. Sometimes just

hearing from others that it isn't called for can help a lot.

Accepting that you had no control over or responsibility for

what happened is probably the biggest factor in getting rid of

the guilt though. Most of us were trained to accept the idea

that things were our fault growing up. You have to untrain

yourself. Your mother was the one responsible. She was the

adult. You were the child. Unlearning the wrong things we

learned sometimes requires the help of a therapist.

At 08:34 PM 07/26/2012 jtadcock wrote:

>Doug, I'm sorry -- I completely skipped over your comments on

>your guilt. Do NOT feel guilty! I was to the same point with

>my brother that you were at with your mom. It was hard to set

>and keep those boundaries with him, but I knew it was the only

>way I could protect my family from his drug-addict ways and

>chaos that goes with it. I'm sure you feel guilty because it

>sounds like how things ended with your mom. But you did what

>you had to do to protect yourself. I'm sorry you're feeling

>guilty (although sounds like you know in your head that was the

>way it had to be), I know that's tough to live with. Long

>story short, my mom made me believe what a horrible father I

>had and she was " protecting me from him " so I really did not

>know him from the time they divorced when I was four until I

>hit 18. I didn't understand then, but I do now. She wouldn't

>allow him near us. After I decided I wanted a relationship with

>him, we had an AWESOME relationship until he died two years

>ago. So I really only had him in my life from the time I was 18

>until 44. My guilt towards him is so different. I feel so

>guilty that I allowed my mom to rob me of a beautiful

>father/daughter relationship growing up, and I did not make

>this discovery until after he died (cancer). I sooo wish I

>could share this with him. It would give him some peace of mind

>about our childhood I think.

>

>Something I had no control over. And the way your mom behaved

>that drove you to handle things the way you did...something you

>had no control over.

>

>Guilt is a terrible thing, especially when it's uncalled for.

>

>So how do we rid ourselves of this?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip. But

could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other meds

or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it. 

That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility. Even if

this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as long as

she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human is being

vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few weeks,

advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

Good luck!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

 

Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it

was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I

reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she concocting

a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my house, which

CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me 46

years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

Thanks!!

[Guest guest]

It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip. But

could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other meds

or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it. 

That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility. Even if

this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as long as

she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human is being

vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few weeks,

advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

Good luck!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

 

Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it

was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I

reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she concocting

a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my house, which

CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me 46

years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

Thanks!!

[Guest guest]

Yes, unintended drug interactions can cause alarming symptoms, which is why its

important for your doctor(s) and druggist(s) know exactly what meds you are

taking before prescribing a different or additional med, and they need to know

about vitamins too, sometimes, or over-the-counter meds you may be taking. For

example, calcium blocks the effectiveness of certain antibiotics. There are

hundreds if not thousands of such interactions that can apply.

Some prescription meds have a bad interaction with even small amounts of

alcohol. My office mates and I observed our supervisor acting oddly after lunch

one day. Our supervisor could not remember where his office was, didn't

recognize some of us, and kept asking what time it was, every few minutes. We

all though he had probably had a stroke, and one of us took him over to the

nearby hospital emergency room. It turned out that he'd had two glasses of wine

at lunch; he'd forgotten that he was NOT supposed to have any alcohol while on

the particular prescription med he was taking at the time. It was scary for all

concerned, but he got better.

-Annie

>

> It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip.

But could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other

meds or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it. 

>

> That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility. Even

if this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as long

as she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human is

being vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few

weeks, advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

>

> Good luck!

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: jtadcock

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

> Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

>

>

>  

> Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

>

> Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it

> was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I

reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

>

> So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

>

> My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

>

> HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

>

> Thanks!!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, unintended drug interactions can cause alarming symptoms, which is why its

important for your doctor(s) and druggist(s) know exactly what meds you are

taking before prescribing a different or additional med, and they need to know

about vitamins too, sometimes, or over-the-counter meds you may be taking. For

example, calcium blocks the effectiveness of certain antibiotics. There are

hundreds if not thousands of such interactions that can apply.

Some prescription meds have a bad interaction with even small amounts of

alcohol. My office mates and I observed our supervisor acting oddly after lunch

one day. Our supervisor could not remember where his office was, didn't

recognize some of us, and kept asking what time it was, every few minutes. We

all though he had probably had a stroke, and one of us took him over to the

nearby hospital emergency room. It turned out that he'd had two glasses of wine

at lunch; he'd forgotten that he was NOT supposed to have any alcohol while on

the particular prescription med he was taking at the time. It was scary for all

concerned, but he got better.

-Annie

>

> It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip.

But could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other

meds or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it. 

>

> That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility. Even

if this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as long

as she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human is

being vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few

weeks, advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

>

> Good luck!

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: jtadcock

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

> Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

>

>

>  

> Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

>

> Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it

> was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I

reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

>

> So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

>

> My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

>

> HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

>

> Thanks!!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've been reading your posts and am in a similar position. Nada is going to be

84 in Sept., certainly of an age when she could be developing memory problems.

When I'm with her she acts very confused and no matter how many times I explain

something to her, she doesn't get it. In the past she has " acted " helpless in

public to get attention. Now she's doing weird things that I think are true

confusion. I won't give you a long list but they seem real enough. So I did a

sneaky phone call to her doctor's office, explained my concerns and a few of the

things I've observed. Her doctor called her in, talked about various things and

then gave her a very basic Alzheimers test. She came out, told me about it and

raved on about how wonderful she did on the test, that she still has all her

faculties. Well, I wasn't in there so I have no idea how she did.

Even if they check your nada, you may not know for sure how she's doing mentally

unless you're close to her doctor. Then there's HIPAA which protects her privacy

and unless she gives them the OK, they won't tell you anyway.

I wish you luck. It's hard being sucked into the drama. Tonight my nada called

(I'm going over there tomorrow) and she was royally ticked off that she can't

get the safe open. I've done all I could to make it easy for her but she had to

call and yell about it. Then she accused me of not opening it the last time I

was there. I said I don't remember her asking me to open it. She said, " Is there

something wrong with your hearing? " Of course it has to be my fault. All I

could think of was " Geez, you're a bitch. " She gets confused or stressed about

something and takes it out on me.

Sorry for the rant; this just happened and I'm annoyed. Push forward with having

her tested. You can stress that you're concerned about her safety. My nada wants

to talk to a psychiatrist too but only a good looking man one that she can flirt

with.

G-d, how did we get so lucky?

>

> Thank you Annie. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, she hasn't been

diagnosed and I wondered how, if possible, I could ever get her to a

psychiatrist because we all know they all think nothing is wrong with them! BUT

she is stating she wants to be tested for like Alzheimers...so maybe I need to

be looking at this as a way to finally get her evaluated properly for the memory

loss as well as BPD. But getting her to a dr that she will trust I'm sure will

be a major feat...but if she is just trying to get attention, like Ashana said,

this suggested course of action should scare her right out of her " memory loss " !

>

> Thanks again!!

>

[Guest guest]

I've been reading your posts and am in a similar position. Nada is going to be

84 in Sept., certainly of an age when she could be developing memory problems.

When I'm with her she acts very confused and no matter how many times I explain

something to her, she doesn't get it. In the past she has " acted " helpless in

public to get attention. Now she's doing weird things that I think are true

confusion. I won't give you a long list but they seem real enough. So I did a

sneaky phone call to her doctor's office, explained my concerns and a few of the

things I've observed. Her doctor called her in, talked about various things and

then gave her a very basic Alzheimers test. She came out, told me about it and

raved on about how wonderful she did on the test, that she still has all her

faculties. Well, I wasn't in there so I have no idea how she did.

Even if they check your nada, you may not know for sure how she's doing mentally

unless you're close to her doctor. Then there's HIPAA which protects her privacy

and unless she gives them the OK, they won't tell you anyway.

I wish you luck. It's hard being sucked into the drama. Tonight my nada called

(I'm going over there tomorrow) and she was royally ticked off that she can't

get the safe open. I've done all I could to make it easy for her but she had to

call and yell about it. Then she accused me of not opening it the last time I

was there. I said I don't remember her asking me to open it. She said, " Is there

something wrong with your hearing? " Of course it has to be my fault. All I

could think of was " Geez, you're a bitch. " She gets confused or stressed about

something and takes it out on me.

Sorry for the rant; this just happened and I'm annoyed. Push forward with having

her tested. You can stress that you're concerned about her safety. My nada wants

to talk to a psychiatrist too but only a good looking man one that she can flirt

with.

G-d, how did we get so lucky?

>

> Thank you Annie. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, she hasn't been

diagnosed and I wondered how, if possible, I could ever get her to a

psychiatrist because we all know they all think nothing is wrong with them! BUT

she is stating she wants to be tested for like Alzheimers...so maybe I need to

be looking at this as a way to finally get her evaluated properly for the memory

loss as well as BPD. But getting her to a dr that she will trust I'm sure will

be a major feat...but if she is just trying to get attention, like Ashana said,

this suggested course of action should scare her right out of her " memory loss " !

>

> Thanks again!!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jill...I'm actually taking her to her primary care dr tomorrow and she

says she's going to bring it up with him. The one thing about the meds is she's

been on them all for many years, and the websites I've looked at show the longer

she's been on them, the risk to the short term memory goes down. I'm talking 10

years...but now maybe only 6 for Cymbalta... need to look at that one and see if

that could be it with it being less time. Limiting my exposure to her is

extremely difficult. She can't drive herself anywhere, and other than her blind

sister and 90 year old mother, has no other relationships, which yes, I know is

not my responsibility, but me being her only child, I probably have an unhealthy

" extra " dose of feeling responsible for her. My husband wants me to start

looking at nursing homes, but she's only 67...but then again, acts more like

she's 95 because she wants the attention...I'm sure you know what I mean!!

Very much looking forward to my appt with my " t " on Wednesday!

>

> It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip.

But could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other

meds or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it. 

>

> That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility. Even

if this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as long

as she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human is

being vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few

weeks, advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

>

> Good luck!

>

>

> ________________________________

> From: jtadcock

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

> Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

>

>

>  

> Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

>

> Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it

> was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I

reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

>

> So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

>

> My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

>

> HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

>

> Thanks!!

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie, because of all the different kinds of meds she's on, she has a

pyschiatrist who's supposed to do nothing BUT keep tabs on her meds. But one of

two things could be happening: (1) he's not doing his job,which I find highly

unlikely, he is with Emory and they're pretty good in Atlanta; or (2) she

withholds info from him so he won't know the kinds of problems she's having. #2

seems more likely.

That situation with your co-worker sounds scary...not sure how I would handle

that at work!

> >

> > It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip.

But could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other

meds or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it. 

> >

> > That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility.

Even if this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as

long as she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human

is being vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few

weeks, advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

> >

> > Good luck!

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: jtadcock

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

> > Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

> >

> >

> >  

> > Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't

been diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

> >

> > Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week

she has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three

times after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each

time I reminded her that it

> > was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time

I reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

> >

> > So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

> >

> > My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

> >

> > HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

> >

> > Thanks!!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

It's quite expensive but after my father died, I moved my 62 year old nada to

assisted living. I would recommend it. She gets the constant attention she can

complain all she wants she gets her meds on time and I can leave knowing she's

safe. Even though she's young, a nursing home environment might be worth looking

at. Thinking of you

Francesca

> Thanks Jill...I'm actually taking her to her primary care dr tomorrow and she

says she's going to bring it up with him. The one thing about the meds is she's

been on them all for many years, and the websites I've looked at show the longer

she's been on them, the risk to the short term memory goes down. I'm talking 10

years...but now maybe only 6 for Cymbalta... need to look at that one and see if

that could be it with it being less time. Limiting my exposure to her is

extremely difficult. She can't drive herself anywhere, and other than her blind

sister and 90 year old mother, has no other relationships, which yes, I know is

not my responsibility, but me being her only child, I probably have an unhealthy

" extra " dose of feeling responsible for her. My husband wants me to start

looking at nursing homes, but she's only 67...but then again, acts more like

she's 95 because she wants the attention...I'm sure you know what I mean!!

>

> Very much looking forward to my appt with my " t " on Wednesday!

>

>

> >

> > It's absolutely a possibility that she's faking, especially with your trip.

But could it also be possible that it's a side effect of the Cymbalta or other

meds or the combination of meds? A quick Google search told me that it is a side

effect for Cymbalta, a pretty rare one, but it does affect women more than men.

If you get back and the memory issues are still there, you might mention to her

to talk to her doctor about it.Â

> >

> > That being said, her behavior is still hers and not your responsibility.

Even if this isn't manipulation, she still has the ability to manipulate you as

long as she's in your life. You can distance yourself, but part of being human

is being vulnerable. If I were you, I'd see how this plays out over the next few

weeks, advise her to see her doctor, and above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.Â

> >

> > Good luck!

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: jtadcock

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 8:01 PM

> > Subject: Am I being cynical or is this a possibility?

> >

> >

> > Â

> > Hi All! Just a reminder of my scenario: new to the group, my mom hasn't been

diagnosed but meets all 9 criteria of BPD. I have just made this discovery

within the past 3-4 weeks and I have been adjusting my reactions to her, which

is what we're supposed to do, right? Maybe she's picking up that I'm treating

her different??

> >

> > Here's what's going on: I've noticed sporadic memory issues with her, but

they've been days/weeks apart, but certainly something I've taken notice of.

Well within the past week her short term memory seems to have gotten much worse.

This coming around the time I told her my husband and I are going to TN to see

our son this weekend. She goes through her usual childish " I want to go. Why

can't I go? I don't like it when you go out of town. " On and on... This week she

has pulled a stunt like pouring coffee creamer in her pill divider box,

presumably while sleeping. Says she doesn't remember doing it. Then all in one

four hour visit when I took her to her dr visit downtown, several buildings we

passed " That's new " ...No mom, it's not new. An entire highway " Well now I know

that's new. " No mom, it's been there at least 20 years. She asked me three times

after we left the drs office " Now where's my Cymbalta prescription? " Each time I

reminded her that it

> > was sent over e-scripts to walgreens. She was getting mad at me each time I

reminded her something wasn't new, or where her prescription was, or that we

were going to TN because she had forgotten. But we all know you can't reason

with them. I told her she needs to get an appt with her primary care dr because

it's time for her blood pressure meds and diabetes meds. She said she wanted to

talk to the dr about all this stuff she's forgetting, and I agreed with her.

Then she said " she hates living alone. She really feels like she should have

somebody with her to make sure she's doing everything she should. "

> >

> > So there's my question -- is she REALLY forgetting things, or is she

concocting a scheme to create sympathy and try yet another ploy to live in my

house, which CANNOT happen, and I know you all know what I mean.

> >

> > My first inclination is she wouldn't try something like that, but it took me

46 years to realize I was being brainwashed and manipulated. So obviously my

judgment can't be trusted. Could this be the works of onset of dementia or

medically induced short term memory loss OR the underlying brain of a BPD?

> >

> > HELP!! Input please! I can't have the wool pulled over my eyes!!

> >

> > Thanks!!

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >