MIL with BPD - but doesn't know it. How to deal?

July 25, 2012

I'm a newbie... and was thrilled to find this site. My husband, who is

wonderful, has been battling depression for years and lately, with the birth of

our daughter 18 months ago, it's seemed to have escalated. I've been reading,

and seeing therapists as his mother continues to cause problems in our

relationship (much to much to talk about here) and was reading " Surviving a

Borderline Parent " this morning where it lists all the issues that can result of

being a child of a BPD. I started to cry. It was everything he had been

experiencing - and since his mom is a nurse, she's been " diagnosing " him for

years. The fact that she is behind these things is eye opening. (His sister

battled anorexia for years, I suspect it may also be a result of his mother's

behavior.)

So - here's the tough part. I've been in therapy to try to understand how to

better work with her because she's everything BPD is - warm and generous one

second, " hate you - die! " the next. Either loves or hates you and it goes back

and forth. I thought it was me. Three separate therapists have confirmed her as

BPD. My question is... how do we help her understand what she has? She

obviously, as a BPD, thinks all the issues are ours - she has no control over

her emotions, that her behavior is a direct result of what other people do and

takes no responsibility for anything. She will have a crazy outburst and then 2

hours later will act like nothing happened.

I'm worried about her interaction with my daughter and her continued stronghold

on my husband. The fact he was convinced, due to her prodding, that his issues

were his own (and she would make fun of them) is so sad to me.

Any ideas? Do we tell her about her BPD? Or not? Or just move away and stay

away?

Desperate ... and exhausted. Thanks.

July 26, 2012

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

The answer to how can you help her understand what she has is

pretty much that you can't. People with BPD almost never believe

there is anything wrong with them. (The younger they are, the

better the chances that they can be helped. By the time they are

older adults, they are usually very set in their thought

patterns and unwilling to be helped.) They aren't willing to

hear and understand otherwise. Having BPD pretty much prevents

you from understanding that you have BPD. Trying to tell her

that she has BPD is more likely to result in her deciding that

you must have it than that she has it. It is also likely to

result in worse in rage or other bad behavior on her part.

You can't change her. You can only change how you react to her.

Moving away is one possibility, although if you do it you should

be aware that it won't necessarily end the problems. There are

also ways to handle a parent with BPD without moving away.

Whether they would be better for you than moving away is

something only you can figure out. One thing I'd recommend doing

no matter what is to never leave your daughter alone with her

for even a few minutes.

At 01:35 PM 07/25/2012 alliedog823 wrote:

>I'm a newbie... and was thrilled to find this site. My husband,

>who is wonderful, has been battling depression for years and

>lately, with the birth of our daughter 18 months ago, it's

>seemed to have escalated. I've been reading, and seeing

>therapists as his mother continues to cause problems in our

>relationship (much to much to talk about here) and was reading

> " Surviving a Borderline Parent " this morning where it lists all

>the issues that can result of being a child of a BPD. I started

>to cry. It was everything he had been experiencing - and since

>his mom is a nurse, she's been " diagnosing " him for years. The

>fact that she is behind these things is eye opening. (His

>sister battled anorexia for years, I suspect it may also be a

>result of his mother's behavior.)

>

>So - here's the tough part. I've been in therapy to try to

>understand how to better work with her because she's everything

>BPD is - warm and generous one second, " hate you - die! " the

>next. Either loves or hates you and it goes back and forth. I

>thought it was me. Three separate therapists have confirmed her

>as BPD. My question is... how do we help her understand what

>she has? She obviously, as a BPD, thinks all the issues are

>ours - she has no control over her emotions, that her behavior

>is a direct result of what other people do and takes no

>responsibility for anything. She will have a crazy outburst and

>then 2 hours later will act like nothing happened.

>

>I'm worried about her interaction with my daughter and her

>continued stronghold on my husband. The fact he was convinced,

>due to her prodding, that his issues were his own (and she

>would make fun of them) is so sad to me.

>

>Any ideas? Do we tell her about her BPD? Or not? Or just move

>away and stay away?

>

>Desperate ... and exhausted. Thanks.

>

>------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

>WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

>Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

>and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

>Groups Links

>

--

Katrina

July 26, 2012

Hi and welcome,

When an individual has been causing as much pain as our bpd parents have usually

caused us by the time we get here, it seems reasonable to want to get the parent

treatment so that they will stop causing us so much distress. However, this

isn't usually the most effective approach--mainly, because the bpd doesn't

really seem to be the one unhappy with the situation. What they are doing is

working for them. It's not working for us.

I think the hard part is really getting the bpd out of the center of our

world--where he or she has usually managed to convince us they belong--and

getting ourselves back in that spot. Their lives are full of drama and anger.

There is no need for ours to be similarly filled. So what do we need to do so

that they aren't? How do we protect ourselves? How do we find balance? How do

we get adequate support? These are all the important questions in my mind--not

how do we help the bpd. The bpd will get better when he or she chooses to do

the work to get better.

It may also be important to understand that your husband's journey will be very

different than yours and to let him go about healing in his own way and his own

time, while you continue to take care of your own needs for healing. It's very

difficult having a partner whose life and self are impaired by ongoing

depression. What do you need?

Take care,

Ashana

July 26, 2012

IS VERY HARD TO WHEN YOU PARTNER AND DAUGHTER SUFFERE OF BPD AND SEEMS I CANNOT

GET OF THE CIRCLE

Sent with Verizon Mobile Email

---Original Message---

From: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: 7/26/2012 12:01 pm

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: MIL with BPD - but doesn't know it. How to

deal?

Hi and welcome, When an individual has been causing as much pain as our bpd

parents have usually caused us by the time we get here, it seems reasonable to

want to get the parent treatment so that they will stop causing us so much

distress. However, this isn't usually the most effective approach--mainly,

because the bpd doesn't really seem to be the one unhappy with the situation.

What they are doing is working for them. It's not working for us. I think the

hard part is really getting the bpd out of the center of our world--where he or

she has usually managed to convince us they belong--and getting ourselves back

in that spot. Their lives are full of drama and anger. There is no need for

ours to be similarly filled. So what do we need to do so that they aren't? How

do we protect ourselves? How do we find balance? How do we get adequate

support? These are all the important questions in my mind--not how do we help

the bpd. The bpd will get better when he or she chooses to do the work to get

better. It may also be important to understand that your husband's journey will

be very different than yours and to let him go about healing in his own way and

his own time, while you continue to take care of your own needs for healing.

It's very difficult having a partner whose life and self are impaired by ongoing

depression. What do you need? Take care, Ashana

July 26, 2012