New here and not exactly in my place?

[Guest guest]

I have a friend who knows of this group and knows my history with my family.

She suggested that I join here.

My family is a cornucopia of dysfunction in some respects, perfectly normal in

others. My parents have been married over 30 years. They have four kids, 5

grandkids and a step-grandchild. We were very involved in our community,

whether in the theater company or volunteering with the local churches. All

four of us graduated and went on to very good colleges. My dad is a successful

businessman, my mother an accomplished pianist. While none of us is very good

at sports, we all play two or more instruments, are known to be devoutly

religious and generally look good on a Christmas card.

On the other hand, Dad has narcissistic personality disorder; Mom is OCD; my

older sister C. was a drug addict, unwed mother and a teenage runaway as a

result of the first two things; I have clinical depression and after my

happily-ever-after turned out to be an abusive marriage, I have PTSD; my younger

sister was an exercise bulimic; my brother finally admitted that he needed help

for depression a few years ago and I'm very proud of him for being honest about

it.

The reason my friend referred me here is that this lovely combination of mental

issues has left me in dire need of a place to go where people understand things.

I know this is for BPD, but she thought that coming here might help me with the

NPD side of my family.

I'm currently 31 years old, single after getting an annulment and a pariah. My

parents are unhappily married people who are too proud to admit that they

haven't actually slept in the same room in about 20 years. My siblings are all

married and sexing it up to produce grandbabies. I am 7 years past having left

my husband and getting a divorce lawyer and I am inexplicably not married and

getting myself pregnant as well.

I first became aware of NPDad's actual problem because I have a friend who is

the fat, female, fangirl version of my father. She is the type of person who

has broken off friendships with her 'best friend' because they didn't take it

seriously that she was In Love with Heath Ledger. She has alienated countless

people in every forum she has joined. She has also lost every job she's ever

had, though she blames it alternately on 'cutting back hours' and 'unrealistic

expectations.' She was close friends with myself and a roommate when my

roommate looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and we laughed until we

cried about how well it explained her. (Bear in mind that this was 2 days

before NPDfriend banished me for liking a different artist than Gerard as

the Phantom of the Opera and didn't speak to me for 6 weeks. When she did

finally get back to me, it was because she had told her mom she was feeling a

little worthless, her mom got her locked up for 72 hours and ever since, she has

been on welfare because her work ethic means that she is unable to work due to

people anxiety so now she can go out with her friends on the state's money.

Side note: I know that there are people with real problems out there, but this

is the person who makes sure she goes off of her medication a few days before

her interviews so she can look mentally unstable for the person deciding if she

gets money. Her brother is divorcing his wife to live with her so they can get

more money from the state. Their whole family is like this.)

A few days later, I was talking to my mother and mentioned that NPDfriend and I

were out of contact and we suspected her of having NPD. Mom immediately said,

" Well, of course you know what that's like. Your Dad has it. "

It was the first time that she had ever admitted that there was something

psychologically wrong with him. He tried to abandon his family when I was 17

because I disagreed with his correction on my English paper. He always had to

be right. He would sometimes slap me for disagreeing with him. His religious

devotion would manifest itself when he would make me pray to God for forgiveness

for getting a B+ in History. I had hated him for upwards of 25 years and it

took my friend--who now has reaccepted me because I didn't chuck her out after

the 6 weeks of my banishment--and her NPD to get a label on what the hell was

wrong with my Dad. I went from having 'daddy issues' to having something that I

could finally talk concretely about in therapy. Now, I came by this diagnosis

honestly, since my aunt is a licensed family therapist. It has gone a long way

towards helping me understand why my Dad is the prat he is.

This last Thanksgiving, after the constant barrage of the personality disorders

in my family, I finally issued an ultimatum. My parents know that I will not be

coming to a single family event at their home until they are both in

professional counseling. I will see them outside the home based on a brownie

point system. For example, my mother called me to talk about the Avengers

movie, remembering that I had looked forward to it. I rewarded her good

behavior by coming to my nephew's christening. When she reads my Facebook post

and mentions it in a conversation or comments on it, I invite her to things like

my piano recital or my birthday party. The rest of the family will be getting

the same stipulation, since they are no better. My sister earned a picnic with

me, her husband and my nephews when she called and had a rational conversation

about why we were fighting that week.

It's a very second-grade way of dealing with all of the crap, but my family's

average psychological age is about 7 years old, so that works. Needless to say,

it's not going to make me very popular. My sister claims that things won't be

the same without me for every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, whatever. And

that's the point. I was diagnosed with depression at 15 after a wonderful

teacher noticed my symptoms and I spent the last 16 years being told to get

fixed whenever I experienced depression. I'm now waiting for THEM to admit that

they need to get fixed themselves. Yes, it won't be the same without me. And

that's the point. Maybe, after five years, they'll decide to treat me like a

human being.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just wanted to welcome you. The good news (not really) is that with all the

dysfunction, there's bound to be a bpd in the family somewhere...

I think you will find support and understanding here. There are a lot of

bpd/npd dyads out there and I think many of us came here about the bpd parent

only to realize the other one was npd. And loads of us have a bpd/npd mix as a

parent.

I was struck by how much your father sounds like mine--not in any of the

specifics, but in the general attitude. I'm here because of bpd mom, although

she's actually the lightweight of the two. There is just no appropriate support

group out there for adult children of sociopaths. This isn't to say your father

fits that description, but the npd element really strikes a chord for me.

The brownie point system sounds absolutely perfect for dealing with npds. They

understand control.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just wanted to welcome you. The good news (not really) is that with all the

dysfunction, there's bound to be a bpd in the family somewhere...

I think you will find support and understanding here. There are a lot of

bpd/npd dyads out there and I think many of us came here about the bpd parent

only to realize the other one was npd. And loads of us have a bpd/npd mix as a

parent.

I was struck by how much your father sounds like mine--not in any of the

specifics, but in the general attitude. I'm here because of bpd mom, although

she's actually the lightweight of the two. There is just no appropriate support

group out there for adult children of sociopaths. This isn't to say your father

fits that description, but the npd element really strikes a chord for me.

The brownie point system sounds absolutely perfect for dealing with npds. They

understand control.

Take care,

Ashana

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

Welcome to the group. BPD and NPD are like slices from the same

loaf of bread. A lot of us have parents who show varying levels

of symptoms of both along with symptoms of some of the other

personality disorders as well. Much of what is discussed here

will probably be useful to you in dealing with your dad, and

possibly with your mom as well.

Your brownie point system sounds sensible to me. You obviously

understand that what you can control is your own behavior and

you're modifying your own behavior to reward your family for

treating you decently.

At 01:43 AM 07/27/2012 wrote:

>I have a friend who knows of this group and knows my history

>with my family. She suggested that I join here.

>

>My family is a cornucopia of dysfunction in some respects,

>perfectly normal in others. My parents have been married over

>30 years. They have four kids, 5 grandkids and a

>step-grandchild. We were very involved in our community,

>whether in the theater company or volunteering with the local

>churches. All four of us graduated and went on to very good

>colleges. My dad is a successful businessman, my mother an

>accomplished pianist. While none of us is very good at sports,

>we all play two or more instruments, are known to be devoutly

>religious and generally look good on a Christmas card.

>

>On the other hand, Dad has narcissistic personality disorder;

>Mom is OCD; my older sister C. was a drug addict, unwed mother

>and a teenage runaway as a result of the first two things; I

>have clinical depression and after my happily-ever-after turned

>out to be an abusive marriage, I have PTSD; my younger sister

>was an exercise bulimic; my brother finally admitted that he

>needed help for depression a few years ago and I'm very proud

>of him for being honest about it.

>

>The reason my friend referred me here is that this lovely

>combination of mental issues has left me in dire need of a

>place to go where people understand things. I know this is for

>BPD, but she thought that coming here might help me with the

>NPD side of my family.

>

>I'm currently 31 years old, single after getting an annulment

>and a pariah. My parents are unhappily married people who are

>too proud to admit that they haven't actually slept in the same

>room in about 20 years. My siblings are all married and sexing

>it up to produce grandbabies. I am 7 years past having left my

>husband and getting a divorce lawyer and I am inexplicably not

>married and getting myself pregnant as well.

>

>I first became aware of NPDad's actual problem because I have a

>friend who is the fat, female, fangirl version of my

>father. She is the type of person who has broken off

>friendships with her 'best friend' because they didn't take it

>seriously that she was In Love with Heath Ledger. She has

>alienated countless people in every forum she has joined. She

>has also lost every job she's ever had, though she blames it

>alternately on 'cutting back hours' and 'unrealistic

>expectations.' She was close friends with myself and a

>roommate when my roommate looked up Narcissistic Personality

>Disorder and we laughed until we cried about how well it

>explained her. (Bear in mind that this was 2 days before

>NPDfriend banished me for liking a different artist than Gerard

> as the Phantom of the Opera and didn't speak to me for 6

>weeks. When she did finally get back to me, it was because she

>had told her mom she was feeling a little worthless, her mom

>got her locked up for 72 hours and ever since, she has been on

>welfare because her work ethic means that she is unable to work

>due to people anxiety so now she can go out with her friends on

>the state's money. Side note: I know that there are people

>with real problems out there, but this is the person who makes

>sure she goes off of her medication a few days before her

>interviews so she can look mentally unstable for the person

>deciding if she gets money. Her brother is divorcing his wife

>to live with her so they can get more money from the

>state. Their whole family is like this.)

>

>A few days later, I was talking to my mother and mentioned that

>NPDfriend and I were out of contact and we suspected her of

>having NPD. Mom immediately said, " Well, of course you know

>what that's like. Your Dad has it. "

>

>It was the first time that she had ever admitted that there was

>something psychologically wrong with him. He tried to abandon

>his family when I was 17 because I disagreed with his

>correction on my English paper. He always had to be right. He

>would sometimes slap me for disagreeing with him. His

>religious devotion would manifest itself when he would make me

>pray to God for forgiveness for getting a B+ in History. I had

>hated him for upwards of 25 years and it took my friend--who

>now has reaccepted me because I didn't chuck her out after the

>6 weeks of my banishment--and her NPD to get a label on what

>the hell was wrong with my Dad. I went from having 'daddy

>issues' to having something that I could finally talk

>concretely about in therapy. Now, I came by this diagnosis

>honestly, since my aunt is a licensed family therapist. It has

>gone a long way towards helping me understand why my Dad is the

>prat he is.

>

>This last Thanksgiving, after the constant barrage of the

>personality disorders in my family, I finally issued an

>ultimatum. My parents know that I will not be coming to a

>single family event at their home until they are both in

>professional counseling. I will see them outside the home

>based on a brownie point system. For example, my mother called

>me to talk about the Avengers movie, remembering that I had

>looked forward to it. I rewarded her good behavior by coming

>to my nephew's christening. When she reads my Facebook post

>and mentions it in a conversation or comments on it, I invite

>her to things like my piano recital or my birthday party. The

>rest of the family will be getting the same stipulation, since

>they are no better. My sister earned a picnic with me, her

>husband and my nephews when she called and had a rational

>conversation about why we were fighting that week.

>

>It's a very second-grade way of dealing with all of the crap,

>but my family's average psychological age is about 7 years old,

>so that works. Needless to say, it's not going to make me very

>popular. My sister claims that things won't be the same

>without me for every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter,

>whatever. And that's the point. I was diagnosed with

>depression at 15 after a wonderful teacher noticed my symptoms

>and I spent the last 16 years being told to get fixed whenever

>I experienced depression. I'm now waiting for THEM to admit

>that they need to get fixed themselves. Yes, it won't be the

>same without me. And that's the point. Maybe, after five

>years, they'll decide to treat me like a human being.

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

Welcome to the group. BPD and NPD are like slices from the same

loaf of bread. A lot of us have parents who show varying levels

of symptoms of both along with symptoms of some of the other

personality disorders as well. Much of what is discussed here

will probably be useful to you in dealing with your dad, and

possibly with your mom as well.

Your brownie point system sounds sensible to me. You obviously

understand that what you can control is your own behavior and

you're modifying your own behavior to reward your family for

treating you decently.

At 01:43 AM 07/27/2012 wrote:

>I have a friend who knows of this group and knows my history

>with my family. She suggested that I join here.

>

>My family is a cornucopia of dysfunction in some respects,

>perfectly normal in others. My parents have been married over

>30 years. They have four kids, 5 grandkids and a

>step-grandchild. We were very involved in our community,

>whether in the theater company or volunteering with the local

>churches. All four of us graduated and went on to very good

>colleges. My dad is a successful businessman, my mother an

>accomplished pianist. While none of us is very good at sports,

>we all play two or more instruments, are known to be devoutly

>religious and generally look good on a Christmas card.

>

>On the other hand, Dad has narcissistic personality disorder;

>Mom is OCD; my older sister C. was a drug addict, unwed mother

>and a teenage runaway as a result of the first two things; I

>have clinical depression and after my happily-ever-after turned

>out to be an abusive marriage, I have PTSD; my younger sister

>was an exercise bulimic; my brother finally admitted that he

>needed help for depression a few years ago and I'm very proud

>of him for being honest about it.

>

>The reason my friend referred me here is that this lovely

>combination of mental issues has left me in dire need of a

>place to go where people understand things. I know this is for

>BPD, but she thought that coming here might help me with the

>NPD side of my family.

>

>I'm currently 31 years old, single after getting an annulment

>and a pariah. My parents are unhappily married people who are

>too proud to admit that they haven't actually slept in the same

>room in about 20 years. My siblings are all married and sexing

>it up to produce grandbabies. I am 7 years past having left my

>husband and getting a divorce lawyer and I am inexplicably not

>married and getting myself pregnant as well.

>

>I first became aware of NPDad's actual problem because I have a

>friend who is the fat, female, fangirl version of my

>father. She is the type of person who has broken off

>friendships with her 'best friend' because they didn't take it

>seriously that she was In Love with Heath Ledger. She has

>alienated countless people in every forum she has joined. She

>has also lost every job she's ever had, though she blames it

>alternately on 'cutting back hours' and 'unrealistic

>expectations.' She was close friends with myself and a

>roommate when my roommate looked up Narcissistic Personality

>Disorder and we laughed until we cried about how well it

>explained her. (Bear in mind that this was 2 days before

>NPDfriend banished me for liking a different artist than Gerard

> as the Phantom of the Opera and didn't speak to me for 6

>weeks. When she did finally get back to me, it was because she

>had told her mom she was feeling a little worthless, her mom

>got her locked up for 72 hours and ever since, she has been on

>welfare because her work ethic means that she is unable to work

>due to people anxiety so now she can go out with her friends on

>the state's money. Side note: I know that there are people

>with real problems out there, but this is the person who makes

>sure she goes off of her medication a few days before her

>interviews so she can look mentally unstable for the person

>deciding if she gets money. Her brother is divorcing his wife

>to live with her so they can get more money from the

>state. Their whole family is like this.)

>

>A few days later, I was talking to my mother and mentioned that

>NPDfriend and I were out of contact and we suspected her of

>having NPD. Mom immediately said, " Well, of course you know

>what that's like. Your Dad has it. "

>

>It was the first time that she had ever admitted that there was

>something psychologically wrong with him. He tried to abandon

>his family when I was 17 because I disagreed with his

>correction on my English paper. He always had to be right. He

>would sometimes slap me for disagreeing with him. His

>religious devotion would manifest itself when he would make me

>pray to God for forgiveness for getting a B+ in History. I had

>hated him for upwards of 25 years and it took my friend--who

>now has reaccepted me because I didn't chuck her out after the

>6 weeks of my banishment--and her NPD to get a label on what

>the hell was wrong with my Dad. I went from having 'daddy

>issues' to having something that I could finally talk

>concretely about in therapy. Now, I came by this diagnosis

>honestly, since my aunt is a licensed family therapist. It has

>gone a long way towards helping me understand why my Dad is the

>prat he is.

>

>This last Thanksgiving, after the constant barrage of the

>personality disorders in my family, I finally issued an

>ultimatum. My parents know that I will not be coming to a

>single family event at their home until they are both in

>professional counseling. I will see them outside the home

>based on a brownie point system. For example, my mother called

>me to talk about the Avengers movie, remembering that I had

>looked forward to it. I rewarded her good behavior by coming

>to my nephew's christening. When she reads my Facebook post

>and mentions it in a conversation or comments on it, I invite

>her to things like my piano recital or my birthday party. The

>rest of the family will be getting the same stipulation, since

>they are no better. My sister earned a picnic with me, her

>husband and my nephews when she called and had a rational

>conversation about why we were fighting that week.

>

>It's a very second-grade way of dealing with all of the crap,

>but my family's average psychological age is about 7 years old,

>so that works. Needless to say, it's not going to make me very

>popular. My sister claims that things won't be the same

>without me for every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter,

>whatever. And that's the point. I was diagnosed with

>depression at 15 after a wonderful teacher noticed my symptoms

>and I spent the last 16 years being told to get fixed whenever

>I experienced depression. I'm now waiting for THEM to admit

>that they need to get fixed themselves. Yes, it won't be the

>same without me. And that's the point. Maybe, after five

>years, they'll decide to treat me like a human being.

>

--

Katrina